I'm not one to judge the way that you find your mate. I'm all about spending some good quality time in the form of long nights with the one that you love (or like a lot or lust a lot). How you find that person is not for me to care about. I just hope that when you find them you play it safe and protect yourself. There are so many things that you can get that would make that long night unforgettable. And when I say things you can get, I'm totally not just talking about diseases and kids. I'm talking about the breezies and creeps that you can pick up that look like a good idea after a couple dozen lemon drop martinis or beers.
People like Boo. She's looking for a date on "On Demand Dating". I don't know where Boo lives. It's obviously somewhere in the south, but I can't place her accent. I'm thinking Florida or Mississippi. Plus, she looks like the type that would really be into Plies and the Ying Yang twins. I think they only do that in locales below the Mason-Dixon line.
Boo appears to have some special needs that can only be addressed by a tenured Speech and Language Pathologist, a lacefrontologist, a dentist, and a MAC counter magician. Don't entertain Boo's madness. Even if you are full of the good that she professes will win her heart, nothing good will come of it.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Saturday, January 29, 2011
In The News: Diddy Gets Sued
Today's foolishness came to me by way of USA Today. When I saw it, I laughed and laughed and laughed at the ridiculousness of the story but after a text conversation with my friend The Good Reverend Doctor I was inspired to post.
So here it is: Woman Sues Diddy For 1 Trillion Dollars. I would embed the actual article on the blog, but I'm a "writer" not a member of the Geek Squad so click on it, read, come back and we'll discuss.....
OK for you clowns that decided not to click I'll provide a brief synopsis:
Some crazy broad named Valerie Joyce Wilson Turks has decided to sue Sean "Diddy" Combs for 1 TRILLION DOLLARS*!! Why? Well, because she feels like he was the catalyst behind September 11 (with the help of Kim Porter and Rodney King)! And I know you're thinking "that's all", but no it's not. If you are going to sue somebody for a trilli you damn sure better have more than one reason for it right? Well, Ms. Turks also says that Diddy owes her child support ($900 billion for her now 23 year old son) and $100 billion for loss of income. She also says that sexually and physically abused her children. Her request for a restraining order was denied.
Wowza. I'm not usually one to laugh at mental illness, but sometimes crazy people do funny shit, like filing this suit, and I've laughed at this one for the past 24 hours or so. But seriously? She seriously wants me to believe that Diddy is the reason behind September 11th? Can you just imagine him standing in one of his penthouse apartments laughing an evil laugh and screaming "take that, take that" to the world? I can't. And what the hell did Rodney King ever do to anybody? All he's been trying to do for the past 20 years is try to get his brain unscrambled from that LAPD beatdown and make sure everybody gets along. And now he's being accused of breaching Homeland security! And poor, poor Kim Porter. That heffa can't catch a break. She's been sacrificing her uterus for years having kids with Diddy. With choppers like his you know it's like a 25% chance that any embryo created by this man will grow teeth and eat its way out like that thing in Alien and now this?
I just want to know how the hell this case got past the filing clerk!? Before I even knew what the case was about I knew this broad was missing a couple shades from her Crayola 64 box. So, I know when she walked into the courthouse or wherever you file lawsuits she had a crazy look in her eyes. In my mind, I imagine that she's a middle-aged black woman with a crooked wig blonde wig and she walked in the building with purpose and determination, carrying a very large tote bag with all of her belongings and "proof", wearing an old rabbit/fox fur coat and rings on every finger.** But since we don't know what she looks like, let's use the clues that she's left for us to diagnose her madness. Well other than the actual lawsuit. I mean, look at her name. She uses all four? Why? Is that really necessary? How extra. And I know when you are suing someone you high ball so that if there's a settlement you can possibly get close to the number that you really wanted...but this heffa actually wrote a billion on a piece of paper (with 899 other ones with it) and gave it to someone with seriousness in her heart.
I refuse take this shit seriously. But some judge obviously did and thinks she deserves her day in court. And because she gets her day to parade her foolery for all of the world to see, I've decided to make my own moves. In keeping with the tone of this case and the litigous society that we've become, I'm filing a class action suit. This is some major stuff folks. And if you feel me you need to get on board because when I win, I ain't sharing with none of you. I've decided to sue all of the dumbasses that have ever done dumbass shit that has affected my life in a minor or major or non-existent way. If you've done one or more of the following, from here on out consider yourself DEFENDANT:
*Yes, I so used my Dr. Evil voice when I said that.
** Yes, I after writing that I realized that I lightweight described Diddy's Mama Janice. But I swear that's how this crazy broad looks in my head. LOL
So here it is: Woman Sues Diddy For 1 Trillion Dollars. I would embed the actual article on the blog, but I'm a "writer" not a member of the Geek Squad so click on it, read, come back and we'll discuss.....
OK for you clowns that decided not to click I'll provide a brief synopsis:
Some crazy broad named Valerie Joyce Wilson Turks has decided to sue Sean "Diddy" Combs for 1 TRILLION DOLLARS*!! Why? Well, because she feels like he was the catalyst behind September 11 (with the help of Kim Porter and Rodney King)! And I know you're thinking "that's all", but no it's not. If you are going to sue somebody for a trilli you damn sure better have more than one reason for it right? Well, Ms. Turks also says that Diddy owes her child support ($900 billion for her now 23 year old son) and $100 billion for loss of income. She also says that sexually and physically abused her children. Her request for a restraining order was denied.
Wowza. I'm not usually one to laugh at mental illness, but sometimes crazy people do funny shit, like filing this suit, and I've laughed at this one for the past 24 hours or so. But seriously? She seriously wants me to believe that Diddy is the reason behind September 11th? Can you just imagine him standing in one of his penthouse apartments laughing an evil laugh and screaming "take that, take that" to the world? I can't. And what the hell did Rodney King ever do to anybody? All he's been trying to do for the past 20 years is try to get his brain unscrambled from that LAPD beatdown and make sure everybody gets along. And now he's being accused of breaching Homeland security! And poor, poor Kim Porter. That heffa can't catch a break. She's been sacrificing her uterus for years having kids with Diddy. With choppers like his you know it's like a 25% chance that any embryo created by this man will grow teeth and eat its way out like that thing in Alien and now this?
I just want to know how the hell this case got past the filing clerk!? Before I even knew what the case was about I knew this broad was missing a couple shades from her Crayola 64 box. So, I know when she walked into the courthouse or wherever you file lawsuits she had a crazy look in her eyes. In my mind, I imagine that she's a middle-aged black woman with a crooked wig blonde wig and she walked in the building with purpose and determination, carrying a very large tote bag with all of her belongings and "proof", wearing an old rabbit/fox fur coat and rings on every finger.** But since we don't know what she looks like, let's use the clues that she's left for us to diagnose her madness. Well other than the actual lawsuit. I mean, look at her name. She uses all four? Why? Is that really necessary? How extra. And I know when you are suing someone you high ball so that if there's a settlement you can possibly get close to the number that you really wanted...but this heffa actually wrote a billion on a piece of paper (with 899 other ones with it) and gave it to someone with seriousness in her heart.
I refuse take this shit seriously. But some judge obviously did and thinks she deserves her day in court. And because she gets her day to parade her foolery for all of the world to see, I've decided to make my own moves. In keeping with the tone of this case and the litigous society that we've become, I'm filing a class action suit. This is some major stuff folks. And if you feel me you need to get on board because when I win, I ain't sharing with none of you. I've decided to sue all of the dumbasses that have ever done dumbass shit that has affected my life in a minor or major or non-existent way. If you've done one or more of the following, from here on out consider yourself DEFENDANT:
- You are a male and have attained the age of 18 and one half years and still wear conrows.
- Your body type requires that you wear double digit sizes but you insist on wearing single digits.
- You have or are impressed by tattoos that looks like dessert or genitals.
- You owe more than $1 in back child support.
- Your child knows every word to every Lil Wayne and Lil Boosie song there ever was but cannot say the ABC's or spell their own name.
- You've ever traveled further than your front door with no shoes on.
- Your boyfriend or girlfriend is someone elses husband or wife.
- You believe anything that Oprah says.
- You've ever been arrested and detained and feel like others are obligated to assist with your release.
- You voted for or even considered voting for: John McCain, Sarah Palin, Rand Paul.
- You feel like any guilty party should be freed for whatever reason and you wear a shirt displaying your feelings.
- You are a female with more hair on your upper lip, legs, and armpits than Ambam.
- You wear expensive shoes and clothing and your kid(s) always look homeless.
- You own or work for BET and have said nothing about the programming.
- You don't believe global warming is real.
*Yes, I so used my Dr. Evil voice when I said that.
** Yes, I after writing that I realized that I lightweight described Diddy's Mama Janice. But I swear that's how this crazy broad looks in my head. LOL
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Willow as Annie...
I don't know if I've ever told you all this, but I live for musicals. I love the whole idea them. The idea of walking through the streets and bursting into song just gives me life. The fact that there is always a song to sing that will explain your situation or get you out of trouble moves me in a way that most other things don't. I can sit down on a Saturday with "Chicago", "The Wizard of Oz", "Westside Story", "Dreamgirls", episodes of "Glee", some kettle corn and an ice cold Pepsi and be so very happy.
So imagine my surprise when I was surfing the innanets and came across a story saying that Willow Smith will star in a remake of the classic musical "Annie" (another one of my faves). Apparently, this will be produced by her dad, Will Smith and scored by Jay-Z. Interesting. In my opinion, they should leave this one alone. Every movie is not remake-able. There are some characters that are so iconic that any deviation from them is just dumb. This is one of those instances. You see, Annie is a homely little white girl with a horrible red afro, poor fashion sense, and a sunny disposition that makes FDR and Daddy Warbucks want to sing about rainbows and shit at the top of their lungs. I don't care how talented you people think little Willow is, she could never pull that off.
Now, I know the Smith kids are some talented little boogers. And I know that their parents are really into them getting a jump start on padding their 401Ks and shit. I'm not here to knock that. Hell, if they don't give a shit about child labor laws and whatnot then why should I?
All I'm saying is that they should leave well enough alone. Many people have tried to remake this particular movie and failed. Let's leave Annie and her fiesty band of orphan friends in the 1982 version of awesomeness. There is no reason for the movie to be urbanized, updated, or changed in any way. They did it to "The Wizard of Oz with "The Wiz". And we see how well that went. It made like $5.17 at the box office. Now don't get me wrong. I'll be the first to admit that I think that that movie is greatness. But not many people feel the same way that I do. Nobody saw it when it was released. Nobody saw it, because nobody wanted to see it. And nobody wanted to see it because nobody wanted to see a middle-aged Diana Ross as Dorothy. Even though they tried to change it up and make her a 25 year from Harlem. It didn't matter. Judy Garland is Dorothy. Period. And this is how I feel about Annie. Leave it alone and let Willow get her shine with an original.
But I know it's already a done deal so my complaints will fall on deaf ears. And since I don't really want to waste any effort complaining about something that is inevitable, how about I help out with some casting? I know Willow is a girl of the future and her friends list probably looks like a Benetton ad, but I've decided to go with an all black cast if you don't mind.
Miss Hanigan - Gayle King (with Oprah's permission of course). She looks like she would play a drunk well. And if we can't get Oprah to sign the permission slip Plan B should be Mo'Nique. She could just act like she did when she was Precious' mama.
Rooster - I pick Diddy. He seems like he has a decent understanding of underhanded business practices and would probably do an awesome job playing a crook.
Lily (Rooster's girlfriend) - Megan Goode. I can't give a reason for this one. She just seems like she'd be perfect.
Daddy Warbucks - This was difficult. I think I'm going to go with Denzel Washington. Mainly because he's older and would totally be believable as a rich, businessman who opens his heart and home to a rambunctious orphan. Plus, I'm sure there are plenty of people walking around that wouldn't mind calling that man Daddy. But the Smith's are totally going to keep the checks in the family and go with Will. But honestly, that's a pretty good pick too.
Grace - Daddy Warbucks' secretary/boo. I'm thinking Gabrielle Union on this one. Again, I can't explain why. It just makes sense in my head.
Punjab - I say we go to the executive producer Jay-Z for this one. And no, not because Will already has a part and it would only be fair to include him too. I picked him because he looks JUST like the actor that played Punjab in the original. And I guess if Jay doesn't feel comfy in front of the camera we can always ask Andre Leon Tally. Because he looks like Jay Z and Punjab too. Especially when he rocks his turban. See?
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| The resemblance is uncanny... |
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| ALT and his turban |
Monday, January 24, 2011
These Are A Few of My Un-Favorite Things....
Hello folks. I took a couple of days off because I haven't been feeling well. Anyway, you being the dear, dear friends that you are have truly made my days a joy by sending some delightful stuff to my inbox. Lots of meddlesome questions, some crazy websites, and some youtube foolery. I'll definitely be figuring out ways to share all of them in the future. But I've decided to start with some of the letters. This one is from a friend who always hears me talk about the things that "make my ass itch".
___________________________________________________________________
Dear Tee,
You always talk about keeping a list of things that bother you. Is that really true? If it is, could you share? I really want to know what's on it.
A Enquiring Mind
Dear Enquring Mind,
Wow, you really have been paying attention. But yes, it does exist. It's not finite, the occupants of the list are constantly changing. I've never written it down. I pretty much freestyle like Jigga with this one. In fact, I don't even list them numerically anymore. Why? Well, it's true that some irritants are worse than others, but I still don't put numbers on them because they are just too hard to keep track of because their rankings are constantly changing. Like if #4 happens to be bothering me at this very moment it becomes #1 and everything else has to shift. And because I'm constantly being bothered by something it's best that I just list them and not rank them. Too much math involved otherwise.
So, you're curious about what's actually on the list? That's really funny to me. Mainly because it's really no secret. I've probably named everything at some point in the short life of this blog. Well, no, that's not true. New shit gets added everyday so that's kind of impossible. So, yeah, the list is pretty long so I won't bore you with everything. I'll give you the first 10 that come to mind. Honestly, we probably have nothing in common when it comes to this kind of thing. I'm very weird and this list reflects my oddness. But you wouldn't judge me for that would you? I know some of you have probably heard me call it the "Big List of Things That Make My Ass Itch" and well, that's really what it is. But that's not really what I call it. In my head it's just a running tally of dumb shit that I see everyday that really, really bothers me. The name varies depending on my mood. It's been "The List", "These Mumphucka Right Here!", "I Can't Take This Shit
Seriously" and many, many more. Right now it's "The Shit List". So that's what we'll call it today. Remember these are in no particular order, the numbers are just to make things look nice and tidy.
Signed,
Tee
___________________________________________________________________
Dear Tee,
You always talk about keeping a list of things that bother you. Is that really true? If it is, could you share? I really want to know what's on it.
A Enquiring Mind
Dear Enquring Mind,
Wow, you really have been paying attention. But yes, it does exist. It's not finite, the occupants of the list are constantly changing. I've never written it down. I pretty much freestyle like Jigga with this one. In fact, I don't even list them numerically anymore. Why? Well, it's true that some irritants are worse than others, but I still don't put numbers on them because they are just too hard to keep track of because their rankings are constantly changing. Like if #4 happens to be bothering me at this very moment it becomes #1 and everything else has to shift. And because I'm constantly being bothered by something it's best that I just list them and not rank them. Too much math involved otherwise.
So, you're curious about what's actually on the list? That's really funny to me. Mainly because it's really no secret. I've probably named everything at some point in the short life of this blog. Well, no, that's not true. New shit gets added everyday so that's kind of impossible. So, yeah, the list is pretty long so I won't bore you with everything. I'll give you the first 10 that come to mind. Honestly, we probably have nothing in common when it comes to this kind of thing. I'm very weird and this list reflects my oddness. But you wouldn't judge me for that would you? I know some of you have probably heard me call it the "Big List of Things That Make My Ass Itch" and well, that's really what it is. But that's not really what I call it. In my head it's just a running tally of dumb shit that I see everyday that really, really bothers me. The name varies depending on my mood. It's been "The List", "These Mumphucka Right Here!", "I Can't Take This Shit
Seriously" and many, many more. Right now it's "The Shit List". So that's what we'll call it today. Remember these are in no particular order, the numbers are just to make things look nice and tidy.
The Shit List
- White Shoes. I abhor, hate, loathe, detest white shoes. There is nothing about a white shoe that is ever attractive. I don't care how much you pay for a pair they will always look like you got them from the clearance bin at the Dollar General Store. White shoes suck. In my lifetime I have only made an exception for wearing white shoes for 3 reasons: my wedding, my sorority, my need to be seen as fresh in the 80s and 90s (K-Swiss and Tretorns only).
- Waka Flocka Flame/Gucci Man/Soulja Boy. I don't knock the hustle of these guys. What they do has obviously made them very rich men. But dammit, not anything that they've had the pleasure of releasing should be considered real music. You will never hear the jazzed up version of this shit in an elevator or while waiting in a doctor's office like I just heard The Roots "You Got Me". I guess the fact that such wackness could even get one spin, let alone millions on radio when there are so many truly great musicians that aren't getting shine. Mainly because they won't shuck and jive like these morons. It's really sad. And I guess that I should say that I know that these three guys are the reason for the demise of music. I know it's not their fault. Be we gotta blame somebody. You don't have to agree. But who really cares. This is my list right?
- BET. There is nothing special or engaging about this channel anymore. It's pretty much MTV Black. And that really sucks. With VH1 Soul and TVOne I pretty much get all the black programming I need. BET is not necessary anymore. It adds not value to my television viewing time. I swear every time I watch 106 & Park my IQ drops at least 10 points and I have to spend the next week or so reading encyclopedias, dictionaries, and various other books knowledge to get some of them back. BET sucks. Can we at least get Teen Summit back? I'd totally watch 106 if Donnie Simpson (in all of his chocolate skinned green-eyed geriatric fineness) was the host. Can we get some news? Call up Jacque Reid and Ed Gordon. Because what's going on right now is an epic fail. And that's before I start talking about the movies and the church plays they insist on showing.
- Bad weaves/wigs. Look I'm so not against hair accessories. I think wigs and weaves are awesome when their powers are used for good. It's the horrible, cheap ones that really get riled up. I hate to see a beautiful woman with a fly outfit and a lacefront that looks like it has been handed down generation to generation from all the first-born women in her family since the days before slavery. I really need for people to realize that store bought hair is still hair and should be taken care of like it was grown from your own scalp. With tender loving care and moisturization.
- Kids. Look I love, love, love my son. I love him with everything in me. But he belongs to a group of humans that bring me a particular form of disdain that even dumb ass adults can't bring on. Kids. Kids irritate me. So much so that I try to limit my time around groups of them as much as I possibly can. And by group I totally mean one. And well any number over zero has me running for Xanax and clear liquor. Kids talk too much. They move too much. They are just too, too much. I so don't want them around unless they have to be. I don't do parties, play dates are rare, and trips to places where large groups will congregate don't happen. Because at those places I usually encounter a particular subgroup of kids that really makes me want to knock folks out: Bad ass kids (BAKs). This particular brand of irritant makes me want to fight when they come around. And no, before you ask, fighting a child is so not a problem for me. I will trip a kid if they get too close to me while running around like a banshee. I will push a kid back when they run into me. I will drop a kid to their knees if they decided they are grown enough to fight back. And before you get all up in arms call the authorities, you should probably consider doing the same to the BAKs around you. A good chop to the throat can be life changing.
- Perky people. I really don't understand why people have to be so damn upbeat. That really bothers me. It's one thing to be in a good mood, but to be so sweet and syrupy is sickening and should really be against the law. What's the point really? I know you are trying to make people feel good, but you only end up making people like me dislike you. A lot.
- Know-It-Alls. I'm not talking about people who know a lot. I'm a firm believer in knowing a little something about a lot of different things, that makes for good conversation. I'm talking about the jabronis who don't know shit but always feel the need teach you a lesson about something they have no understanding of. To these people I say: Shut. The. F***. Up. You are useless. Nothing you say is helpful. Everything you say is an irritant. Go sit in a corner and read a damn book.
- Liars. These should be obvious. Liars are losers. Especially ones that tell lies when the truth will do.
- Oprah. This broad was recently removed from the list but the shenanigans she pulled today with that who family secret thing earned her readmission. I really don't understand why people are so drawn to this lady. Look, I know you all are going to call me a hater. And honestly, I don't give a damn, because in this particular instance you are right. I'm hating on Oprah. Hard. What is it about her? What makes people go crazy and believe every damn thing that comes out of her mouth? Don't ask me why I don't like her. I can't rightly say. But it started somewhere around the airing of The Women of Brewster Place. Or was it the fact that she came on stage that time in some size 0 jeans looking like a bobble-head dragging a Radio Flyer wagon behind her filled with hog maws, fat back, and bags of lard to symbolize her weight loss. I don't know when it started, but my disdain has grown exponentially over the years. With the largest peak during the Winfrey vs. Beef Industry trial. Seriously, she almost single handedly shut the beef industry down. That's too much power for one woman to have. (FYI: When I said that I used my Dad from Everybody Loves Raymond as a police officer in Malcolm X voice.)
- Local News. Local news irritates me because they never seem to report anything of substance, especially on the morning shows. When I wake up I want to know about what went on in the world while I was sleeping not about puppies who found warmth and nourishment at the teat of a award winning pig. Or how we ranked at #2 on the list of "The Ugliest Cities in the Country". I want hard hitting drama and intrigue. That's why I stick with Brian Williams. He gets me where I need to be. Yes indeed.
Signed,
Tee
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Random Thoughts: Body Art
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| Brandy's new tattoo |
I believe I want another tattoo. I already have 3 and I detest 2 of them. So I'm not sure why I want to do this again. Maybe it's all the pics of the icy ice cream cone on Gucci Mane's face that has me thinking these thoughts. Maybe I need something that will distract me from the foolishness that I already have until I can gather enough sponsors to pay for their removal. Or it could be that I just saw a picture of Brandy's new wrist tat. She allegedly said that it was inspired by Monica. Hmmm....I don't know about you, but there is nothing about Monica that makes me think about elephants or penis. But, whatever explanation works for her totally works for me.
I know you're saying that both of those tattoos should make me run for the hills instead of towards my local ink spot, but the hideousness of these tats have shown me which way not to go. I now know that I should steer clear of any art that depicts or resembles desserts, genitalia, and any creature from the animal kingdom. That should be easy enough. I planned on keeping it simple. Only letters and numbers of the English and Roman variety. Using other languages can get you in a world of trouble. You think you have the Chinese symbol for patience and it really says "For a good time call Trixie". So no, unless I get an official Rosetta Stone translation I'll be keeping to it languages I can read and speak conversationally. I just have no idea where to put it. I've narrowed it down to the top of my foot or the inside of my wrist. Maybe I'll do both. That way I can have a distraction for each crap tattoo that I have. We'll see.
Monday, January 17, 2011
I Have a Dream!
Today the nation celebrates the birth of Rev. Martin Luther King, Jr. On this day we are supposed to participate in activities that work towards the goal of keeping Rev. King's dream of racial equality alive. There will be breakfasts, brunches, parades, church services, and special activities geared toward the betterment of your community. I find all of these things admirable. Especially with the social climate our country and the world today. We all need to be doing everything that we can to make sure that everyone is seen by who they are. That we are judged by our actions and contributions to society.
Currently I'm reflecting on Rev. King's famous "I Have A Dream" speech and thinking of all of the things that I could be doing right now to make the world a better place. Wondering what Tee could be doing to make a change? Since I am a firm believer in providing service to all mankind, this shouldn't be too hard for me. We already now that I'm down for making the world a better place for me to rule and govern, so the things that I'm about to say should not surprise you.
In keeping with the theme of the day I've decided to tell you all about all of the things that I dream of, the things that I wish could happen sometime in the immediate future to make the world a better place for you and me. These things may also be the dreams of someone that you know and love. They may also be something that you didn't even know needed changing. Fair warning, you are going to judge me before this is all over with, but try to stay with me until the end.
I have a dream that good music will make a comeback. That instead of folks telling us to "say ah" and "imma beat it up" that someone will say "turn off the lights" and we'll be able to figure out what happens next.
I have a dream that my little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character. That their character will not be judged by the dumb shit that they say and do. That their illogical and illegal postings on FB and Twitter will not follow them for the rest of their days like bad credit.
Currently I'm reflecting on Rev. King's famous "I Have A Dream" speech and thinking of all of the things that I could be doing right now to make the world a better place. Wondering what Tee could be doing to make a change? Since I am a firm believer in providing service to all mankind, this shouldn't be too hard for me. We already now that I'm down for making the world a better place for me to rule and govern, so the things that I'm about to say should not surprise you.
In keeping with the theme of the day I've decided to tell you all about all of the things that I dream of, the things that I wish could happen sometime in the immediate future to make the world a better place for you and me. These things may also be the dreams of someone that you know and love. They may also be something that you didn't even know needed changing. Fair warning, you are going to judge me before this is all over with, but try to stay with me until the end.
I Have A Dream - The Official TeeMix
I am happy to join with you today in what will go down as one of the most prolific blog posts in Tee's history.
I say to you today, my friends, so even though we face the difficulties of today and tomorrow, I still have a dream.
I have a dream all women will remember to wear Spanx and other appropriate foundation garments will be worn under leggings, jeans, tight dresses, and St. John's suits.
I have a dream that the appearance of BADs and VPLs will be eradicated with the use of said foundation garments.
I have a dream that black women and white women will make hair removal a priority. That XXs with beards, side burns, hairy legs, thick eyebrows, and fuzzy arm pits will be shut down!
I have a dream that grown men will stop wearing cornrows.
I have a dream that young men will recognize that wearing a belt is not a bad thing. That wearing their pants OVER their ass is necessarily a bad thing either.
I have a dream that good music will make a comeback. That instead of folks telling us to "say ah" and "imma beat it up" that someone will say "turn off the lights" and we'll be able to figure out what happens next.
I have a dream that my little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character. That their character will not be judged by the dumb shit that they say and do. That their illogical and illegal postings on FB and Twitter will not follow them for the rest of their days like bad credit.
I have a dream today.
I have a dream that people will stop acting like President Barack Obama is the second coming of Jesus Christ. He is just a man. He is not here to save the world.
I have a dream that one day, down in Arizona, with its vicious racists, with its governor having her lips dripping with the words of interposition and nullification; one day right there in Arizona, little brown boys and brown girls will be able to join hands with other little boys and girls.
I have a dream today.
I have a dream that all of these things will happen in my lifetime. That I will see a world where foolishness, shenanigans, tomfoolery, and ridiculousness are only things that we recall in our memories. This is my hope. This is the faith that I surf the innanets with. That we will be set free from the bondage of no common sense and piss poor decisions!
And when this happens, when we allow freedom to ring, when we let it ring from every village and every hamlet, from every state and every city, we will be able to speed up that day when all of God's children, black men and white men, Jews and Gentiles, Protestants and Catholics, will be able to join hands and sing in the words of the old Negro spiritual, "Free at last! free at last! thank God Almighty, we are free at last!"
I have a feeling more people are gonna hate me off of this one than the time I talked about Eddie Long's wig and Creflo Dollar's shady bookkeeping. Ah well. You all will totally get over it eventually. It's not like I called MLK Jr. out of his name or anything. I merely used his words as a catalyst for change in my world. Isn't that what this day is all about anyway?
Conversations With My Son: Old People Edition
So today The Kid and I had the following conversation while watching the NCIS marathon on USA.
Me: I think you're awesome. You are the best son ever.
Him: Thanks Mama. You're the best Mom ever.
Me: I think you are a great grandson and nephew too.
Him: Am I your grandson and nephew?
Me: No, but my parents and my siblings think you're pretty great.
Him: Siblings?
Me: Yes. That's another word for brothers and sisters.
Him: Oh. I have zero siblings.
Me: Yes, but I think you'd be a great big brother if you did.
Him: Well, I don't think you and Daddy would live long enough to know that.
Me: What! What do you mean?
Him: I mean...you both are in your 30s. You're getting closer and closer to 99!
Me: *blank stare*
Him: Yeah, I think you all should just enjoy life right now. Old people and babies aren't friends.
Me: Thanks for clearing that up.
See how he can take a loving mommy-son moment and piss all over it? Really? Being in your 30s is the equivalent to being geriatric these days? I can't. Not today.
Me: I think you're awesome. You are the best son ever.
Him: Thanks Mama. You're the best Mom ever.
Me: I think you are a great grandson and nephew too.
Him: Am I your grandson and nephew?
Me: No, but my parents and my siblings think you're pretty great.
Him: Siblings?
Me: Yes. That's another word for brothers and sisters.
Him: Oh. I have zero siblings.
Me: Yes, but I think you'd be a great big brother if you did.
Him: Well, I don't think you and Daddy would live long enough to know that.
Me: What! What do you mean?
Him: I mean...you both are in your 30s. You're getting closer and closer to 99!
Me: *blank stare*
Him: Yeah, I think you all should just enjoy life right now. Old people and babies aren't friends.
Me: Thanks for clearing that up.
See how he can take a loving mommy-son moment and piss all over it? Really? Being in your 30s is the equivalent to being geriatric these days? I can't. Not today.
Friday, January 14, 2011
Open Letter: Face the Facts
Dear Black People:
I'm writing this letter to express my concern about the ridiculous amounts of piss poor plastic surgery (PPPS) and facial tattoos that have surfaced over the past few years. I believe my post on Lil' Kim is what set my radar for it afire, because in the short time since writing it my visual cortex has been inundated with PPPS and body art tomfoolery. I'm not against plastic surgery. In fact, I'm all for it. But there comes a time when nippin and tucking are NOT a good thing. That's what I'm here to write to you about.
Look, I've been trying to avoid this for a while now. Because it's really not my business what people do to themselves. But in just the past calendar week, I've encountered some things that require intervention. I'm not talking about a good tummy tuck or Mommy makeover people. I'm talking about nose jobs that make you look like your notstrils have been welded shut, lip implants that make you look like you need an Epi pen and some ice, or facelifts that make you look like blinking will make your forehead rip like Dollar Store toilet tissue. I'm talking about people using their faces as a canvas to display inexplicable artwork. None of this makes sense to me and I'm writing this letter to ask all guilty parties to STOP. Stop this shit right now. We saw how this turned out for my love MJJ and he was the King. Do you really think that you will fare better?
Anyway, like I said, this is an intervention. It's time that we shut shit down with some tough love. So, I'm calling out names.
Can we please start with Gucci Mane? I mean, I know that he's had some alleged mental issues lately but, um, an ice cream cone on your cheek bone? There are sooooo many different things wrong with this. Like for instance, the fact that it's a fuckin' ice cream cone. I know of broads with this same tattoo on their right labia. This ain't the hotness for a dude, ever. I don't care how icy you are. I'm holding up a mirror right now Gucci. Look at yourself. I need for you to explain to me how that shit could ever be great? What you should have done was have a mechanical engineer create some kind of automatic lip balm applicator to stave off the dry, crackedness that is your damn lips. Your ass looks like you been standing outside on a very, very cold and windy day eating powdered donuts and cake flour. Nobody's facial center should be that dehydrated. Let's fix THAT before we do any other damage to your facial situation. Please and thanks.
OK, who's next? Let's go with Sole'. Why does her top lip look like it got slammed in the top of a rollaway desk? And before you ask, I know what kind of swell an antique like that can cause. My right pinky finger is crooked as hell because of one. Anyway, what exactly do you think made her look in the mirror and say "that shit right there is TIGHT"? Because, if it were me and my lip, I'd be in my bed in some kind of deep dark depression afraid for anyone in civilization to see me. I'm going to need for her to wrap some of that hair around her face hijab style until the swelling goes down.
And I know you all of have seen that damn Jermaine Jackson walking around. What the hell is really up with this guy? I mean, we know he already has a faulty decision making gene: 1)he married the bosses daughter, 2)he cheated on the bosses daughter, 3)he messed around with his brothers wife, 4)he had kids with his brother's wife, and 5) he quit the Jackson 5. Not a good track record at all. So I guess we shouldn't be suprised that he walks around looking like he styles his hair with a mixture of black shoe polish, rubber cement, and Blue Magic hair grease. We shouldn't be suprised that he looks like he moisturizes with a delightful mixture of paraffin wax and WD-40. Now that I think about it, other than Janet's boobs, none of the Jacksons have great plastic surgery. I don't know who they think they are fooling with that obviously non-genetic pinched by wire pliers nose. Maybe they got a family discount of some sort? I don't know, but what I DO know that that this guy right here should know better. Because life has he knows it right now has him looking like a California Raisin.
I'm not going to pick an obvious one like Lil' Kim. That's only because I picked on her a couple of days ago. That doesn't mean she's not on my PPPS list, this just mean that we won't discuss that bullshit ass Mac Tonight chin she's rocking these days. Hold up, I guess I did talk about her. Damn, I really didn't mean to. So let's move on.
Lil' Wayne. You have one of the most unfortunate facial situations in music, so I can't really understand why you felt like you should draw attention to it with tears and shit. Don't that mean you murdered somebody on lockdown anyway? Wouldn't that mean you're false flaggin' (See? Tee's gangsta! Don't let the burbs fool ya! ;-)), because you got that way before you served your bid. I'm just saying. There's nothing we can do about it now. It definitely doesn't detract from your musical abilities like say, a paper bag with wholes for the eyes would sooo......just don't do that shit again.
Vivica A. Fox. Girlfriend, I was with you until the swelling went down. Oh me oh damn my. Exactly how do you blink? I definitely file you under unnecessary upkeep because you were perfectly fine before.
Last one, and this one has been vexing me for years. Pepa. Oh. Em. Gee. One of the worst nose jobs ever. I'm thinking she should have gotten a broadshoulderplasty or something of that nature. She totally messed her face up. She was cute in an around-the-way tranny type of way. I'm just not sure what is going on with it now, but nothing else needs to happen.
Please don't think that I'm just picking on black people. I'm so not, I'm an equal opportunity hater. I know that there are plenty of white folks and others walking around looking a hot damn mess about the face (see Joan Rivers, Lara Flynn Boyle, Mickey Rourke), that might be a post for another day. Today, I'm talking about my people. I'm calling for this intervention because these people need to stop going to doctors with hacksaws and start going to surgeon's who use their powers for good. See Kelly Rowland, Nicki Minaj (her nose, not her ass), Halle Berry, and Patti LaBelle for reference please.
Keep this shit up folks and you are going to end up looking like this:
I'm writing this letter to express my concern about the ridiculous amounts of piss poor plastic surgery (PPPS) and facial tattoos that have surfaced over the past few years. I believe my post on Lil' Kim is what set my radar for it afire, because in the short time since writing it my visual cortex has been inundated with PPPS and body art tomfoolery. I'm not against plastic surgery. In fact, I'm all for it. But there comes a time when nippin and tucking are NOT a good thing. That's what I'm here to write to you about.
Look, I've been trying to avoid this for a while now. Because it's really not my business what people do to themselves. But in just the past calendar week, I've encountered some things that require intervention. I'm not talking about a good tummy tuck or Mommy makeover people. I'm talking about nose jobs that make you look like your notstrils have been welded shut, lip implants that make you look like you need an Epi pen and some ice, or facelifts that make you look like blinking will make your forehead rip like Dollar Store toilet tissue. I'm talking about people using their faces as a canvas to display inexplicable artwork. None of this makes sense to me and I'm writing this letter to ask all guilty parties to STOP. Stop this shit right now. We saw how this turned out for my love MJJ and he was the King. Do you really think that you will fare better?
Anyway, like I said, this is an intervention. It's time that we shut shit down with some tough love. So, I'm calling out names.
 |
| Brrr? |
OK, who's next? Let's go with Sole'. Why does her top lip look like it got slammed in the top of a rollaway desk? And before you ask, I know what kind of swell an antique like that can cause. My right pinky finger is crooked as hell because of one. Anyway, what exactly do you think made her look in the mirror and say "that shit right there is TIGHT"? Because, if it were me and my lip, I'd be in my bed in some kind of deep dark depression afraid for anyone in civilization to see me. I'm going to need for her to wrap some of that hair around her face hijab style until the swelling goes down.
 |
| He can't be serious... |
And I know you all of have seen that damn Jermaine Jackson walking around. What the hell is really up with this guy? I mean, we know he already has a faulty decision making gene: 1)he married the bosses daughter, 2)he cheated on the bosses daughter, 3)he messed around with his brothers wife, 4)he had kids with his brother's wife, and 5) he quit the Jackson 5. Not a good track record at all. So I guess we shouldn't be suprised that he walks around looking like he styles his hair with a mixture of black shoe polish, rubber cement, and Blue Magic hair grease. We shouldn't be suprised that he looks like he moisturizes with a delightful mixture of paraffin wax and WD-40. Now that I think about it, other than Janet's boobs, none of the Jacksons have great plastic surgery. I don't know who they think they are fooling with that obviously non-genetic pinched by wire pliers nose. Maybe they got a family discount of some sort? I don't know, but what I DO know that that this guy right here should know better. Because life has he knows it right now has him looking like a California Raisin.
I'm not going to pick an obvious one like Lil' Kim. That's only because I picked on her a couple of days ago. That doesn't mean she's not on my PPPS list, this just mean that we won't discuss that bullshit ass Mac Tonight chin she's rocking these days. Hold up, I guess I did talk about her. Damn, I really didn't mean to. So let's move on.
Lil' Wayne. You have one of the most unfortunate facial situations in music, so I can't really understand why you felt like you should draw attention to it with tears and shit. Don't that mean you murdered somebody on lockdown anyway? Wouldn't that mean you're false flaggin' (See? Tee's gangsta! Don't let the burbs fool ya! ;-)), because you got that way before you served your bid. I'm just saying. There's nothing we can do about it now. It definitely doesn't detract from your musical abilities like say, a paper bag with wholes for the eyes would sooo......just don't do that shit again.
Vivica A. Fox. Girlfriend, I was with you until the swelling went down. Oh me oh damn my. Exactly how do you blink? I definitely file you under unnecessary upkeep because you were perfectly fine before.
Last one, and this one has been vexing me for years. Pepa. Oh. Em. Gee. One of the worst nose jobs ever. I'm thinking she should have gotten a broadshoulderplasty or something of that nature. She totally messed her face up. She was cute in an around-the-way tranny type of way. I'm just not sure what is going on with it now, but nothing else needs to happen.
Please don't think that I'm just picking on black people. I'm so not, I'm an equal opportunity hater. I know that there are plenty of white folks and others walking around looking a hot damn mess about the face (see Joan Rivers, Lara Flynn Boyle, Mickey Rourke), that might be a post for another day. Today, I'm talking about my people. I'm calling for this intervention because these people need to stop going to doctors with hacksaws and start going to surgeon's who use their powers for good. See Kelly Rowland, Nicki Minaj (her nose, not her ass), Halle Berry, and Patti LaBelle for reference please.
Keep this shit up folks and you are going to end up looking like this:
 |
| The Cat Lady - Jocelyn Wildenstein |
Not. The. Hotness.
Signed,
Tee
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Conversations With My Son: The Kids Greatest Hits
Today is my son's birthday. He has provided our family with 7 years of awesomeness. It's been 7 years of copious amounts of laughter and joy. Today while under the guise of doing real work, I sat at my desk reflected on all of the hilarity that he has brought into my world. And I laughed and laughed and laughed. And then I thought, I need to share this with the world. So today, in honor of The Kid's birthday I give you The Kids Greatest Hits!!!
Herman: This one snuck up on me. I really thought Herman was a classmate. I didn't realize that he was using the word as a verb until we were watching television and a particularly frilly young man came on screen and he said "that dude is a Herman.". Being the dumbass that I am, I offered the actors name. And he says to me "No, Mama. He's a herman, he acts like a HER, but he a MAN...Herman." Really? This is what 1st graders come up with now days?
Hurtful: well the definition is clear. He uses this word for any reason that hurts his feelings. If you tell him his farts stink, that he has to go to bed, that he has to eat broccoli he'll respond in kind with "hurtful". One little word, yet it holds so much power.
Seriously: I really wasn't expecting to hear this one for another decade or so, but I guess his smart ass development is not on my timeline. Everytime his father or I do something that he deems unacceptable or uncool he gives us a *side-eye*, an *exasperated sigh* and a "Seriously". I don't really give a shit when he says it anymore. Like I'm gonna let a 7 year olds judgement affect the way I live.
Don't Judge Me: I take full responsibility for this one. He hears me saying this all of the time. And now he asks that we don't judge his love for TMNT, his disdain for the color pink, or his need to eat every two hours like a damn newborn.
So, I'm sure you're not impressed by The Kids vocabulary. And honestly, if I thought he only used these five phrases, I probably wouldn't be either. Then again, I'm not trying to impress you people anyway. Just giving you a few of reasons to giggle. So please get a load of what I'm calling his "greatest hits". The things that he's said over the past 7 years that had me ROTFLMAO.
The Kid on Columbus Day:
Me: Stay at home day for me!!
Him: I know.
Me: Yep. It's Columbus Day. Do you know who he is?
Him: Um hmm. He's the guy that was lost and then found the Indians and made them all sad.
Me: Oh. Well. Have a good day at school
The Kid on Being Black:
I'm not from African America! I'm from Kentucky!
The Kid on Literature:
The Kid on Height:
Him: Mommy...are you short?
Me: No...I'm average.
Him: Am I average too? 'Cause I use the stool to reach things just like you.
Me: :-(
The Kid on Marriage:
Him: Mommy how long have you and Daddy been married?
Me: almost 8 years.
Him: Wow...and he still thinks you're cute?
Me: -speechless-
The Kid on Incompotent Supervisors:
Mommy I think she's a spy for the devil.
You notice how I usually end up speechless? There are very few people on earth that can say something so ridiculous to me that I'm unable to form words. In fact I can only think of 3, my good friend JP, my other good friend the Good Reverend Doctor, and The Kid. They all are XYs. I'm sure that has something to do with it. XYs are really good at Jedi mind tricks. And the trick that gets me every time is making me laugh. Laughter is totally the best way to distract me. And because I'm so used to laughing at the foolishness and shenanigans in the world, it's hard to come to terms with the common sense ridiculousness that can come from these guys. But let's also remember that two of them are middle-aged (at times grumpy) old men. But the last one is 7, he's had nowhere near the amount of time to hone the ability to get under my skin that the other two have. He's like some kind of virtuoso with it. Ah well, I guess I have to get used to it. I have 10 years and 364 days until I can legally kick him out on his ass. Hopefully, he'll make the most of it by making me laugh.
First we'll start with a glossary of terms. Of course our conversations do not center around these particular phrases, but they damn sure make me laugh every time he uses them. And yes, he manages to use them in conversation on a regular basis.
Dude: everyone is a dude. Gender does not matter. How a little black boy from the rough streets of the MD burbs by way of the mean streets KY ended up sounding like Keanu Reeves is a mystery to me. But "c'mon dude", "hey dudes", "really dude?" and "awesome dude" are all used frequently. Herman: This one snuck up on me. I really thought Herman was a classmate. I didn't realize that he was using the word as a verb until we were watching television and a particularly frilly young man came on screen and he said "that dude is a Herman.". Being the dumbass that I am, I offered the actors name. And he says to me "No, Mama. He's a herman, he acts like a HER, but he a MAN...Herman." Really? This is what 1st graders come up with now days?
Hurtful: well the definition is clear. He uses this word for any reason that hurts his feelings. If you tell him his farts stink, that he has to go to bed, that he has to eat broccoli he'll respond in kind with "hurtful". One little word, yet it holds so much power.
Seriously: I really wasn't expecting to hear this one for another decade or so, but I guess his smart ass development is not on my timeline. Everytime his father or I do something that he deems unacceptable or uncool he gives us a *side-eye*, an *exasperated sigh* and a "Seriously". I don't really give a shit when he says it anymore. Like I'm gonna let a 7 year olds judgement affect the way I live.
Don't Judge Me: I take full responsibility for this one. He hears me saying this all of the time. And now he asks that we don't judge his love for TMNT, his disdain for the color pink, or his need to eat every two hours like a damn newborn.
So, I'm sure you're not impressed by The Kids vocabulary. And honestly, if I thought he only used these five phrases, I probably wouldn't be either. Then again, I'm not trying to impress you people anyway. Just giving you a few of reasons to giggle. So please get a load of what I'm calling his "greatest hits". The things that he's said over the past 7 years that had me ROTFLMAO.
The Kid on Columbus Day:
Me: Stay at home day for me!!
Him: I know.
Me: Yep. It's Columbus Day. Do you know who he is?
Him: Um hmm. He's the guy that was lost and then found the Indians and made them all sad.
Me: Oh. Well. Have a good day at school
The Kid on Being Black:
I'm not from African America! I'm from Kentucky!
The Kid on Literature:
The Kid on Height:
Him: Mommy...are you short?
Me: No...I'm average.
Him: Am I average too? 'Cause I use the stool to reach things just like you.
Me: :-(
The Kid on Marriage:
Him: Mommy how long have you and Daddy been married?
Me: almost 8 years.
Him: Wow...and he still thinks you're cute?
Me: -speechless-
The Kid on Incompotent Supervisors:
Mommy I think she's a spy for the devil.
You notice how I usually end up speechless? There are very few people on earth that can say something so ridiculous to me that I'm unable to form words. In fact I can only think of 3, my good friend JP, my other good friend the Good Reverend Doctor, and The Kid. They all are XYs. I'm sure that has something to do with it. XYs are really good at Jedi mind tricks. And the trick that gets me every time is making me laugh. Laughter is totally the best way to distract me. And because I'm so used to laughing at the foolishness and shenanigans in the world, it's hard to come to terms with the common sense ridiculousness that can come from these guys. But let's also remember that two of them are middle-aged (at times grumpy) old men. But the last one is 7, he's had nowhere near the amount of time to hone the ability to get under my skin that the other two have. He's like some kind of virtuoso with it. Ah well, I guess I have to get used to it. I have 10 years and 364 days until I can legally kick him out on his ass. Hopefully, he'll make the most of it by making me laugh.
Monday, January 10, 2011
The Power of Positive Thinking
Soooo....what are you doing today? I'm super excited because I FINALLY got rid of the boot! Hot damn and hallelujah! That medival torture contraption set Operation Get It Together (G.I.T.) back one full calendar week. So I'm going to have to go extra hard to get on track. I'm not going to complain though, because without it I'd still be dragging my leg behind me like Quasimodo. That's definitely not a good look, so I am eternally grateful.
Today I'm taking step one to changing my life!!! *Imagine me standing up, hands clenched, and shaking my head from side to side* OMG that was very Oprah of me. I'm not sure if I'm cool with that. Y'all know how I feel about that heffa. I'm not going to hate too much though today, because I officially let her infiltrate my life about a week ago. My friend Cylia suggested a fitness vision board and I had to go to Oprah's website to get to it. I'm still a big enough hater to not provide the link. Click on Cylia's name and she can get you there. I don't want any parts of it.
Anyway, the vision board. I made the vision board because it's supposed to be a great help with getting your positive thoughts down on paper and out into the atmosphere. I'm sure there's some fancy name for it that Oprah uses like "dream power" or whatever, I don't feel like googling it. All I know is that I'm carrying around a copious amountz of gut meat. My BMI is way above the MaryKateandAshley level that is acceptable for my height. I'm down for anything that will get me back down to my fighting weight. This board is my billboard for fineness. My poster for greatness! I've got deadlines to meet and bikinis to fit so anything that that will get me there is a positive. Even if it's an idea that was forged in the fires of Mount Oprah.
I won't hang my head in shame because I went to Oprah for help. There is something way greater going on here. I'm trying to take over the world. And minions will listen to a long, lean superfine leader way before they will listen to one that's built like a basketball. So, if I have to use that lady as a footstool in my quest to dominate the Earth, then so be it. Don't judge me. Save all that hate for when I'm running things. ;-)
Despite the positive thinking and everything that is involved with this vision board, I'm also going to have to do some work very hard work. I'll be doing another round of P90X and hopefully, I'll get to the point where I can run again. I would really like to run a 5K or two this year. So, all this positive thinking should get me in a two piece and running again in no time. If not...I'm blaming Oprah.
Links that may interest you:
Vision Board Tactics
The Vision Board
The Complete Idiot's Guide to Vision Boards
Using a Vision Board to Activate the Law of Attraction
Today I'm taking step one to changing my life!!! *Imagine me standing up, hands clenched, and shaking my head from side to side* OMG that was very Oprah of me. I'm not sure if I'm cool with that. Y'all know how I feel about that heffa. I'm not going to hate too much though today, because I officially let her infiltrate my life about a week ago. My friend Cylia suggested a fitness vision board and I had to go to Oprah's website to get to it. I'm still a big enough hater to not provide the link. Click on Cylia's name and she can get you there. I don't want any parts of it.
Anyway, the vision board. I made the vision board because it's supposed to be a great help with getting your positive thoughts down on paper and out into the atmosphere. I'm sure there's some fancy name for it that Oprah uses like "dream power" or whatever, I don't feel like googling it. All I know is that I'm carrying around a copious amountz of gut meat. My BMI is way above the MaryKateandAshley level that is acceptable for my height. I'm down for anything that will get me back down to my fighting weight. This board is my billboard for fineness. My poster for greatness! I've got deadlines to meet and bikinis to fit so anything that that will get me there is a positive. Even if it's an idea that was forged in the fires of Mount Oprah.
I won't hang my head in shame because I went to Oprah for help. There is something way greater going on here. I'm trying to take over the world. And minions will listen to a long, lean superfine leader way before they will listen to one that's built like a basketball. So, if I have to use that lady as a footstool in my quest to dominate the Earth, then so be it. Don't judge me. Save all that hate for when I'm running things. ;-)
Despite the positive thinking and everything that is involved with this vision board, I'm also going to have to do some work very hard work. I'll be doing another round of P90X and hopefully, I'll get to the point where I can run again. I would really like to run a 5K or two this year. So, all this positive thinking should get me in a two piece and running again in no time. If not...I'm blaming Oprah.
Links that may interest you:
Vision Board Tactics
The Vision Board
The Complete Idiot's Guide to Vision Boards
Using a Vision Board to Activate the Law of Attraction
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Apocalypse Now
The following is a PSA because I care about you.
Get your lives right people! Start talking to the Lord, Buddha, Rah, or somebody because the end is near! I know I've been saying this since I started the blog. And I'm sure you all thought I was just talking crazy. Some of you probably still do. But I mean, if Sarah Palin, boys in jeggings, and girls hiding contraband under their tits ain't enough proof for you then maybe, just maybe the fact that it's raining birds and shit will be.
I'm sure that scientists will figure out a way to explain all of this away and that will be enough to make you feel better. For instance, 2 million fish crawled up on the shores of the Chesapeake and died because the water was too cold. *side-eye* Well, that shit ain't make me feel good at all. We had 197 inches* of snow and ice fall last Winter and I don't recall a crab, a fish, or any other such chicken of the sea crawling up on shores gasping for breath. So no, no I don't believe the cold whether explanation. And I don't even want to talk about the things that they are saying that explains why birds have started falling from the sky like raindrop on a warm Spring day. A lightning storm in the clouds? High winds that didn't make it down to Earth's crust? Hell, they may as well tell me that over 100,000 birds died because the sun shined too brightly in their eyes and caused them all to fly into each other like the damn Three Stooges, resulting in them all being rendered unconcious and plummeting to their untimely deaths. That's way better than the global warming excuse that some nerd is going to tell us is the reason why it's SNOWING in San Diego! Truthfully, I've never been there so I don't know the weather patterns of Southern California, but I've heard it never rains there, so SNOW damn sure shouldn't be in the forcast.
I blame Schmeco and 'em for acting like plum dumb asses and causing God to get super pissed and press fast forward to the end. I'm thinking it's going to get here before the ball drops on 2012. There are plenty of signs people! Just look around you. You have to pay better attention. Hell, you probably sat next to the anti-Christ on the train to work yesterday. Something in the milk ain't clean© folks. If you believe in a higher power, right now is the time to get right with him (or her). I'd hate to be on the other side of the gates once the Rapture has commenced shaking my head and telling you I told you so. But you know I will.
*: slight exaggeration
©:that one belongs to Khia, but I try to use it in a sentence everyday.
Get your lives right people! Start talking to the Lord, Buddha, Rah, or somebody because the end is near! I know I've been saying this since I started the blog. And I'm sure you all thought I was just talking crazy. Some of you probably still do. But I mean, if Sarah Palin, boys in jeggings, and girls hiding contraband under their tits ain't enough proof for you then maybe, just maybe the fact that it's raining birds and shit will be.
I'm sure that scientists will figure out a way to explain all of this away and that will be enough to make you feel better. For instance, 2 million fish crawled up on the shores of the Chesapeake and died because the water was too cold. *side-eye* Well, that shit ain't make me feel good at all. We had 197 inches* of snow and ice fall last Winter and I don't recall a crab, a fish, or any other such chicken of the sea crawling up on shores gasping for breath. So no, no I don't believe the cold whether explanation. And I don't even want to talk about the things that they are saying that explains why birds have started falling from the sky like raindrop on a warm Spring day. A lightning storm in the clouds? High winds that didn't make it down to Earth's crust? Hell, they may as well tell me that over 100,000 birds died because the sun shined too brightly in their eyes and caused them all to fly into each other like the damn Three Stooges, resulting in them all being rendered unconcious and plummeting to their untimely deaths. That's way better than the global warming excuse that some nerd is going to tell us is the reason why it's SNOWING in San Diego! Truthfully, I've never been there so I don't know the weather patterns of Southern California, but I've heard it never rains there, so SNOW damn sure shouldn't be in the forcast.
I blame Schmeco and 'em for acting like plum dumb asses and causing God to get super pissed and press fast forward to the end. I'm thinking it's going to get here before the ball drops on 2012. There are plenty of signs people! Just look around you. You have to pay better attention. Hell, you probably sat next to the anti-Christ on the train to work yesterday. Something in the milk ain't clean© folks. If you believe in a higher power, right now is the time to get right with him (or her). I'd hate to be on the other side of the gates once the Rapture has commenced shaking my head and telling you I told you so. But you know I will.
*: slight exaggeration
©:that one belongs to Khia, but I try to use it in a sentence everyday.
Friday, January 7, 2011
Nothing Left To Say
I remember when I was obsessed with Lil Kim. I freely admit it. I don't care that you judge me for it. I Stan'd for the broad. I knew every single word to every single song. Hell, "Big Mama Thang" was my theme song in 1997. I saw absolutely nothing wrong with dancing around my dorm room while playing Kimberly (because that's what I called her 'cause she was my friend in my head) blasted and sang about everything from Prada bags to blowing every R&B singer on the charts. I didn't see nothing wrong at all.
Nope, I liked her so much that I stuck with her through Notorious K.I.M, La Bella Mafia, The Naked Truth, and Ms. GOAT.
I totally agreed that she was the greatest of all time. Well, at least the greatest to ever drop hoe prose on wax. She still is. But somewhere, something happened. I don't think we can blame it on the jail time. This process started a little before that. In my opinion, it was when she posed in people magazine with Bert & Ernie brows while holding a box that she claimed held Biggie's ashes. *side-eye* That's when shit started rolling downhill for her. And somehow during this downhill shit storm Kimberly figured out a way to change her genetic make-up, because I looked up the other day and the heffa was an octaroon!! Or at least some kind of creole like Beyonce' and em. She went from the girl that EVERYBODY had hanging on the back of their door (or at the head of your bed) to the white woman nobody really wants to look directly in the eyes. How on Earth did this happen? Blue eyes, blonde hair, high cheek bones, and a pointy nose? Say word Kimberly? This is what you're on? Whatever.
Ah well, I think it's safe to say that my obsession with her is officially over. The things about her that I loved the most, are the things that creep me the hell out now. *pressing play* There's nothing left to say....
Nope, I liked her so much that I stuck with her through Notorious K.I.M, La Bella Mafia, The Naked Truth, and Ms. GOAT.
I totally agreed that she was the greatest of all time. Well, at least the greatest to ever drop hoe prose on wax. She still is. But somewhere, something happened. I don't think we can blame it on the jail time. This process started a little before that. In my opinion, it was when she posed in people magazine with Bert & Ernie brows while holding a box that she claimed held Biggie's ashes. *side-eye* That's when shit started rolling downhill for her. And somehow during this downhill shit storm Kimberly figured out a way to change her genetic make-up, because I looked up the other day and the heffa was an octaroon!! Or at least some kind of creole like Beyonce' and em. She went from the girl that EVERYBODY had hanging on the back of their door (or at the head of your bed) to the white woman nobody really wants to look directly in the eyes. How on Earth did this happen? Blue eyes, blonde hair, high cheek bones, and a pointy nose? Say word Kimberly? This is what you're on? Whatever.
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| What's was so wrong with this? |
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| No ma'am!! |
I won't say this is unacceptable, because it's her own damn head she's cutting on. I just wish she was a little more subtle with it. Like are the cheeks really necessary? Did she have to go with breast that could feed a village full of famished infants? But, alas, there's never been anything subtle about Kimberly. She does everything big and way over the top. I wonder if this is some kind of Napoleon complex? It could also explain why she needs to get at Nicki Minaj. Which is foolish. But I talked about that like 3 entries ago.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Law and Order
I noticed something while snuggled on the couch watching football and various other snooze inducing sports with Hubby. Men are simple. I say this because of the things that were being marketed to them and the manner in which they were being marketed. There are no serious commericials. Even when they are about serious shit. For instance, if I were an XY, I would take having small peen seriously. But these guys put an old dude like Jimmy Johnson in a commercial for Extenze and he says shit like "Go long with Extenze"!! I laugh at that one for so many different reasons, but if I were a boy, I'm sure I wouldn't. Microscopic peen is nothing to laugh at people. At least it's not for me. But they are pubbing this stuff like it's the next big thing (lol I didn't mean for that pun to happen, but that was pretty funny).
And then there were these Shape Ups commercials that appeared to be played on a continuous loop. Lawd hammercy! First of all, a self proclaimed shoe-a-phile, I must say that the very idea of these shoes makes me itch! They are horrible. Look at it! It looks like something Frankenstein's Monster would wear as a church shoe. Secondly, why is this old dude Karl Malone pushing them like they are Gucci's or Prada? Nothing about him makes me want to buy anything. Except maybe a rotary phone, some Tussy cream, or some Ben-Gay. So anyway, I sit up to put some space between me and the big guy so that I could think clearly. This was definitely a *pause* moment. Did this giant man just tell my husband and every other man watching ESPN at that moment that it's okay to wear shoes that have a curvy sole? Shoes that have a history of being marketed to women as butt builders and thigh shapers? Friends, I believe I stumbled across what some of my friends like to call a "Man Law Violation". I'll go into what that is a little further in a moment, but before I do that I need to get this off my chest: I hope that what I'm about to say doesn't offend anyone. No. I take that back, I hope it does, because if any of you XY's are walking around toning up your tushies with these shoes, I hope that you are feeling copious amounts of shame. And I hope that you are shamed into taking them off, manning up, and doing a couple thousand damn squats. The nerve of you, walking around with this shit on your feet like it's okay. No man, I repeat, NO MAN should be wearing these damn shoes. It goes against everything in your genetic makeup. So if you're doing it: Stop it. Stop it right damn now!! Wooooo! Now that was some sweet release right there.
So anyway, I said all of that to say that the whole idea of those shoes got me thinking about "Man Laws" and the various ways to violate them. I know some of you ladies are asking, "Tee, what's a Man Law"? Well, according to my BMF (best man friend) Anonymous*, it's defined as an "unwritten code by which men live". Really? Dudes have a CODE? A code by which they LIVE by? This is fascinating to me because most of the ones that I know seem like they make all decisions on a whim and prayer. It's nice to know that there's reasoning behind the foolishness.
According to Anonymous there are a vast amount of laws that a man should never break. He provided some examples of laws that should never broken by XYs. I'm not sure what the punishment is for breaking these laws. I'm guessing it would be up to the man or men who witness you breaking these laws to bring the hammer down on you. I'm sure it's nothing I need to be involved in anyway. So the laws that Anonymous has provided as examples are:
*stolen from a pleasant, old, white haired track coach who didn't look like he would say something so hilarious. But, then again, he also shocked a friend with an electric cattle fence so I shouldn't be suprised, right? LMAO
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| Seriously people? |
So anyway, I said all of that to say that the whole idea of those shoes got me thinking about "Man Laws" and the various ways to violate them. I know some of you ladies are asking, "Tee, what's a Man Law"? Well, according to my BMF (best man friend) Anonymous*, it's defined as an "unwritten code by which men live". Really? Dudes have a CODE? A code by which they LIVE by? This is fascinating to me because most of the ones that I know seem like they make all decisions on a whim and prayer. It's nice to know that there's reasoning behind the foolishness.
 |
| Hilarious. SMH |
- NEVER bring a date to a sanctioned mens only event, especially ones involving sports.
- No certified man cave should smell of candles or fruity air fresheners. According to him they should smell of: wings, chips, hot dogs, beer, and leather chairs.
- No man should ever sing a song written for or by a woman. Examples: Beyonce's "Irreplaceable" and Keri Hilson's "Pretty Girl Rock".
- No skinny jeans. Period. Ever. Never. Ever. Ever.
- Real men don't drink liquor that comes with pieces of fruit, glasses lined with sugar, or bendy straws.
Tee's Double X Directives
- No woman should ever venture outside the confines of her home exhibiting muffin top, booty do, back flaps, or any other forms of misshapen ickiness while wearing leggings, jeggings, halter tops, shelts, minis, cropped tops, etc.
- No woman large or small should leave her home wearing any of the aforementioned clothing without the proper foundation garments (bras, girdles, Spanx, pasties, etc.).
- No woman should ever lie to a friend that looks a damn mess just to save said friends self-esteem.
- No woman should ever date/sleep with another friends ex at any point sooner than 5 years past the expiration date of the previous relationship. You also can not get mad at the friend when she warns you that said man ain't shit and you still date him anyway and he proceeds to take out all his aintshitness on you.
- No woman should ever get super sloppy fall down drunk and not expect her friends to talk about her.
- That said, no woman should ever do hoe shit while super sloppy fall down drunk and then get mad when her hoeshitness is posted on FB, Twitter, or hometown billboards.
*stolen from a pleasant, old, white haired track coach who didn't look like he would say something so hilarious. But, then again, he also shocked a friend with an electric cattle fence so I shouldn't be suprised, right? LMAO
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Happy New Year!
*I apologize for the lameness of the gif, but Mahogany doesn't make clip art.*
Well folks, 2011 officially here. I hope that you all had really good times ringing the new year in. I know I did. I'm not much of a partier so I usually sleep through it. But, this year I toasted some douche and scum bags (respectively) and even stayed up long enough to see the fireworks and to hear the gunfire that even suburbanites are compelled to pop off on the last day of the year. Ain't that some shit? All this hard work and money I put into moving away from the threat of death by stray bullet and these cookie cutter homeowners out here are the still putting me in danger. Remind me to write an angry letter to my neighborhood association.
As you all know this is the time of year that we make resolutions and promises to ourselves that we know we aren't gonna keep. I wonder who said that lying to yourself is a requirement for starting out the new year right? Well, since Tee's World is a place of truth I won't be doing that. Well, actually I just won't be calling them resolutions. Resolutions have a bad rap. I'm going to make some vows. And I'm a person that takes things like vows very, very seriously so you won't have to worry about me breaking them.
So here we go, my list of things that I vow to do in 2011. Try not to judge me mmmkay?
- I vow to be a better listener. This means I'm going to try to wait until the person I'm talking to gets their entire statement out of their mouth before I label them a moron or ass clown.
- I vow step outside of my comfort bubble and to talk to at least one stranger (or strange person) once every 2 (or 3) weeks. This is a big deal for me people. Stranger danger is real Tee's World. We don't really mess with folks we don't know.
- I vow to lose 15 - 20 lbs. of gut meat. I know some of you think wide hips and jiggle is sexy. That being "thick" is some kind of badge of honor. I don't. I wanna be built like a #2 pencil.
- I vow to leave the all the grudges that I've been carrying around for the past few years alone. I'm tired people. Hauling around all that shit is fatiguing. It's time to let it go. I'm sure that will help with my keeping #3. Hell, I feel 20 lbs. lighter by just writing this down.
- I vow to have some real fun this year. I have not yet defined what "real fun" is to me yet, so that will be announced at a later date. However, I know it will include some people watching, story telling, jokes, and what not. Yeah, that sounds like lots of fun....
Remember to make some vows to yourself that you know you are capable of keeping. Figure out some ways that will help you keep them. For example, I've come up with a mantra: "That's Me". I've decided to make 2011 all about me, and every decision I make will be based on whether or not it makes me happy. So, whenever I need to make a decision or come across something that I may want to do, I figure out if "that's me" and if it is, I do it. Pretty simple right? If a mantra isn't your thing, try on picking out a theme song that you can play in your head when things get real and you feel yourself about to give up. There are actually several songs that play in my head at any given time, but I've decided that my theme song for the year is going to be "Monster" by Kanye West, it gets me pumped in a very major way for so many different reasons.
Have a great new year folks. I hope you can come up with some life changing vows. And even if you don't, just continue to live the best one that you can. That's all that matters anyway.
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