Republican National Convention = An Insomniac DREAM!!

I'd like to thank all of my friends for their RNC commentary this week.  

I usually try to keep up with all things political, especially in an election year.  But I legit couldn't keep my eyes open when I turned it on.  That mess was a like a real live melatonin OD. I'm talking the kind of sleep that so deep that you wake up and have to take a few minutes and remember where you are! 

An insomniacs dream.  

Reeps should bottle it up and sell it.  

Good night.

Real Life Skills: The Anti-Judgement Initiative

If you haven't been living under a rock these past few days you know that the 2012 Olympics have been underway in London, England.

USA Men's Olympic Swim Team.

I've had a grand time watching Team USA break records, make history, and win medals.  Full disclosure: I also spent a far amount of your tax dollars swooning over the men's swim team.

My only complaint is that to get to the good stuff like swimming, gymnastics, women's beach volleyball, or synchronized diving; you have to sit through crap like table tennis or men's volleyball (beach or indoor).

These sports don't give me what I need.  So while attempting to watch these wacktackular events my mind began to wander.

As you know, the wandering mind and random thoughts really isn't out of the ordinary for me. Seeing all of the countries together competing and appearing to live harmoniously in the Olympic Village made me think of some things that I thing would make this world a much better place.

Mainly I was thinking about community service (not court ordered).  Ways to make people act like they have good sense.  Like, what kind of guidance could Tee give to make sure the good citizens of the world didn't embarrass themselves and end up viral on theses innanets?  But then I figured that that is a hopeless cause because some people are just good at being judged.  This is learned behavior for some, congenital for others. There is really no way to "cure" it.

But I can do my part to make sure that even if you have it in you, you can practice ways to keep it out of sight.  Kind of like birth control. Except instead of practicing safe sex, this is about practicing using your good damn common sense.

So, I decided that I would give some guidance on how to live a awesome and peaceful judgement free existence in Tee's World.

These aren't laws or anything, I'm no dictator.  These are just rules that you should abide by in life (or at least while in my presence) to prevent ridicule and self-esteem expulsion.

1. A man that is taller than 4'7" should never drive a Mini Cooper, Smart Car, or any other mode of transportation that looks like it should be an Bratz doll accessory.  I'm pretty sure you think you're cool or saving the Earth, but honey you just look silly folding yourself into those clown cars.  Buy a car that's made for humans you d-bag. 
2. No woman should have more facial hair than any 6 year old boy that you know.  I know you're thinking "but Tee, 6 year old boys don't have facial hair."  EXACTLY.
3. No human should walk these streets with feet that look like they have been in existence since the beginning of time. Jesus didn't invent paraffin dips and honey pedicures so y'all could be walking around with Hobbit feet!!  Dammit do us all a favor and at least buy a pumice stone and a bucket.  Let those thangs soak and scrub away the destitution and darkness that is covering your soles.  It's 2012.  There's absolutely no fucking excuse for you to be walking looking like you personally mapped out the Underground Railroad with your metatarsals.
4. Brush, floss, gargle. Rinse, repeat. Get yourself some dental  insurance and make sure you take full advantage of everything those DMDs have to offer. I know this seems really random, but y'all are going to have to trust me on this one.  I've seen some shit in my lifetime that would make Baby Jesus take a header out of the manger. You don't want to be walking these streets looking like Jack Skellington. A copay is nothing compared to the warm feeling you will get when you smile and see every tooth the Good Lord gave you. 
5. Wear clothes that fit. There's nothing worse than seeing a woman in an awesome outfit that is 10 sizes too small.  I'm sure you think you're sexy but the whole world is standing in judgement against you dear.  Ain't nothing hot about walking these streets looking like a busted Summer sausage casing.  And fellas can we please stop it with the oversized jeans and tees AND the undersized jeans and tees? If you can't walk because your pants are so big you have to keep pulling them up or so small that you balls chafe you need to make some changes in your life! Nothing makes me want to commit vehicular manslaughter more then a young man in a cross walk who's delaying my trip because his damn pants don't fit. In Tee's World tapping a pedestrian like this with the grill of your SUV will only be a misdemeanor.  You won't even have to come to court for that shit. 
6. Keep personal conversations personal.  Now THIS is a novel idea. I know way more about people than I could ever want to based off of the things that they say out loud while chatting on the phone. If I didn't use my powers for good I could have stolen at least 27 identities, pilfered 8 homes while the owners were on vacation, slept with 12 aintshit husbands, took 7 aintshit wives out for drinks and bj's, and enjoyed some illegal pick-me-ups with 32 good for nothing teenagers.  You people need to learn how to whisper and or get the hell up from your desks.  Cubicles are made from carpet and wire.  They have no ceiling. They are NOT soundproof.  Jeez.
7. Stop talking strangers about hair. Look me in the eyes when I tell you this. I DON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT YOUR HAIR CHOICES.  NOT ONE. That's pretty much it. Anybody that randomly comes up to me and starts talking about why they started relaxing again, why they stopped relaxing, giving unsolicited hair tips, or touching my afro for texture checks get sideeyes, rolled eyes, blank stares, and maybe even a long frustrated exhale.  What you do with your mane is your business ma'am.  What I do with mine, is mine. I never had a fuck to give about your head and what you do with it.  Just because we both can't use a fine toothed comb does not make us sisters in the struggle. Get your life.

I'm going to stop now because this list would get extra lengthy.  

Anyway, that should be enough to get you good folks started.  Keep doing any of them and the citizens of the world will keep treating you like....well like they've been treating you. 

Y'all have a good day.  I'm about to go stare at Ryan Lochte's webpage, so I know I will.  ;-)

SWWWWWOOOOOOOONNNNNN!!!!

Random Thoughts: Lazy Day Edition

Before I start today's post, I just want to thank everyone who read and shared my last post.  Apparently, lots of folks thought it was funny and increased traffic around these parts A LOT.  I appreciate you all.  Anything you can do to raise my number of minions...I mean fans, means the world to me. :-)

Okay, on to today's post......

Today is an extra lazy day.  Besides getting up to head to a local diner to stuff my face with fatty and cholesterol laden deliciousness, I've done nothing but read, lay in bed and watch wacktackular movies.  The wacker the better. Movies like Burlesque, Honey, Glitter. I even considered a Tyler Perry church play.  So you KNOW I'm in a damn good mood.

Most people don't understand what I find entertaining about bad movies.  But my mind is kind of fucked.  I'm pretty much into everything that is inappropriate and I tend to laugh at the most unfunny things.  I happen to find humor in the fact that the people acting in these movies are really and truly being serious and giving it all that they have. I'm talking what I'm quite positive that they believe are Oscar worthy performances.  And they still suck. A LOT.  It's truly amazing to me. I can't get enough.  I can't stop watching them.  It's my strange addiction.

Anyway, I've been up since like 3 am.  It's days like these, when there is nothing really going on, and I have plenty of time to myself that I think of the most random things.  I mean, if you've been hanging around in Tee's World long enough you should know that my mind is pretty damn random on most days anyway, but if you give this gray matter time to roam on it's own there's really no telling what you're going to get.

I really didn't have a topic to write on and I promised myself that I would try to write at least once a week.

So here are some of my thoughts for April 28, 2012:

Never not funny. 

<-----This is my favorite shirt.  I should wear it more.  It's a great conversation starter.  Which 1sucks for me because I don't really like having conversations.

I'm 87.65% sure that Mitt Romney is the Manchurian Candidate.

Olivia Pope kinda makes me want to date women.  But not all women.  Just Olivia Pope. We'd share war stories and handbags and shoes.

Spot on casting!!

GCB is funny as all fucks. Those white broads are bat shit crazy. I love it.

Angelina Jolie really does look like Malificent!! OMG

My son will be taller than me soon.

Whatever happened to Tony Terry?  Is he singing "With You"? I wonder how much he charges for appearances? Was he a natural red head?

I should design some t-shirts.

I think I want a food truck. I have no idea what I'd serve.  Maybe ice cream.  But that would make it an ice cream truck...

Some prime rib would be nice.

I miss my Mama.

It really is funny when The Kid falls out of the bed.

Love Jones might be the best black love story ever told.  "I love you. That's urgent like a mothafucka." Smooth game.  Well played Darius Lovehall.  Well fuckin' played.

On second thought, Love & Basketball is the best black love story. Love Jones has the best soundtrack.

I wish I had a queen friend to submit for RuPaul's Drag Race.

Misshapen really is a great word.  I should use it more.

I really regret not going to Vegas with the homies. I can't miss anymore trips.  I just can't.

Well, those are some of the more normal thoughts I've had today.  I'll keep the more radical ones to myself.  I am trying to take over the universe.  I don't want you all thinking I can't rule over ALL because you think I'm crazy as hell.

Everyone Is NOT A Winner

Me and a friend were having a conversation the other day.

This friend was explaining to me how you can no longer cut children from teams or school activities.  Now because my child is younger, I'm not well versed on all the ins and outs of school sports politics.  I only know about shit like wee ball, youth basketball, and kung fu (The Kid is a beast with the left chop-right kick combo y'all).

Anyway, we were talking about how some of these kids that aren't cut suck donkey balls at whatever sport they are playing.  But because of the rule you have to let them play.

In my opinion, and here in Tee's World we know it's the only one that matters, that's WACK!!! If you suck you shouldn't be on the team. Point blank period.  Be a towel boy, go fetch water, shit join the Team Trainer Corps, but get the entire fuck off the field!!!

I hate the idea that all kids get a ribbon.  The fact that there are no losers anymore is what's wrong with the world.

I call it the pussification[1] of our youth.

Pussification is one of the reasons bullying is so rampant these days.  Everybody wants to be nice and there are no consequences for the kids that are wack.  Look, I've been bullied it's not fun.  And I'm not saying that it's not a real problem. What I'm saying is the way that these problems are being addressed are not the correct way.  When I was being bullied I ran home crying.  You want to know what happened? Big Daddy locked me out of the fucking house and told me not to bring my crying ass home until somebodies ass was kicked. I've carried that lesson in my heart and soul since I was 7 years old.  The last person that tried to bully me ended up with an eye patch for the Summer.[2]


And you want to know what else? I've been cut from teams. And I cried about it and I felt bad. But you want to know what happened? Big Mama said, "Girl get it together. So what you ain't make it on THAT team. You're good enough to make another." And I believed her.  I found something that I was good at and I did make another team. And we were ALL-STARS.

But these days, instead of playing outside, working hard at your craft, practicing hand to hand combat, and learning how not to be an all around loser, we've got a generation of vitamin D deficient simps who don't know battle outside of a fucking Worlds of Warcraft level.

Truthfully, it's really not the kids faults.  I blame the parents.  I'm quite sure the reason why everybody gets a ribbon on my sons b-ball team is because little LuQuane's daddy was extra wacktackular with his crossover and got cut from every team in every league in his hometown.  So now we have to suffer through watching LuQuane fumble, fall, and score goals for the other team because his daddy just wasn't good enough.

Fuck that.

I say bring back team cuts.  Bring back the sucky feeling you get when you get 2nd. Bring back the big shiny trophies and medals for first and the bargain bin homemade ribbons for everybody else. Bring back touchdown celebration dances and the art of talking shit to your opponent.  Bring back intimidation and the ability to make your opponent feel like they belong on the bottom of your shoe.

It's what the world needs.

Pussification is the reason why some many of today's youth are making piss poor decisions. No way a kid who knows the feeling of real life consequences would walk out of the house like this:

Seriously ma'am?

Only people who have walked pussified streets would feel safe walking around like this with no fear of retribution.

This ain't right!!

Pussification is the reason why Drake sells out stadiums.

Pussification is the reason why a man wearing skin tight chartreuse skinny jeans is acceptable.

Pussification is the reason why McDonald's started selling microscopic fries with their Happy Meals.

Pussification is the reason why folks like Rush Limbaugh can pop off without feeling the loving force of 5 knuckles to his jaw immediately afterward.

*sigh* Y'all gonna get enough of letting shit like this slide.  I fully expect someone like this to end up being the POTUS and there won't be anything any of us can do about it.  Hopefully, the Good Lord will see fit to press pause on Earth's rotation before then.

---

[1]Pussification: v. the act of turning something into a pussy. Also see bitch made, punk, aintshit.
[2]True story.
.

And One Shall Lead Them All...

I was talking to Hubby last night about some randomness.  Our conversation turned to some foolishness that this clown name Rand Paul (R-KY) said about equating universal healthcare to slavery....or something like that.

This dude is a clown.  Seriously.  How does one even fix their mouth to spout some bullshit like that? Even his homegirl in back was like "Nah son!"

Anyway, I don't want to spend all my time talking about this loon representing the good people of the Commonwealth of Kentucky.  While hanging my head in shame at the representation of my home state, I was inspired to write.

People voted for that fool Rand Paul.  They actually pushed a button that said they wanted him to be the voice of the people of KY. This got me to thinking.  What would the world be like if black people (and I only say black people because I happen to be black and I don't know what you white folks reading want out of life) actually picked a someone to represent them.  To speak for them on a national level so that all of our thoughts and opinions and concerns are known by all. 

Could you imagine what would happen if black people got together to fight for something that we truly believe in like the Tea Party did?  How awesome would that be? I'm not sure what we would call it, The Hot Cocoa Party? The Black Coffee Caucus? The Hot Water Cornbread Coalition? I'll have to think further on this...

*pause* I think I should take some time to let the good white folks (and others) reading this to know that I'm not planning some sort of negroid uprising behind your backs.  Don't call Faux News and em on me. *play*

What would happen if we all went to the polls and elected a spokesperson for all things black? I'm not saying that we need an exact clone of Malcolm and Martin.  Although, that would be nice.  I'm thinking that a leader these days has to be a little bit different than those guys.

Look, don't think that I'm dissing these dudes.  That's not what I'm doing at all.  Malcolm X happens to be one of the people alive or dead that I would invite to Sunday dinner.  I would invite Adolf Hitler too.  How crazy would that meal be? I've actually imagined how it would go in my head, but that's a story for another time. 

Anyway, I appreciate everything that past leaders and activists have done for the black community.  Without their sacrifices of time and sometimes their life, I would not be able to do many of the things that I do today.  Like ride in the front of the bus, vote, or spew bullshit via this blog on these innanets.

But like I said before, shit is different these days. I don't want to say that it's because the social climate in the world is different and that these types of leaders not needed.  Anybody who believes that is sadly mistaken.  The issues that these leaders from the past that I speak of are still a problem today.  Hell, some of it is worse.  Because of this that I feel like there needs to be someone that we can look to to represent our community on the world stage.  Someone who can take our issues to "The Man" (whoever that is) and be a voice for us.  Someone who can lead us in protests, sit-in, telethons, YouTube video competitions, revivals, and what not.

But we don't have anyone these days who is capable of doing this.  In fact, I'll go out on a limb and say that the people who currently consider themselves the leaders in the black community are truly incapable of leading anything.  Well, that's not true.  Some of them can lead a whole group of folks into all sorts of foolishness.  Eddie Long got a bunch of you thinking that having barely legal boys as travel companions is perfectly fine behavior and Creflo Dollar (and his bottom bitch Taffi) got y'all planting seed offerings at the altar for Lear jets and Maybachs...that you'll only see in Polaroids passed during Wednesday Bible study. 

Now I know a couple of y'all pressed pause on that one.  Nobody wants anybody to talk about the folks that are supposed to be helping our people reached the proverbial Promised Land.  Can't be calling folks pimps and pedophiles all willy nilly.

Welp.  I didn't get that memo.  Or maybe I ignored it.  Tomaytoe, tomahtoe.

It is my opinion that today's black leaders are so full of selfishness and aintshitness that they are incapable of doing anything more that provide a few soundbites and fodder for blogs and local news. 

Back in the day a person would start a movement from their front porch, out of church basements and what not.  Any injustice qualified as a reason to stand up and say something.  These days, if it doesn't get you an interview with Sean Hannity or a guest spot next to Barbara Walters on The View our "leaders" don't want anything to do with it.

Honestly, I don't think black folks could get a grass roots movement for change started if our lives depended on it.  Hold up, I take that back.  Let somebody ban the use of synthetic yaki or grown men with cornrows and some of you fools will be picketing and singing "We Shall Overcome" like it's 1952.  You know who you are. 

I know some of you are disagreeing right now.  You are probably yelling out a list of folks that have appointed themselves leaders for all those black, brown, yella, and downtrodden.

Well, stop it.  Stop it right now.  The people you just called out ain't worth a damn.

Let us discuss some of those options please.  The way I see it, black people usually pull our pool of candidates for leadership from 3 distinct groups: preachers, intellectuals, and athletes. When you read my list you'll pretty much be able to figure out where everybody goes.  Some can fit into more than on category.  Some are shaky on fitting into one.  And most of them are going to be preachers because that's who we as a people usually look to for guidance and leadership. 

So anyway, I present to you:

Your Options

 

1. President Barack Obama.  Well, this one was pretty obvious, wasn't it? n Why wouldn't he be a candidate? He's the leader of the damn free world! Can't get much more leaderish than that.  The dude has swagger on a thousand billion trillion! He has an awesome voice. It's like a super, smooth Quiet Storm D.J. When he talks, people listen.  Even if they don't want to hear what he has to say. That voice...  Okay, enough of that.  I'm not trying to have Chelly O going Southside on my ass and pulling out her razor on me.

What were we talking about? Oh yeah, anyway, another thing we have to think about is that just because he's black doesn't mean that all decisions he makes will be for the betterment of black people only.  He's the PRESIDENT.  He has more constituents to worry about than just those with high levels of melanin.   As a side note while we are talking about the President I just thought I'd get out something I've been holding on to for a minute.  It seems like some of you folks are confusing this guy with this guy I know named Jesus.  You act like this man can wave his hand and the oceans will be stilled.  That he's so light on his feet that he won't sink when he steps out on some water.  You think that just because he's a brother that shit will automatically be better and different for you.  This needs to stop.  He's just a man.  A man, who happens to be black, who's 9-5 happens to be the POTUS.  He doesn't have time for the woes of all black people.  Stop acting like he's going to change the world for you personally because of his paint job. So...while POTUS gets my vote for being leader of the free world, it's a nay for him being leader of black folks.

2. Rev. Jesse Jackson.  One good thing about this dude is that he can go to foreign countries and get hostages freed.  I think he's done it like twice already.  I believe this is because he has no real command of the English language and those who speak English as a second language can relate.  I only understand every 3rd word that comes out of his mouth.  Now I don't discriminate against our brethren who are not fluent in the English, but I won't be voting for their worldwide representation either.

3. Louis Farrkhan.  He's nothing like the good Rev. Jackson.  He speaks so well!  I mean, when the dude talks you gotta listen.  He's the best kind of orator because he mingles truth with subtle (and sometimes not so subtle) put downs.  He makes you really think about things that are going on in the world.  Also, he's pretty easy on the eyes.  At least compared to the other guys. I mean if you like that yellow bone, mean side part, $1000 pinstriped suit wearing geriatric deliciousness, I won't judge.  Well, I will, but not a lot.  Thing is, this man is batshit crazy.  He can drop all kinds of well informed jewels, but he'll follow up with some "I've been yanked up by aliens" or "Me and E.T. had brunch at the Four Seasons last week"  or "I spent the weekend with my alien concubine and she dropped me off on the White House lawn" type shit and negate all of the positive messages that he put down.  I find it truly frustrating.  Because sometimes I really want to agree with the dude. But he gets a no from me too.

4. Rev. Al Sharpton, this dude is  fearless.  I'll give him that.  But he has to be.  Any grown ass man that will get on a television show that is viewed throughout the whole damn world  rocking a hard press and curl has got to have balls the size of the Rock of Gibraltar.  No man should ever have hair that looks like it belongs on your MeMaw's wig stand.  Do you really want a dude that looks like this representing our people to the world? I sure don't.  Also, I fear that if chosen there would be a whole regions of people who would mistake him for Big Worm and then who would take him seriously?

5. Tyler Perry.  I picked this guy as an example, because some of you act like his movies and plays are some serious life changing shit.  Y'all are really believing that this dude represents the black community through an old broad wearing a bad wig and packing a .45.  Y'all can go on somewhere with that.  Always saying that there's somebody in your family that "acts just like that".  Ummmmm.....no.   Plus, nothing good can come from having a leader whose initials are TP.  Folks wipe their asses with that.  Some people (I see you Spike Lee) want to do that with his DVDs.  But that can't be a healthy or safe habit to have.  So let's keep our citizens asses chafe free...and keep him over --------->>> there. 

6.  Oprah Winfrey. Look, if this broad ain't playing Miss Sophia, then I don't want nothing to do with her.  She's at the top of my aintshit list.  I blame Oprah for everything that's wrong with the world.  I blame her for Tyler Perry.  I blame her for global warming.  I blame her for Myspace.  I blame her for Lil Boosie.  I blame her for bad lace-front wigs.  I think she invented jeggings.  Oprah is the root of all evil.  But most of you can't see it.  You think that she's something special because she's got billions and billions of dollars. *Dr. Evil voice* She's got you fooled.  Building schools in Africa and giving away cars with her right hand and doing all kinds of unknown evil shit with her left.  I don't know what that evil is.  I just know she's doing it.  Look at each and every cover of her magazine (because nobody else is worthy of the cover), you can see it in her eyes.  Something in the milk ain't clean with this broad.  Nah, Oprah gets no vote from me.  She ain't right. 

7. Kobe Bryant. I almost picked Albert Haynesworth...but...well I won't touch that dude.  Not that he would touch me back anyway.  I pick Kobe because he has legions of black men hanging from his testicular region right now anyway.  He may as well segue all this power into making a difference for all black people.  Imagine how proud some of you would be to be able to say Kobe was your representative.  I'm sure Vanessa wouldn't let him stay out once the street lights come on, but imagine the shit he could do while the sun is still high in the sky? I heard he's going to have some free time so y'all may wanna put in some calls and get him to figure out what his platform is.  But whatever it is he gets a no from me.

Well, that's my list so far.  I was going to add Steve Harvey, but I got pissed off at myself for even thinking it. 

Anyway, what do you think of my list? I think it pretty much backs up the notion that we're coming up with a big ole 0 when it comes to leaders.  But then again it's probably just me being picky.  I tend to do that. 

And before you ask, no I won't be nominating myself.  I'm trying to be ruler of the universe.  I don't have time to be dealing with the likes of you.

Random Thoughts: Theories

I don't profess to know everything, but I try my damndest to make up something so that I have an answer for all questions.  Most of my answers come from what I call my "theories".  Just about everything that I say, all of my non-religious beliefs usually can be traced back to one of my theories.  Most are pretty random, but they all make complete sense to me.  So much sense that I will debate you to within an inch of your life using just my brain and the foolishness floating around in it as a reference.  My husband hates that.  I'm sure most of my friends do too.

I've decided to share some of my less controversial theories with you today.  I didn't want to give you too much because my shit would get red flagged quicker than a direct BBM to Kim Jong-il.

1. Every woman is one menstrual cycle away from starring in her own episode of Snapped. 
When you are on your period there is always an XY close by doing the dougie on your last good nerve.  What is it about this time that makes even a mute dude want to speak up and ask a million dumb questions? Seriously?  How many different ways can you explain that it feels like the devil and his minions decided to build a pup tent on your ovaries and spend their free time dancing a jig up and down your uterine wall and you just want to be left the hell alone? I've counted 43,672 that I've used on my own.  Maybe you have more.

2. Even the lowest of LSEs can find love on the innanets.
Thirst and desperation are running rampant in these streets folks.  Some of the things that people do for attention just boggles my mind.  I don't recall ever being able to photos of folks privacy without having to pay for access on a special site.  Folks are doing all kinds of unnecessary stuff for attention.  Like choreographing wack moves and dry humping electronics during these dance routines.  Or a grown man covering himself in bubbles while basking in the glow of candlelight.  I'm sure there are other ways to show off your Mama's garden tub.  Stop it. 

3. Politicians are not in politics for the betterment of the people, they are for the enhancement of their ego.
The threat of the government shutdown pretty much solidified my opinion of all politicians.  Their level of aintshitness is above and beyond that of any other ainshit individual on this Earth.  I believe that everyone who knows someone who would have been directly or indirectly affected by the shutdown should examine how this issue was handled by BOTH parties.  Look at this and they way that other decisions that have affected policy have been made and make sure that you use this information to make an informed decision at the polls in 2012.

4. The Devil invented reality television.
I honestly never thought that I would get to the point where I would utter the following statement, but...I'm totally and completely over reality television.  I'm convinced that the Devil and his minions have taken root in my HDTV.  In the past week I've seen people participate in every deadly sin and every Commandment was broken at least twice.  Now I don't profess to be the most religious person, but there's only so much sloth, greed, adultery, and coveting that my heart can take.  That said, whenever I watch most shows, especially the ones with "wives" I feel like committing murders soooo......

5. The world will end soon because the Good Lord doesn't want the kids of today to be the leaders of tomorrow.
Have you ever heard of Ices Brown*? I rest my case.

6. Being an aintshit individual qualifies you to give advice on love and life.
Steve Harvey and Tyrese are best-selling authors these days and their books are not about telling jokes or singing songs.  They are in the self-help category.  Four marriages, a few mistresses, a bullshit Wendell Williams interview, and at least one domestic violence arrest between them.  Just marinate on that for a moment.

7. The people who create the menus at Denny's are employed by Ghadafi (or maybe Castro).
Now I like a crispy piece of pork deliciousness as much as the next person.  In fact, I'm not ashamed to say that Oscar Mayer thick cut applewood smoked bacon gives me immense amounts of joy.  But anybody that tries to accelerate the death of the American people via high cholesterol with shit like "Baconalia" can't be for us.  At all.  I don't give a damn what you say.

8. Male aintshitness is genetic.
I don't care what folks say aintshitness is not learned behavior.  I know some guys that ain't been worth a damn sense the day they were born.  I'm not scientist, but I'd venture to say it's attached to the Y chromosome and that it activates at some point after conception but before the balls drop. You might think I'm hating on dudes, but I know for a fact that a child can be as aintshit as a grown man.  For example, The Kid chumped me for damn near a month when he was around 9 months old.  He had me picking him up and carrying his deadweight ass all over the place thinking that he couldn't walk but was actually moving and exploring the daycare like his name is Matthew Henson.  But let me come around and he'd sit down and pretend like he had no use of his lower limbs.  Aintshitness.  At 9 months old.  Eye color, hair color, height, aintshitness: you get them all the same way.

9. The economy has affected hoshit.
After having such an awesome 2010, 2011 ain't turning out so good for the hoes.  New hoes impressed by the previous years returns have saturated the market. Supply is far greater than demand.  Couple that with a recession and you get rappers are tossin' hoes out of front seats into the streets because $150 couldn't seal the deal.  Gloria Allred can't get a jumpoff a book contract, reality show, or record deal.  Chicks are twitter beefing over rappers with a hit and a half.  Times are hard people.  Good, clean ho type fun is no longer where it's at.  I blame The Tea Party. 

Well, that's all I can give you.  Like I said, I have plenty more, but I totally don't want you to think that I'm a loon so I'm going to keep the rest to myself.

Oh, and sorry it took me so long to post something.  Life has been pretty hectic lately.  I'll try to neglect my family and other responsibilities a little more so I can write for you guys on a regular basis.


*Just thought you all should know that Ices Brown is sign #45939348293-344d and #12385485739 that the world is coming to an end.

Random Thoughts: Education Connection

Today's Random Thought is brought to you by the letter E. 

It was inspired by this commercial that I've been seeing for the past several months.  I know you all have seen this  before.  Every time I see it I giggle.  Because Kelly, really thinks she's jamming.  All while dressed like she works in Mel's Diner and serving up a platter full of ketchup and mustard.  And because the little ditty she's singing sounds like it was produced by Soulja Boy.  It's like a high school level Conjunction Junction.  How dreadful.




It's actually kind of insulting that the person in charge of creating this foolishness really thinks that this little girl posing as the long lost white member of The Sugar Hill Gang doing some low budget karoke will make people want to learn.  Well, it's insulting to me.  I'm sure there where thousands of people watching this at the same time that I was that said, "Damn! Now THAT'S a good idea!!"

The dehumanization (is that a word?) of education really makes me sad.  You go to this website, fill out a questionnaire, and be matched to the online program that is right for you.  It's like eHarmony and Match.com, but instead of an MRS you get a BS or MD.  I'm sure it's a good way to go for some but...I would want to do more to personalize my education experience than choosing a cute wallpaper design for my profile. 

I think some people are missing out on some of the best parts of going farther than living room for school.  This new way to learn is killing the real-world skills of our youth.  All they know how to do know is poke, tag, inbox, and IM.  If any of them had to actually socialize with people in person they would probably piss their pants.

Remember when people actually visited schools to see what they had to offer?  When the performance of the basketball and/or football team was a factor in your choice?  When getting back to your dorm room from the local watering required you to use all the physics, algebra, and geometry you had learned during the week?  When you had to actually look your professor in the eye to lie to him about why you didn't have your paper completed on time?

Shit is different.

I blame MySpace.

Random Thoughts: Body Art

Brandy's new tattoo

I believe I want another tattoo.  I already have 3 and I detest 2 of them. So I'm not sure why I want to do this again.  Maybe it's all the pics of the icy ice cream cone on Gucci Mane's face that has me thinking these thoughts. Maybe I need something that will distract me from the foolishness that I already have until I can gather enough sponsors to pay for their removal.  Or it could be that I just saw a picture of Brandy's new wrist tat.  She allegedly said that it was inspired by Monica.  Hmmm....I don't know about you, but there is nothing about Monica that makes me think about elephants or penis.  But, whatever explanation works for her totally works for me.

I know you're saying that both of those tattoos should make me run for the hills instead of towards my local ink spot, but the hideousness of these tats have shown me which way not to go.  I now know that I should steer clear of any art that depicts or resembles desserts, genitalia, and any creature from the animal kingdom. That should be easy enough.  I planned on keeping it simple.  Only letters and numbers of the English and Roman variety.  Using other languages can get you in a world of trouble.  You think you have the Chinese symbol for patience and it really says "For a good time call Trixie".  So no, unless I get an official Rosetta Stone translation I'll be keeping to it languages I can read and speak conversationally.  I just have no idea where to put it. I've narrowed it down to the top of my foot or the inside of my wrist.  Maybe I'll do both.  That way I can have a distraction for each crap tattoo that I have.  We'll see.  

Nothing Left To Say

I remember when I was obsessed with Lil Kim.  I freely admit it.  I don't care that you judge me for it.  I Stan'd for the broad.  I knew every single word to every single song.  Hell, "Big Mama Thang" was my theme song in 1997.  I saw absolutely nothing wrong with dancing around my dorm room while playing Kimberly (because that's what I called her 'cause she was my friend in my head) blasted and sang about everything from Prada bags to blowing every R&B singer on the charts.  I didn't see nothing wrong at all.
 Nope, I liked her so much that I stuck with her through Notorious K.I.M, La Bella Mafia, The Naked Truth, and Ms. GOAT. 

I totally agreed that she was the greatest of all time.  Well, at least the greatest to ever drop hoe prose on wax.  She still is.  But somewhere, something happened.  I don't think we can blame it on the jail time.  This process started a little before that.  In my opinion, it was when she posed in people magazine with Bert & Ernie brows while holding a box that she claimed held Biggie's ashes. *side-eye* That's when shit started rolling downhill for her.  And somehow during this downhill shit storm Kimberly figured out a way to change her genetic make-up, because I looked up the other day and the heffa was an octaroon!!  Or at least some kind of creole like Beyonce' and em.  She went from the girl that EVERYBODY had hanging on the back of their door (or at the head of your bed) to the white woman nobody really wants to look directly in the eyes.  How on Earth did this happen?  Blue eyes, blonde hair, high cheek bones, and a pointy nose? Say word Kimberly?  This is what you're on? Whatever.


What's was so wrong with this?

 

No ma'am!!





I won't say this is unacceptable, because it's her own damn head she's cutting on.  I just wish she was a little more subtle with it.  Like are the cheeks really necessary?  Did she have to go with breast that could feed a village full of famished infants? But, alas, there's never been anything subtle about Kimberly.  She does everything big and way over the top.  I wonder if this is some kind of Napoleon complex? It could also explain why she needs to get at Nicki Minaj.  Which is foolish.  But I talked about that like 3 entries ago. 

 Ah well, I think it's safe to say that my obsession with her is officially over.  The things about her that I loved the most, are the things that creep me the hell out now. *pressing play* There's nothing left to say....





Left Behind

A conversation with friends inspired the following post.  We were discussing things that we would leave behind in this decade and the things that we would keep.  In my opinion, the things left behind was the most interesting part of the topic for me, because that’s the one that required the most thought.   So many things have happened in the past 10 years that there are plenty of things to choose from.  During 2000-2010 I learned a lot about the world and the people in it.  Most of the lessons I’ve learned will be with me for the rest of my life.  Probably because most of them I learned due to some kind of trauma or tragedy.  So yeah, I’ll be damn glad to see this decade go away.  And I’m damn glad to be venting about the things that need to be left behind, never to be heard from again.

I guess the easiest thing to do would be to just leave everything.  To just start with a clean slate in 2011.  Now, I know that’s not realistic.  At least not with me, I swear when Erykah Badu wrote “Bag Lady” she was talking about me.  When I decide to hold on to some shit, I get a hold tight and I don’t let go.  Maybe it’s because I’m a Cancer, and am naturally super emotional.  Who knows?  Which just now led to a random thought: wouldn’t that be an awesome TLC show? Emotional Hoarders…hmmmmmm.  Anyway, instead of talking about the things that I share with my therapist, because I believe that violates HIPPA; let’s talk about the things that I would leave behind.

First and foremost, I would leave behind the wars currently being fought in Afghanistan and Iraq.  I’m all about peace.  And I honestly don’t understand what we are fighting these wars for.  I get that we are fighting against terrorism, but it seems like we are fighting against the wrong people.  I mean it’s possible that I’m missing something.  But are we really fighting 2 wars because we are trying to find one man?  The fact that this dude can’t be located really puzzles me.  We can find ANYBODY. And by anybody I mean anybody.  We have the technological ability to find the exact location to the centimeter of a wanted person who makes the mistake of farting in a high wind at noon on an off day, but not an aging 7 foot tall Middle Eastern man with bad kidneys and a bad attitude?  I’m not well versed on these things, but for some reason I’m thinking that that particular variety of man is probably pretty rare.  Anyway, I say leave the wars behind.  Let’s spend that money on fighting battles on domestic soil.  Like homelessness, healthcare, and equal opportunities for all.  Yes, that was very bleeding heart liberal of me.  So what?  I have my soft and pink moments on occasion.

I would definitely leave “Wives” shows behind.  I’m not sure when reality television became the only type of television that sells.  But why on Earth are these chicks considered entertaining?  These women are horrible.  All of them.  None of them are relatable.  They all have bad attitudes.  And how many of them are actually wives? Seriously, I can tell you exactly how an episode of Basketball Wives is going to go.  Scene 1: they all sit around a table drinking and trying to look pretty. Scene 2: All hell breaks loose at the dinner after one of them decides to call another one out for talking about her behind her back to another back stabber that she’s not mad at…yet.  Scene 3: Somebody gets a drink thrown in their face. End Scene.  Football Wives is no better.  All of the women seem extra miserable and unhappy.  And even though all of them are actually married, I’m not sure a couple of them are actually women.  I don’t care what any of you say, some of those chicks are going to have to show me a uterine ultrasound for me to actually believe that she’s currently working with the parts that she was born with.  And I totally cannot forget the Housewives franchise.  Every single heffa on every single show is out of her rabbit ass mind.  Every single damn one.  If you can name one normal one from ANY of the shows please let me know, because I haven’t been able to identify a sane brain on any season.  It all started with those touched Orange County crazies and it’s gotten progressively worse with every new area code that they add to the franchise.  They are filled with nothing but money, messiness, and misery.  At first it was entertaining but now it’s just sad.  So yeah, let’s go ahead and leave these types of shows behind.

I think it goes without saying that this piss poor economy that we are dealing with should be left behind.  The recession sucks! I want the days of affordable housing, cheap gas, and buying nice handbags and shoes without guilt back.  I want everyone to be able to enjoy the goodness that is purchasing things that make them tingle and smile.  If I ruled the world that would be a constitutional right, the right to purchase tingle worthy greatness whenever you damn well please.  Something has to be done to right this ship.  And hopefully it will be done in 2011, because I’m voting that the recession be over as of 11:59 p.m. on December 31.

If nobody minds, I’d also like to leave Moscato, Muscahtoe, Moscatuh, Moosekatoe, and all of the other variations of that damn wine in the dust.  I’m super sick of people saying that this is all that they drink like is some fine shit that been in somebody’s wine cellar collecting dust since 1947 just waiting on a special occasion.  You can buy the shit in Walgreen’s for like $5 a bottle.  I think it might even come in a box with a spout.  It’s just ridiculous that all these folks think they are doing something big because some rapper told them that it was the current drink of choice.  I also say leave it because if the people who are drinking it don’t have sense enough to look at the damn bottle that they are drinking from so that they can spell the shit correctly when they are bragging then it doesn’t need to exist.  Hold up, on second thought, Moscato can stay it’s not the wine’s fault people are stupid.  Let’s leave the morons who can’t spell it even though claim that they are constantly drinking it.

I also propose that female rap beefs be left behind when the decade ends.  That shit is just stupid.  I mean I know that battling on wax has been part of the rap game sense its inception but the chicks these days are absolutely no Real Roxanne or Roxanne Shante'.  I mean seriously, why exactly is Lil Kim firing verbal shots at Nicki Minaj?  Why is Nicki Minaj clapping back?  What does Foxxy Brown have to do with any of it? And who the hell told this heffa Keys that she had the right to say anything about any of ‘em?   What exactly are they angry over?  Whose ass is bigger?  Whose lace-front is lacier? Who has the dopest plastic surgeon?  I can’t take any of these broads seriously.  What I need them all to do is get on a record together and make some money instead of each of them individually thinking they have a monopoly on hoe prose.  The arguing and fighting over nothing needs to stop now before somebody does something stupid and ends up with a (or another) felony.  Foxxy and Kimberly have already seen the inside of federal lock-up I know they don’t wanna end up doing Remy Ma numbers.  So chill ladies.  Put your Louboutin wearing feet up, pour a glass of Moscato, smoke a Kool Mild Unfiltered, and just chill. Damn.

Since we are talking about female rappers and their foolishness, I think this is an appropriate segue for placing my vote for leaving bad lacefront wigs behind in this decade.  I guessing it was Beyonce’ that got all you broads thinking that this form of hair accessory is a good idea.  And honestly, when used correctly it really is.  But that's the problem, some of you aren’t using them correctly.  Some of you are using them all the way wrong.  You have to remember is B is using $50000 wigs made from the virgin hair of Tibetan nuns who haven’t seen daylight or been exposed to the elements since a fortnight after the day they were born.  She has a team of glue clerks that keep her shit tight and right.  She keeps her hair pieces locked up in a hermetically sealed chamber to make sure they can still be used past their expiration date.  Truth is, some of you actually do know who to apply these wigs and make them look like you grew them on your own.  Congratulations.  But the peole I'm talking about are the chicks that try to go the bargain basement route and end up with Elmer’s glue all balled up on their foreheads instead of using proper wig glue.  Or the ones that feel like washing and conditioning the wig is unnecessary because it’s not the hair that grew out of their head and the shit ends up looking like the pet gerbil from Mrs. Ferguson's class tried to mate with it.  Or the ones that have the damn things sitting all askew atop their domes looking like it’s a low budget winter hat.   These are the chicks that have ruined it for all of you. Don't be mad at Tee for this one, be mad at them for mucking up the game so bad that wearing Beverly Johnson and Motown Remi are no longer acceptable in 2011 and beyond. 

Hmmmm,  some of the things I've written above make it seem like I don't really like girls.  No worries people, I'm pro-XX.  I guess because I'm female I just notice the dumb shit that females do more than the dumb shit that guys do.  This is probably because I want to make sure that I avoid doing the dumb shit that would get me lumped into the group of ladies that do dumb shit that gets them noticed by people like me.  I want to make sure that people know that other than fallopian tubes, we have very little in common.  I'm sure that there are plenty of things that guys would like to leave behind when the ball drops this year.  I don't know, maybe being a pannie wearer makes me a little more sensitive to some of the more asinine things that go on in the world.

Wow,  I could really go on all day with this one.  But I'll stop here because I don't want to bore you.  But I don't mind you boring me.  So, tell me what you would leave behind in this decade?  What would you take with you?  I'm sure you all have some interesting things on your mind.  Hell, we might even come up with something to discuss in another post.

If I Ruled The World

Recently a friend and I were chatting via BBM (BlackBerry Messenger for you lames who aren't up on game).   I truly enjoy my BBM conversations with my friends.  They always keep me abreast of all of the things going on in their lives, including foolishness and shenanigans in real time.  Anyway, I was talking to my friend, AquaNette*.  We were talking about all of the things going on on Facebook these days.  I told her, "AquaNette girl, FB is dangerous.  If the wrong person gets a hold of a creative, catchy status they could fuck around and rule the world.  All his/her minions would be cutting and pasting statuses (stati? I'm never sure about the plural of that word) and subliminally sending messages of world domination via social networking.  And don't let them get a hold Twitter.  Hot damn!  Could you imagine millions and millions of your followers retweeting all the platforms of your agenda? Of course Alicia Keys and em couldn't raise a milli for AIDS awareness but that kind of power in the wrong hands could have people donating their last dollar and first born for shit like autograph copies Souljah Boy's Casio keyboard or a chance to give Trey Songs a lap dance.  But anyway, that conversation got me thinking.  What would I do if I had that kind of power?  What would Tee do if she was the Ultimate Ruler of the Universe?  <insert evil laughter here> Honestly, I wouldn't do much.  I'd do just enough to make the world more comfortable for me. 

For example, if I ruled the world, I would outlaw jeggings, leggings, and any manner of spandex clothing that is not meant for wear unless actually working out.  I know you’re asking, “But Tee, why outlaw them, they are soooo comfortable”! Well, I’ll tell you why.  Because some of you broads have taken shit too far.  It’s one thing to dress for comfort, it is something entirely different when the way you dress makes EVERYONE else around you uncomfortable.  I’ve seen far too many misshapen butts and guts in the past year or so for me to conclude that wearing this stuff as acceptable behavior.  And before you say something slick, NO, Tee does not wear these things.  Why? Because I know MY over hangage would look a hot damn jiggly unrestrained mess.  If it looks crazy to me when I’m looking in the mirror at my damn self, why on Earth would I subject anyone to that?  Do you see that people? Do you understand what just happened?  Tee, thinks of others.  Tee understands that sometimes things just aren’t appropriate for anybody.  And like a friend said earlier today, some things just aren’t for EVERY BODY.  Don't get mad at me if this is a major component of your wardrobe.  Be mad at yourself because your grown ass knows that it shouldn’t be.

If I ruled the world, I would outlaw lying.  I have a personal rule: only lie for two reasons 1. To get out of jail 2. To get out of being put in jail.  Other than those two reasons, I can’t really fathom a reason for not telling the truth.  It's just foolish, and I don't understand why people do it.  Like, lying about dumb stuff for people to like you.  Or telling lies to your friends and loved ones to keep from hurting their feelings.  Seriously, what’s the point in that?  Your lie always gets found out and the thing that you were trying to avoid always ends up happening, so save everyone some trouble and either keep your lying ass from around here or tell the damn truth.  I definitely prefer the latter over the former, but some of you can just stay where you are.  See?  I just told the truth!  And it was damn easy.  Truth is: I don't like being around some of you, whether you are truthful people or not.  I know some of you are really into putting on pretenses and stuff like that so living a lie is like second nature to you, but check this out if you will.  Lying takes away options.  And I like having options.  You take away my right to choose and I become a very unhappy camper.  So let’s all try something new.  No lies.  Let folks keep their options.  You never know, they might choose to accept the thing that you think is so heinous that you need to make up some dumb ass story to cover it up.  Or you're right and they are gonna be pissed off like you thought.  But you shouldn’t have done the dumb shit that made you have to lie in the first place so suck it up.  Don’t  be a dumb ass AND a liar.  Neither is welcome in Tee's World.

If I ruled the world I would outlaw all music that sounds like it was produced on the Casio keyboard that I got for Christmas 1986.  This pretty much affects most music being played on the radio currently.  If we get rid of the mediocre music that has infiltrated the airwaves and turned the younger generations into little robots who only react to the sound of formulaic "hip-hop" with tight beats and catchy hooks we would be left with music that makes sense.  The kind of stuff that barely gets any airplay these days.  Can you imagine a world where folks like Talib Kweli, Goapele, and The Roots are more than just critically acclaimed?  I can and I think it would be pretty damn awesome. 

If I ruled the world I would eradicate jump-offs, hoes, scallywags, and guttersnipes.  I mean they all serve their purpose I'm sure but I honestly don't think they are necessary.  Think about it, once their work is done what do they really have left to do?  Monica Lewinsky tried to sale handbags but her jizz stained dress ended up getting more shine.  I think all but one of Tiger's side-pieces are back at the respective Waffle House's that they started in.  Most of them get a little shine I guess.  But their reality is one of shadows and secrecy, so what's the point of them being here?  They don't exist in real life anyway, right? Well, it doesn't matter because they wouldn't exist in my world either. #delete

If I ruled the world I would get rid of super preachers.  Now before you mistake what I'm saying and run with it, understand that I DID NOT say that I would get rid of religion.  I was raised Baptist and if I were to say something like that every good Christian woman in my family would carpool to my house to kick my ass.  I'm saying I'd get rid of preachers like Creflo Dollar, Jamal Bryant, Joel Osteen, Benny Hinn, and Eddie Long.  Why?  Not because I don't agree with their teachings, I'm sure there's truth in there somewhere if you look hard enough.  I would get rid of these dudes because there is only so much that I can take when I look at them.  They are like overstimulating for my brain (and they stimulate the brain only, although I'm sure some of them....I see you JB and EL are interested in stimulating other things).  So anyway, like I was saying, there's only so many 3/4 length suits with clown ties I can deal with.  Only so many lace front wigs. Only so many cans of Dax hair pomade I can allow my offering to go to.  Only so many times I can question whether or not a man named Dollar can be trusted with mine.  [I would also like to amend the list to include Pastor Kearney Thomas and his magic oil/prayer cloths/vials of Jesus' tear drops that he hawks on BET every morning.]  I really don't have the time to sift through all of the things that they do that gets on my nerves.  So they would be out of here!!  Maybe they can offer some righteous words to the guttersnipes so they can get their lives right or something.

If I ruled the world I'd get rid of Oprah.  Not because that heffa irks the hell outta me, but because there can only be one portly black woman at the top of the heap.  And since I'm ruling the world, dammit that's ME! I'll let Gayle stick around because getting rid of them both is just wrong.

Man, I could go on for days with this one.  Like I said, these are just things that would make the universe more comfortable for me if they went away.  So if the day ever comes (and it will because I'm working on a way to get a Disney show.  That's definitely the first step one should take if interested in taking over the world) that Tee is the Super Supreme Leader of The Universe and All Galaxies Hither and Yon, you better hope you're on my team.  If not....well I'll let you imagine all the things that could happen**. <insert evil laugh here>

*name changed to protect the "innocent"
**Lifetime banishment to a place where only Justin Bieber songs play *shudder*

Random Thoughts

Today is not a good day for writing for me.  I'm just not in the mood.  But I've had a couple of random thoughts that I wanted to share.

For instance, has anyone ever noticed that the girls in Dirty Money never have a direct facial shot in videos and what not?  The videos are always gritty and smoky, which I guess goes with the whole "Last Train to Paris" theme, but seriously, even in pictures they always have bangs or something blocking a third of their grills.  Now, I have some ideas on why they powers that be over at Bad Boy do this.  It's nothing new.   Diddy uses fashion (like big glasses, hats and hair) and camera tricks to smudge out the unfortunate facial situations of some of the members of girl groups that he produces.   He make them stand way far back and in the rare instances that the do get an upclose shot, they cut away super quick.  Look at some old Total videos and you'll see exactly what I'm talking about.

I'll go ahead and post the trailer for the new album and a video below.  Check them out and let me know if I'm overexaggerating in the comments.