Straight From The Inbox: Simple Math

My friend Mr. Bigg sent me this. Just thought I'd share. LOL

The Wonderful World of White Folks: Here Comes Honey Boo Boo

I got an email the other day in response to my Removing the Ratchet post. I really didn't think people that I don't know were reading this so I was kind of shocked when I saw it. LOL

Imagine my surprise when I found out that I had offended somebody! *snicker*

I won't be giving this person a name because the email upset me (not really, I'm just being an asshole). It was chock full of bad grammar and misspellings so I'm going to paraphrase what it said:

You always talk about how ratchet black people are and how they always do dumb stuff.  You don't ever say anything about white people.  You mentioned ratchet white people in your blog but you didn't show any pictures or anything like you always do for black people.

I do believe this clown was calling me racist. Or at least trying to make it seem like I don't have love for my people. I can't really be sure because at times it was hard to decipher what language was being used.  My Rosetta Stone was taken to the limit, ya hear me?

Anyway, the idea that I'm racist or don't like my own people is asinine.  I love black people.  I just don't like black people all the time.  And the same things goes for pretty much every other race, color and creed on this planet. You do dumb shit, I'll clown. Period.

I don't discriminate.  Everybody can get it.

Anyway, since I'm not white, it's kind of hard to vividly describe what white people ratchet looks like.  I only know it when I see it.

And wouldn't you know it...I saw a commercial on TLC the other day that set off all of my alarms! I couldn't find the commercial but I did find this:


*blank stare*

I'll be damned.

White folks, y'all are going to have to explain this one to me.  What do you feel when you see this? Does it make you want to take a nosedive off the edge of the Earth? Is there pride? Is there sadness?  Is there a odd urge to crawl into a hole and hope nobody remembers you exist?

I really want to know.

I mean know how I feel whenever I see Ices Brown.  I'm pretty sure you are feeling those same emotions.  But I just want to be sure.

Anyway, there you have it rude emailer who won't be named.  I hope you're satisfied.

For those of you keeping count Honey Boo Boo is sign #564805448054344 that the end is near.

Get your lives right.

Real Life Skills: Removing the Ratchet

So a friend asked me to give a few thoughts on how to remove the ratchet from your life.  At first I didn't know how to approach this subject. But then I realized that getting rid of stuff just isn't that easy for folks. 


That's why they have t.v. shows like Hoarders and Cheaters. People get attached and just keep useless shit around. Even when the useless shit is harmful to you health and your freedom.


In this case, the ratchet is harmful to mental sensibilities and common sense.  These people will have you questioning your sanity and sometimes considering to join in on the reindeer games.


None of that is acceptable.

So here are some easy steps to successfully eliminate the raggedy ass ratchet folk from your life and make sure that you remain an honest, decent citizen of the universe. 

How to DeRatchetize Your Life, by Tee

1. Eliminate all social networking. Surveys show that Facebook and Twitter supply 87.23% of all ratchetness witnessed by by all individuals capable of logging on to the Internet.  And just in case you're some kind of math genius and want to know what happened to the other 12.77% check out Instagram and Tumblr. You'll find all remaining fuckery there.  Simply deactivate your accounts on these sites and you've pretty much successfully eliminated all manners of fuckery from your life.  No more status rants about deadbeat baby daddy's on Mother's Day, no more ass pics taken in a toothpaste spotted bathroom mirror, no more videos from Ices Brown, no more e-beefs with strangers via @'s and inboxes.  Just think about it.  While you do that I'll sit over here and hum some Louie Armstrong...

2. Get emancipated. Every single one of us has a sibling or an uncle or a cousin that you wish you could vote off the island or at least erase the DNA that ties them to you.  This person seems to thrive on all things dramatic and has a life changing crisis every 3rd day.  It seems like you spend half your life bailing them out, loaning them money, and pretending like you give an ounce of a damn about what's going on in their life.  I know you're tired of dealing with that, so this is what you need to do (in no particular order): change your phone number, move out of state, join witness protection, get a new face.  I know all of that seems drastic, but remember this is family, you can't just ignore them like you do regular people.  You can't just say goodbye.  Family never takes that kind of simple shit seriously.  You have to go out with a bang so they know it's real.

3. Start hanging with white people.  Now this one is going to be controversial, but stick with me.  We all know that white folks have their very own patented brand of ridiculousness.  But white folks ratchet and black folks ratchet are two distinctly different things.  One embarrasses you.  The other makes you proud and happy that it's not anybody related to you engaging in the dumb shit.  Why not hang with people who will boost your self confidence and love for self instead of people that make you wanna tuck your head and tip out of the room or jump off a cliff?  *NOTE* If you're white and reading this, start hanging with Mexicans.  Same rules apply.

4. Stop being you. Nine times out of 10 the common denominator to all things ratchet in your life is YOU.  So you are going to have to make some changes.  Like get a close and personal relationship with dictionary and thesaurus. Not everybody understands the gullah gullah island type wack text slang that you speak and write. Let's learn how to spell, enunciate, and form complete sentences. You might want to cover up that tattooed tear with some concealer.  Most employers aren't into hiring folks that advertise that they shanked somebody in lockup. Or how about you stop telling all your business to anyone who will read it and/or listen!! The most ratchet of the ratchet are folks that are always in their bipolar ass flip floppy feelings and feel like they need to subject the masses to that bullshit! All of that to say: take a break from being you for a while.  Pretend to be anybody else.  I guarantee the ratchet quotient in your life with drop to negative numbers.

Well, that's all I have.  Four simple steps to ratchet removal. I hope they help.

I'm pretty sure there are other things you could do, but I'm thinking that if you successfully implement these 4 you won't have to much trouble with life.

And just so you know, ratchet ass tomfoolery is not allowed in Tee's World.  Over here we watch the shenanigans from afar, judge it, laugh at it, and then go home to reflect on ways to keep all of the ratchet people away.

Some would say it's a form of segregation.  They would be right.  The civil rights of the asinine, embarrassing, and stupid don't really matter to the inhabitants of Tee's World.  Think about that when you apply for citizenship. 

These Are A Few of My Un-Favorite Things....

Hello folks.  I took a couple of days off because I haven't been feeling well.  Anyway, you being the dear, dear friends that you are have truly made my days a joy by sending some delightful stuff to my inbox.  Lots of meddlesome questions, some crazy websites, and some youtube foolery.  I'll definitely be figuring out ways to share all of them in the future.  But I've decided to start with some of the letters.  This one is from a friend who always hears me talk about the things that "make my ass itch".
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Dear Tee,

You always talk about keeping a list of things that bother you.  Is that really true?  If it is, could you share? I really want to know what's on it.
A Enquiring Mind


Dear Enquring Mind,

Wow, you really have been paying attention.  But yes, it does exist.  It's not finite, the occupants of the list are constantly changing.  I've never written it down.  I pretty much freestyle like Jigga with this one.  In fact, I don't even list them numerically anymore.  Why?  Well, it's true that some irritants are worse than others, but I still don't put numbers on them because they are just too hard to keep track of because their rankings are constantly changing.  Like if #4 happens to be bothering me at this very moment it becomes #1 and everything else has to shift.  And because I'm constantly being bothered by something it's best that I just list them and not rank them.  Too much math involved otherwise.

So, you're curious about what's actually on the list? That's really funny to me.  Mainly because it's really no secret.  I've probably named everything at some point in the short life of this blog.  Well, no, that's not true.  New shit gets added everyday so that's kind of impossible.  So, yeah, the list is pretty long so I won't bore you with everything.  I'll give you the first 10 that come to mind.  Honestly, we probably have nothing in common when it comes to this kind of thing.  I'm very weird and this list reflects my oddness.  But you wouldn't judge me for that would you?  I know some of you have probably heard me call it the "Big List of Things That Make My Ass Itch" and well, that's really what it is. But that's not really what I call it. In my head it's just a running tally of dumb shit that I see everyday that really, really bothers me.  The name varies depending on my mood.  It's been "The List", "These Mumphucka Right Here!", "I Can't Take This Shit
Seriously" and many, many more.  Right now it's "The Shit List".  So that's what we'll call it today.  Remember these are in no particular order, the numbers are just to make things look nice and tidy.

The Shit List

1. White Shoes. I abhor, hate, loathe, detest white shoes.  There is nothing about a white shoe that is ever attractive.  I don't care how much you pay for a pair they will always look like you got them from the clearance bin at the Dollar General Store.  White shoes suck.  In my lifetime I have only made an exception for wearing white shoes for 3 reasons: my wedding, my sorority, my need to be seen as fresh in the 80s and 90s (K-Swiss and Tretorns only).
2. Waka Flocka Flame/Gucci Man/Soulja Boy. I don't knock the hustle of these guys.  What they do has obviously made them very rich men.  But dammit, not anything that they've had the pleasure of releasing should be considered real music.  You will never hear the jazzed up version of this shit in an elevator or while waiting in a doctor's office like I just heard The Roots "You Got Me". I guess the fact that such wackness could even get one spin, let alone millions on radio when there are so many truly great musicians that aren't getting shine.  Mainly because they won't shuck and jive like these morons.  It's really sad. And I guess that I should say that I know that these three guys are the reason for the demise of music.  I know it's not their fault.  Be we gotta blame somebody.  You don't have to agree.  But who really cares.  This is my list right?
3. BET.  There is nothing special or engaging about this channel anymore. It's pretty much MTV Black.  And that really sucks.  With VH1 Soul and TVOne I pretty much get all the black programming I need.  BET is not necessary anymore. It adds not value to my television viewing time.  I swear every time I watch 106 & Park my IQ drops at least 10 points and I have to spend the next week or so reading encyclopedias, dictionaries, and various other books knowledge to get some of them back. BET sucks.  Can we at least get Teen Summit back? I'd totally watch 106 if Donnie Simpson (in all of his chocolate skinned green-eyed geriatric fineness) was the host. Can we get some news? Call up Jacque Reid and Ed Gordon. Because what's going on right now is an epic fail. And that's before I start talking about the movies and the church plays they insist on showing.
4. Bad weaves/wigs. Look I'm so not against hair accessories.  I think wigs and weaves are awesome when their powers are used for good.  It's the horrible, cheap ones that really get riled up.  I hate to see a beautiful woman with a fly outfit and a lacefront that looks like it has been handed down generation to generation from all the first-born women in her family since the days before slavery.  I really need for people to realize that store bought hair is still hair and should be taken care of like it was grown from your own scalp.  With tender loving care and moisturization.  
5. Kids.  Look I love, love, love my son. I love him with everything in me.  But he belongs to a group of humans that bring me a particular form of disdain that even dumb ass adults can't bring on.  Kids.  Kids irritate me.  So much so that I try to limit my time around groups of them as much as I possibly can.  And by group I totally mean one.  And well any number over zero has me running for Xanax and clear liquor.  Kids talk too much.  They move too much.  They are just too, too much.  I so don't want them around unless they have to be.  I don't do parties, play dates are rare, and trips to places where large groups will congregate don't happen.  Because at those places I usually encounter a particular subgroup of kids that really makes me want to knock folks out:  Bad ass kids (BAKs).  This particular brand of irritant makes me want to fight when they come around.  And no, before you ask, fighting a child is so not a problem for me.  I will trip a kid if they get too close to me while running around like a banshee.  I will push a kid back when they run into me.  I will drop a kid to their knees if they decided they are grown enough to fight back.  And before you get all up in arms call the authorities, you should probably consider doing the same to the BAKs around you.  A good chop to the throat can be life changing.  
6. Perky people. I really don't understand why people have to be so damn upbeat.  That really bothers me.  It's one thing to be in a good mood, but to be so sweet and syrupy is sickening and should really be against the law.  What's the point really?  I know you are trying to make people feel good, but you only end up making people like me dislike you.  A lot.
7. Know-It-Alls. I'm not talking about people who know a lot.  I'm a firm believer in knowing a little something about a lot of different things, that makes for good conversation.  I'm talking about the jabronis who don't know shit but always feel the need teach you a lesson about something they have no understanding of.  To these people I say: Shut. The. F***. Up. You are useless.  Nothing you say is helpful.  Everything you say is an irritant.  Go sit in a corner and read a damn book.
8. Liars.  These should be obvious.  Liars are losers.  Especially ones that tell lies when the truth will do. 
9.  Oprah.  This broad was recently removed from the list but the shenanigans she pulled today with that who family secret thing earned her readmission.  I really don't understand why people are so drawn to this lady.   Look, I know you all are going to call me a hater.  And honestly, I don't give a damn, because in this particular instance you are right.  I'm hating on Oprah.  Hard.  What is it about her?  What makes people go crazy and believe every damn thing that comes out of her mouth? Don't ask me why I don't like her.  I can't rightly say.  But it started somewhere around the airing of The Women of Brewster Place. Or was it the fact that she came on stage that time in some size 0 jeans looking like a bobble-head dragging a Radio Flyer wagon behind her filled with hog maws, fat back, and bags of lard to symbolize her weight loss.  I don't know when it started, but my disdain has grown exponentially over the years.  With the largest peak during the Winfrey vs. Beef Industry trial.  Seriously, she almost single handedly shut the beef industry down. That's too much power for one woman to have. (FYI: When I said that I used my Dad from Everybody Loves Raymond as a police officer in Malcolm X voice.)
10. Local News. Local news irritates me because they never seem to report anything of substance, especially on the morning shows.  When I wake up I want to know about what went on in the world while I was sleeping not about puppies who found warmth and nourishment at the teat of a award winning pig.  Or how we ranked at #2 on the list of "The Ugliest Cities in the Country". I want hard hitting drama and intrigue.  That's why I stick with Brian Williams.  He gets me where I need to be. Yes indeed.

So, that's my list as it stands at this moment.  It could change at any time, because I'm easily annoyed.  In fact, I just thought of three things to add to the list while I was typing that sentence.  Anyway, thanks for your interest.  I'm not sure why you cared enough to ask, but I'm glad I could be of service.

Signed,
Tee

Know Your Role

Dear Tee,

Why do whores, hoes, skanks, gutta sluts....whatev...why do they not accept their roles? Why do they believe they are more than what they really are even if it is clear that they are simply side lines or jump offs? Answer me this Tee.

Queen Bee

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Dear Queen,

Look girlfriend, if it were up to me none of the types of broads that you mentioned in your question would exist.  If I ruled the world, I would make them disappear! Not  the Tony Soprano kind of disappear but like banished to a remote island or cave disappear.  I ain’t that crazy.  Alas, since I am not Supreme Ruler of The Universe and All Galaxies Hither and Yon, I can’t get rid of them.   However, since there’s obviously a use for them and because 2008-2010 have appeared to be the first few years in what I've been calling “The Era of the Jump-Off”, I figure I can probably get some kind of answer together for you.

First of all we need to separate regular whores from the group, because at least these bitches get compensated for their flat backing.  There’s obviously a market for them because they stay out looking for dates.  They are like the postal service of sexual favors: neither rain, sleet, nor snow can stop them.  Plus I’m sure the threat of a beat down for being out of pocket from Pimpin’ Ken, Ponytail, or Sugar Foot keeps them on the stroll.  Anyway, my point is there’s a distinct difference between whoring as a career choice and just being a home wrecking hoe.  And since we are in a recession, I’m giving the regular whores a pass.

Now let’s see what we can come up with regarding the others.  I won’t say that I hate them, because I don’t.  I just don’t respect them.  Now, I’m quite sure some of you out there reading this are members of  this particular group of scallywags and you are probably going to take offense to what I’m about to say.  So I feel like this is the appropriate time for me to tell you that I don’t give a shit about your feelings.  You made this bed (or messed around in it as it were) so lay in it.  And keep still, I know you ain’t used to using a bed for other than colossal hoe shit but gimme a few minutes and you can get back to what you were doing.   As I was saying, I don’t respect them, for a myriad of reasons.  Mainly because I think it takes a special kind of low self-esteem and lack of self-worth to fuck around with a person that you know is already in a relationship.  And low-self esteemers (LSEs) are pretty much tops on the list of things that make my ass itch. 

Some of you hoes will say that you do what you do because he pays your bills, or takes you shopping, or because YOU are soooo much better/smarter/prettier than his girlfriend/fiancé/wife.  There are plenty of excuses that you could use but that's not the real, real reason.  The real reason you do it is simply because you ain’t shit.  And because you ain’t shit, it's really easy for you to accept the fact that the person that you are fucking with ain’t shit either.  And your combined level of aintshitness leads to you thinking dumb shit like you are going to be together forever if you just do everything he likes, or the opposite of his girl, or whatever.  But just think about what you are doing.  Think about how this behavior makes you look.  What does it say about you that you are fine with being second or third or whatever on his list of priorities?  What does it say about you that you don't mind being a secret? What does it say about you that you only get a few hours of time that you mostly spend face down ass up, a sext, or a phone call is quality time? You have accepted a person who is a liar and a cheater, a selfish jerk who has no regard for his GF/SO/wife (and likely you) with open arms for exactly who he is because he lets you pop tags at Dots or some shit.  Well, I hope he can afford to let you pop tags, because if you are going through all this for a broke motherfucker then dammit you just can’t be helped.  Now, I know you are saying “well Tee, if you can say that about me, then what does that say about the woman that stays with him”? Well, it actually says a lot and in my opinion some of it is not all good, but since this question isn’t about her we aren’t going to go there.  You can hit the inbox with the question and I can give you response then.

Anyway, now that I’ve got that off my chest I can get to the actual response to the question, Queen.   I think the main reason these breezies don’t accept their roles is because they are not completely clear on what their role is.  I can only surmise that some of them may be under the assumption that they are more than just a cum dumpster.  The cheating asshole in question (I apologize if I’ve called somebody’s man an asshole, I’m sure you think he’s a very nice guy...) has probably sold her all kinds of dreams and lies to make her feel important.  He’s told her he loves her (or maybe just likes her a lot or that she's a cool gal, to most LSEs these mean the same thing).  He’s bought her nice things (or maybe promised her that he would, with most LSEs a promise is all that’s needed).  He probably even took her to Ruby Tuesday’s or Applebee’s for a nice romantic meal.  Thus, she feels like it’s okay to bring her mangy ass from out of the shadows of secrecy and shame in order to announce her existence.  The dummy usually does this by playing on your phone, sending dead flowers to your job, or boiling your kids pet bunny. 

So I guess, it’s not entirely her fault.  Ole boy should be better at telling his strange to stay in her lane.  She makes him feel all manly and shit and he makes her feel like she’s actually worth something.  He’s made her think that she’s someone important and that she really adds value to his life.  Truthfully, in some ways she probably does.  Cause let me tell you, nobody is better at stroking an ego than an guttersnipe*.  She’s going to make him feel like he’s the King of the World (which is poppycock because that position is already taken. )**  They are so enthralled by the purposes that they serve for each other that it begins to spill over into real life and wreaks havoc on the lives of both of the dummies involved and many other people who didn’t ask to be included.  And we end up with situations like Elin beating the cowboy shit out of Tiger with a 9-iron, Fantasia trying to off herself by taking twice the legal dose of Children’s Motrin, or in the worst cases Steve McNair getting snuffed out by his mentally ill floozy.

Now, in situations where it has been made clear that the broad is merely around for humping purposes only things get a little trickier.  Somebody inevitably catches feelings and ends up doing dumb shit, like lying about a baby, keying your car, or setting your trash on fire.  This particular strain of LSE is far more bold and unstable than the others.  She must be handled with care.  And by care I mean, dealt with directly by knocking on her door and then taking her monkey ass to the grass.  Okay, I’m not really being serious about beating her up.  Well, maybe in my younger days I would have been but I like freedom so I would never tell anyone to do anything to harm anyone.  Even if the bitch is a menace to society and womankind everywhere. *smile*

So, Queen, I said all of that to say that there’s really nothing we can do about these broads.  Our best line of defense is to be proactive with the person who brings the riff raff into our lives, because you know you wouldn’t deal with any of these bitches in your life if you had a choice.  I’m guessing that they wouldn’t be on your level.  Hell, with a name like Queen, I’m sure very few are.  Anyway, the one that we need to worry about is NOT the trifling broad that is willing to sleep with an unavailable man.  We need to be worrying about the unavailable man who is selfish enough to make himself available and risk his life (in more ways than one) dealing with these broads.  Don’t worry about her staying in her lane.  Worry about him staying in his.  As long as he stays within his boundaries, you probably won't have to worry about the hoes, sluts, scallywags, gutter sluts, and guttersnipes of the world.

Well, I believe that’s all I have to say on this matter.  At least that’s all I have to say today.  I appreciate your submission and I hope that I was able to help you out in some way.

Best Regards,

Tee

*I know you’re wondering how the hell I know so much about these hoes.  Well if you must know, I’ve done extensive research.  I immersed myself in the hoe habitat (for informational purposes only) and came out unscathed with lots of wisdom.  Spending time in the BeBe store, watching Maury Povich baby daddy shows, and being observant during meals during undergrad (shout-out to the Student Center) has not been as colossal a waste of time as some might think.   

**well it is if Kevin Garnett (or Tyrese) is available to stand at my side when I take over the universe.

Dear Mama

Tee,

Could you please talk about mother-in-laws with black soul-less hearts?  The ones that are jealous of you and your relationship with your spouse because they are lonely ass bitches?

THICKNESS
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Dear Thickness,

pause[After that salutation I feel like I should put the obligatory urban "no homo" in this space.]play

First of all, oh my.  There's lots of anger there darlin'.  But I totally get why, so I won't judge.  Now before I can continue with this response I have to let you know that I totally cannot relate to your issue.  My mother-in-law is a sweetheart.  She's a little touched in the head, but who among us isn't?  I don't judge her for her wackiness and she doesn't judge me for mine.

But back to your question.  You are not alone Thickness.  I actually have several friends with this problem.  They are always talking about the mean and outrageous shit that their MILs say or do. The idea of bitchy MILs really perplexes me.  Again, I cannot fathom being mean to someone just because they are boinking my kid.   I mean I really, REALLY love my son.  But any broad that can take him and the bills that he accumulates away is alright with me.  Don't get me wrong, there are certain standards that this broad must meet and uphold.  Not because I don't want her with my baby.  But because I don't want any type of ratchetness associated with my family name.  That shit will get checked at the door. 

But I still don't understand being mean to the boo for no reason at all.  But I do have a theory, you mentioned it earlier.  Here it goes:  they are lonely.  Super simple right?  But this is what it has to be.  Only a chick with no goals, no life, no man, or no friends (or all of the above) would spend her time worrying about the goings on in another woman's home.  She's worried about you and what you and her son are doing because you took away the only thing that she had even a little bit of control over, her child.  Without that she's got nothing. 

You've heard the old addage "misery loves company", right?  Well, I can only guess that a chick with no goals, no life, no man, or no friends (or all of the above) is probably one of the most miserable beings on Earth.  She's just trying to pull you into her dark, murky world of miserable-ness.  Don't fall for it.  As much as you want to drop her with a "People's Elbow", don't! If you react violently, she wins.  If you act crazy, she gets to tell everybody "yeah, I told you Thickness ain't shit.  I told y'all she crazy.  I told y'all my son deserves better."

No Thickness, violence is not what's gonna win this battle.  This is what you do: SMILE.  I know right know you're thinking "WTF? Smile? I'm ready to murk this bitch you talkin' 'bout smiling?" Stay with me, please.  And yes, I said smile.  From this point on, say everything with a smile.  This works for me all the time.  You can say the craziest, off the wall shit but if you say it with a 1000 watt smile on your face and in a normal tone of voice, they don't take any offense.  Maybe because they don't take you seriously.  Which is fine.  You'll still get what you have to say off your chest.  You probably need an example, don't you? Here's one.  Let's say you are cooking pies for Thanksgiving dinner.  MIL is in the kitchen with you tasting and criticizing.  Your conversation goes like this:

MIL: Ummm....Thickness.  I don't know why I let you volunteer for the pies.  Next time, use more cinnamon. Damn.
You: Bitch, you can't be serious.  I've worked all day on these pies and I used my Great Grandmother's recipe.  I know it's bossy.  You are just a hater.  Get out of my kitchen with that bullshit.  *smile*
MIL: What?!?! I know you ain't talking crazy to me like that on the holidays!!!
You:  I'll talk crazy to you ANY day. That's the only shit you seem to understand you brainless scallywag. *smile*
MIL: I refuse to take this shit offa you! I'm gonna tell my son and then I'm leaving!!!
You: *smile*

See how that works?  You didn't yell, you didn't fight.  You said exactly what you needed to say.  She's the one that got so mad that she had to leave.  And THAT is what you wanted anyway.  Hopefully, she'll be so mad that she'll never come back.  Yes, the hubster will probably be upset for a little while that you ran his Mommy away but he'll get over it.  When you're a little older I'll tell you how to make him get over it quick.  ;-o 

So, I hope that little tip works for you.  If not, try not to catch a major charge.  I'm not trying to see you on a episode of Snapped or for them to make your case a special episode on Law & Order.  Good luck!

Tee

Darling Nicki?

Dear Tee,

I recently watched the Nicki Minaj Documentary on MTV and it totally changed my impression of her...Initially, I thought that she was being used as this hyper-sexual gimmick to make millions for the industry. However, she seems to be in full control of her image and her business. I realized that her image is no different than Madonna or GaGa( but their antics are regarded as artistic expression). She is not a replica of lil' Kim; NM rarely mentions sex in a rap(that I've heard). She is actually quite talented and creative. Have you seen the show? What are your thoughts on NM...

TW

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Hello TW,

Yes, I've seen the show.  I actually watched it twice because the first time I missed the beginning.  I'll say this, the show was well done.  She has a super awesome PR squad.  Because they did a lot to humanize her.  Which was good because she's worked so hard at dehumanizing herself with all of the Barbie crap, the multiple personalities, and whatnot. 

It was interesting to see how much hard work she puts into her craft.  Which is something you have to respect her for.  And as a person who has been called a bitch a time or two, I can totally relate to her feelings on being a professional woman in a male dominated industry.  The information about her background was touching and I found myself wanting to BBM her my shoe size.  But even though I was entertained by the show, I can still say that I'm not a fan.  I'm just not that into her.  Why? Because she's STILL Nicki Minaj.  OK, this is the part where I'm going to be called a hater by somebody, somewhere.  I just can't get into her.  I don't "get" her.  I am perplexed by a her image, her accents, her lacefront choices.  Most everything about her image irritates me.  Which distracts me.  Which keeps me from really listening to what she has to say.
 
However, she plays the part of Nicki Minaj well.  And apparently, from the show, that's all it is, a character. Albeit, a nerve wreckin, nails on chalkboard, irritating, slit your wrists with a butter knife type of character.  She still plays the part with with an amount of vigor that can lightweight be respected.  Which is much more than I can say for Kimberly Jones. That heffa is now a caricature of herself.  Which to me is sad.  I used to be a huge fan.  She had so much potential.  I was enamored with her La Perla sets and premium multi-colored yaki.  She was one of the first to put hoe prose to wax and I thoroughly enjoyed that shit.  I don't know what's happened.  Prison?  Losing her main jump-off status with the death of B.I.G.? Babs Bunny taking Puff Daddy's attention for a milisecond?  I don't know. But she definitely needs Nick Minaj's people on her team.  They can teach her how to expolit bad plastic surgery with lots of contouring and padding.  Give her permission to scream "Young Money" on a track.  And of course she gets a song or two with a feature from Drake.  That shit right there is as good as Oprah playing it as her theme song. 

But like I was saying, the Minaj show was entertaining.  And yes, I do see her a bit differently now that I've gotten to know 2 or 3 more of her personalities.  But no, it does not make me wanna stand out in the cold to buy tickets to her next show.  No, I won't be dying any of my prized lacefronts fuschia.  And absolutely no, I won't be pumping my ass cheeks full of carbon monoxide or whatever the hell they use to give her girth.  I may write and ask for her surgeons info though because if they can transfer gut meat to butt meat the well I'm all about that.

Anyway, thank you for your question TW.  If you have any other topics you want to discuss feel free to drop them in the inbox or put it in the comments.  I truly appreciate you giving me the chance to give my insight. 

Tee

J Is For....

OK people here's another question from the inbox.  I'm not quite sure what category this one fits in.  It's not quite love, it's not quite stalkerism.  It is all ridiculous.  You'll see.
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Dear Tee,

I'm at my wits end with this one and I'm hoping you can give me some guidance on where to go with it.  I'm sitting here writing this extremely embarrassed that I'm even in this situation.  But I need your help.  OK so here's the deal, there's this guy that I've recently reconnected with after several years. At first he was pretty cool and we were able to hang out and spend some time together in group settings, like dinners and trips to the club.  But lately he's been doing some really weird stuff like calling at all hours of the night, sending random texts, and making requests that he probably shouldn't since we are not in a relationship.  Also, a few weeks ago he shared some information with an aquaintence of mine that was far from the truth.  It was some really wack attention seeking behavior designed to make people believe we are an item.  I wasn't ever seriously interested in a relationship with him, in fact I thought I was clear that we could be FRIENDS, but if he had even a remote chance, that incident pretty much shut it down.  He's ultimately a nice guy so I don't wanna hurt his feelings, but how do I let him know that I'm not interested in him in "that way" and also that his behavior around my friends was unacceptable?

I'm really looking forward to your thoughts on this situation because I know you'll tell me the right thing to do.  Thanks in advance.

Blondie


Blondie,

First of all, wow.  Since you're going to "the club" I'm going to assume that everyone involved in this situation are grown folks.  Which, honestly, saddens me because this is some shit that I probably went through when I was like 12.  Not that I was fast or anything but...well...anyway, we ain't talking about Tee right now.

Anyway, it appears, my dear that you have encountered what I like to call a jabroni.  Jabroni's walk amongst us disguised as normal people, but underneath their skin is a very irritating, insecure, unappealing individual.  Remember that movie "V"? And how the aliens would unzip their skin and show off their reptilian identities?  That's what jabroni's do.  They let you get close enough to get fooled by their disguise and then BOOM they show you the real them and its all slimy, green, and stinky. 

Now that we've identified what you're up against, and girlfriend trust me, you are up against a formidable opponent.  Because most jabroni's don't know that they are jabroni's.  They've hidden what they are so well that they've even fooled themselves.  Most of them think they are a damn good catch and that any woman should be ecstatic to be seen with him.  So when you try to make him see himself for what he really is he's gonna put up one hell of a fight against it.  Don't be deterred though friend.  I believe I know just what to do and say to rid this pest from your life.  Now keep in mind tact and diplomacy are NOT my strong suits so...

1. Utilize the phrase: "Gimme 50 feet!!!!".  It's appropriate for when a person gets all up on your comfort bubble and you need them to back the hell up.  I mean if a guy doesn't get the picture that you don't wanna be near him from that then, well, he's a jabroni.  But we know that already so you are likely gonna have to be a little more underhanded with your tactics let's try something else...
2. When he approaches you, say nothing.  Stare straight ahead and just blink really slowly.  If someone else approaches you, engage in animated conversation.  When they leave, press mute.  If he doesn't get the point that you don't want to talk to him from that then something is definitely wrong.  Like other than the fact that he's a jabroni.  He may also be borderline intellectual functioning, but we don't want to diagnos him because we don't want to insult our BIF brethren.
3. If you've reached this point then asking for space and the silent treatment did not work.  So you should simply say: "Muhfucka leave me alone!! OMG, I've tried to be nice but your loser ass makes that shit hard.  What the hell is wrong with you? STOP!!".  Personally,  I would have done this at first, but you did ask how to let him off nicely so this should be your last resort.

In addition to these things, also identify him in your contacts as "JABRONI ALERT!! JABRONI ALERT!!", so you know not to answer your phone when he calls.  Make sure you ringback tone for him is "Can't Be Friends".  Or you could forward all calls to voicemail and all texts to trash.  I don't know how to do any of those things on my phone but they seem like good ideas.

If all else fails consider an EPO.  I believe Ted Bundy chose his victims after long nights of drunk texting and apartment complex drive-bys.  You need to take that into consideration.

Thanks for your question Blondie.  I'm sorry that you've ended up in such a situation.  Hopefully, you'll learn from this and be more careful when picking up strays.

Tee

You Say He's Just A Friend...

OK people.  We have another inbox question.  This one deals with relationships.  Now...I'm no expert on this kind of stuff.  I've only been tied down to the same guy for almost 4 decades (slight exageration).  So I can only give insight based on the things that I've seen and experienced while on love lockdown with this dude.  That said I give you Special Request #2!
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Dear Tee,

I have a male bestfriend that I adore! We've been friends for over a decade. We've supported each other thru EVERYTHING(illness/death of parent, bad relationships, job loss, etc. and our best times as well). Every mutual friend that we have swears we are wasting our time with other people, that we have a better relationship than most married couples. Recently, he has made some comments about wanting something more. I'm VERY hesitant to even address the comments for fear of it changing us. I don't want to jeopardize our friendship by crossing the line. Is it EVER safe to date a friend?? I would be devastated if our friendship ended by entertaining a relationship for a limited time!! Would like to know your insightful opinion...

Thanks,
A hesitant heart

Dear A Hesitant Heart,

Before we start I'm gonna tell you that I'm just gonna call you HH.  Too many key strokes in your name.  This is a difficult question because there are so many layers and facets to your relationship with Guy Friend that you will need to address. 

Sounds like you've already made your decision and you just want me to tell you whether or not you've made the right choice.  Well,  I'm not going to do that.  The last time I tried to tell somebody about her choice in a man I got cussed out and I just know the bitch was reaching for a blade.  I've got quick feet though so I was able to thwart her plans at snuffing out my greatness.  Anyway, instead of telling you whether or not you should jump into this relationship, how about we make a list of things to consider before entering a relationship with Guy Friend, from here on out we'll call him Keith*.

Consideration #1: HH, you say that you and Keith have been with each other through thick and thin and it appears that you both know a lot about each other.  Does this include hoe shit?  You know things that you've done with people that you wouldn't tell a soul except your BFF with the promise that if it ever got out you would know the source and react accordingly by slitting his/her throat?  If Keith knows your hoe shit, any of it, think long and hard about making him your boo.  Hoe shit is magnificent fodder for arguments.

Consideration #2: At some point you and Keith are going to spend a long night together.  Now, I don't know you HH and I'm sure may think that this is a grand assumption but dammit it's 2011, that's what grown folks do.  What if at the end of that long night you are sitting in the middle of your bed thinking, "Damn.  I coulda had a V8."  What do you do then? Relationships aren't built on long nights, but it's damn sure the glue that keeps shit together.

Consideration #3: You've seen Keith with his past flames.  How did he treat them? What makes you different? I mean, I'm sure you are a super star diva with high levels of awesomeness, attractivness, and intelligence but still....what makes you different?

In my opinion, every relationship should start as a friendship.  You and Keith have taken care of that part.  The key to making sure the relationship works is staying friends.  I think that's where a lot of couples lose their way, because there a way too many people who don't like the one they are with.

My advice to you, HH, is that you should follow your heart.  If your heart says go for it then do it, if it's telling you to stand down then back the hell up.  I hope that was helpful.  Let me know how it goes.

Tee

*name picked randomly from pool of names of dudes that I know

Special Request #1

Woop! Woop! I got my first topic request! I'm not sure why this excites me so.  I guess knowing that people really care about what's floating around in my head is an upper for me.  I'll be sure to make note of this for future therapy appointments. 

Anyway, this is how it's going to go.  I'm going to respond to all requests as best I can as honestly as I can.  Please remember that these are MY thoughts and opinions and they do not reflect those of anyone that I know or love. 

Today I've decided to respond to the question a la "Dear Abby".  And before you ask, no this is not how the question came to me.  But I'm gonna need for you to not judge my attempts at journalistic greatness.  Please and thanks. 
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Dear Tee,

I hope all is well with you.  I recently had a debate on my FB page about R. Kelly and his foolishness.  I was wondering what your thoughts are on the guy?

Signed,
CHL

Dear CHL,

Greetings!! All is well with me.  Well, that's not true.  My ass is still stinging a little bit from the news that I won't be getting a raise for the next few years.  And I'm recovering from a panic attack because I've just been informed that I have to wear a damn boot on my ankle for the next 4 weeks.  But that's not what we're here to talk about is it? Oh yeah,  R. Kelly. 

Here's the thing.  I don't hate the guy.  I just don't like him.  He's probably a really nice dude.  A nice dude with a proclivity for romancing underaged tang.  But we all have our vices don't we?  I just don't understand how people never even stopped to consider that type of music this guy was putting out.  It's like a musical handbook for underaged loving.  Stay with me for a minute while I provide examples:

1. Born Into the 90's - interesting name for an album...is he talking about folks actually born IN the 90's.
2. Age Ain't Nothin' But a Number - he produced this for Aaliyah...we all know how that turned out.
3. 12 Play - interesting number to use don't you think?

LOL I just tickled myself writing that list.  LMAO Anyway, like I said before, I don't hate the guy.  I'm just not a fan.  I don't understand how a man can be a KNOWN statutory rapist and nobody says anything because he's a "musical genius".  Which I find questionable anyway, especially after that "Trapped in the Closet" ridiculousness. 

However, this is where the story get's interesting CHL. I didn't even realize this until my husband, the awesome, wonderful man that he is pointed it out to me.  I'm a hypocrite.  I STAN for Michael Joseph Jackson (R.I.P.).  I think he's the GOAT.  There is no star, male or female, that is more awesome that him.  I LOVE him, his music, his noses, and his lacefront wigs.  That whole amusement park to lure kids in, calling himself Peter Pan, climbing trees, drinking Jesus juice, and the trial did nothing to deter my love for him.  But apparently, he had a proclivity for little boys.  And I still think he's a musical genious.  So why don't I care for R. Kelly?  Who am I to judge him for what he's done, when I didn't judge MJJ?  What's the difference between their alleged crimes other than the sex of the victims?  And the piss?

This answer is, and this is some pretty deep shit so pay attention: I DON'T KNOW.  I have no idea why I feel like I do about R. Kelly's music.  I just know that everything that he's put out since that video surfaced makes me feel icky.  No way I can feel romantic when all I think about is him singing to one of my 15 year old cousins and trying to get in their draws.  But from this point on I'm going to try not to judge.  Not because I care about how Mr. Kelly will feel about me listening to his music.  But because I don't wanna be called a hypocrite ever again in life.  That shit hurts. LOL

Thank you for your question CHL.  I'm sure I didn't answer it in that rambling manifesto.  But I appreciate you trusting me enough to ask my opinion. :-)

Yours Truly,
Tee

P.S.  My wonderful and awesome husband just spent the past 15 minutes reading off all of the people that R. Kelly has written or produced for, Michael Joseph Jackson was a repeat customer.  Some of the songs are some of my faves.  I've decided to throw in the towel.  So disregard everything I wrote above.  I appreciate your understanding.