Know Your Role

Dear Tee,

Why do whores, hoes, skanks, gutta sluts....whatev...why do they not accept their roles? Why do they believe they are more than what they really are even if it is clear that they are simply side lines or jump offs? Answer me this Tee.

Queen Bee

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Dear Queen,

Look girlfriend, if it were up to me none of the types of broads that you mentioned in your question would exist.  If I ruled the world, I would make them disappear! Not  the Tony Soprano kind of disappear but like banished to a remote island or cave disappear.  I ain’t that crazy.  Alas, since I am not Supreme Ruler of The Universe and All Galaxies Hither and Yon, I can’t get rid of them.   However, since there’s obviously a use for them and because 2008-2010 have appeared to be the first few years in what I've been calling “The Era of the Jump-Off”, I figure I can probably get some kind of answer together for you.

First of all we need to separate regular whores from the group, because at least these bitches get compensated for their flat backing.  There’s obviously a market for them because they stay out looking for dates.  They are like the postal service of sexual favors: neither rain, sleet, nor snow can stop them.  Plus I’m sure the threat of a beat down for being out of pocket from Pimpin’ Ken, Ponytail, or Sugar Foot keeps them on the stroll.  Anyway, my point is there’s a distinct difference between whoring as a career choice and just being a home wrecking hoe.  And since we are in a recession, I’m giving the regular whores a pass.

Now let’s see what we can come up with regarding the others.  I won’t say that I hate them, because I don’t.  I just don’t respect them.  Now, I’m quite sure some of you out there reading this are members of  this particular group of scallywags and you are probably going to take offense to what I’m about to say.  So I feel like this is the appropriate time for me to tell you that I don’t give a shit about your feelings.  You made this bed (or messed around in it as it were) so lay in it.  And keep still, I know you ain’t used to using a bed for other than colossal hoe shit but gimme a few minutes and you can get back to what you were doing.   As I was saying, I don’t respect them, for a myriad of reasons.  Mainly because I think it takes a special kind of low self-esteem and lack of self-worth to fuck around with a person that you know is already in a relationship.  And low-self esteemers (LSEs) are pretty much tops on the list of things that make my ass itch. 

Some of you hoes will say that you do what you do because he pays your bills, or takes you shopping, or because YOU are soooo much better/smarter/prettier than his girlfriend/fiancé/wife.  There are plenty of excuses that you could use but that's not the real, real reason.  The real reason you do it is simply because you ain’t shit.  And because you ain’t shit, it's really easy for you to accept the fact that the person that you are fucking with ain’t shit either.  And your combined level of aintshitness leads to you thinking dumb shit like you are going to be together forever if you just do everything he likes, or the opposite of his girl, or whatever.  But just think about what you are doing.  Think about how this behavior makes you look.  What does it say about you that you are fine with being second or third or whatever on his list of priorities?  What does it say about you that you don't mind being a secret? What does it say about you that you only get a few hours of time that you mostly spend face down ass up, a sext, or a phone call is quality time? You have accepted a person who is a liar and a cheater, a selfish jerk who has no regard for his GF/SO/wife (and likely you) with open arms for exactly who he is because he lets you pop tags at Dots or some shit.  Well, I hope he can afford to let you pop tags, because if you are going through all this for a broke motherfucker then dammit you just can’t be helped.  Now, I know you are saying “well Tee, if you can say that about me, then what does that say about the woman that stays with him”? Well, it actually says a lot and in my opinion some of it is not all good, but since this question isn’t about her we aren’t going to go there.  You can hit the inbox with the question and I can give you response then.

Anyway, now that I’ve got that off my chest I can get to the actual response to the question, Queen.   I think the main reason these breezies don’t accept their roles is because they are not completely clear on what their role is.  I can only surmise that some of them may be under the assumption that they are more than just a cum dumpster.  The cheating asshole in question (I apologize if I’ve called somebody’s man an asshole, I’m sure you think he’s a very nice guy...) has probably sold her all kinds of dreams and lies to make her feel important.  He’s told her he loves her (or maybe just likes her a lot or that she's a cool gal, to most LSEs these mean the same thing).  He’s bought her nice things (or maybe promised her that he would, with most LSEs a promise is all that’s needed).  He probably even took her to Ruby Tuesday’s or Applebee’s for a nice romantic meal.  Thus, she feels like it’s okay to bring her mangy ass from out of the shadows of secrecy and shame in order to announce her existence.  The dummy usually does this by playing on your phone, sending dead flowers to your job, or boiling your kids pet bunny. 

So I guess, it’s not entirely her fault.  Ole boy should be better at telling his strange to stay in her lane.  She makes him feel all manly and shit and he makes her feel like she’s actually worth something.  He’s made her think that she’s someone important and that she really adds value to his life.  Truthfully, in some ways she probably does.  Cause let me tell you, nobody is better at stroking an ego than an guttersnipe*.  She’s going to make him feel like he’s the King of the World (which is poppycock because that position is already taken. )**  They are so enthralled by the purposes that they serve for each other that it begins to spill over into real life and wreaks havoc on the lives of both of the dummies involved and many other people who didn’t ask to be included.  And we end up with situations like Elin beating the cowboy shit out of Tiger with a 9-iron, Fantasia trying to off herself by taking twice the legal dose of Children’s Motrin, or in the worst cases Steve McNair getting snuffed out by his mentally ill floozy.

Now, in situations where it has been made clear that the broad is merely around for humping purposes only things get a little trickier.  Somebody inevitably catches feelings and ends up doing dumb shit, like lying about a baby, keying your car, or setting your trash on fire.  This particular strain of LSE is far more bold and unstable than the others.  She must be handled with care.  And by care I mean, dealt with directly by knocking on her door and then taking her monkey ass to the grass.  Okay, I’m not really being serious about beating her up.  Well, maybe in my younger days I would have been but I like freedom so I would never tell anyone to do anything to harm anyone.  Even if the bitch is a menace to society and womankind everywhere. *smile*

So, Queen, I said all of that to say that there’s really nothing we can do about these broads.  Our best line of defense is to be proactive with the person who brings the riff raff into our lives, because you know you wouldn’t deal with any of these bitches in your life if you had a choice.  I’m guessing that they wouldn’t be on your level.  Hell, with a name like Queen, I’m sure very few are.  Anyway, the one that we need to worry about is NOT the trifling broad that is willing to sleep with an unavailable man.  We need to be worrying about the unavailable man who is selfish enough to make himself available and risk his life (in more ways than one) dealing with these broads.  Don’t worry about her staying in her lane.  Worry about him staying in his.  As long as he stays within his boundaries, you probably won't have to worry about the hoes, sluts, scallywags, gutter sluts, and guttersnipes of the world.

Well, I believe that’s all I have to say on this matter.  At least that’s all I have to say today.  I appreciate your submission and I hope that I was able to help you out in some way.

Best Regards,

Tee

*I know you’re wondering how the hell I know so much about these hoes.  Well if you must know, I’ve done extensive research.  I immersed myself in the hoe habitat (for informational purposes only) and came out unscathed with lots of wisdom.  Spending time in the BeBe store, watching Maury Povich baby daddy shows, and being observant during meals during undergrad (shout-out to the Student Center) has not been as colossal a waste of time as some might think.   

**well it is if Kevin Garnett (or Tyrese) is available to stand at my side when I take over the universe.