Beyond Scared Straight - The Taco Meat Appreciation Episode

So I was minding my own business laughing at lunatics on Facebook when I got a message from my homegirl, The Lovely Lucian.

When I tell you I screamed and hollered?

Ooh Lawd, y'all just gotta watch this shit.


First of all, let us concentrate on how delicately the young white man combed that chest hair please?

Little brother combed that shit like he had nothing but love and respect and tender gratitude for each and every fucking follicle.

*moment of silence for his manhood*

And what about "Hustle Man"? I haven't had so much love for inappropriate damn behavior since Fleece Johnson stole my heart a few years back. 

And let us not forget to mention the deference KJ showed for Mr. Taco Meat when he politely declined his Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday natural hair care shift?

Listen, I know it's been a while since I've been around here, but nothing has moved me as much as this has moved me in a very, very long time.

This is some high class fuckery right here people. Y'all need to savor it. I know I am.

Also, if you're still keeping count. This right here is going to be one of the reasons that the Good Lord slams both feet down on the brakes. Civilization doesn't stand a damn chance.

Ripped from the Headlines: Man Slaps Baby On Plane, After Calling The Kid A Nigger

So the yesterday my homie Money Mike the King of All Goons, sent me this article:
FEBRUARY 15--After demanding that the mother of a crying toddler “shut that nigger baby up,” a male passenger allegedly slapped the 19-month-old across the face as a flight prepared to land in Atlanta last Friday evening, The Smoking Gun has learned.

The shocking February 8 incident aboard Delta Airlines Flight 721 resulted in Joe Rickey Hundley, 60, being charged with simple assault, according to a U.S. District Court affidavit. Hundley, seen at right, is president of an aircraft parts manufacturer headquartered in Hayden, Idaho.

In an interview, Hundley denied striking the toddler or using a racial slur, though he did acknowledge that he “asked the mother to quiet the child.” Hundley, who said he was traveling to Atlanta to visit a hospitalized relative, described himself as “distraught” on the flight, during which he said he consumed a single alcoholic drink.

As detailed by FBI Agent Daron Cheney, Hundley was traveling to Atlanta from Minneapolis in seat 28A on the MD-90 twin-engine jet. He was seated next to Jessica Bennett, who shared seat 28B with her son Jonah.

Bennett, 33, told investigators that the “aircraft was in final descent” to Hartsfield-Jackson International Airport when her child “started to cry due to the altitude change.” Bennett added that she “was trying to get [her son] to stop crying, but he continued.”

At this point, Bennett recalled, Hundley used the racial epithet as he told her to shut the child up. He then allegedly “turned around and slapped” the toddler in the face “with an open hand, which caused the juvenile victim to scream even louder.” The slap, Bennett said, “caused a scratch below [the child’s] right eye.”

After Hundley hit the child, Agent Cheney reported, Bennett received assistance from several other passengers, including Todd Wooten, who was in seat 16C. Wooten told agents that he “heard derogatory language coming from the rear of the aircraft” and got up to investigate. “According to Mr. Wooten,” Cheney noted, “he saw Joe Rickey Hundley strike” the toddler.

Bennett told TSG that she believed Hundley was intoxicated when he boarded the plane, adding that he “reeked of alcohol” and was “stumbling around wasted.” Bennett, who was traveling to a family funeral, said that Hundley drank several double vodkas during the two-hour flight and complained to her that her adopted son, seen at left, was too big to be a “lap baby.” Bennett’s Facebook profile photo shows her holding Jonah when he was a baby.

Hundley was charged this week with simple assault, according to a criminal complaint filed in federal court in Atlanta. If convicted of the misdemeanor count, he faces a maximum of one year in prison.

According to Virginia state court records, Hundley was arrested in 2007 following a fight with his girlfriend. Initially charged with simple assault, carrying a concealed weapon, and public intoxication, Hundley subsequently pleaded guilty to the misdemeanor assault rap. Hundley told TSG that the weapon he allegedly brandished was a wine corkscrew.

(source)

I'm gonna be honest and tell you that I didn't finish the entire article. I blacked out after I read that this motherfucker put his hands on the baby. 

My first thought when I came to?

I wish I may, I wish I might, cut the first clown that tries me tonight. 

I knew in .000035268 seconds what my reaction would have been in this situation. In no uncertain terms, I would have tried to rip that man's heart out through the back of his head.

Some of you may think that this is an overreaction. Judge me if you want. But there are 2 rules that I have that should never, ever, EVER be broken: 1. Don't touch me. 2. Don't touch my child. 

I am a strong believer in personal space. Gimme my 50 feet please and thank you. All violators of #1 will be issued a summons. And by summons I mean cussed all the way out. When it comes to touching my kid though? A summons is no where near punishment enough. 

The punishment for violating rule #2 is corporal. 

I swear to GAWD! I would have jumped on his back like a spider monkey and proceeded to wring all sources of life from his person.

I'm completely certain that the headline would have read: "Mother of Child Who Was Slapped By Geriatric Assclown Brings Whole Damn Plane Down in a Fit of Rage" or something like that. The skies would have been so damn unfriendly.

You wanna see some shit shut down? Put your hand on my kid without my explicit permission.

I'm going to be on you in such an epic Tasmanian Devil like manner that you won't even be able to defend yourself before your ass has been kicked 2 or 3 times. 

You want to hit my seed? No sir. Not acceptable at anytime.  You wanna slap kids and think that everything is all good? Nah, son. We don't play those kind of games.

That's grounds for major clap back. 

The great poet Tupac Shakur once said, "I'm not a killer, put don't push me." This is the kind of mess that would push me all the way over the edge. 

I give zero fucks about how your family is gonna feel at your funeral sir. Touch what's mine and there's gonna be some slow singin' and flower bringin'. Period.

This is another sign that the King Jesus is gassing up his chariot for the Rapture. Ain't no way he's gonna let the world keep spinning when foolishness like this is happening. Ain't no way.

Sing, Sing, Celebrate: Martin Luther King, Jr. and the Ratchet Artists Who Love Him

Today we celebrate the birth of one of the greatest civil rights leaders in our nations history, Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. 

 Many of us will honor his memory by participating in service projects. Others will relax and take advantage of the day off from work. 

Because MLK would say "way to go bro" on the National Mall...

And then there are the other citizens of the universe who will sit at their computers for hours scouring the innanets for pictures and then work diligently trying to tie together, Dr. King, President Obama, Nelson Mandela, Malcolm X, James Brown, Trayvon Martin, and their cousin Day Day. All in the name of the dream.

There will be galas, brunches, parades, and all other manners of celebrations in his honor. Including this soiree put on by the Pensacola Power Circle:

Excuse me for a moment while I close my eyes and wish that this shit ain't here when I open them again.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Damn. Didn't work. Welp, this one gets the blankest of stares and the most epic side-eye a girl can muster.

This is the part of black culture that I hate. My people can always find a way to take something that is respectful and honorable and create the most ratchet shit ever.

Really? We just gonna take a picture of The King and throw some Beats by Dre's on him? What exactly is this for? Are we tryna give the man street cred? 

I wish my mind was feeble, so that I could understand what is really going on. Okay, I'm lying. I'm pretty proud that my mind doesn't work this way. I think it's utterly disrespectful to put some Beats by Dre's on The King. Everybody knows he enjoyed the smooth sound of Thelonious Monk being played on his trusty victrola. 

I just know when folks walk in there will be nothing but the distinctive aroma of weed, sweat, and failure. 

I thought that nothing could get worse than turning the King into a 106 & Park VJ...then I saw this...

MLK bad looking like a bag o'money...

I should have known nothing good would come of it when I saw that the B.O.S.S.N.I.G.G.A.Z. were the one's putting on the function. I mean, I guess it makes sense though seeing as how it's all for Bad Bitch Sunday...

Although, I'm certain that the good Doctor relaxed with a nice glass of Henny every now and again, I'm pretty sure that he would never chill in front of somebody's Nikon flexing with the church offering and one of the members of the Mother Board in her draws. 

Why is this okay? Who approved this shit? I'm just know that there is one of these floating around with the man chilling in a wicker chair with 2 or 3 hoes on his lap or planking on a stack of money in front of a Biggie/Tupac airbrushed backdrop. Because that's what he was all about really. Money, hoes, and equality for all.

Pinky rings, Polo's, and processes...

I don't even have the words... so I'll just show you my reaction...

The people of the world with good common sense would like to request that all of you bootleg computer artists cease and desist. You are making us all look bad. And you are making the Good Lord   reconsider not rebooting the matrix. 

It's Been A Long Time...I Shouldna Left You

The following post is a summary of why I thought the Mayan calendar was right and that shit was gonna get really real for us on December 21.

A few months ago a friend of mine (and I use the word friend loosely) sent me this jewel from a precious little lamb named Trinidad James: 

It took me a full 7-10 business days to realize this shit wasn't a joke. Like this dude is dead damn serious. Rapping about mollies, gold, and niggas. All while looking like he just might be one of the last folks to step off the Underground Railroad.

I just knew that this guy was a sign that the Mayans were right. When he signed a record deal with Def Jam, I went into Doomsday Prepper mode. I hit Safeway shelves for non-perishables, toilet paper, batteries, and bottled water.

Then this happened:

A Tyler Perry movie that I think I want to see. I don't think I have to say anything more. Just know that after this happened, I began watching the sky for locusts and checking to see if the Patapsco River was flowing blood instead of water.

One of my followers sent me a video. It's Ices Brown. I said a little prayer before I pressed play. Then this happened:

First of all...why is this chick so damn greasy? Look like she bobbed for wings and thighs in Precious' bucket of chicken. This purple shirt got her giving all kinds of Grimace realness. And don't even get me started on the fact that she don't even know the words to the dang song!!

When I tell you I got down on my knees and prayed to the Good Lord for help?!? Y'all just don't understand. Ices took me to the edge and I was gonna voluntarily take a swan dive off. I also seriously considered tunneling a bunker under my apartment building. When things like this are happening in the world, you just can't take chances.

But even with all of this calamity, the world didn't end. Sweet Baby Jesus' Daddy said he chooses the hour and the minute that the world's rotations stops. It's gonna be a surprise. But that doesn't mean that y'all can keep letting foolishness happen. We have to stop giving him reasons to push fast forward. 

Let's do better in 2013. Please.

Election 2012: Real Life Foolishness

2012 is an election year. I'm not going to talk about who you should be voting for. I'm not going to discuss whether or not your decision is right or whether it's wrong.  In fact, I'm not going to say much at all.

I'm gonna let this here picture speak for itself. I'm just going tell you that as much as I *heart* ratchetness and tomfoolery, this kind of ignorance is not acceptable.

Word?

Shirts like this let me know that as much as people would like to say that things are different, they really aren't.

SISNS: High Fashion Failure

This past week has been pretty damn awesome for me.

I turned 34.  I stood with one of my besties as she married the love of her life. Tom Phan gave me the pedicure of life.  And the men of Chicago found out that I'm beautiful (I actually plan on traveling the Earth and sharing my beauty with the world, Chi-town was just the first stop on my Share-It-Tee [get it "charity"? don' judge my cleverness.] world tour, dates coming soon).

I'm still recovering from all of that.  I'm experiencing a delightful combination of jet lag, sleep deprivation, and bullshit overload.

Like I said. The weekend was UH-MAZE-ING.

I'm still on a high from it all.  I'm talking smiles, a couple jigs and some jazz hands.

In fact, I wasn't planning on being in a bad mood until at least next Thursday.

All that changed this morning when I logged onto Facebook.  I know, I know.  I set myself up by doing that alone.  My FB newsfeed is where struggle and hard times have a permanent residence.

Anyway, I log on expecting to see some regular run of the mill fuckery.  Well, my aintshit friends certainly didn't let me down.

Look at what I just saw*:

Ma'am? 

And Jesus wept.

I'm officially pissed the hell off.  

Rasputia done went and decided to play Fashion Star and created nothing but epic failure.

Sooooo.....we just making 2 piece sets outta wife beaters now?  Like were there no man made fabric short sets left on the clearance rack at Dot's for this broad?  Where there no skirts in her size on the Rainbow clearance racks?  

What exactly is this kind of ensemble called? Why not wear a tube top down there? Or just walk out in just your Spanx and call it a unitard? Not that either one of those would be better. 

Would wearing a regular ass skirt have been too much trouble?

I mean, I know Juneteenth and July 4th just passed, but you just gonna celebrate by granting your ass and saddle bags freedom through the fuckin armholes of an undershirt in public?

Hanes didn't create the awesome cottony comfort of this tee shirt so that it would be used like this!  I'm certain when they designed it, the thought that the racerback would be used to swath the crack of somebody's ass was never, ever, ever considered. 

No ma'am.

Who cracks open a fresh 3 pack with such dark and dismal thoughts as this? 

Times like these I wish I had the mental capacity to invent a human delete button.  I swuhfogawd I'd erase this heffa off the face of the Earth!

Shit like this is why we are experiencing this damn heatwave.  Y'all can call it global warming if ya want to, but it's just Satan preheating his ovens.  

You better get your lives right and start calling out folks who engage in this kind of chicanery.  You can sit there and pretend like this don't matter, but I'll be damned if I let broads like this drag me down with them.

Nah.  Right now The Good Lord is sitting back and taking notes on which citizens of the universe have no problem with these temps.  I'm gonna sit here with all my fans pointed at me, the AC on arctic, my feet in a bucket of ice, and eating Klondike bars so that there is no confusion when He's handing out backstage passes to the Throne Room.

*Full disclosure: This weekend I personally participated in all types of shenanigans, fuckery, and hoodrat shit. But since no felonies were committed or Commandments were broken (that I can remember) I still have room to judge.

SISNS: No. Just...NO!!!

Jesus be a soft landing....

I thought I'd start of this edition of "Shit I Should Never See" with a gif that pretty much shows everything that happened to me the moment I laid eyes on the picture that is the subject of today's post.  It's one of those things that you feel like if you blink slow enough, it will be gone once you open your eyes.

I'm sure you'll understand once you get a chance to check the shit out for yourself.

Eenie, meenie, miney, NO!! 

This morning I woke up to see the red message light flashing on my cell.  I fell asleep in the middle of an extremely hilarious text conversation with the BFF, so I just knew I was going to wake up to some unprecedented foolishness.

Never could I have ever imagined this epic level of tomfoolery.  Not ever.

I'll tell you right now, this is not the kinda shit you need for a 6 am damn wake up call!

I mean, really? This heffa was comfy enough with her position in the universe to put on (what I assume to be) a onsie! 

Although, due to the placement of the FUPA, I can't really be sure. 

*sigh*

I really can't.  I just can't. 

There's so much  wrong with this!  I'm all for self-esteem and what not, but this is where I draw the line.  You should never love yourself so much that you are willing to subject the rest of the world to looking at you whilst you walking around looking a hot, flaming, surface of of the Sun flaming mess!!

This is not okay!!

Anyone who finds this acceptable has to have a soul filled with darkness, deception, and the woes of the downtrodden. .

How is it okay for her to be walking these streets looking like Rasputia went and got lost in an alternate PBS dimension?

Can the Teletubbies sue her for defamation?

If you move the antennae on her head, will her eyes straighten up?

I guess the really important question would be: WHERE IN THE HELL ARE HER FRIENDS??? 

I can pretty much guarantee that my friends wouldn't allow me to leave my closet looking like this, let alone be seen in pictures or on the streets.  No ma'am.  I'm pretty sure they like me enough to tell me I look the fool.  In fact, I'm almost certain a fight of some sort would break out before I could make out of the front door.  A good girlfriend will knock you clean out in the comfort of your own abode before she lets you embarrass yourself and all of your ancestors by looking like Tinky Winky and 'em's long lost cousin.

That's what friends are for.

Nothing in my day has gone right since I laid eyes on the heffa.  So, I'm respectfully requesting a mulligan.

No way a good law-abiding citizen of the universe like Tee should have to suffer through a bad day because of someone else's piss poor decisions.

For those of you keeping count, this is sign #98739429404 that the Good Lord is pull Earth's rotation back faster than Kid Capri does a record on his turntables.  

Get your life right.  The clock End of Days bomb keeps on ticking...and The Big Guy just trimmed a few feet off of the fuse. 

You Only Live Once...

Greetings!!!

I know it's been a month of Sunday's since I've been around these parts.  I apologize.  I've had a very mean case of writer's block.  Seems like I've been getting it a lot these days.  I mean it's not like there wasn't anything for me to write about.

Rick Santorum called the POTUS a n-word...almost.

Luigi opened his big mouth and said that Trayvon Martin was murdered because of his hoodie...and then gave the worst apology ever.

Two old dudes got it poppin' in a dialysis clinic over a basketball game.

All of that going on and I couldn't put the keystrokes together to write about.  But, you wanna know what did bring my thoughts and opinions out of hibernation?

YOLO. For you geezers and uninformed, that means "You Only Live Once". Now, I'm sure you all have heard this phrase over your lifetime. You probably even used it yourself.  As in, "I really don't want to go out on a date with this guy, but you only live once! Something good might come out of it. *smile*" It's even possible that you said, "I really don't want to go to school across the country.  I don't know anybody out there.  But you only live once! This is a great opportunity! *smile*" Or maybe you said, "I'm scared shitless of heights, but dammit I'm gonna skydive today. You only live once! *smile*" Or maybe you even said, "I'm going to get this tattoo of Rick Flair on my ass. He's the GREATEST! You only live once! *smile*

Most people would say that YOLO is something that you attach to positive things....mostly. It's a decision you make that you wouldn't normally make because you are a safe and cautious law-abiding citizen of this universe.

YOLO is stepping outside of your comfort zone to make some shit happen...mostly.

But this notion has been bastardized. In fact, whatever you once thought that it meant is pretty much in fuckin shambles.

I would like to blame it on Weezy and Drake's frilly asses. I mean, they did write a song that has Generation Z acting a complete damn fool. But I can't.  It's not a bad song.  In fact, I like it.  Drake and Weezy didn't say anything about making an ass of yourself anywhere in that little ditty.  I'm almost positive they didn't want their shit to be the theme song for piss poor decision making.

At this point I usually post pics of the dumb shit. But I don't want this blog here to catch scabies or any other communicable disease from them.  So just Google "YOLO" and hit images and see what you come up with.

On my search I found:

• A young lady engaged in sexual intercourse while eating what appeared to be a plate of hash.
• A creep walking through a crowded club with his peen on display.
• A really skinny dude doing his business on top of what appeared to be the 600 lb. virgin on a public restroom floor.

*Please excuse me while I go fumigate my laptop and take a decontamination shower*

Anyway, I'm not sure how people can take a positive idea like this and just shit all over it in the name of making an excuse for them to be aintshit in public.

It's beyond ridiculous.  

If I know you, PLEASE don't send me anything with the subject line: YOLO if you have anything to do with it.  I'm telling you now, I will judge you.  And then I will talk about you worse than the Mother Board talks about hoes who come to church on Easter wearing short skirts and red lipstick. 

Try me if you want to. 

Also, I've decided to blame this shit on Oprah.  If her ass didn't want to make the world so sunshiney and full of rainbows, we wouldn't have the masses rebelling against it and ending face down ass up on your FB timeline. 

YOLO is sign #456938040682-15c that the world is ending.  No way Baby Jesus is gonna let us keep breathing his sweet air if you all keep this shit up. 

I Don't Even Know What To Call This...

Greetings friends!!! I know, I know.  I've been gone for a minute.  Yes, there's been plenty of foolishness running rampant in these streets.  But honestly not much has moved me enough to write about.

I mean there was Herman "Big Daddy" Cain and all of his Tiger Woods-y foolishness.  ReDICKulous fellated himself and managed to gross out a whole nation of people.  Chrissy molly whopped Kimbella.  Ghadafi got murked.  And then there's the "Frankie Leg".  Every single one of those incidents had me damn near death.  But not one of them made me feel that feeling in the pit of my belly.

That feeling that's kind of like half gas, half anxiety.  The one that makes me feel like I just took a couple spins on a Tilt-O-Whirl after eating 15 funnels cakes.  I haven't felt that feeling since the last time Ices Brown dropped down and got her eagle.

Nope.  I haven't felt that way in a good long while.  Almost forgot what it felt like.  Until I saw this....

Look closely children....this is what a real, live dumb ass looks like.

Okay people.  Look at this good stuff and concentrate real hard.  Maybe you have an answer for the question that I need to ask....

What the entire fuck was this broad thinking?

Now, I've been accused of being a super fan before.  In fact I proudly say that I think that Michael Joseph Jackson (R.I.P.) is the greatest of all times! *Muhammad Ali voice*  But the furthest I ever went to be closer to him was get a greasy ass Jheri curl and a red, pleather jacket with zippers.  No way would I ever get a tattoo of the guys name.  And if I did it surely wouldn't be on my forehead in size 40 Courier New font. 

And it most certainly wouldn't be a tattoo for Drake!! Drake? Like, seriously?  She decides to spend the rest of her days with the softest marshmallow in Hip-Hop's moniker stuck on her forehead?  I can't.

Drake is like the frilliest, softest, pinkest dude there ever was.  I bet if you poke Drake in the tummy, Jelly Belly's would fall out of his ass.  

If you are gonna do something like this, at least pick a guy that's had a murder charge.  Or at least a traffic violation.  Suge Knight comes to mind. Lil' Kim.  Bushwick Bill.  Hell, I'd even rather she picked Lil' Boosie.

But Drake?

Nah son.

I'm certain this dude bathes in only the purest of spring waters infused with the scents of lavender and gardenia.  

But this chick chose him.  The idea of it just makes me cringe.  We are talking about Wheelchair Jimmy people.  If anything get a tramp stamp of his wheels or that little blue tag that hangs from his rear view mirror.  Not a full on brand that makes your dome look like on of those Victoria Secret collegiate shirts. 

That tattoo is nothing but a bullseye.  She may as well have put "Punch Me" on her head instead.  That's pretty much what I want to do.  Punch her right between here eyes, about a 1/2" below that "A".

When All Else Fails...Toss Something

I know it's been a while people.  I apologize, but I've been living that life. Shit got real real in these mean surburban streets and I had to lay low for a while.

Anyways, I need you to check out the following video.  It affirmed a theory that I've had for years.



Look, I'm no fan of piss poor customer service.  When I go out, I want my meals to be prepared exactly the way that I order them.  I like for the food to be delivered to me in a prompt and timely manner.  And I want it to be delicious.  If I get all of these things, I'm sure to reward the server with far more than the 15% he's supposed to get.

But, even if the service isn't stellar.  I won't show my ass in a food joint.  Hell no.  People who handle my food are #1 on my list of folks I won't ever cut or cuss out.  I don't need any foolishness and extra special sauce added to my burger.  No ma'am.  We don't take those kinds of chances with our nourishment.

Kimesa Smith apparently doesn't have that kind of rule.  Kimesa just don't give a shit. 

Kimesa is the girl that we all hate to see out in public.  Loud, unruly, and all types of ignorant. 

I have a hypothesis as to why certain females act this way.  It's their face.  Piss poor behavior correlates to attractiveness.  I know you calling me a hater right now.  But stay with me.

Now, I won't go all scientific on you or pull out charts and graphs, but just think about all the uncute people you know.  Think about the dumb shit they do.  I gaurantee that the more unforturnate the facial situation the higher they score on the dodumbshit meter. 

Kimesa's current score is astronomical.  See?

All of THAT over a freaking Whopper Jr.?

This broad really stood atop a fast food point of sale counter and showed her entire ass...over the swiftness in which a Whopper Jr. was prepared? 

Seriously?

Girl.

You are an irritant.  A rash on the ass of the society. 
  
After watching that video I've decided that the "I tend to use the common sense portion of my brain" reflex is non-existent in this person.  I'm actually sitting here trying to figure out how in the hell she made it out of a scrotum without making a wrong turn at her Mama's ass. 

How does anyone justify this kind of behavior?  When is shit like this ever, EVER okay?

Well people, I'm going to tell you why she thought this shit was okay.

Remember my "you act an ass cuz of your face" theory?

There's a reason why the food took so long.  The guy who mans the grill probably spent some quality time with the girl that strains the grease trying to figure out where the hell that hairline went.  I bet it's been a long ass time since they saw somebody in their spot with full frontal lobe alopecia.  Hell, I ain't seen a case this severe since Susan Taylor stopped flossing her fod in every issue of Essence.

While they were in the kitchen trying to come to some definite conclusions about how to notify the authorities about that follicular abduction...time stood still.  And homegirl went clean the hell off!

I want you all to look at this foolishness and learn a lesson. 
You can't be going into places tossing tables all willy nilly.  You can't expect people to treat you the the way they treat the normal citizens of the world if you are going to go around acting like your ass was raised on Pluto. 

If you do, you will be judged.  People, and by people I mean me, will look at your face, they will look at your behavior, and they will plot that shit on an x-y axis in order to prove random theories that they've made up in their head correct.

I don't know what has to be done to correct this kind of behavior.  But while you are figuring out, I'm going to be working on getting this theory posted in some obscure scientific journal.

I'm trying to be great.  If I can't cure you fools from your tomfoolery and shenanigans, I'll use it as kindling for my shine.

Tattoo Fail of the Millenium NSFW!!!

Dear Friends,

The following tattoo is the WORST I've ever seen in my whole entire life, the life I had before, and the life I'll have after.  I really don't have any words to describe the level of ridiculousness in the following video.  You'll see.  Be forewarned this is NOT safe for work.


(source)

OK let's discuss.

Did you see that shit?  So at first I thought that the tattoo on her back was the problem and I was confused.  I mean it's kind of wack, but not too crazy. 

Then she dropped her draws....

Oh.  Em.  Gee!!!


Seriously?  Does this heffa seriously have her whole twat covered up with a member of the animal kingdom?   And it's not even a regular cat!  Like it could have been a Morris the Cat or Hello Kitty.  Hell, I'd even accept Snagglepuss! At least our favorite ghey kitty walks the town with a song in his heart and a smile on his face. 

Anything is better than the creep show that she's rocking right now.  That is a complete and utter mess. 

If you can get past the fact that she has a cat emblazened across her vulva, I'd like you to take note of the actual artwork.  Do you see those angry eyes?  Those teeth?  I wonder what the hell she was smoking when this bright idea popped in her head?  Probably a delightful meth/crack/paint fume cocktail.  That mess will have you doing all kinds of unsavory shit.  Like tatting a cat on your wahoo.

What I'd really like to know is who in the hell did this to her?  I my mind I imagine that any artist willing to do this kind of shit would have to have had a big ole bowl of Wheaties sprinkled with crack before pulling his tattoo gun out.  You would have to be some kind of high to say "OK" when a broad walks into your shop and says, "I'm looking for guy who can put a cat on my cat...get it?"



Sleepwalkers...classic movie.  Google it.

I hope she got exactly what she envisioned in her mind.  But I'm pretty sure she didn't.  I'm sure in her mind she saw something super sexy.  I believe that angry the cat that she is showing off was supposed to come across dark and sultry.  Like CatWoman or Cheetara. Instead she got a Sleepwalker!!

I don't know about you, but I'd be pissed.

Please believe me when I tell you: If I were a dude, there's absolutely no way I would allow my old friend Mr. Johnson to pay Miss Kitty a visit.  No way in hell.  Not even a quick wave from the porch across the street.  It looks like anything that gets close to that thing will be chewed up like it was in a trash compactor.  No ma'am.  I'm sure there's not a penis in the world that would entertain an angry cat with teeth.

And don't think that I missed those paws coming out of her hips.  She really stepped up the crazy quotient with that.  SMH With the placement of those paws the creepy cat face tattoo becomes the tattoo of the angry cat ripping it's way out of her uterus.  No bueno.

This right here has surpassed any other horrible tattoo I've ever seen in my life.  And I've seen some pretty horrible stuff.  This is worse than that dude that smelled "Bitchs".  It's worse than Gucci Mane's phallic ice cream cone.  It's worse than having a Mighty Duck reside on your left cheek (I see you Yung LA).  I would gladly accept a few more of those over this shit right here. 

Oh and I really love the makeup guys commentary when talking on the phone to someone who I assume is the producer or director of the porn she's trying to be cast for.  I can tell that he totally understands the feelings that I'm feeling right now.  Disgust.  Dismay.  Fear.  Sadness.  All of that is showing on his face.  And right now, it's showing up on mine too.

In a word, this is some bullshit.  Somebody should call shenanigans on this poor misled young lady's life.  She damn sure needs a do-over. 

But I know she wouldn't use it.  She's planning on making it worse.  She's going to pierce herself so it looks like the angry cat has a tongue. *blank stare* She's probably going to inspire a whole generation of dumbasses to anime their genitalia.  All I know is if I see any pictures of a dude with the cast of Dragon Ball Z on his peen I'm calling it quits.  I mean that.  I can't take much more of this kind of foolishness people.  I just can't.

By the way, those high winds you've been feeling weren't being stirred up by El Nino.  That was good Lord shaking his head vigorously while contemplating hitting the reset button on his universal stopwatch.  Get your lives right people.

For those of you keeping count: this is sign #486840306043319999.5 that the world is coming to an end.

SISNS: The Inaugural Edition

The following foolishness has inspired a new blog post category: Shit I Should Never See or SISNS for short.  Now I'm sure you are going to say, "But Tee....most everything on your blog will fit into that category." And you would be correct.  But I've decided to reserve this particular segment for photos of ridiculousness sent to my inbox.  So if you happen to run across some tomfoolery and shenanigans in jpeg form, send it to me and we'll share it with the world. 

For some reason, I'm thinking that it's going to be a whole lot of apocalyptic bullshit in my inbox in the very near future.  You all can try and prove me wrong if you want to.  But I've been in the game a long time.  I know I'm right.

Anyway, I believe that this right here is an awesome way to start off this little social experiment.  I believe you'll agree with me when I say that this right here is some shit that I should never, ever, ever see.  Never in this life or the one beyond.  The following is by far one of the dumbest, most ignorant, shameful things I've witnessed since I hit these innanets way back in the 90s.

*blink blink*

Soooo.....this is what we're doing now people? This is what we are flossin' via our Old Navy v-necks and Forever 21 tees? 

There are so many things wrong with this picture, but how about we start with the most obvious: the fact that somebodies dumb ass can't spell.  Now, I'm no Wiz Khalifa but I have a couple pieces and I know for a fact that the artist asks you about a million times if everything is spelled correctly before they start working.  So how the hell did we get STARRING? Starring.  Seriously ma'am? Starring?  As in "them floppy ass jugs of yours are starring in the worst damn titty tattoo since titties were invented"?

I'm quite sure that you meant STARING.  And since we are on the subject...what exactly are your mammories looking at? Because they are suffering from a classic case of wonkiness dear.  I'm getting all kinds of Cookie Monster vibes.  No bueno.

I also find it hard to believe that you didn't know that folks would be staring at your dumb ass for putting two extra areolas on your titties.  Who wouldn't stare at that shit?  Right now I'm staring at the picture and wondering what the fuck your thought process was when you did this to yourself.  I'm staring at it and praying for our future generations.  I'm staring at it and hoping that no other variations of this colossal tattoo fail exist.  I'm staring and hoping the universe gets a do over.  I'm staring and praying that this doesn't cause a malfunction on God's End of Days stopwatch.

Exactly how much Boone's Farm and meth did your ass have to ingest for you to think that this was ever okay?  There's nothing right about this.  Seriously, even a baby being whose only way of being nourished is being fed from those thangs would give you a strong *side-eye* and WTF before they considered latching on.

This much I know is true: your friends and family don't like you.  If they did we wouldn't be sitting here with me telling your simple ass basic stuff like "never tattoo misspelled words and eyeballs on your bosom".  A real friend would have never cosigned on these kinds of shenanigans.  A real friend would have talked so greasy to you when the idea came up that you would cringe whenever the thought of it entered your brain.  No ma'am.  I hate to break this news to you, but your people might even hate you.  Because anyone with a little bit of love for you wouldn't have taken this picture and posted it on these innanets.  No there can't possibly be any love involved in this right here.  None what-so-ever.  Especially love for self.  This right here should be considered self-mutilation.  People that like themselves don't do this.



Under Dog says:It's for mankind that I shed a tear! And it's because of this shit right here!

I'm sure finding out that your friends hate you was a shocker.  And I really hate to be bearing all this bad news, but you also need to know that nobody was staring at your titties before you got that heinous tattoo.  They aren't even good jugs.  They look like freakin' hound dog ears.  Just laying there all lifeless, mopey, and depressed.  Nobody likes unhappy boobs.  Instead of walking around like you are carrying Under Dog in your top you should perk them shits up.  A good bra, some lotion, some bronzer even.  Then maybe folks will stare at you for reasons other than pity and disbelief. 
Honestly, if I were you, I'd invest in a lifetime supply of turtlenecks, scarves, overalls, ascots, and bibs. That foolishness right there should never in your life see another ray of sunshine.  But I know you are going to keep it on display.  You wouldn't have gotten it if you didn't want people to see.  So I have one request for you: could you tattoo some tears under those eyeballs?  Because you are killing me.

Oh, and for those of you keeping count, this is reason #39583492821354(ii) that the end of the world is near. *sigh*