It's Been A Long Time...I Shouldna Left You

The following post is a summary of why I thought the Mayan calendar was right and that shit was gonna get really real for us on December 21.

A few months ago a friend of mine (and I use the word friend loosely) sent me this jewel from a precious little lamb named Trinidad James: 

It took me a full 7-10 business days to realize this shit wasn't a joke. Like this dude is dead damn serious. Rapping about mollies, gold, and niggas. All while looking like he just might be one of the last folks to step off the Underground Railroad.

I just knew that this guy was a sign that the Mayans were right. When he signed a record deal with Def Jam, I went into Doomsday Prepper mode. I hit Safeway shelves for non-perishables, toilet paper, batteries, and bottled water.

Then this happened:

A Tyler Perry movie that I think I want to see. I don't think I have to say anything more. Just know that after this happened, I began watching the sky for locusts and checking to see if the Patapsco River was flowing blood instead of water.

One of my followers sent me a video. It's Ices Brown. I said a little prayer before I pressed play. Then this happened:

First of all...why is this chick so damn greasy? Look like she bobbed for wings and thighs in Precious' bucket of chicken. This purple shirt got her giving all kinds of Grimace realness. And don't even get me started on the fact that she don't even know the words to the dang song!!

When I tell you I got down on my knees and prayed to the Good Lord for help?!? Y'all just don't understand. Ices took me to the edge and I was gonna voluntarily take a swan dive off. I also seriously considered tunneling a bunker under my apartment building. When things like this are happening in the world, you just can't take chances.

But even with all of this calamity, the world didn't end. Sweet Baby Jesus' Daddy said he chooses the hour and the minute that the world's rotations stops. It's gonna be a surprise. But that doesn't mean that y'all can keep letting foolishness happen. We have to stop giving him reasons to push fast forward. 

Let's do better in 2013. Please.

This Is Your Brain On Drugs - Sponsored by iPhone 5

OK so this foolishness was posted on my FB wall today by TuTu83. I'm not going to spend a whole lot of time on this one because you'll see why I was LMAO in a minute.

I just feel like I need to do my D.A.R.E. representative duty and tell you all that drugs and alcohol are bad for you.  They fry your brain and make you sit in lines for shit that you don't even know about.  They make you share information that nobody cares to know.  They make you give permission to random street reporters to tape your dumb ass and post your interview on line so that millions and millions of the world's citizens can laugh at you.  And you won't remember any of it in the morning.

Jesus be a 12 step program and some solitude for Rachel.  She needs some help for reals.


(source)

Straight From The Inbox: Simple Math

My friend Mr. Bigg sent me this. Just thought I'd share. LOL

Miss Barbara vs. USA: Roy Wood Jr. Prank Call

This an audio of a prank call made a few years ago by comedian Roy Wood, Jr. It  was gifted to me by my friend The Lovely Lucian. It's full of ratchet behavior, verbal abuse, and threats of physical harm.  You know, all of the things that Tee is so universally known for.

Background: Dr. Sidmon Abizo calls Miss Barbara to inform her that her monthly Social Security check will be cut by $250 in order to help Hurrican Katrina victims, gas prices, and some other stuff.  Hilarity ensues.

Get into it.

Conversations with My Son: A Cinematic Experience

Have you ever had a conversation with a child that made you realize that you are no where near as smart as you thought?

That maybe instead of working, you should just go back to school and learn some more shit, because what you know is obviously not enough?

I'm currently having that kind of conversation with The Kid.  We are watching one of his favorite movies Avatar.  I know, I know most people will not think that this is appropriate viewing for an 8 year old.  But...he gets it.

So anyway this is the conversation we are having while watching this long ass movie that I hate.  Well pieces of it because I don't have the strength to write it all.  And also because I've slept through some (most) of it.

The Kid on Online Fuckery
Him: Mama do you know what an avatar is?
Me: Yep, it's something that people use online to identify themselves.
Him: Uh huh. Most people use pictures that don't look like them because they don't want you to know who they really are.

The Kid is on to your Instagram shenanigans folks! Get it together!
********************************************************
The Kid on Shiesty Settlers
Him: Why do they call the planet Pandora?
Me: Well, probably after the myth of Pandora's Box where all of the evils of the where where stored in
the box until some dummy let them out.
Him: Hmmm...No, Mama that's a theory.  People just make up stories to explain things that happen in life like evil, sickness, and bad things like that.
Me: Oh. *but ain't that what I just said though...*
Him: But that theory makes sense.  Those people don't have anything bad happen until the aliens from Earth come and mess everything up and try to steal their natural resources.

Tea Party he's talking to you....
*********************************************************
The Kid on Evil Army Generals
Me: Man that dude has some serious issues.
Him: I know right? He really needs to relax.
Me: Relax? How?
Him: Oh I don't know.  Read a book or watch a movie or take a nap or something.
Me: You think that would help?
Him: Probably not.  He probably needs a wife.  I know that's what you would say, right Mama?
Me: *side eye*

The Kid talks like he knows me or something.
**********************************************************
The Kid on Alien Animals
Him: That cat thing is vicious!!
Me: I know! It's pretty scary.
Him: Yes! It's really territorial. Kind of reminds me of you.
Me: Word?
Him: Yea Mama.
Me: Care to explain?
Him: *blank stare* Is that really necessary? *smirk*

It's officially official. I've raised the snarkiest kid on the planet. If you see any free adoption ads on Craigslist pretend like you don't know me.
************************************************************

Okay, maybe you aren't as impressed as I am.  I get it.  He's not the fruit of your loins.  But I was pretty surprised at how well he grasped some of the themes in the movie that went over some adults (my) head.

Well, that's all I have for today.  Let me sit up and pretend like I've been watching this craptastic nonsense.

Reality Bites: Johnson v. Lozada

Chad Ochocinco nee' Johnson is having the best week ever.

First this happened.

On day 38 of wedded bliss somebody found condoms in the other's car and all hell broke loose.  And Chad decided to use his cerebellum for more than thoughts of stillettos and skinny jeans and gave Eve a shot to the noggin. He was arrested and told by a judge that he couldn't go anywhere near his boo.

Then....this happened.

On day 39 of harmonious matrimony Chad began feeling the fallout of his playing head games. Homeboy got cut by the Miami Dolphins and was left with a part-time reality gig.  It has to suck to be given a pink slip while you are recovering from having to force that county jail peanut butter sandwich and stale Kool-Aid down for dinner.

Until this happened.

On day 40 of this loving union VH1 decided to chuck the deuces at the reality show of him and his betrothed showing the world their undying love for each other. Boop! *NeNe Leakes voice*

And today THIS happened!!

On day 41 Evelyn flipped a table, hurled some Dom P at her assistant and decided that she was over it already.  And by COB she had filed papers to give her ChaddyPoo his name and number back.

So now that you are all caught up on the marital shenanigans of the Ochocinco's, let me ask you this.... Are you really surprised?

Like folks are all up in arms about this one like this wasn't a damn train wreck waiting to happen from the get go!  I mean he's a an attention whore with a women's shoe fetish who's privy to pastel skinny jeans and she's an angry sack chaser with a penchant for tossing dranks issues.

Nothing good can come from that.

41 damn days.

Some people are saying this whole mess is just karma coming back on her for all of her bad ass, loud talking, drink throwing, I-slept-with-your-husband-cuz-you-a-nonmothafuckin' factor BBW behavior.

I guess it's possible.  I mean every time I put bad shit out in the universe, I end up taking a blow to the head.

There's nothing like a TBI to get your mind right.

Others are saying that Evelyn shouldn't have been upset when she found the receipt for condoms. That she knew that Chad was about that philandering life before they said "I do" so she just should have carried it.

I guess that's possible too.  I mean, every time I learned about a boyfriend cheating on me I figured it was something that I did to make me deserve him being an aintshit piece of shit that can't keep his willy in his trousers.

There's nothing like being betrayed by the man that you love to make you gain some perspective on the world.

There are even some that say that Evelyn likely forced Chad into the situation by being verbally abusive.

Look, we all know that Evelyn has a slick mouth on her.  At times her tone alone is enough to make folks want to reach through the flat screen and shake the shit outta her.  And most likely she said some shit that took Chad to another level angry.

That doesn't make what Chad did acceptable on any level though.

Now he's been told by a judge that he can't go near his wife.  He's been told by his job to not show up.  He's been told by his side-hustle thanks but no damn thanks.

I'm sure his girlfriend BFF Terrell Owens is offering all kinds of support and love in his time of need.

Sucks to be him.  Gotta suck to be Evelyn too.

She's got no job. She's got no husband. She's got no television show. AND she's got no BFF because her homie tried to tell her to leave Chad's cheating ass alone.

Look, like I said. I don't condone domestic abuse of any kind. There are so many things that Evelyn and Chad could have done to handle their situation. Like....not get married.

As of Saturday I've been married for 4021 days.  All of those days haven't been easy.  It's quite likely that I've thought of murder and/or other felonious actions on at least 2000 of them.  But I never acted on it.  Well maybe twice, but there was no significant blood shed. So it doesn't count.

Marriage is HARD WORK. I don't think people really realize that.  They see all of the pomp and circumstance of the wedding and never take the time to consider what they are going to do the day after the wedding and the days after that.

Love is not enough.

Y'all better consider compatibility, trust, finances, work ethic, credit score, criminal record, how his/her family looks, and his/her entire genetic make up before you say I do.  It's not a game out here.

I really hope this is the beginning of the end of people allowing the world into their relationships and sharing all of their business on television and the innanets.  If not for all of the publicity I'm sure the 85 family could have figured out a way to work this out.

No relationship will be successful if EVERYBODY has an opportunity to see what's going on and comment.  Not one.

Oh and before I go, I have a small request.  While y'all all are out in these streets worrying about how Adam and Steve are trying to ruin the sanctity of marriage, please do Tee a favor and consider the damage that fools who only stay married for 41 days do to it too.

The Wonderful World of White Folks: Here Comes Honey Boo Boo

I got an email the other day in response to my Removing the Ratchet post. I really didn't think people that I don't know were reading this so I was kind of shocked when I saw it. LOL

Imagine my surprise when I found out that I had offended somebody! *snicker*

I won't be giving this person a name because the email upset me (not really, I'm just being an asshole). It was chock full of bad grammar and misspellings so I'm going to paraphrase what it said:

You always talk about how ratchet black people are and how they always do dumb stuff.  You don't ever say anything about white people.  You mentioned ratchet white people in your blog but you didn't show any pictures or anything like you always do for black people.

I do believe this clown was calling me racist. Or at least trying to make it seem like I don't have love for my people. I can't really be sure because at times it was hard to decipher what language was being used.  My Rosetta Stone was taken to the limit, ya hear me?

Anyway, the idea that I'm racist or don't like my own people is asinine.  I love black people.  I just don't like black people all the time.  And the same things goes for pretty much every other race, color and creed on this planet. You do dumb shit, I'll clown. Period.

I don't discriminate.  Everybody can get it.

Anyway, since I'm not white, it's kind of hard to vividly describe what white people ratchet looks like.  I only know it when I see it.

And wouldn't you know it...I saw a commercial on TLC the other day that set off all of my alarms! I couldn't find the commercial but I did find this:


*blank stare*

I'll be damned.

White folks, y'all are going to have to explain this one to me.  What do you feel when you see this? Does it make you want to take a nosedive off the edge of the Earth? Is there pride? Is there sadness?  Is there a odd urge to crawl into a hole and hope nobody remembers you exist?

I really want to know.

I mean know how I feel whenever I see Ices Brown.  I'm pretty sure you are feeling those same emotions.  But I just want to be sure.

Anyway, there you have it rude emailer who won't be named.  I hope you're satisfied.

For those of you keeping count Honey Boo Boo is sign #564805448054344 that the end is near.

Get your lives right.

Another Lady GaGa Fan...

*sigh* I blame Kidz Bop.
(source)

How Did I Miss This?

Oscar Talk with Mike Tyson & Leonard Maltin from Mike Tyson

I don't really have a comment.  Other than I think this mess is funny.
(source)

Wide World of Sports Presents....

OK so when I saw the title to this video I assumed that it would be chock full of dope fiends shot putting or throwing javelins for a nice chunk of that white.  Boy was I wrong!



That's what I get for making ASSumptions right?  Here I was thinking that crackheads were going to show us their athletic prowess and gazelle like moves.  Don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about.  A crackhead is one of the strongest, fastest creatures on Earth.  Don't front like you've never seen one work the sitting room of a beauty shop or barber shop faster with skilled tactical precision.  Don't sit there and pretend like you've never seen one detail a car, cut your front and back yard, and paint your garage faster than the speed of sound.  Don't act like last seasons wardrobe wasn't supplemented by some clothing from Nordstrom or Macy's that you purchased out a grocery cart.  Shit.

Anyway, like I was saying, here I was thinking that the crackheads were going to be the tossers and it turns out that this clown is the tossee!!! O.M.G.!!!!  Seriously? This grown ass man seriously let another grown ass man pick his ass up and toss him over ------------------------------------------------->there? 

And why did the tossee try to make himself more aerodynamic by sticking his arms out to the side?  But apparently he remembered some shit from his physics classes because he sure enough sailed almost 2 times further than he did when he used the "curl up and protect your ass from the landing" technique.

Oh, and don't think I missed the fact that the winning tosser was missing approximately 1/3 of his choppers.  This leads me to believe that he was actually a crackhead too.  And they were likely tossing the little one to see who he would share his work with.  Look, I know that I'm judging that man for his poor dentition.  He could have lost those teeth in a bar fight or something.  But honestly, who do you know other than a person who's BFF's name is CrackMethHeroin would think that it's acceptable to walk around looking like the Lincoln Tunnel was rerouted through his grill?  Ummm hmmm, that's what I thought.

Damn shame.  This piss poor economy has led even crackheads to stoop to these types creative bartering techniques.  Something has got to give!  But, I have a feeling that things are going to get worse before they get better.  And that probably means that a normal walk down your street will involve a crackhead or two falling from the sky because they are being tossed from rooftops and competing to see which one bounces the highest. 

Possible Tee Shirt Option...

Personally, I'm disappointed.  I wanted to see some real live hood Olympics type shit.  I want to see some sprints.  An obstacle course.  A crackhead go-cart grand prix.  I mean, if you are going to participate in these types of shenanigans you should do it big!!  Pull out the grill and make some change feeding spectators.  Sell t-shirts.  Sell boosted clothing and electronics.  Have a parade, invite Charlie Sheen to be the Grand Marshal.

I mean if homeless folks can have a World Cup, why can't the crackhead have something special to call their own?  Let them be great.  That's all I'm saying.

*sigh*

I'm honestly not too outdone by this video though.  I've definitely seen worse crackhead behavior so I won't be saving this video in the End of Days file. 

[DISCLAIMER] As a former D.A.R.E. representative if feel it's my duty to say that I don't support the use of drugs.  Drugs are bad.  They make you do very dumb shit.  Like willingly be chucked through the air.  By a grown man.  For the entertainment of folk like me.

Shout out to "The Gladiator" for sending this foolishness into my world. 

(source)

What Looks Like Crazy On An Ordinary Day

Charlie Sheen (nee' Carlos Estevez) is a lunatic.  I've been saying it for years.  He has crazy in his eyes.  That said...I think I love him.  I love everything about him.  I love those crazy eyes.  That sallow skin.  That hair.  I am amused by most everything that comes out of his mouth.  I really shouldn't be this entertained by someones mental breakdown. 
I will say this though...I totally believe that he is completely clean and sober right now.  That's why all of his crazy is showing.  He's not dropping shrooms and drinking gallons of Jim Beam to keep those voices at bay.  Now he's pulling a Nicki Minaj and letting all them folks in his head have their damn way!  And I for one totally support it.  Why?  We have a lot of stuff in common.  I mean, I'm no crack addict but I am addicted to a drug called Tee.  Tee is quite addictive, one hit of it will melt your face off and cause your kids to cry over your exploded body. Tee is also a total bitchin' rockstar from Mars. 

I also support this guy because he has some astronomical self-esteem, it just happens to be swarthed and swaddled in a fluffy blanket of cuh-ray-zee.  Also, because some of the shit he's saying actually makes sense to me...which begs the question "Tee, are YOU crazy?" It's likely, but my mental health team hasn't given me any concrete diagnoses yet so let's just focus on Carlos.

In case you missed it, here's some o the gold his been leaving in his wake on the interview circuit lately....

The Today Show



The Alex Jones Show - 02.24.11


Drug addiction cured in a nanosecond? WINNING!!!

The Dan Patrick Show - Part 1


Smoking crack socially is okay when you know what you're doing?

The Dan Patric Show - Part 2


"beer drunks are worse than vodka drunks...vodka drunks are more linear..."

Good Morning America 02.28.11

And if you can't access videos from where you are sitting right now, you might want to check out Live The Sheen Dream, some genuis has compiled all of my favorite Sheen quotes in one place.  It's already in my favorites.  So is this one, they are calling it Tiger Blood World Tour 2011.  Or play Ghaddafi vs. Sheen and see which insane narcissist really rules the universe. 

Lord knows I shouldn't get so much pleasure from this fool.  I should be praying for his health and well being, instead I'm hoping he let some ridiculousness loose on the airwaves last night while I was sleeping.  And I know I'm not the only one.

So, I'll just sit here and wait.  And hopefully the Rapture won't come until everything on Carlos' agenda is marked complete.

Willow as Annie...

I don't know if I've ever told you all this, but I live for musicals.  I love the whole idea them.  The idea of walking through the streets and bursting into song just gives me life.  The fact that there is always a song to sing that will explain your situation or get you out of trouble moves me in a way that most other things don't.  I can sit down on a Saturday with "Chicago", "The Wizard of Oz", "Westside Story", "Dreamgirls", episodes of "Glee", some kettle corn and an ice cold Pepsi and be so very happy.

So imagine my surprise when I was surfing the innanets and came across a story saying that Willow Smith will star in a remake of the classic musical "Annie" (another one of my faves).  Apparently, this will be produced by her dad, Will Smith and scored by Jay-Z.  Interesting.  In my opinion, they should leave this one alone.  Every movie is not remake-able.  There are some characters that are so iconic that any deviation from them is just dumb.  This is one of those instances.  You see, Annie is a homely little white girl with a horrible red afro, poor fashion sense, and a sunny disposition that makes FDR and Daddy Warbucks want to sing about rainbows and shit at the top of their lungs.  I don't care how talented you people think little Willow is, she could never pull that off. 

Now, I know the Smith kids are some talented little boogers.  And I know that their parents are really into them getting a jump start on padding their 401Ks and shit.  I'm not here to knock that.  Hell, if they don't give a shit about child labor laws and whatnot then why should I?

All I'm saying is that they should leave well enough alone.  Many people have tried to remake this particular movie and failed.  Let's leave Annie and her fiesty band of orphan friends in the 1982 version of awesomeness.  There is no reason for the movie to be urbanized, updated, or changed in any way.  They did it to "The Wizard of Oz with "The Wiz".  And we see how well that went.  It made like $5.17 at the box office.  Now don't get me wrong.  I'll be the first to admit that I think that that movie is greatness.  But not many people feel the same way that I do. Nobody saw it when it was released.  Nobody saw it, because nobody wanted to see it.  And nobody wanted to see it because nobody wanted to see a middle-aged Diana Ross as Dorothy.  Even though they tried to change it up and make her a 25 year from Harlem.  It didn't matter.  Judy Garland is Dorothy. Period.  And this is how I feel about Annie.  Leave it alone and let Willow get her shine with an original.

But I know it's already a done deal so my complaints will fall on deaf ears.  And since I don't really want to waste any effort complaining about something that is inevitable, how about I help out with some casting?  I know Willow is a girl of the future and her friends list probably looks like a Benetton ad, but I've decided to go with an all black cast if you don't mind.

Miss Hanigan - Gayle King (with Oprah's permission of course). She looks like she would play a drunk well.  And if we can't get Oprah to sign the permission slip Plan B should be Mo'Nique.  She could just act like she did when she was Precious' mama. 
Rooster - I pick Diddy. He seems like he has a decent understanding of underhanded business practices and would probably do an awesome job playing a crook.
Lily (Rooster's girlfriend) - Megan Goode.  I can't give a reason for this one. She just seems like she'd be perfect.
Daddy Warbucks - This was difficult. I think I'm going to go with Denzel Washington.  Mainly because he's older and would totally be believable as a rich, businessman who opens his heart and home to a rambunctious orphan.  Plus, I'm sure there are plenty of people walking around that wouldn't mind calling that man Daddy.  But the Smith's are totally going to keep the checks in the family and go with Will.  But honestly, that's a pretty good pick too.
Grace - Daddy Warbucks' secretary/boo.  I'm thinking Gabrielle Union on this one.  Again, I can't explain why.  It just makes sense in my head.

Punjab - I say we go to the executive producer Jay-Z for this one.  And no, not because Will already has a part and it would only be fair to include him too.  I picked him because he looks JUST like the actor that played Punjab in the original.  And I guess if Jay doesn't feel comfy in front of the camera we can always ask Andre Leon Tally.  Because he looks like Jay Z and Punjab too.  Especially when he rocks his turban.  See?



The resemblance is uncanny...



ALT and his turban