Open Letter: Dear Drake

Drake,

Hold up, before I start I'm gonna need some music to set the mood.

Okay, where was I?

Look, I've been trying to avoid writing this letter for a long time.  I mean my disdain for you is pretty well known in Tee's World.  The fact that I think your insides are made of strawberry Pop Tart filling is no secret.  However, my opinion of you was based solely on your musical selections.  Not on who you are as a "man".

But all of that changed this morning.  Why?  Because I logged onto my computer and the first thing that pops up is that you took a wine bottle and mollywhopped the cowboy shit outta Chris Brown.

Imagine that.  You are in a club full of half nekkid broads with your boys but your frilly ass felt the need to bitch up and toss a bottle dude? So Breezy and his body guard end up leaking fluids and your pink pannie wearing ass ends up in the ladies room wringing your hands and hiding behind the toilet in the big stall.

All that over some island poon that ain't hardly considering the likes of your satin slipper wearing ass.

Only a man who wears extra smedium Spanx under his jeggings would think that this kind of behavior is acceptable.

There's no way a dude with fully functioning balls would ever go to these lengths over a woman his never had a real relationship with. No sir, only a man who has testes full of marshmallow fluff would do such a thing.

You let your slip show son.

This kind of behavior is NEVER acceptable.

Real men flip tables.  They engage in hand to hand fisticuffs and the occasional Greco-Roman wrestling move.  They sweep legs and throw vicious right hooks. They certainly don't send perfectly good bottles of liquor flying through the air all willy nilly.  Hell, I don't know of any woman in her right mind that would waste good drank.  Especially on the likes of Chris Brown.

I have some questions that I'm hoping you can answer.

Since you appear to have never gotten over it, I need you to tell me exactly what Rihanna's twat is lined with? I imagine that it's gilded with precious stones and metals.

When she opens her legs do pink hearts, yellow moons, orange stars, green clovers pop out?  Do all of Heaven's angels hit their dougie?  I need to know.  She obviously has some righteous vagina.  I mean you out in these streets committing felonies and class C misdemeanors.  There are very few women on this Earth who can say they have felonious pussy.  The kind that makes even the weakest man (you) feel strong enough to do dumb shit.

What did you say as you were tossing that bottle?  I'm certain is was some soft and pink shit like "nah nah nah boo boo I tossed a bottle at you" or some other weak ass Canadian prose.

Did you let out a squeal when you saw all the blood?

You don't have to answer that.  I'm certain you did.

When you ended up in tornado position behind the toilet in the ladies room, did you cry? Or just whine like you did on "Marvin's Room"?

Will this fiasco end up on a song? And if that's the case how will you feel if CB attempts to body you on the remix like Common did?

Look homie, I don't know how you are going to live this one down.  I'm pretty certain that the good citizens of the universe won't let this one die.  I know I won't. You'll be hearing about this from me until the Good Lord waves the red flag on us all.

Peace.

Tee

Open Letter: Face the Facts

Dear Black People:

I'm writing this letter to express my concern about the ridiculous amounts of piss poor plastic surgery (PPPS) and facial tattoos that have surfaced over the past few years.  I believe my post on Lil' Kim is what set my radar for it afire, because in the short time since writing it my visual cortex has been inundated with PPPS and body art tomfoolery.  I'm not against plastic surgery.  In fact, I'm all for it.  But there comes a time when nippin and tucking are NOT a good thing.  That's what I'm here to write to you about.  

Look, I've been trying to avoid this for a while now.  Because it's really not my business what people do to themselves.  But in just the past calendar week, I've encountered some things that require intervention.  I'm not talking about a good tummy tuck or Mommy makeover people.  I'm talking about nose jobs that make you look like your notstrils have been welded shut, lip implants that make you look like you need an Epi pen and some ice, or facelifts that make you look like blinking will make your forehead rip like Dollar Store toilet tissue.  I'm talking about people using their faces as a canvas to display inexplicable artwork.  None of this makes sense to me and I'm writing this letter to ask all guilty parties to STOP.  Stop this shit right now.  We saw how this turned out for my love MJJ and he was the King.  Do you really think that you will fare better?

Anyway, like I said, this is an intervention.  It's time that we shut shit down with some tough love.  So, I'm calling out names. 



Brrr?

 Can we please start with Gucci Mane? I mean, I know that he's had some alleged mental issues lately but, um, an ice cream cone on your cheek bone? There are sooooo many different things wrong with this.  Like for instance, the fact that it's a fuckin' ice cream cone.  I know of broads with this same tattoo on their right labia.  This ain't the hotness for a dude, ever.  I don't care how icy you are.  I'm holding up a mirror right now Gucci.  Look at yourself.  I need for you to explain to me how that shit could ever be great?  What you should have done was have a mechanical engineer create some kind of automatic lip balm applicator to stave off the dry, crackedness that is your damn lips.  Your ass looks like you been standing outside on a very, very cold and windy day eating powdered donuts and cake flour.  Nobody's facial center should be that dehydrated.  Let's fix THAT before we do any other damage to your facial situation.  Please and thanks.

OK, who's next? Let's go with Sole'.  Why does her top lip look like it got slammed in the top of a rollaway desk? And before you ask, I know what kind of swell an antique like that can cause.  My right pinky finger is crooked as hell because of one.  Anyway, what exactly do you think made her look in the mirror and say "that shit right there is TIGHT"? Because, if it were me and my lip, I'd be in my bed in some kind of deep dark depression afraid for anyone in civilization to see me.  I'm going to need for her to wrap some of that hair around her face hijab style until the swelling goes down. 

He can't be serious...

And I know you all of have seen that damn Jermaine Jackson walking around.  What the hell is really up with this guy? I mean, we know he already has a faulty decision making gene: 1)he married the bosses daughter, 2)he cheated on the bosses daughter, 3)he messed around with his brothers wife, 4)he had kids with his brother's wife, and 5) he quit the Jackson 5.  Not a good track record at all.  So I guess we shouldn't be suprised that he walks around looking like he styles his hair with a mixture of black shoe polish, rubber cement, and Blue Magic hair grease.  We shouldn't be suprised that he looks like he moisturizes with a delightful mixture of paraffin wax and WD-40.  Now that I think about it, other than Janet's boobs, none of the Jacksons have great plastic surgery.  I don't know who they think they are fooling with that obviously non-genetic pinched by wire pliers nose.  Maybe they got a family discount of some sort?  I don't know, but what I DO know that that this guy right here should know better.  Because life has he knows it right now has him looking like a California Raisin.

I'm not going to pick an obvious one like Lil' Kim.  That's only because I picked on her a couple of days ago.  That doesn't mean she's not on my PPPS list, this just mean that we won't discuss that bullshit ass Mac Tonight chin she's rocking these days.  Hold up, I guess I did talk about her.  Damn, I really didn't mean to.  So let's move on.

Lil' Wayne.  You have one of the most unfortunate facial situations in music, so I can't really understand why you felt like you should draw attention to it with tears and shit.  Don't that mean you murdered somebody on lockdown anyway?  Wouldn't that mean you're false flaggin' (See? Tee's gangsta! Don't let the burbs fool ya! ;-)), because you got that way before you served your bid.  I'm just saying.  There's nothing we can do about it now.  It definitely doesn't detract from your musical abilities like say, a paper bag with wholes for the eyes would sooo......just don't do that shit again. 

Vivica A. Fox.  Girlfriend, I was with you until the swelling went down.  Oh me oh damn my.  Exactly how do you blink?  I definitely file you under unnecessary upkeep because you were perfectly fine before.

Last one, and this one has been vexing me for years.  Pepa. Oh. Em. Gee.  One of the worst nose jobs ever.  I'm thinking she should have gotten a broadshoulderplasty or something of that nature.  She totally messed her face up.  She was cute in an around-the-way tranny type of way.  I'm just not sure what is going on with it now, but nothing else needs to happen.


Please don't think that I'm just picking on black people.  I'm so not, I'm an equal opportunity hater.  I know that there are plenty of white folks and others walking around looking a hot damn mess about the face (see Joan Rivers, Lara Flynn Boyle, Mickey Rourke), that might be a post for another day.  Today, I'm talking about my people.  I'm calling for this intervention because these people need to stop going to doctors with hacksaws and start going to surgeon's who use their powers for good.  See Kelly Rowland, Nicki Minaj (her nose, not her ass), Halle Berry, and Patti LaBelle for reference please. 

Keep this shit up folks and you are going to end up looking like this:  



The Cat Lady - Jocelyn Wildenstein

Not. The. Hotness.  

Signed,

Tee