Beyond Scared Straight - The Taco Meat Appreciation Episode

So I was minding my own business laughing at lunatics on Facebook when I got a message from my homegirl, The Lovely Lucian.

When I tell you I screamed and hollered?

Ooh Lawd, y'all just gotta watch this shit.


First of all, let us concentrate on how delicately the young white man combed that chest hair please?

Little brother combed that shit like he had nothing but love and respect and tender gratitude for each and every fucking follicle.

*moment of silence for his manhood*

And what about "Hustle Man"? I haven't had so much love for inappropriate damn behavior since Fleece Johnson stole my heart a few years back. 

And let us not forget to mention the deference KJ showed for Mr. Taco Meat when he politely declined his Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday natural hair care shift?

Listen, I know it's been a while since I've been around here, but nothing has moved me as much as this has moved me in a very, very long time.

This is some high class fuckery right here people. Y'all need to savor it. I know I am.

Also, if you're still keeping count. This right here is going to be one of the reasons that the Good Lord slams both feet down on the brakes. Civilization doesn't stand a damn chance.

It's Been A Long Time...I Shouldna Left You

The following post is a summary of why I thought the Mayan calendar was right and that shit was gonna get really real for us on December 21.

A few months ago a friend of mine (and I use the word friend loosely) sent me this jewel from a precious little lamb named Trinidad James: 

It took me a full 7-10 business days to realize this shit wasn't a joke. Like this dude is dead damn serious. Rapping about mollies, gold, and niggas. All while looking like he just might be one of the last folks to step off the Underground Railroad.

I just knew that this guy was a sign that the Mayans were right. When he signed a record deal with Def Jam, I went into Doomsday Prepper mode. I hit Safeway shelves for non-perishables, toilet paper, batteries, and bottled water.

Then this happened:

A Tyler Perry movie that I think I want to see. I don't think I have to say anything more. Just know that after this happened, I began watching the sky for locusts and checking to see if the Patapsco River was flowing blood instead of water.

One of my followers sent me a video. It's Ices Brown. I said a little prayer before I pressed play. Then this happened:

First of all...why is this chick so damn greasy? Look like she bobbed for wings and thighs in Precious' bucket of chicken. This purple shirt got her giving all kinds of Grimace realness. And don't even get me started on the fact that she don't even know the words to the dang song!!

When I tell you I got down on my knees and prayed to the Good Lord for help?!? Y'all just don't understand. Ices took me to the edge and I was gonna voluntarily take a swan dive off. I also seriously considered tunneling a bunker under my apartment building. When things like this are happening in the world, you just can't take chances.

But even with all of this calamity, the world didn't end. Sweet Baby Jesus' Daddy said he chooses the hour and the minute that the world's rotations stops. It's gonna be a surprise. But that doesn't mean that y'all can keep letting foolishness happen. We have to stop giving him reasons to push fast forward. 

Let's do better in 2013. Please.

Miss Barbara vs. USA: Roy Wood Jr. Prank Call

This an audio of a prank call made a few years ago by comedian Roy Wood, Jr. It  was gifted to me by my friend The Lovely Lucian. It's full of ratchet behavior, verbal abuse, and threats of physical harm.  You know, all of the things that Tee is so universally known for.

Background: Dr. Sidmon Abizo calls Miss Barbara to inform her that her monthly Social Security check will be cut by $250 in order to help Hurrican Katrina victims, gas prices, and some other stuff.  Hilarity ensues.

Get into it.

The Wonderful World of White Folks: Here Comes Honey Boo Boo

I got an email the other day in response to my Removing the Ratchet post. I really didn't think people that I don't know were reading this so I was kind of shocked when I saw it. LOL

Imagine my surprise when I found out that I had offended somebody! *snicker*

I won't be giving this person a name because the email upset me (not really, I'm just being an asshole). It was chock full of bad grammar and misspellings so I'm going to paraphrase what it said:

You always talk about how ratchet black people are and how they always do dumb stuff.  You don't ever say anything about white people.  You mentioned ratchet white people in your blog but you didn't show any pictures or anything like you always do for black people.

I do believe this clown was calling me racist. Or at least trying to make it seem like I don't have love for my people. I can't really be sure because at times it was hard to decipher what language was being used.  My Rosetta Stone was taken to the limit, ya hear me?

Anyway, the idea that I'm racist or don't like my own people is asinine.  I love black people.  I just don't like black people all the time.  And the same things goes for pretty much every other race, color and creed on this planet. You do dumb shit, I'll clown. Period.

I don't discriminate.  Everybody can get it.

Anyway, since I'm not white, it's kind of hard to vividly describe what white people ratchet looks like.  I only know it when I see it.

And wouldn't you know it...I saw a commercial on TLC the other day that set off all of my alarms! I couldn't find the commercial but I did find this:


*blank stare*

I'll be damned.

White folks, y'all are going to have to explain this one to me.  What do you feel when you see this? Does it make you want to take a nosedive off the edge of the Earth? Is there pride? Is there sadness?  Is there a odd urge to crawl into a hole and hope nobody remembers you exist?

I really want to know.

I mean know how I feel whenever I see Ices Brown.  I'm pretty sure you are feeling those same emotions.  But I just want to be sure.

Anyway, there you have it rude emailer who won't be named.  I hope you're satisfied.

For those of you keeping count Honey Boo Boo is sign #564805448054344 that the end is near.

Get your lives right.

YouTube Shenanigans: Who Run What?

The original version of this video has probably caused more seizures than Mary Hart's voice in the 80's. 

But this shit right here?  I'll bet this months shoe budget that somewhere in the world somebody is experiencing more side effects from this shit than anybody ever had from Phen Fen and lead paint.


(source)

Yo....if I was Beyonce I would be super pissed right now.  She rocked her ass in her video.  I'm talking better moves than Turbo AND Boogaloo Shrimp.  Anybody that can make the Stanky Leg look that sexy is just.....a boss.  I'll give her that and I'm not even a fan.

I'm sure when Beyonce wrote this song she wanted women to feel powerful.  She wanted us to feel like we could take on anything.  Well, I'm here to tell you that some people got that message and straight twisted the message and took advantage of the community service that Mrs. Knowles-Carter was putting down.

Like Ices.  Ices damn Brown.  In her quest to empower herself this heffa insists on posting videos exhibiting her total disregard for all things sensical and rhythmic on these innanets. 

I'm not sure who keeps sending this broad requesteses but Imma need for you clowns to cease and desist.  Because Ices don't need no power.  Ices needs to have a damn seat.  A whole damn row of them. 

And before you go and call me a hater, let me tell you that NO I don't hate Ices Brown.  At least not yet, but honestly her videos are putting her really close to Oprah on my list of people to evict from the universe.

Anyway as I was saying, as of this moment, I don't hate her.  I simply hate what she does.

I hate that she gets in front of webcams and shakes her jelly on a 4 beat delay.  I hate that she's wearing those leggings.  I hate that she has to constantly pull them up.  I hate that she took this ridiculousness outside in nature and all the woodland creatures in her neighborhood had to be subjected it.  I hate that she can't read.  I hate that she says "requesteses".  I hate that her parents haven't yoked her up and ended her on air shenanigans. 

Hold up.  You know what?  Fuck it.  I DO hate Ices.  I hate everything that she stands for.  And you know what else?  I'm blaming Oprah for this. 

YouTube Shenanigans: Father's Day PSA

Today is Father's Day.

All around the country people will be honoring their fathers with greeting cards, cookouts, neck ties, and 3 packs of underwear. They'll be thanking fathers for teaching us life lessons that prevent people from maiming, mauling, and devouring us like they do the weakest of the herd. Showing our appreciation for instilling in us how to use our God given common sense.

My father taught me and my siblings all kinds of stuff. Because of my father I know how to landscape a lawn, tie a sailor's knot, make a 4 course meal for 6 on a $25 budget, and take a person who is 3 times bigger than me down with 3 well placed punches.

One of the most important lessons that we ever learned was "Don't make me look like a damn fool out in public".  For most of you that may be pretty straight forward and simple and for that trip, however long it was, you were on your best behavior.  But for Daddy, in addition to that it also meant: "Don't embarrass me and your mother by getting caught out there doing dumb shit".

Every time I power up my Dell, I am reminded that all children are not taught this lesson.

For example:



Oh. OK.
So, just so we are clear. Homegirls vagina ain't handicap. I'm glad she let us know. Because whenever I see folks riding big on their Hoveround's and shit that's the FIRST thing I think is "I wonder what that vagina do?" Ain't nothing like a little paraplegia to get those juices flowing. Nah mean?

Did she really say she got the coldest coochie AND the hottest parking spots though? And what about "like my momma said eat your vegetables"?

I can't. I just fucking can't. I don't give a shit if she's in a wheelchair, walking on stilts, or literally has two damn left feet and has to walk around on her elbows. Nothing about this is acceptable.  Like do you know how bad life would be for me if I made a video talking about I can't move my knees but I can take it all day?

Nah, my father taught me well. I don't get caught on tape doing shit that will make him want to 1-2 step on my dome. No thanks.

You guys out there have to father your children.  You have to teach them how to move out here in these streets.  You have to show your daughters that ridiculous acts of thirst and desperation are not the way to go.   Tell your sons that tatting a warlock on his face is not the best way to get attention.

I'd like to take this opportunity to thank all of the fathers that care about the way that the world sees you.  The one's who spend quality time with their kids and make sure that they aren't posting shit on these innanets that make people think that YOU are crazy for raising such a mucked up kid. 

Thank you for being a life-sized delete button on some of these piss poor ideas your kids saw fit to try and share with the world.  I appreciate you.

YouTube Shenanigans: Life Imitates...Something...

Every now and again some white folks will get together and do a remake of a hit song recorded by some black artist. Then they post it on YouTube and the version is so awesome that black folks can't help but to shower them with praise, forward the video billions of times, and hurdle them into the coolness stratosphere.

It happened earlier this week with this group called Karmin. They have gone viral due to their uber Caucasian cover of Chris Brown's remix to "Look At Me Now".

 

I know the innanets are loving these guys, but I'm just not that into them. 

Not because they don't have talent.  It's obvious that they do. It's just everytime I see this video and especially after seeing their performance on Ellen this afternoon,  I see this:



And I can't take them seriously.

YouTube Foolishness: That's Crack...Not a Blarney Stone

I meant to post this yesterday, but I was on some other stuff and fell asleep before the street lights came on.  A post I saw on my FB newsfeed reminded me though.
 
It's a day late, but you'll get over it once you check out this oldie but goodie.  Real live Irish foolishness in the middle of the hood. 

Things about this video that KILL.ME.DEAD:

1. "I want dat gold!!"
2. The leprechaun flute.  Passed down from from his Irish ancestors. Hilarious.
3. "It could be a crackhead dat got aholt of the wrong stuff!!!"
4. That damn eyewitness sketch!!! Lawd hammercy it brings me to tears err time!

Thanks to the homie ReaLM for bringing this one back!!!

  

Robert's Rules Doesn't Cover This...

The following is a video shot during a session of the Romanian Parliment.  The man on the balcony is a father whose disabled child lost disability benefits.  He did not die.  He merely cracked up his face and needed reconstructive surgery.

I saw this clip last night when I was watching the 10 o'clock news and I want you to know that I laughed at it.  Hard. Over and over and over again.  I was so amused by it that I sought it out on YouTube and when I found it I laughed some more.  Before you judge me understand that I did not laugh because I revel in this man's pain.  No friends, I laughed because the shit is funny.  Plain and simple.  Sometimes life hands you lemons and it makes you do dumb shit that nobody in the world understands.  Sometimes it's so dumb that it's hilarious.  In my opinion, and I don't get paid for my opinions so take it for what it's worth, this is one of the funniest things I've seen in about...3 days.  You don't have to agree, but I ask you to check this video out before you judge me too hard.



This was not a suicide attempt.  This was a damn cry for help.  One man's personal protest.  And even it it were a suicide attempt, from the looks of things this kind of thing happens in the Romanian Parliment all the time.  Now, I don't speak Romanian (or whatever language Romanian's speak) but from this footage it looks it took a couple of those politicians 10 whole seconds to give a shit about the man trying to fly without wings. 

I think it's admirable that this guy felt so strongly about losing his kids check that he felt the need to take a swan dive into a sea of damn mahogany desks.  But, this could have been handled in so many different ways.  What ever happened to picket lines and picket signs?  What ever happened to writing an angry letter?  Look, I'm all for being down for a cause.  For getting all up in arms because I've been wronged in some way.  But there is nothing that I feel strongly enough about that will make toss myself off the top of anything.  I'm careful as hell rolling out of my bed, no way I'm going to climb on top of something with intentions to harm myself ON PURPOSE, just to prove a point.  And exactly what point what this guy trying to prove?  His child no longer has disability benefits, so he's going to crack every damn bone in his face in an attempt to show people how bad an idea it was to take the benefits away? He disabled himself to show how disabiling not having disability is? I'm totally freaking confused right now. 

I can't even take him seriously right now.  And it's obvious that some of the folks in the Romanian Parliment didn't either.  They were looking at him like, "Why are you wasting our time with this foolishness sir"?  I swear I saw one dude check the time on his watch, shake his head all exasperated and say "Fuck, I'm gonna be late for my mani/pedi!" He was super pissed about it too.  I know you don't believe me.  Look for it. 

Anyway, I'm done talking about this guy. I sincerely hope he gets the help that he needs.  And by help, I mean a series of 72-hour holds in a facility specifically designed to cater to the needs of the mentally imbalanced and deficient.  SMH

YouTube Shenanigans: Holiday Edition

Okay, Lawd knows I loves me some Antoine Dodson.  He had me from the moment he warned me about somebody raping errbody up in the LP (Lincoln Park PJs for y'all under informed individuals).  I rocked the "Bed Intruder" song like it was something off of Billboard's Top 100 and when I tell you that I played this right here over and over and over and over again...I'm totally NOT exaggerating.  I'm like the President and CEO of Antoine Dodson Fan Club, LLC.  I even contemplated coming off of my 20 plus year Halloween ban just so I could wear his costume.  I swear I *heart* him. His silky Dominican blow out, the way he smack his lips when he talks, that little shake of the head that does when he's giving attitude.  Oh me oh my.  I'm his biggest fan.  But sometimes, even a stan like me knows when shit has gone too far.  Sometimes, a superfan has to pump the brakes and say, "Antoine...WTF?"

That's where I'm at right now.  At first I tried to blame the fact that I was perturbed by the following video on my grinchiness.  But no, no friends. That's not it.  Mr. Dodson has officially swerved out of the foolishness lane that we've been cruising in together and is now traveling on the road to ridiculousness.  It's a one way street people and homeboy is driving in the wrong damn direction.  Check this shit out:

Look.  I know we are in a recession.  I know he's trying to get his folks out of the LP.  But dammit let's not make a mockery of some shit that was so delightful that just the thought of it made me smile and giggle.  There's only so many times that making fun of yourself is funny.  Then after a while, it just becomes sad and creepy.  You're getting dangerously close to creepy Antoine.  Please come back to this side of the street and chill with me.  I'll be easy to find. 
I'll be the lady wearing this and an orthopedic boot. 

YouTube Shenanigans

I hate local news.  I like for my news to be reported by someone who sounds like they should be DJing the Quiet Storm from 10-2. Someone like Brian Williams, yes indeed.  That man sure knows how to report some devastation.  His delivery is so smooth you almost forget that he's talking about war, recession, or serial killers.  But back to local news.  I hate it.  Especially, the morning shows.  The anchors are all perky and 4 Loco'd up.  It's irritating.  Plus they always report about dumb shit like the mating habits of some squirrels outside some old broads back door.  It's ridiculous.  I really should stop watching but I like to be informed about what's going on in the world and my neighborhood so I don't turn over and check out Dragon Ball Z Kai, even though I should.  And this morning I'm so glad I did not because I was blessed to see such an awesome display of tomfoolery at a T.J. Maxx store that I couldn't believe my eyes.  I had to go searching for the story on YouTube and hot dammit, I found it!!!

Get into this ridiculousness people:


I have no words for this shit.  I'm seriously sitting here trying to figure out the logistics of hiding boots and shit under your titty.  I know titties come in all sizes and stuff, but damn.  How large do your mammories have to be to hide BOOTS people?

How does a plan like this even come up in conversation?  My friends and I have been known to discuss our boobs.  But never have we ever mentioned how much contraband we can carry in our cups.  And then there's the fact that they are hauling merchandise up under their guts and arm meat. What the fuck?

Can you imagine how that conversation went?  I can.  In my mind they were sitting on the couch at Schmeco's house watching Maury Povich while waiting on the timer for their Pillsbury Cinnamon Rolls to ding.  The converation goes something like this:

Eileen: Girl, I needs to lose some weight?
Schmeco: Why girl? Big girls are back.  You betta use what you got to get what you want!
Eileen:  Say what?  I already got a man, I ain't hardly looking.
Schmeco:  Nah girl, I'm talking about cleaning up! What size bra you wear? Bout a DDD? Girl them shits could hold Barbie's, Monopoly games, Hungry Hungry Hippos...whatever! I'm telling you girl, I carried my family's whole Thanksgiving dinner under my right titty and my belly.  I'm a beast with this shit.
Eileen: For real? You know what? I'm wit it.  I saw these boots at TJ Maxx a couple weeks ago.  I'm gonna get me some and a few pairs to sell.  I love having you as a friend girl! You know how to milk errthang!

And then their dumb asses go to TJ Maxx and get locked up for housing shit and I end up on the bed watching the madness on TV with this look on my face:


SMH and crying for womankind. Theft by areola.  This shit right here is another sign that the end is near.  Get your lives right people.