Ripped From The Headlines: Hi Ho! Hi Ho!

This has been a very trying week for me personally.  Lots of stuff going on in my life that pretty much made me want to throw in the towel and go live with some Shaolin monks in silence.  I even booked my flight.

But then The Kid gave me some advice that made everything make sense: "Haters gonna hate Mama."

Indeed.

And so, instead of heading to Staten Island to live amongst the mute and learn Kung Fu.  I continued to apply my awesomeness to all of my endeavors and wouldn't you know it? Things got better.

Things got so much better that by the middle of the week instead of everything making me want to cry, I was laughing at the most inappropriate things.  You know, as per my usual.

This morning a friend of mine, Lovely Lucian, posted an article about the Fokken twins.  A pair of 69 year old women of the night.

When I tell you that the sheer audacity of this article brought Tee to tears? I don't think you would be able to fathom the amount of dew that covered my face.

69 year old flatbackers? For serious? There are really people out in these streets in search of geriatric tail and gummy BJs?

I can't.

But I did anyway.  And you want to know what I found?  The Fokken's made a movie!!!!!


These old broads really filmed themselves for perpetuity talking bout how that money from the state ain't putting bread on the table!!  That spreading legs that have seen the beginning of time and all things since keeps them eating that good food like steaks and chops and shrimp?

And one of them is a dominatrix!! Say what? Exactly how does that work? She looks like you could blow her over with a feather, but she's got men willing to pay dubloons (or whatever the currency in Amesterdam is) for her to tell them to chill in a wet Depends for a few seconds longer as punishment?

This is killing me.

The article said one sister retired because she got arthritis and can't lift her legs like she used to.

Jesus be some Capsaicin.

Look folks, I know times are hard all over the world. I know a lot of your 401Ks are looking like Number Munchers had their monthly meeting all up and through your accounts.  But I need for you to do me one good favor.  Do NOT seek flatbacking as a way to supplement your retirement income.  I understand that some of you don't have any other talents, but you need to find a way.  Sell oranges on the side of the road.  Braid hair.  Shine shoes.

But don't ever let me hear about you giving up access to your ancient ovaries like that shit is what's hot in these streets.

Nobody wants to see old balls.  I need you old men to keep those harnessed in whatever old me use to hold them up.  I definitely don't want to hear about anybody paying to cuddle them.

In Tee's Universe, we don't play these kinds of games.  All freaky XXX activity should be not be bartered but freely given away in the comforts of your own home.  We don't care how old you are, we just don't want to see it in the streets!

*sigh*

I'm pretty sure this isn't a sign that the world is ending.  I'm certain that the Fokken's went to grade school with 5 or 6 of The Disciples, so they understand their aintshit ways.  Not saying they get a pass, just that when you have friends in high places sometimes you just get to wallow in your shenanigans a little longer than most.

So yeah, no 2012 on this one.  But it IS a sign to get your life right.  Stop spending all your coins on Farmville bucks and invest in yourself.

Mother's Day Joy

This post is dedicated to all of the women who have taken take out of their lives to love, nurture, and on occasions smack the piss out of a kid.  This kid may not have been born from your womb, but you loved him or her enough to make sure they didn't make an ass out of themselves and embarrass you and the rest of the people who share your genetics or zip code.

I salute you ladies.

Today's post is my gift to you.

The following are GIFs from around these innanets that I think will help you express your thoughts and feelings on all of the shenanigans and tomfoolery that you may encounter. I know they damn sure help me.  Enjoy!

For those moments when you promised the Good Lord you wouldn't act a damn fool, and somebody tries your patience:

or maybe:

For that moment when your child brings home a mudduck or other such visual travesty:

For that moment when your entire ration of fucks to give hits 0:

 For those moments when you've said all you can say and the next stop will be side kicks and right hooks:

For those moments when people bring their personal bullshit into your personal space:

For those moments when you realize that your child(ren) really does have some of their father's family traits:

For those moments when there are no fucking words...:

  or how about

 or possibly:

 or maybe:

 or my personal fave:

Anyway, I hope this little shots of heaven filled your day up with as much joy as they did mine.  :-)

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!! 

SISNS: No. Just...NO!!!

Jesus be a soft landing....

I thought I'd start of this edition of "Shit I Should Never See" with a gif that pretty much shows everything that happened to me the moment I laid eyes on the picture that is the subject of today's post.  It's one of those things that you feel like if you blink slow enough, it will be gone once you open your eyes.

I'm sure you'll understand once you get a chance to check the shit out for yourself.

Eenie, meenie, miney, NO!! 

This morning I woke up to see the red message light flashing on my cell.  I fell asleep in the middle of an extremely hilarious text conversation with the BFF, so I just knew I was going to wake up to some unprecedented foolishness.

Never could I have ever imagined this epic level of tomfoolery.  Not ever.

I'll tell you right now, this is not the kinda shit you need for a 6 am damn wake up call!

I mean, really? This heffa was comfy enough with her position in the universe to put on (what I assume to be) a onsie! 

Although, due to the placement of the FUPA, I can't really be sure. 

*sigh*

I really can't.  I just can't. 

There's so much  wrong with this!  I'm all for self-esteem and what not, but this is where I draw the line.  You should never love yourself so much that you are willing to subject the rest of the world to looking at you whilst you walking around looking a hot, flaming, surface of of the Sun flaming mess!!

This is not okay!!

Anyone who finds this acceptable has to have a soul filled with darkness, deception, and the woes of the downtrodden. .

How is it okay for her to be walking these streets looking like Rasputia went and got lost in an alternate PBS dimension?

Can the Teletubbies sue her for defamation?

If you move the antennae on her head, will her eyes straighten up?

I guess the really important question would be: WHERE IN THE HELL ARE HER FRIENDS??? 

I can pretty much guarantee that my friends wouldn't allow me to leave my closet looking like this, let alone be seen in pictures or on the streets.  No ma'am.  I'm pretty sure they like me enough to tell me I look the fool.  In fact, I'm almost certain a fight of some sort would break out before I could make out of the front door.  A good girlfriend will knock you clean out in the comfort of your own abode before she lets you embarrass yourself and all of your ancestors by looking like Tinky Winky and 'em's long lost cousin.

That's what friends are for.

Nothing in my day has gone right since I laid eyes on the heffa.  So, I'm respectfully requesting a mulligan.

No way a good law-abiding citizen of the universe like Tee should have to suffer through a bad day because of someone else's piss poor decisions.

For those of you keeping count, this is sign #98739429404 that the Good Lord is pull Earth's rotation back faster than Kid Capri does a record on his turntables.  

Get your life right.  The clock End of Days bomb keeps on ticking...and The Big Guy just trimmed a few feet off of the fuse. 

Love and the White House

I don't know if I've ever said this over here in Tee's World, but I have a little thing for the POTUS.

It's really pathetic actually.  Why? Because I hate politicians as a rule.  They are thieves and liars.  They are narcissistic egomaniacs.  And most of them are pretty dumb.

But the POTUS has stolen my heart.  I'm talking a real live when he smiles I get butterflies and giggles type of crush. I don't know how it happened.  Other than being over 6' tall, he's not even my type.  But, I swear I just know he's gonna be my main squeeze.  Or at least I hope to get a few clandestine squeezes in at some point before I take over the world.  After my takeover I won't have time.  Not even for that smile.....

Anyway, I happen to think the POTUS is one of the coolest men on the planet.  I bet his body temperature never gets above 72 degrees.  

We happen to agree on a lot of things.  He thinks Kanye West is an arrogant asshole.  I do too.  He thinks John Boehner is a crybaby asshole.  I do too.  He thinks Rush Limbaugh is an obese asshole.  Dammit, I do too!!!  

Since we agree on pretty much everything, I'm sure we would never argue.  We would hold hands, look into each others eyes,  and share tips on world takeovers.  That's the kinda shit real relationships are built on.  

And when he does stuff like he did at this years White House Correspondents Dinner?  Man, it just makes me love him more.

(www.worldstarhiphop.com)

He's the bomb.

I'm currently working on my submission package for the White House Intern Program.  Judge if you want.  While you are sitting there surfing the innanets for whatever it is that you look for....

I'll be checking for dust mites under the Resolute desk* and being the change that I believe in. ;-)



*Just jokes people.  I would never do that.  For several reasons: 1.  I've got arthritis.  2. FLOTUS is from Chicago's Southside.  I'm pretty sure she still carries a razor blade under her tongue for kicks. 3.  You've heard of Monica Lewinsky, but have you heard from her lately?  No ma'am, not even Presidential balls will keep me from Operation World Domination.

Random Thoughts: Lazy Day Edition

Before I start today's post, I just want to thank everyone who read and shared my last post.  Apparently, lots of folks thought it was funny and increased traffic around these parts A LOT.  I appreciate you all.  Anything you can do to raise my number of minions...I mean fans, means the world to me. :-)

Okay, on to today's post......

Today is an extra lazy day.  Besides getting up to head to a local diner to stuff my face with fatty and cholesterol laden deliciousness, I've done nothing but read, lay in bed and watch wacktackular movies.  The wacker the better. Movies like Burlesque, Honey, Glitter. I even considered a Tyler Perry church play.  So you KNOW I'm in a damn good mood.

Most people don't understand what I find entertaining about bad movies.  But my mind is kind of fucked.  I'm pretty much into everything that is inappropriate and I tend to laugh at the most unfunny things.  I happen to find humor in the fact that the people acting in these movies are really and truly being serious and giving it all that they have. I'm talking what I'm quite positive that they believe are Oscar worthy performances.  And they still suck. A LOT.  It's truly amazing to me. I can't get enough.  I can't stop watching them.  It's my strange addiction.

Anyway, I've been up since like 3 am.  It's days like these, when there is nothing really going on, and I have plenty of time to myself that I think of the most random things.  I mean, if you've been hanging around in Tee's World long enough you should know that my mind is pretty damn random on most days anyway, but if you give this gray matter time to roam on it's own there's really no telling what you're going to get.

I really didn't have a topic to write on and I promised myself that I would try to write at least once a week.

So here are some of my thoughts for April 28, 2012:

Never not funny. 

<-----This is my favorite shirt.  I should wear it more.  It's a great conversation starter.  Which 1sucks for me because I don't really like having conversations.

I'm 87.65% sure that Mitt Romney is the Manchurian Candidate.

Olivia Pope kinda makes me want to date women.  But not all women.  Just Olivia Pope. We'd share war stories and handbags and shoes.

Spot on casting!!

GCB is funny as all fucks. Those white broads are bat shit crazy. I love it.

Angelina Jolie really does look like Malificent!! OMG

My son will be taller than me soon.

Whatever happened to Tony Terry?  Is he singing "With You"? I wonder how much he charges for appearances? Was he a natural red head?

I should design some t-shirts.

I think I want a food truck. I have no idea what I'd serve.  Maybe ice cream.  But that would make it an ice cream truck...

Some prime rib would be nice.

I miss my Mama.

It really is funny when The Kid falls out of the bed.

Love Jones might be the best black love story ever told.  "I love you. That's urgent like a mothafucka." Smooth game.  Well played Darius Lovehall.  Well fuckin' played.

On second thought, Love & Basketball is the best black love story. Love Jones has the best soundtrack.

I wish I had a queen friend to submit for RuPaul's Drag Race.

Misshapen really is a great word.  I should use it more.

I really regret not going to Vegas with the homies. I can't miss anymore trips.  I just can't.

Well, those are some of the more normal thoughts I've had today.  I'll keep the more radical ones to myself.  I am trying to take over the universe.  I don't want you all thinking I can't rule over ALL because you think I'm crazy as hell.

Everyone Is NOT A Winner

Me and a friend were having a conversation the other day.

This friend was explaining to me how you can no longer cut children from teams or school activities.  Now because my child is younger, I'm not well versed on all the ins and outs of school sports politics.  I only know about shit like wee ball, youth basketball, and kung fu (The Kid is a beast with the left chop-right kick combo y'all).

Anyway, we were talking about how some of these kids that aren't cut suck donkey balls at whatever sport they are playing.  But because of the rule you have to let them play.

In my opinion, and here in Tee's World we know it's the only one that matters, that's WACK!!! If you suck you shouldn't be on the team. Point blank period.  Be a towel boy, go fetch water, shit join the Team Trainer Corps, but get the entire fuck off the field!!!

I hate the idea that all kids get a ribbon.  The fact that there are no losers anymore is what's wrong with the world.

I call it the pussification[1] of our youth.

Pussification is one of the reasons bullying is so rampant these days.  Everybody wants to be nice and there are no consequences for the kids that are wack.  Look, I've been bullied it's not fun.  And I'm not saying that it's not a real problem. What I'm saying is the way that these problems are being addressed are not the correct way.  When I was being bullied I ran home crying.  You want to know what happened? Big Daddy locked me out of the fucking house and told me not to bring my crying ass home until somebodies ass was kicked. I've carried that lesson in my heart and soul since I was 7 years old.  The last person that tried to bully me ended up with an eye patch for the Summer.[2]


And you want to know what else? I've been cut from teams. And I cried about it and I felt bad. But you want to know what happened? Big Mama said, "Girl get it together. So what you ain't make it on THAT team. You're good enough to make another." And I believed her.  I found something that I was good at and I did make another team. And we were ALL-STARS.

But these days, instead of playing outside, working hard at your craft, practicing hand to hand combat, and learning how not to be an all around loser, we've got a generation of vitamin D deficient simps who don't know battle outside of a fucking Worlds of Warcraft level.

Truthfully, it's really not the kids faults.  I blame the parents.  I'm quite sure the reason why everybody gets a ribbon on my sons b-ball team is because little LuQuane's daddy was extra wacktackular with his crossover and got cut from every team in every league in his hometown.  So now we have to suffer through watching LuQuane fumble, fall, and score goals for the other team because his daddy just wasn't good enough.

Fuck that.

I say bring back team cuts.  Bring back the sucky feeling you get when you get 2nd. Bring back the big shiny trophies and medals for first and the bargain bin homemade ribbons for everybody else. Bring back touchdown celebration dances and the art of talking shit to your opponent.  Bring back intimidation and the ability to make your opponent feel like they belong on the bottom of your shoe.

It's what the world needs.

Pussification is the reason why some many of today's youth are making piss poor decisions. No way a kid who knows the feeling of real life consequences would walk out of the house like this:

Seriously ma'am?

Only people who have walked pussified streets would feel safe walking around like this with no fear of retribution.

This ain't right!!

Pussification is the reason why Drake sells out stadiums.

Pussification is the reason why a man wearing skin tight chartreuse skinny jeans is acceptable.

Pussification is the reason why McDonald's started selling microscopic fries with their Happy Meals.

Pussification is the reason why folks like Rush Limbaugh can pop off without feeling the loving force of 5 knuckles to his jaw immediately afterward.

*sigh* Y'all gonna get enough of letting shit like this slide.  I fully expect someone like this to end up being the POTUS and there won't be anything any of us can do about it.  Hopefully, the Good Lord will see fit to press pause on Earth's rotation before then.

---

[1]Pussification: v. the act of turning something into a pussy. Also see bitch made, punk, aintshit.
[2]True story.
.

When All Else Fails...Sell Some Tail

I have a friend named The Good Reverend Doctor, I'll call him TGRD because typing all of that out more than once would be more keystrokes than I care to deal with.  Now, TGRD is an educated young man.  He's got all kinds of degrees and most people would think that he's a fairly intelligent dude.

Well, here's the thing about TGRD.  With all of the theology,  grammar, mathematics, and other stuff that he knows that would make people think that he actually uses the brain in his head, he's got no damn sense at all! Zilch. This guy...this guy is the one who supplies me with most of my foolishness fixes.  Not because he knows that it makes me happy.  He does it because he's one of the only other fools in this universe that get the same kind of pleasure out of pure, unadulterated fuckery that I do.

So with all of that said, I guess I should tell you that today's post is dedicated to TGRD.  But because the conversation that we had led me to look on these innanets for some foolishness to discuss and I came across a story that touched my soul.  It's a real life tale of hunger and the will to survive.  Kind of like The Hunger Games but with prostitutes, undercover fuzz, and drive-thru windows instead of Katniss, Peeta, and 'em.

So, please thank TGRD - missionary, teacher, fuckery fanatic for sending me off into the wild blue yonder to look for this shit.  It's pretty much all his fault.

Take some time out of your glorious day to click the link from The Miami Herald. I'll be waiting to discuss when you get back:

The Skeezburglar

http://www.miamiherald.com/2012/04/03/2728952/woman-offers-sex-for-dollar-menu.html

What the entire fuck is really going on with people these days?

What exactly would you call this kind of crime? Mackin' for McDoubles?  French Fried Flatbackin?

Look, I've felt the horrible twinge of an empty belly a few times in my life.  But never, have I ever thought I'd head over to the local drive-thru to hand out BJs for burgers and fries!!  I think far to highly of mysef.   There's so many things that I could do before I even considered offering up The Precious for bargain bin prices.  I mean, where there no Red Lobsters or Olive Gardens close by? If you are gonna give up some tail at least have the courtesy of covering it with a nice cloth napkin before the deed is done.

Jesus be some table manners.

It takes some real, live balls to stand in front of a statue of the great Ronald McDonald and offer up nook for $2.75! I mean, ma'am is your vajayjay not even worth the high ticket items like McRib or Big Mac? Not even one of those sweet and refreshing strawberry and banana smoothies or a hot beverage from the McCafe?

What would Grimace do?

I'm so outdone by this foolishness.

Just in case you were wondering, that cool breeze you just felt was our time on Earth speeding right past us.  This is reason #43459445632358.187 that the world is coming to an end.  The Good Lord didn't jack Adam's rib for us to be making these kinds of piss poor decisions ladies. Damn.