Election 2012: Real Life Foolishness

2012 is an election year. I'm not going to talk about who you should be voting for. I'm not going to discuss whether or not your decision is right or whether it's wrong.  In fact, I'm not going to say much at all.

I'm gonna let this here picture speak for itself. I'm just going tell you that as much as I *heart* ratchetness and tomfoolery, this kind of ignorance is not acceptable.

Word?

Shirts like this let me know that as much as people would like to say that things are different, they really aren't.

Real Life Skills: The Anti-Judgement Initiative

If you haven't been living under a rock these past few days you know that the 2012 Olympics have been underway in London, England.

USA Men's Olympic Swim Team.

I've had a grand time watching Team USA break records, make history, and win medals.  Full disclosure: I also spent a far amount of your tax dollars swooning over the men's swim team.

My only complaint is that to get to the good stuff like swimming, gymnastics, women's beach volleyball, or synchronized diving; you have to sit through crap like table tennis or men's volleyball (beach or indoor).

These sports don't give me what I need.  So while attempting to watch these wacktackular events my mind began to wander.

As you know, the wandering mind and random thoughts really isn't out of the ordinary for me. Seeing all of the countries together competing and appearing to live harmoniously in the Olympic Village made me think of some things that I thing would make this world a much better place.

Mainly I was thinking about community service (not court ordered).  Ways to make people act like they have good sense.  Like, what kind of guidance could Tee give to make sure the good citizens of the world didn't embarrass themselves and end up viral on theses innanets?  But then I figured that that is a hopeless cause because some people are just good at being judged.  This is learned behavior for some, congenital for others. There is really no way to "cure" it.

But I can do my part to make sure that even if you have it in you, you can practice ways to keep it out of sight.  Kind of like birth control. Except instead of practicing safe sex, this is about practicing using your good damn common sense.

So, I decided that I would give some guidance on how to live a awesome and peaceful judgement free existence in Tee's World.

These aren't laws or anything, I'm no dictator.  These are just rules that you should abide by in life (or at least while in my presence) to prevent ridicule and self-esteem expulsion.

1. A man that is taller than 4'7" should never drive a Mini Cooper, Smart Car, or any other mode of transportation that looks like it should be an Bratz doll accessory.  I'm pretty sure you think you're cool or saving the Earth, but honey you just look silly folding yourself into those clown cars.  Buy a car that's made for humans you d-bag. 
2. No woman should have more facial hair than any 6 year old boy that you know.  I know you're thinking "but Tee, 6 year old boys don't have facial hair."  EXACTLY.
3. No human should walk these streets with feet that look like they have been in existence since the beginning of time. Jesus didn't invent paraffin dips and honey pedicures so y'all could be walking around with Hobbit feet!!  Dammit do us all a favor and at least buy a pumice stone and a bucket.  Let those thangs soak and scrub away the destitution and darkness that is covering your soles.  It's 2012.  There's absolutely no fucking excuse for you to be walking looking like you personally mapped out the Underground Railroad with your metatarsals.
4. Brush, floss, gargle. Rinse, repeat. Get yourself some dental  insurance and make sure you take full advantage of everything those DMDs have to offer. I know this seems really random, but y'all are going to have to trust me on this one.  I've seen some shit in my lifetime that would make Baby Jesus take a header out of the manger. You don't want to be walking these streets looking like Jack Skellington. A copay is nothing compared to the warm feeling you will get when you smile and see every tooth the Good Lord gave you. 
5. Wear clothes that fit. There's nothing worse than seeing a woman in an awesome outfit that is 10 sizes too small.  I'm sure you think you're sexy but the whole world is standing in judgement against you dear.  Ain't nothing hot about walking these streets looking like a busted Summer sausage casing.  And fellas can we please stop it with the oversized jeans and tees AND the undersized jeans and tees? If you can't walk because your pants are so big you have to keep pulling them up or so small that you balls chafe you need to make some changes in your life! Nothing makes me want to commit vehicular manslaughter more then a young man in a cross walk who's delaying my trip because his damn pants don't fit. In Tee's World tapping a pedestrian like this with the grill of your SUV will only be a misdemeanor.  You won't even have to come to court for that shit. 
6. Keep personal conversations personal.  Now THIS is a novel idea. I know way more about people than I could ever want to based off of the things that they say out loud while chatting on the phone. If I didn't use my powers for good I could have stolen at least 27 identities, pilfered 8 homes while the owners were on vacation, slept with 12 aintshit husbands, took 7 aintshit wives out for drinks and bj's, and enjoyed some illegal pick-me-ups with 32 good for nothing teenagers.  You people need to learn how to whisper and or get the hell up from your desks.  Cubicles are made from carpet and wire.  They have no ceiling. They are NOT soundproof.  Jeez.
7. Stop talking strangers about hair. Look me in the eyes when I tell you this. I DON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT YOUR HAIR CHOICES.  NOT ONE. That's pretty much it. Anybody that randomly comes up to me and starts talking about why they started relaxing again, why they stopped relaxing, giving unsolicited hair tips, or touching my afro for texture checks get sideeyes, rolled eyes, blank stares, and maybe even a long frustrated exhale.  What you do with your mane is your business ma'am.  What I do with mine, is mine. I never had a fuck to give about your head and what you do with it.  Just because we both can't use a fine toothed comb does not make us sisters in the struggle. Get your life.

I'm going to stop now because this list would get extra lengthy.  

Anyway, that should be enough to get you good folks started.  Keep doing any of them and the citizens of the world will keep treating you like....well like they've been treating you. 

Y'all have a good day.  I'm about to go stare at Ryan Lochte's webpage, so I know I will.  ;-)

SWWWWWOOOOOOOONNNNNN!!!!

Real Life Skills: Removing the Ratchet

So a friend asked me to give a few thoughts on how to remove the ratchet from your life.  At first I didn't know how to approach this subject. But then I realized that getting rid of stuff just isn't that easy for folks. 


That's why they have t.v. shows like Hoarders and Cheaters. People get attached and just keep useless shit around. Even when the useless shit is harmful to you health and your freedom.


In this case, the ratchet is harmful to mental sensibilities and common sense.  These people will have you questioning your sanity and sometimes considering to join in on the reindeer games.


None of that is acceptable.

So here are some easy steps to successfully eliminate the raggedy ass ratchet folk from your life and make sure that you remain an honest, decent citizen of the universe. 

How to DeRatchetize Your Life, by Tee

1. Eliminate all social networking. Surveys show that Facebook and Twitter supply 87.23% of all ratchetness witnessed by by all individuals capable of logging on to the Internet.  And just in case you're some kind of math genius and want to know what happened to the other 12.77% check out Instagram and Tumblr. You'll find all remaining fuckery there.  Simply deactivate your accounts on these sites and you've pretty much successfully eliminated all manners of fuckery from your life.  No more status rants about deadbeat baby daddy's on Mother's Day, no more ass pics taken in a toothpaste spotted bathroom mirror, no more videos from Ices Brown, no more e-beefs with strangers via @'s and inboxes.  Just think about it.  While you do that I'll sit over here and hum some Louie Armstrong...

2. Get emancipated. Every single one of us has a sibling or an uncle or a cousin that you wish you could vote off the island or at least erase the DNA that ties them to you.  This person seems to thrive on all things dramatic and has a life changing crisis every 3rd day.  It seems like you spend half your life bailing them out, loaning them money, and pretending like you give an ounce of a damn about what's going on in their life.  I know you're tired of dealing with that, so this is what you need to do (in no particular order): change your phone number, move out of state, join witness protection, get a new face.  I know all of that seems drastic, but remember this is family, you can't just ignore them like you do regular people.  You can't just say goodbye.  Family never takes that kind of simple shit seriously.  You have to go out with a bang so they know it's real.

3. Start hanging with white people.  Now this one is going to be controversial, but stick with me.  We all know that white folks have their very own patented brand of ridiculousness.  But white folks ratchet and black folks ratchet are two distinctly different things.  One embarrasses you.  The other makes you proud and happy that it's not anybody related to you engaging in the dumb shit.  Why not hang with people who will boost your self confidence and love for self instead of people that make you wanna tuck your head and tip out of the room or jump off a cliff?  *NOTE* If you're white and reading this, start hanging with Mexicans.  Same rules apply.

4. Stop being you. Nine times out of 10 the common denominator to all things ratchet in your life is YOU.  So you are going to have to make some changes.  Like get a close and personal relationship with dictionary and thesaurus. Not everybody understands the gullah gullah island type wack text slang that you speak and write. Let's learn how to spell, enunciate, and form complete sentences. You might want to cover up that tattooed tear with some concealer.  Most employers aren't into hiring folks that advertise that they shanked somebody in lockup. Or how about you stop telling all your business to anyone who will read it and/or listen!! The most ratchet of the ratchet are folks that are always in their bipolar ass flip floppy feelings and feel like they need to subject the masses to that bullshit! All of that to say: take a break from being you for a while.  Pretend to be anybody else.  I guarantee the ratchet quotient in your life with drop to negative numbers.

Well, that's all I have.  Four simple steps to ratchet removal. I hope they help.

I'm pretty sure there are other things you could do, but I'm thinking that if you successfully implement these 4 you won't have to much trouble with life.

And just so you know, ratchet ass tomfoolery is not allowed in Tee's World.  Over here we watch the shenanigans from afar, judge it, laugh at it, and then go home to reflect on ways to keep all of the ratchet people away.

Some would say it's a form of segregation.  They would be right.  The civil rights of the asinine, embarrassing, and stupid don't really matter to the inhabitants of Tee's World.  Think about that when you apply for citizenship. 

Love and the White House

I don't know if I've ever said this over here in Tee's World, but I have a little thing for the POTUS.

It's really pathetic actually.  Why? Because I hate politicians as a rule.  They are thieves and liars.  They are narcissistic egomaniacs.  And most of them are pretty dumb.

But the POTUS has stolen my heart.  I'm talking a real live when he smiles I get butterflies and giggles type of crush. I don't know how it happened.  Other than being over 6' tall, he's not even my type.  But, I swear I just know he's gonna be my main squeeze.  Or at least I hope to get a few clandestine squeezes in at some point before I take over the world.  After my takeover I won't have time.  Not even for that smile.....

Anyway, I happen to think the POTUS is one of the coolest men on the planet.  I bet his body temperature never gets above 72 degrees.  

We happen to agree on a lot of things.  He thinks Kanye West is an arrogant asshole.  I do too.  He thinks John Boehner is a crybaby asshole.  I do too.  He thinks Rush Limbaugh is an obese asshole.  Dammit, I do too!!!  

Since we agree on pretty much everything, I'm sure we would never argue.  We would hold hands, look into each others eyes,  and share tips on world takeovers.  That's the kinda shit real relationships are built on.  

And when he does stuff like he did at this years White House Correspondents Dinner?  Man, it just makes me love him more.

(www.worldstarhiphop.com)

He's the bomb.

I'm currently working on my submission package for the White House Intern Program.  Judge if you want.  While you are sitting there surfing the innanets for whatever it is that you look for....

I'll be checking for dust mites under the Resolute desk* and being the change that I believe in. ;-)



*Just jokes people.  I would never do that.  For several reasons: 1.  I've got arthritis.  2. FLOTUS is from Chicago's Southside.  I'm pretty sure she still carries a razor blade under her tongue for kicks. 3.  You've heard of Monica Lewinsky, but have you heard from her lately?  No ma'am, not even Presidential balls will keep me from Operation World Domination.

Random Thoughts: Lazy Day Edition

Before I start today's post, I just want to thank everyone who read and shared my last post.  Apparently, lots of folks thought it was funny and increased traffic around these parts A LOT.  I appreciate you all.  Anything you can do to raise my number of minions...I mean fans, means the world to me. :-)

Okay, on to today's post......

Today is an extra lazy day.  Besides getting up to head to a local diner to stuff my face with fatty and cholesterol laden deliciousness, I've done nothing but read, lay in bed and watch wacktackular movies.  The wacker the better. Movies like Burlesque, Honey, Glitter. I even considered a Tyler Perry church play.  So you KNOW I'm in a damn good mood.

Most people don't understand what I find entertaining about bad movies.  But my mind is kind of fucked.  I'm pretty much into everything that is inappropriate and I tend to laugh at the most unfunny things.  I happen to find humor in the fact that the people acting in these movies are really and truly being serious and giving it all that they have. I'm talking what I'm quite positive that they believe are Oscar worthy performances.  And they still suck. A LOT.  It's truly amazing to me. I can't get enough.  I can't stop watching them.  It's my strange addiction.

Anyway, I've been up since like 3 am.  It's days like these, when there is nothing really going on, and I have plenty of time to myself that I think of the most random things.  I mean, if you've been hanging around in Tee's World long enough you should know that my mind is pretty damn random on most days anyway, but if you give this gray matter time to roam on it's own there's really no telling what you're going to get.

I really didn't have a topic to write on and I promised myself that I would try to write at least once a week.

So here are some of my thoughts for April 28, 2012:

Never not funny. 

<-----This is my favorite shirt.  I should wear it more.  It's a great conversation starter.  Which 1sucks for me because I don't really like having conversations.

I'm 87.65% sure that Mitt Romney is the Manchurian Candidate.

Olivia Pope kinda makes me want to date women.  But not all women.  Just Olivia Pope. We'd share war stories and handbags and shoes.

Spot on casting!!

GCB is funny as all fucks. Those white broads are bat shit crazy. I love it.

Angelina Jolie really does look like Malificent!! OMG

My son will be taller than me soon.

Whatever happened to Tony Terry?  Is he singing "With You"? I wonder how much he charges for appearances? Was he a natural red head?

I should design some t-shirts.

I think I want a food truck. I have no idea what I'd serve.  Maybe ice cream.  But that would make it an ice cream truck...

Some prime rib would be nice.

I miss my Mama.

It really is funny when The Kid falls out of the bed.

Love Jones might be the best black love story ever told.  "I love you. That's urgent like a mothafucka." Smooth game.  Well played Darius Lovehall.  Well fuckin' played.

On second thought, Love & Basketball is the best black love story. Love Jones has the best soundtrack.

I wish I had a queen friend to submit for RuPaul's Drag Race.

Misshapen really is a great word.  I should use it more.

I really regret not going to Vegas with the homies. I can't miss anymore trips.  I just can't.

Well, those are some of the more normal thoughts I've had today.  I'll keep the more radical ones to myself.  I am trying to take over the universe.  I don't want you all thinking I can't rule over ALL because you think I'm crazy as hell.

Leave Kid's Stuff Alone

So the other day I read an article on The Huffington Post that pretty much said that there's a group somewhere in the world that that thinks Bert and Ernie should get hitched.

It was by far the dumbest shit that I've had to bear witness to in about 3 weeks.

I'm not gay, so I won't profess to understand the plight of the LGBT community.  I have no idea what little LGBT children need.  But I'm going to make the assumption that they would need some grownup dumbass messing with their entertainment just so he or she can feel better about....whatever.

This is so unneccesary. Bert and Ernie ain't gay.  Not saying that all homosexual men fit into stereotypes of homosexual men but...look at these dudes.

Their wardrobes are not fly.  Who really rocks the like horizontal and vertical striped shirts daily for the better part of 40 years?  And what about that unibrow Bert rocks?  Have you seen the decor in their crib?

Nah, those dudes are living the "I don't give a shit" hetero bachelor life. Sure Ernie sings to a rubber ducky, but I believe this is just a distraction from the fact that he only washes his ass every 2 weeks. 

No way these guys are gay. 

I personally think they get it in with Zoe and Prairie Dawn.  I bet they come to the crib after night night time with Red Bull and Turkey Hill Lemonade and get shit poppin'.

And plus, if you really want to talk about gayness on Sesame Street, why on Earth are folks not talking about having The Count come out of the closet.  That dude is the Liberace of puppets.  That cape, those jewels, the atttitude.  But then again...he could be a pimp.  So, nevermind. 
People really need to stop inserting grown folks issues into the lives of children.  They don't care about this shit. 

Ripped from the Headlines: Stanky Leg

I'm posting this just to let you all know that dumbass criminals are not something that only the South can claim. Check this out...

MILFORD -- A man wanted for stealing 58 containers of deodorant from the Ocean State Job Lot store on Bridgeport Avenue in November was located and arrested on a warrant late last week.

Police said Joseph Mingolello concealed the 58 containers in his pants and then exited the store without paying. Mingolello allegedly pushed a store employee and tried to strike another when they approached him as he was leaving the store.

The incident occurred on Nov. 26. Mingolello of Jewett Avenue in Bridgeport was identified through video survelliance tapes, police said. The deodorant was valued at $188.

Mingolello was charged with third-degree robbery and sixth-degree larceny. He was held on $10,000 bond and is set to appear in state Superior Court in Milford on March 11. (source)

No mugshot was available, but I surely want to see this guy.  I imagine him to be a very small man with a very large crack/meth habit.  He wears a scraggly beard and a thin layer of filth to protect his skin from the third parties living on his clothes.  I describe him this way because only on stanking ass man would need this much Tussy.  And only a crackhead would think that he would get away with shoving that shit down his pant leg and trying to make a run for it.

I'm quite sure all of it wasn't for personal use.  Which begs the question: what in the hell is going on in Connecticut? Are times really that hard up there that folks are resorting to grand theft Arrid? Hell, I'm broke, but if I'm going to rob some folks for dry goods I'm going to go for the good stuff, like Gold Bond powder or something.

I really can't deal with this.  The simpleness of people has really amazed me today.  SMH

How Much Stuff Can You Stuff In Your Mouth?

Call me shady but I'd be more impressed if this was a girl....

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy