J Is For....

OK people here's another question from the inbox.  I'm not quite sure what category this one fits in.  It's not quite love, it's not quite stalkerism.  It is all ridiculous.  You'll see.
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Dear Tee,

I'm at my wits end with this one and I'm hoping you can give me some guidance on where to go with it.  I'm sitting here writing this extremely embarrassed that I'm even in this situation.  But I need your help.  OK so here's the deal, there's this guy that I've recently reconnected with after several years. At first he was pretty cool and we were able to hang out and spend some time together in group settings, like dinners and trips to the club.  But lately he's been doing some really weird stuff like calling at all hours of the night, sending random texts, and making requests that he probably shouldn't since we are not in a relationship.  Also, a few weeks ago he shared some information with an aquaintence of mine that was far from the truth.  It was some really wack attention seeking behavior designed to make people believe we are an item.  I wasn't ever seriously interested in a relationship with him, in fact I thought I was clear that we could be FRIENDS, but if he had even a remote chance, that incident pretty much shut it down.  He's ultimately a nice guy so I don't wanna hurt his feelings, but how do I let him know that I'm not interested in him in "that way" and also that his behavior around my friends was unacceptable?

I'm really looking forward to your thoughts on this situation because I know you'll tell me the right thing to do.  Thanks in advance.

Blondie


Blondie,

First of all, wow.  Since you're going to "the club" I'm going to assume that everyone involved in this situation are grown folks.  Which, honestly, saddens me because this is some shit that I probably went through when I was like 12.  Not that I was fast or anything but...well...anyway, we ain't talking about Tee right now.

Anyway, it appears, my dear that you have encountered what I like to call a jabroni.  Jabroni's walk amongst us disguised as normal people, but underneath their skin is a very irritating, insecure, unappealing individual.  Remember that movie "V"? And how the aliens would unzip their skin and show off their reptilian identities?  That's what jabroni's do.  They let you get close enough to get fooled by their disguise and then BOOM they show you the real them and its all slimy, green, and stinky. 

Now that we've identified what you're up against, and girlfriend trust me, you are up against a formidable opponent.  Because most jabroni's don't know that they are jabroni's.  They've hidden what they are so well that they've even fooled themselves.  Most of them think they are a damn good catch and that any woman should be ecstatic to be seen with him.  So when you try to make him see himself for what he really is he's gonna put up one hell of a fight against it.  Don't be deterred though friend.  I believe I know just what to do and say to rid this pest from your life.  Now keep in mind tact and diplomacy are NOT my strong suits so...

1. Utilize the phrase: "Gimme 50 feet!!!!".  It's appropriate for when a person gets all up on your comfort bubble and you need them to back the hell up.  I mean if a guy doesn't get the picture that you don't wanna be near him from that then, well, he's a jabroni.  But we know that already so you are likely gonna have to be a little more underhanded with your tactics let's try something else...
2. When he approaches you, say nothing.  Stare straight ahead and just blink really slowly.  If someone else approaches you, engage in animated conversation.  When they leave, press mute.  If he doesn't get the point that you don't want to talk to him from that then something is definitely wrong.  Like other than the fact that he's a jabroni.  He may also be borderline intellectual functioning, but we don't want to diagnos him because we don't want to insult our BIF brethren.
3. If you've reached this point then asking for space and the silent treatment did not work.  So you should simply say: "Muhfucka leave me alone!! OMG, I've tried to be nice but your loser ass makes that shit hard.  What the hell is wrong with you? STOP!!".  Personally,  I would have done this at first, but you did ask how to let him off nicely so this should be your last resort.

In addition to these things, also identify him in your contacts as "JABRONI ALERT!! JABRONI ALERT!!", so you know not to answer your phone when he calls.  Make sure you ringback tone for him is "Can't Be Friends".  Or you could forward all calls to voicemail and all texts to trash.  I don't know how to do any of those things on my phone but they seem like good ideas.

If all else fails consider an EPO.  I believe Ted Bundy chose his victims after long nights of drunk texting and apartment complex drive-bys.  You need to take that into consideration.

Thanks for your question Blondie.  I'm sorry that you've ended up in such a situation.  Hopefully, you'll learn from this and be more careful when picking up strays.

Tee