For example, if I ruled the world, I would outlaw jeggings, leggings, and any manner of spandex clothing that is not meant for wear unless actually working out. I know you’re asking, “But Tee, why outlaw them, they are soooo comfortable”! Well, I’ll tell you why. Because some of you broads have taken shit too far. It’s one thing to dress for comfort, it is something entirely different when the way you dress makes EVERYONE else around you uncomfortable. I’ve seen far too many misshapen butts and guts in the past year or so for me to conclude that wearing this stuff as acceptable behavior. And before you say something slick, NO, Tee does not wear these things. Why? Because I know MY over hangage would look a hot damn jiggly unrestrained mess. If it looks crazy to me when I’m looking in the mirror at my damn self, why on Earth would I subject anyone to that? Do you see that people? Do you understand what just happened? Tee, thinks of others. Tee understands that sometimes things just aren’t appropriate for anybody. And like a friend said earlier today, some things just aren’t for EVERY BODY. Don't get mad at me if this is a major component of your wardrobe. Be mad at yourself because your grown ass knows that it shouldn’t be.
If I ruled the world, I would outlaw lying. I have a personal rule: only lie for two reasons 1. To get out of jail 2. To get out of being put in jail. Other than those two reasons, I can’t really fathom a reason for not telling the truth. It's just foolish, and I don't understand why people do it. Like, lying about dumb stuff for people to like you. Or telling lies to your friends and loved ones to keep from hurting their feelings. Seriously, what’s the point in that? Your lie always gets found out and the thing that you were trying to avoid always ends up happening, so save everyone some trouble and either keep your lying ass from around here or tell the damn truth. I definitely prefer the latter over the former, but some of you can just stay where you are. See? I just told the truth! And it was damn easy. Truth is: I don't like being around some of you, whether you are truthful people or not. I know some of you are really into putting on pretenses and stuff like that so living a lie is like second nature to you, but check this out if you will. Lying takes away options. And I like having options. You take away my right to choose and I become a very unhappy camper. So let’s all try something new. No lies. Let folks keep their options. You never know, they might choose to accept the thing that you think is so heinous that you need to make up some dumb ass story to cover it up. Or you're right and they are gonna be pissed off like you thought. But you shouldn’t have done the dumb shit that made you have to lie in the first place so suck it up. Don’t be a dumb ass AND a liar. Neither is welcome in Tee's World.
If I ruled the world I would outlaw all music that sounds like it was produced on the Casio keyboard that I got for Christmas 1986. This pretty much affects most music being played on the radio currently. If we get rid of the mediocre music that has infiltrated the airwaves and turned the younger generations into little robots who only react to the sound of formulaic "hip-hop" with tight beats and catchy hooks we would be left with music that makes sense. The kind of stuff that barely gets any airplay these days. Can you imagine a world where folks like Talib Kweli, Goapele, and The Roots are more than just critically acclaimed? I can and I think it would be pretty damn awesome.
If I ruled the world I would eradicate jump-offs, hoes, scallywags, and guttersnipes. I mean they all serve their purpose I'm sure but I honestly don't think they are necessary. Think about it, once their work is done what do they really have left to do? Monica Lewinsky tried to sale handbags but her jizz stained dress ended up getting more shine. I think all but one of Tiger's side-pieces are back at the respective Waffle House's that they started in. Most of them get a little shine I guess. But their reality is one of shadows and secrecy, so what's the point of them being here? They don't exist in real life anyway, right? Well, it doesn't matter because they wouldn't exist in my world either. #deleteIf I ruled the world I would get rid of super preachers. Now before you mistake what I'm saying and run with it, understand that I DID NOT say that I would get rid of religion. I was raised Baptist and if I were to say something like that every good Christian woman in my family would carpool to my house to kick my ass. I'm saying I'd get rid of preachers like Creflo Dollar, Jamal Bryant, Joel Osteen, Benny Hinn, and Eddie Long. Why? Not because I don't agree with their teachings, I'm sure there's truth in there somewhere if you look hard enough. I would get rid of these dudes because there is only so much that I can take when I look at them. They are like overstimulating for my brain (and they stimulate the brain only, although I'm sure some of them....I see you JB and EL are interested in stimulating other things). So anyway, like I was saying, there's only so many 3/4 length suits with clown ties I can deal with. Only so many lace front wigs. Only so many cans of Dax hair pomade I can allow my offering to go to. Only so many times I can question whether or not a man named Dollar can be trusted with mine. [I would also like to amend the list to include Pastor Kearney Thomas and his magic oil/prayer cloths/vials of Jesus' tear drops that he hawks on BET every morning.] I really don't have the time to sift through all of the things that they do that gets on my nerves. So they would be out of here!! Maybe they can offer some righteous words to the guttersnipes so they can get their lives right or something.
If I ruled the world I'd get rid of Oprah. Not because that heffa irks the hell outta me, but because there can only be one portly black woman at the top of the heap. And since I'm ruling the world, dammit that's ME! I'll let Gayle stick around because getting rid of them both is just wrong.
Man, I could go on for days with this one. Like I said, these are just things that would make the universe more comfortable for me if they went away. So if the day ever comes (and it will because I'm working on a way to get a Disney show. That's definitely the first step one should take if interested in taking over the world) that Tee is the Super Supreme Leader of The Universe and All Galaxies Hither and Yon, you better hope you're on my team. If not....well I'll let you imagine all the things that could happen**. <insert evil laugh here>
*name changed to protect the "innocent"
**Lifetime banishment to a place where only Justin Bieber songs play *shudder*
Oprah portly, I beg to differ,
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