Dear Mama

Tee,

Could you please talk about mother-in-laws with black soul-less hearts?  The ones that are jealous of you and your relationship with your spouse because they are lonely ass bitches?

THICKNESS
_____________________________________________________________________

Dear Thickness,

pause[After that salutation I feel like I should put the obligatory urban "no homo" in this space.]play

First of all, oh my.  There's lots of anger there darlin'.  But I totally get why, so I won't judge.  Now before I can continue with this response I have to let you know that I totally cannot relate to your issue.  My mother-in-law is a sweetheart.  She's a little touched in the head, but who among us isn't?  I don't judge her for her wackiness and she doesn't judge me for mine.

But back to your question.  You are not alone Thickness.  I actually have several friends with this problem.  They are always talking about the mean and outrageous shit that their MILs say or do. The idea of bitchy MILs really perplexes me.  Again, I cannot fathom being mean to someone just because they are boinking my kid.   I mean I really, REALLY love my son.  But any broad that can take him and the bills that he accumulates away is alright with me.  Don't get me wrong, there are certain standards that this broad must meet and uphold.  Not because I don't want her with my baby.  But because I don't want any type of ratchetness associated with my family name.  That shit will get checked at the door. 

But I still don't understand being mean to the boo for no reason at all.  But I do have a theory, you mentioned it earlier.  Here it goes:  they are lonely.  Super simple right?  But this is what it has to be.  Only a chick with no goals, no life, no man, or no friends (or all of the above) would spend her time worrying about the goings on in another woman's home.  She's worried about you and what you and her son are doing because you took away the only thing that she had even a little bit of control over, her child.  Without that she's got nothing. 

You've heard the old addage "misery loves company", right?  Well, I can only guess that a chick with no goals, no life, no man, or no friends (or all of the above) is probably one of the most miserable beings on Earth.  She's just trying to pull you into her dark, murky world of miserable-ness.  Don't fall for it.  As much as you want to drop her with a "People's Elbow", don't! If you react violently, she wins.  If you act crazy, she gets to tell everybody "yeah, I told you Thickness ain't shit.  I told y'all she crazy.  I told y'all my son deserves better."

No Thickness, violence is not what's gonna win this battle.  This is what you do: SMILE.  I know right know you're thinking "WTF? Smile? I'm ready to murk this bitch you talkin' 'bout smiling?" Stay with me, please.  And yes, I said smile.  From this point on, say everything with a smile.  This works for me all the time.  You can say the craziest, off the wall shit but if you say it with a 1000 watt smile on your face and in a normal tone of voice, they don't take any offense.  Maybe because they don't take you seriously.  Which is fine.  You'll still get what you have to say off your chest.  You probably need an example, don't you? Here's one.  Let's say you are cooking pies for Thanksgiving dinner.  MIL is in the kitchen with you tasting and criticizing.  Your conversation goes like this:

MIL: Ummm....Thickness.  I don't know why I let you volunteer for the pies.  Next time, use more cinnamon. Damn.
You: Bitch, you can't be serious.  I've worked all day on these pies and I used my Great Grandmother's recipe.  I know it's bossy.  You are just a hater.  Get out of my kitchen with that bullshit.  *smile*
MIL: What?!?! I know you ain't talking crazy to me like that on the holidays!!!
You:  I'll talk crazy to you ANY day. That's the only shit you seem to understand you brainless scallywag. *smile*
MIL: I refuse to take this shit offa you! I'm gonna tell my son and then I'm leaving!!!
You: *smile*

See how that works?  You didn't yell, you didn't fight.  You said exactly what you needed to say.  She's the one that got so mad that she had to leave.  And THAT is what you wanted anyway.  Hopefully, she'll be so mad that she'll never come back.  Yes, the hubster will probably be upset for a little while that you ran his Mommy away but he'll get over it.  When you're a little older I'll tell you how to make him get over it quick.  ;-o 

So, I hope that little tip works for you.  If not, try not to catch a major charge.  I'm not trying to see you on a episode of Snapped or for them to make your case a special episode on Law & Order.  Good luck!

Tee