These Are A Few of My Un-Favorite Things....

Hello folks.  I took a couple of days off because I haven't been feeling well.  Anyway, you being the dear, dear friends that you are have truly made my days a joy by sending some delightful stuff to my inbox.  Lots of meddlesome questions, some crazy websites, and some youtube foolery.  I'll definitely be figuring out ways to share all of them in the future.  But I've decided to start with some of the letters.  This one is from a friend who always hears me talk about the things that "make my ass itch".
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Dear Tee,

You always talk about keeping a list of things that bother you.  Is that really true?  If it is, could you share? I really want to know what's on it.
A Enquiring Mind


Dear Enquring Mind,

Wow, you really have been paying attention.  But yes, it does exist.  It's not finite, the occupants of the list are constantly changing.  I've never written it down.  I pretty much freestyle like Jigga with this one.  In fact, I don't even list them numerically anymore.  Why?  Well, it's true that some irritants are worse than others, but I still don't put numbers on them because they are just too hard to keep track of because their rankings are constantly changing.  Like if #4 happens to be bothering me at this very moment it becomes #1 and everything else has to shift.  And because I'm constantly being bothered by something it's best that I just list them and not rank them.  Too much math involved otherwise.

So, you're curious about what's actually on the list? That's really funny to me.  Mainly because it's really no secret.  I've probably named everything at some point in the short life of this blog.  Well, no, that's not true.  New shit gets added everyday so that's kind of impossible.  So, yeah, the list is pretty long so I won't bore you with everything.  I'll give you the first 10 that come to mind.  Honestly, we probably have nothing in common when it comes to this kind of thing.  I'm very weird and this list reflects my oddness.  But you wouldn't judge me for that would you?  I know some of you have probably heard me call it the "Big List of Things That Make My Ass Itch" and well, that's really what it is. But that's not really what I call it. In my head it's just a running tally of dumb shit that I see everyday that really, really bothers me.  The name varies depending on my mood.  It's been "The List", "These Mumphucka Right Here!", "I Can't Take This Shit
Seriously" and many, many more.  Right now it's "The Shit List".  So that's what we'll call it today.  Remember these are in no particular order, the numbers are just to make things look nice and tidy.

The Shit List

1. White Shoes. I abhor, hate, loathe, detest white shoes.  There is nothing about a white shoe that is ever attractive.  I don't care how much you pay for a pair they will always look like you got them from the clearance bin at the Dollar General Store.  White shoes suck.  In my lifetime I have only made an exception for wearing white shoes for 3 reasons: my wedding, my sorority, my need to be seen as fresh in the 80s and 90s (K-Swiss and Tretorns only).
2. Waka Flocka Flame/Gucci Man/Soulja Boy. I don't knock the hustle of these guys.  What they do has obviously made them very rich men.  But dammit, not anything that they've had the pleasure of releasing should be considered real music.  You will never hear the jazzed up version of this shit in an elevator or while waiting in a doctor's office like I just heard The Roots "You Got Me". I guess the fact that such wackness could even get one spin, let alone millions on radio when there are so many truly great musicians that aren't getting shine.  Mainly because they won't shuck and jive like these morons.  It's really sad. And I guess that I should say that I know that these three guys are the reason for the demise of music.  I know it's not their fault.  Be we gotta blame somebody.  You don't have to agree.  But who really cares.  This is my list right?
3. BET.  There is nothing special or engaging about this channel anymore. It's pretty much MTV Black.  And that really sucks.  With VH1 Soul and TVOne I pretty much get all the black programming I need.  BET is not necessary anymore. It adds not value to my television viewing time.  I swear every time I watch 106 & Park my IQ drops at least 10 points and I have to spend the next week or so reading encyclopedias, dictionaries, and various other books knowledge to get some of them back. BET sucks.  Can we at least get Teen Summit back? I'd totally watch 106 if Donnie Simpson (in all of his chocolate skinned green-eyed geriatric fineness) was the host. Can we get some news? Call up Jacque Reid and Ed Gordon. Because what's going on right now is an epic fail. And that's before I start talking about the movies and the church plays they insist on showing.
4. Bad weaves/wigs. Look I'm so not against hair accessories.  I think wigs and weaves are awesome when their powers are used for good.  It's the horrible, cheap ones that really get riled up.  I hate to see a beautiful woman with a fly outfit and a lacefront that looks like it has been handed down generation to generation from all the first-born women in her family since the days before slavery.  I really need for people to realize that store bought hair is still hair and should be taken care of like it was grown from your own scalp.  With tender loving care and moisturization.  
5. Kids.  Look I love, love, love my son. I love him with everything in me.  But he belongs to a group of humans that bring me a particular form of disdain that even dumb ass adults can't bring on.  Kids.  Kids irritate me.  So much so that I try to limit my time around groups of them as much as I possibly can.  And by group I totally mean one.  And well any number over zero has me running for Xanax and clear liquor.  Kids talk too much.  They move too much.  They are just too, too much.  I so don't want them around unless they have to be.  I don't do parties, play dates are rare, and trips to places where large groups will congregate don't happen.  Because at those places I usually encounter a particular subgroup of kids that really makes me want to knock folks out:  Bad ass kids (BAKs).  This particular brand of irritant makes me want to fight when they come around.  And no, before you ask, fighting a child is so not a problem for me.  I will trip a kid if they get too close to me while running around like a banshee.  I will push a kid back when they run into me.  I will drop a kid to their knees if they decided they are grown enough to fight back.  And before you get all up in arms call the authorities, you should probably consider doing the same to the BAKs around you.  A good chop to the throat can be life changing.  
6. Perky people. I really don't understand why people have to be so damn upbeat.  That really bothers me.  It's one thing to be in a good mood, but to be so sweet and syrupy is sickening and should really be against the law.  What's the point really?  I know you are trying to make people feel good, but you only end up making people like me dislike you.  A lot.
7. Know-It-Alls. I'm not talking about people who know a lot.  I'm a firm believer in knowing a little something about a lot of different things, that makes for good conversation.  I'm talking about the jabronis who don't know shit but always feel the need teach you a lesson about something they have no understanding of.  To these people I say: Shut. The. F***. Up. You are useless.  Nothing you say is helpful.  Everything you say is an irritant.  Go sit in a corner and read a damn book.
8. Liars.  These should be obvious.  Liars are losers.  Especially ones that tell lies when the truth will do. 
9.  Oprah.  This broad was recently removed from the list but the shenanigans she pulled today with that who family secret thing earned her readmission.  I really don't understand why people are so drawn to this lady.   Look, I know you all are going to call me a hater.  And honestly, I don't give a damn, because in this particular instance you are right.  I'm hating on Oprah.  Hard.  What is it about her?  What makes people go crazy and believe every damn thing that comes out of her mouth? Don't ask me why I don't like her.  I can't rightly say.  But it started somewhere around the airing of The Women of Brewster Place. Or was it the fact that she came on stage that time in some size 0 jeans looking like a bobble-head dragging a Radio Flyer wagon behind her filled with hog maws, fat back, and bags of lard to symbolize her weight loss.  I don't know when it started, but my disdain has grown exponentially over the years.  With the largest peak during the Winfrey vs. Beef Industry trial.  Seriously, she almost single handedly shut the beef industry down. That's too much power for one woman to have. (FYI: When I said that I used my Dad from Everybody Loves Raymond as a police officer in Malcolm X voice.)
10. Local News. Local news irritates me because they never seem to report anything of substance, especially on the morning shows.  When I wake up I want to know about what went on in the world while I was sleeping not about puppies who found warmth and nourishment at the teat of a award winning pig.  Or how we ranked at #2 on the list of "The Ugliest Cities in the Country". I want hard hitting drama and intrigue.  That's why I stick with Brian Williams.  He gets me where I need to be. Yes indeed.

So, that's my list as it stands at this moment.  It could change at any time, because I'm easily annoyed.  In fact, I just thought of three things to add to the list while I was typing that sentence.  Anyway, thanks for your interest.  I'm not sure why you cared enough to ask, but I'm glad I could be of service.

Signed,
Tee