Conversations With My Son: The Kids Greatest Hits

Today is my son's birthday.  He has provided our family with 7 years of awesomeness.  It's been 7 years of copious amounts of laughter and joy.  Today while under the guise of doing real work, I sat at my desk reflected on all of the hilarity that he has brought into my world.  And I laughed and laughed and laughed.  And then I thought,  I need to share this with the world.  So today, in honor of The Kid's birthday I give you The Kids Greatest Hits!!!

First we'll start with a glossary of terms.   Of course our conversations do not center around these particular phrases, but they damn sure make me laugh every time he uses them.  And yes, he manages to use them in conversation on a regular basis.

Dude: everyone is a dude. Gender does not matter.  How a little black boy from the rough streets of the MD burbs by way of the mean streets KY ended up sounding like Keanu Reeves is a mystery to me.  But "c'mon dude", "hey dudes", "really dude?"  and "awesome dude" are all used frequently.

Herman:  This one snuck up on me.  I really thought Herman was a classmate.  I didn't realize that he was using the word as a verb until we were watching television and a particularly frilly young man came on screen and he said "that dude is a Herman.".  Being the dumbass that I am, I offered the actors name.  And he says to me "No, Mama.  He's a herman, he acts like a HER, but he a MAN...Herman." Really? This is what 1st graders come up with now days?

Hurtful: well the definition is clear.  He uses this word for any reason that hurts his feelings.  If you tell him his farts stink, that he has to go to bed, that he has to eat broccoli he'll respond in kind with "hurtful". One little word, yet it holds so much power. 

Seriously: I really wasn't expecting to hear this one for another decade or so, but I guess his smart ass development is not on my timeline.  Everytime his father or I do something that he deems unacceptable or uncool he gives us a *side-eye*, an *exasperated sigh* and a "Seriously".  I don't really give a shit when he says it anymore.  Like I'm gonna let a 7 year olds judgement affect the way I live.

Don't Judge Me: I take full responsibility for this one.  He hears me saying this all of the time.  And now he asks that we don't judge his love for TMNT, his disdain for the color pink, or his need to eat every two hours like a damn newborn.

So, I'm sure you're not impressed by The Kids vocabulary.  And honestly, if I thought he only used these five phrases, I probably wouldn't be either.  Then again, I'm not trying to impress you people anyway.  Just giving you a few of reasons to giggle.  So please get a load of what I'm calling his "greatest hits".  The things that he's said over the past 7 years that had me ROTFLMAO.

The Kid on Columbus Day:
Me: Stay at home day for me!!
Him: I know.
Me: Yep. It's Columbus Day. Do you know who he is?
Him: Um hmm. He's the guy that was lost and then found the Indians and made them all sad.
Me: Oh. Well. Have a good day at school

The Kid on Being Black:
I'm not from African America! I'm from Kentucky!

The Kid on Literature:
While watching The Count of Monte Cristo-
Me: This is one of my favorites. Its based on a book written by Alexandre Dumas.
Him: Really? He wrote about old people, huh? Those guys look like they're from the 1970's!!!
Me: *silence*

The Kid on Skin Care:
Him: *rubbing my arm* Mommy, your skin is so so soft.
Me: Thanks bay. That's cause I exfoliate and moisturize.
Him: Nah, I'm saying it's soft. Like soft. It's almost like you have a garanjular (glandular) problem.
Me: *blank stare* You watch too much tv, tomorrow you will color and play with blocks.

The Kid on Homework:
Him: Aww man Mommy my neck is hurting. Can I quit?
Me: No, change the way you're sitting that may help.
Him: No Mommy. It's my brain. It's too big right now. You need to lemme watch tv so it can relax and lose weight.
Me: *blank stare*

The Kid on Height:
Him: Mommy...are you short?
Me: No...I'm average.
Him: Am I average too? 'Cause I use the stool to reach things just like you.
Me: :-(

The Kid on Marriage:
Him: Mommy how long have you and Daddy been married?
Me: almost 8 years.
Him: Wow...and he still thinks you're cute?
Me: -speechless-

The Kid on Incompotent Supervisors:
Mommy I think she's a spy for the devil.

You notice how I usually end up speechless?  There are very few people on earth that can say something so ridiculous to me that I'm unable to form words.  In fact I can only think of 3, my good friend JP, my other good friend the Good Reverend Doctor, and The Kid.  They all are XYs. I'm sure that has something to do with it.  XYs are really good at Jedi mind tricks.  And the trick that gets me every time is making me laugh.  Laughter is totally the best way to distract me.  And because I'm so used to laughing at the foolishness and shenanigans in the world, it's hard to come to terms with the common sense ridiculousness that can come from these guys.  But let's also remember that two of them are middle-aged (at times grumpy) old men.  But the last one is 7, he's had nowhere near the amount of time to hone the ability to get under my skin that the other two have.  He's like some kind of virtuoso with it.  Ah well, I guess I have to get used to it.  I have 10 years and 364 days until I can legally kick him out on his ass.  Hopefully, he'll make the most of it by making me laugh.