Law and Order

I noticed something while snuggled on the couch watching football and various other snooze inducing sports with Hubby.  Men are simple.  I say this because of the things that were being marketed to them and the manner in which they were being marketed.  There are no serious commericials.  Even when they are about serious shit.  For instance, if I were an XY, I would take having small peen seriously.  But these guys put an old dude like Jimmy Johnson in a commercial for Extenze and he says shit like "Go long with Extenze"!! I laugh at that one for so many different reasons, but if I were a boy, I'm sure I wouldn't.  Microscopic peen is nothing to laugh at people.  At least it's not for me.  But they are pubbing this stuff like it's the next big thing (lol I didn't mean for that pun to happen, but that was pretty funny). 


Seriously people?

 And then there were these Shape Ups commercials that appeared to be played on a continuous loop. Lawd hammercy! First of all, a self proclaimed shoe-a-phile, I must say that the very idea of these shoes makes me itch! They are horrible.  Look at it! It looks like something Frankenstein's Monster would wear as a church shoe. Secondly, why is this old dude Karl Malone pushing them like they are Gucci's or Prada? Nothing about him makes me want to buy anything.  Except maybe a rotary phone, some Tussy cream, or some Ben-Gay. So anyway, I sit up to put some space between me and the big guy so that I could think clearly.  This was definitely a *pause* moment.  Did this giant man just tell my husband and every other man watching ESPN at that moment that it's okay to wear shoes that have a curvy sole?  Shoes that have a history of being marketed to women as butt builders and thigh shapers?  Friends, I believe I stumbled across what some of my friends like to call a "Man Law Violation".  I'll go into what that is a little further in a moment, but before I do that I need to get this off my chest: I hope that what I'm about to say doesn't offend anyone.  No. I take that back, I hope it does, because if any of you XY's are walking around toning up your tushies with these shoes, I hope that you are feeling copious amounts of shame.  And I hope that you are shamed into taking them off, manning up, and doing a couple thousand damn squats.  The nerve of you, walking around with this shit on your feet like it's okay.  No man, I repeat, NO MAN should be wearing these damn shoes.  It goes against everything in your genetic makeup. So if you're doing it: Stop it. Stop it right damn now!! Wooooo!  Now that was some sweet release right there.

So anyway, I said all of that to say that the whole idea of those shoes got me thinking about "Man Laws" and the various ways to violate them.  I know some of you ladies are asking, "Tee, what's a Man Law"? Well, according to my BMF (best man friend) Anonymous*, it's defined as an "unwritten code by which men live".  Really? Dudes have a CODE? A code by which they LIVE by? This is fascinating to me because most of the ones that I know seem like they make all decisions on a whim and prayer.  It's nice to know that there's reasoning behind the foolishness. 

Hilarious. SMH

According to Anonymous there are a vast amount of laws that a man should never break.  He provided some examples of laws that should never broken by XYs. I'm not sure what the punishment is for breaking these laws.  I'm guessing it would be up to the man or men who witness you breaking these laws to bring the hammer down on you.  I'm sure it's nothing I need to be involved in anyway.  So the laws that Anonymous has provided as examples are:

1. NEVER bring a date to a sanctioned mens only event, especially ones involving sports.
2. No certified man cave should smell of candles or fruity air fresheners. According to him they should smell of: wings, chips, hot dogs, beer, and leather chairs.
3. No man should ever sing a song written for or by a woman. Examples: Beyonce's "Irreplaceable" and Keri Hilson's "Pretty Girl Rock".
4. No skinny jeans. Period. Ever. Never. Ever. Ever.
5. Real men don't drink liquor that comes with pieces of fruit, glasses lined with sugar, or bendy straws.

Can you believe this? I actually googled it and there are like hundreds, if not thousands of dumb rules that guys should never break.  What I find so amusing is that guys really take this shit seriously.  Like very seriously.  So seriously, that it got me to thinking.  Why not have some Woman Laws or Girls Rules or Split Tail* Statutes or Double X Directives? I'm partial to the name Split Tail Statutes, but I'm sure some of you would find that offensive.  Anyway, since guys have these rules that they live by.  Rules that they never break for fear of not being "manly" why can't we have rules that keeps us on our "womanly" toes?  So, I came up with some of my own.

Tee's Double X Directives

1. No woman should ever venture outside the confines of her home exhibiting muffin top, booty do, back flaps, or any other forms of misshapen ickiness while wearing leggings, jeggings, halter tops, shelts, minis, cropped tops, etc. 
2. No woman large or small should leave her home wearing any of the aforementioned clothing without the proper foundation garments (bras, girdles, Spanx, pasties, etc.).
3. No woman should ever lie to a friend that looks a damn mess just to save said friends self-esteem.
4. No woman should ever date/sleep with another friends ex at any point sooner than 5 years past the expiration date of the previous relationship. You also can not get mad at the friend when she warns you that said man ain't shit and you still date him anyway and he proceeds to take out all his aintshitness on you.
5. No woman should ever get super sloppy fall down drunk and not expect her friends to talk about her.
6. That said, no woman should ever do hoe shit while super sloppy fall down drunk and then get mad when her hoeshitness is posted on FB, Twitter, or hometown billboards.

That's as far as I got.  I'm sure that I'll see something over the next days and months that will cause me to add some, but do you have any laws that you think should be added?  Let me know and we'll put them on the list.

*stolen from a pleasant, old, white haired track coach who didn't look like he would say something so hilarious.  But, then again, he also shocked a friend with an electric cattle fence so I shouldn't be suprised, right? LMAO