I don't profess to know everything, but I try my damndest to make up something so that I have an answer for all questions. Most of my answers come from what I call my "theories". Just about everything that I say, all of my non-religious beliefs usually can be traced back to one of my theories. Most are pretty random, but they all make complete sense to me. So much sense that I will debate you to within an inch of your life using just my brain and the foolishness floating around in it as a reference. My husband hates that. I'm sure most of my friends do too.
I've decided to share some of my less controversial theories with you today. I didn't want to give you too much because my shit would get red flagged quicker than a direct BBM to Kim Jong-il.
1. Every woman is one menstrual cycle away from starring in her own episode of Snapped.
When you are on your period there is always an XY close by doing the dougie on your last good nerve. What is it about this time that makes even a mute dude want to speak up and ask a million dumb questions? Seriously? How many different ways can you explain that it feels like the devil and his minions decided to build a pup tent on your ovaries and spend their free time dancing a jig up and down your uterine wall and you just want to be left the hell alone? I've counted 43,672 that I've used on my own. Maybe you have more.
2. Even the lowest of LSEs can find love on the innanets.
Thirst and desperation are running rampant in these streets folks. Some of the things that people do for attention just boggles my mind. I don't recall ever being able to photos of folks privacy without having to pay for access on a special site. Folks are doing all kinds of unnecessary stuff for attention. Like choreographing wack moves and dry humping electronics during these dance routines. Or a grown man covering himself in bubbles while basking in the glow of candlelight. I'm sure there are other ways to show off your Mama's garden tub. Stop it.
3. Politicians are not in politics for the betterment of the people, they are for the enhancement of their ego.
The threat of the government shutdown pretty much solidified my opinion of all politicians. Their level of aintshitness is above and beyond that of any other ainshit individual on this Earth. I believe that everyone who knows someone who would have been directly or indirectly affected by the shutdown should examine how this issue was handled by BOTH parties. Look at this and they way that other decisions that have affected policy have been made and make sure that you use this information to make an informed decision at the polls in 2012.
4. The Devil invented reality television.
I honestly never thought that I would get to the point where I would utter the following statement, but...I'm totally and completely over reality television. I'm convinced that the Devil and his minions have taken root in my HDTV. In the past week I've seen people participate in every deadly sin and every Commandment was broken at least twice. Now I don't profess to be the most religious person, but there's only so much sloth, greed, adultery, and coveting that my heart can take. That said, whenever I watch most shows, especially the ones with "wives" I feel like committing murders soooo......
5. The world will end soon because the Good Lord doesn't want the kids of today to be the leaders of tomorrow.
Have you ever heard of Ices Brown*? I rest my case.
6. Being an aintshit individual qualifies you to give advice on love and life.
Steve Harvey and Tyrese are best-selling authors these days and their books are not about telling jokes or singing songs. They are in the self-help category. Four marriages, a few mistresses, a bullshit Wendell Williams interview, and at least one domestic violence arrest between them. Just marinate on that for a moment.
7. The people who create the menus at Denny's are employed by Ghadafi (or maybe Castro).
Now I like a crispy piece of pork deliciousness as much as the next person. In fact, I'm not ashamed to say that Oscar Mayer thick cut applewood smoked bacon gives me immense amounts of joy. But anybody that tries to accelerate the death of the American people via high cholesterol with shit like "Baconalia" can't be for us. At all. I don't give a damn what you say.
8. Male aintshitness is genetic.
I don't care what folks say aintshitness is not learned behavior. I know some guys that ain't been worth a damn sense the day they were born. I'm not scientist, but I'd venture to say it's attached to the Y chromosome and that it activates at some point after conception but before the balls drop. You might think I'm hating on dudes, but I know for a fact that a child can be as aintshit as a grown man. For example, The Kid chumped me for damn near a month when he was around 9 months old. He had me picking him up and carrying his deadweight ass all over the place thinking that he couldn't walk but was actually moving and exploring the daycare like his name is Matthew Henson. But let me come around and he'd sit down and pretend like he had no use of his lower limbs. Aintshitness. At 9 months old. Eye color, hair color, height, aintshitness: you get them all the same way.
9. The economy has affected hoshit.
After having such an awesome 2010, 2011 ain't turning out so good for the hoes. New hoes impressed by the previous years returns have saturated the market. Supply is far greater than demand. Couple that with a recession and you get rappers are tossin' hoes out of front seats into the streets because $150 couldn't seal the deal. Gloria Allred can't get a jumpoff a book contract, reality show, or record deal. Chicks are twitter beefing over rappers with a hit and a half. Times are hard people. Good, clean ho type fun is no longer where it's at. I blame The Tea Party.
Well, that's all I can give you. Like I said, I have plenty more, but I totally don't want you to think that I'm a loon so I'm going to keep the rest to myself.
Oh, and sorry it took me so long to post something. Life has been pretty hectic lately. I'll try to neglect my family and other responsibilities a little more so I can write for you guys on a regular basis.
*Just thought you all should know that Ices Brown is sign #45939348293-344d and #12385485739 that the world is coming to an end.
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