OK, so I'm sitting down at my computer attempting to write something. I've had some serious writer's block the past few days. I blame Kris Kringle, but we won't get into that right now.
Anyway, so I couldn't figure out what to write about. When that happens I usually surf the innanets or my favorite blog sites for inspiration. And wouldn't you know it, I found today's topic on Crunk & Disorderly. There's a video on there by this chick that calls herself 1st Lady and two of her big boned friends. Now, before I go further in this post I need to make a disclaimer. I want to make myself abundantly clear that I am NOT anti-big girl or even anti-hoe shit (to a certain degree). I'm pretty much pro-choice on everything. You have a right to eat large amounts of hog maws and wangs, you have a right to sleep with every Tom, Dick, Harry, Jack, Raheem, James, George, Mustafa, Habib, and Bill. Hell, you even have the right to walk around in ill fitting clothing that makes you ass looks like it's eating your pants for lunch. You have these rights and if you CHOOSE to excercise them, then dammit that's on you. Who am I to keep you from that? But you shouldn't tape it, or walk around in public, or take pictures and post them on Facebook, Twitter, MySpace, eHarmony, Reunion.Com or whereever else you go for your cyber hoe shit. Because that's when it encroaches upon my life. And THAT's when I have to comment on it. And it's usually not nothing nice.
I've said it before. I appreciate a fair amount of tomfoolery, shenanigans, and foolishness. But at some point it becomes ridiculousness and all of the fun goes away. And these broads happen to be participating in some ridiculousness of epic proportions.
See what I mean? Like seriously? You gonna rap about selling twat on post it on these innanets? You gonna actually stand in your little sisters lace legging and onesie combo and talk about your "juiciness"? You really gonna rock an outfit that looks like some shit that fell out the back of Oaktown 357s tour van back in 1989? You really gonna have a video that looks like you filmed it in that kiosk in the mall that sits right in front of Build A Bear and Spencer Gifts? Girl BOO!! This shit right here is so far beyond ratchetness that there isn't even really a word to describe it. There are not enough adjectives, adverbs, verbs, conjunctions, participles, or whatever the hell in the lexicon of the universe to properly give this right here a proper damn description.
The first thing that I need for you ladies (and I use that word loosely) to do is change clothes, I mean I get that you are talking about trading coochie for coins but let's be provocative. Secondly, I know the hair and make up budget was probably close to what my son makes for his weekly allowance but Walgreens and CVS stay having H.I.P. on BOGO and I just got a flier in the mail from Sally's with yaki for $9.99 that would have done well in a pinch. Which brings me to three, if y'all are making so much bread offa selling p***y, why in the fuck are you looking like refugees from the island of Low Budget Bitches? If it were ME and I was on the net advertising my ho skills on wax I'd damn sure have a better commercial than this shit. Who the hell you think you gonna attract with this? I'll tell you: NO.FUCKING.BODY. This shit is so far from sexy that you couldn't find it with a map, GPS, or compass. Plus, I had to hang one of those pine tree car air fresheners AND spray some Febreeze to get rid of the stench. Get it together please.
2012 is real people. If you didn't believe me before, you better believe me now. This shit right here was on the Mayan calendar filed under "what the fuck". You can believe that. Get your lives right folks. The Rapture is upon us. And 1st Lady and her husky sidekicks just sped that shit up. *pouring out some liquor for common sense*
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