Reality Bites: Johnson v. Lozada

Chad Ochocinco nee' Johnson is having the best week ever.

First this happened.

On day 38 of wedded bliss somebody found condoms in the other's car and all hell broke loose.  And Chad decided to use his cerebellum for more than thoughts of stillettos and skinny jeans and gave Eve a shot to the noggin. He was arrested and told by a judge that he couldn't go anywhere near his boo.

Then....this happened.

On day 39 of harmonious matrimony Chad began feeling the fallout of his playing head games. Homeboy got cut by the Miami Dolphins and was left with a part-time reality gig.  It has to suck to be given a pink slip while you are recovering from having to force that county jail peanut butter sandwich and stale Kool-Aid down for dinner.

Until this happened.

On day 40 of this loving union VH1 decided to chuck the deuces at the reality show of him and his betrothed showing the world their undying love for each other. Boop! *NeNe Leakes voice*

And today THIS happened!!

On day 41 Evelyn flipped a table, hurled some Dom P at her assistant and decided that she was over it already.  And by COB she had filed papers to give her ChaddyPoo his name and number back.

So now that you are all caught up on the marital shenanigans of the Ochocinco's, let me ask you this.... Are you really surprised?

Like folks are all up in arms about this one like this wasn't a damn train wreck waiting to happen from the get go!  I mean he's a an attention whore with a women's shoe fetish who's privy to pastel skinny jeans and she's an angry sack chaser with a penchant for tossing dranks issues.

Nothing good can come from that.

41 damn days.

Some people are saying this whole mess is just karma coming back on her for all of her bad ass, loud talking, drink throwing, I-slept-with-your-husband-cuz-you-a-nonmothafuckin' factor BBW behavior.

I guess it's possible.  I mean every time I put bad shit out in the universe, I end up taking a blow to the head.

There's nothing like a TBI to get your mind right.

Others are saying that Evelyn shouldn't have been upset when she found the receipt for condoms. That she knew that Chad was about that philandering life before they said "I do" so she just should have carried it.

I guess that's possible too.  I mean, every time I learned about a boyfriend cheating on me I figured it was something that I did to make me deserve him being an aintshit piece of shit that can't keep his willy in his trousers.

There's nothing like being betrayed by the man that you love to make you gain some perspective on the world.

There are even some that say that Evelyn likely forced Chad into the situation by being verbally abusive.

Look, we all know that Evelyn has a slick mouth on her.  At times her tone alone is enough to make folks want to reach through the flat screen and shake the shit outta her.  And most likely she said some shit that took Chad to another level angry.

That doesn't make what Chad did acceptable on any level though.

Now he's been told by a judge that he can't go near his wife.  He's been told by his job to not show up.  He's been told by his side-hustle thanks but no damn thanks.

I'm sure his girlfriend BFF Terrell Owens is offering all kinds of support and love in his time of need.

Sucks to be him.  Gotta suck to be Evelyn too.

She's got no job. She's got no husband. She's got no television show. AND she's got no BFF because her homie tried to tell her to leave Chad's cheating ass alone.

Look, like I said. I don't condone domestic abuse of any kind. There are so many things that Evelyn and Chad could have done to handle their situation. Like....not get married.

As of Saturday I've been married for 4021 days.  All of those days haven't been easy.  It's quite likely that I've thought of murder and/or other felonious actions on at least 2000 of them.  But I never acted on it.  Well maybe twice, but there was no significant blood shed. So it doesn't count.

Marriage is HARD WORK. I don't think people really realize that.  They see all of the pomp and circumstance of the wedding and never take the time to consider what they are going to do the day after the wedding and the days after that.

Love is not enough.

Y'all better consider compatibility, trust, finances, work ethic, credit score, criminal record, how his/her family looks, and his/her entire genetic make up before you say I do.  It's not a game out here.

I really hope this is the beginning of the end of people allowing the world into their relationships and sharing all of their business on television and the innanets.  If not for all of the publicity I'm sure the 85 family could have figured out a way to work this out.

No relationship will be successful if EVERYBODY has an opportunity to see what's going on and comment.  Not one.

Oh and before I go, I have a small request.  While y'all all are out in these streets worrying about how Adam and Steve are trying to ruin the sanctity of marriage, please do Tee a favor and consider the damage that fools who only stay married for 41 days do to it too.

Mother's Day Joy

This post is dedicated to all of the women who have taken take out of their lives to love, nurture, and on occasions smack the piss out of a kid.  This kid may not have been born from your womb, but you loved him or her enough to make sure they didn't make an ass out of themselves and embarrass you and the rest of the people who share your genetics or zip code.

I salute you ladies.

Today's post is my gift to you.

The following are GIFs from around these innanets that I think will help you express your thoughts and feelings on all of the shenanigans and tomfoolery that you may encounter. I know they damn sure help me.  Enjoy!

For those moments when you promised the Good Lord you wouldn't act a damn fool, and somebody tries your patience:

or maybe:

For that moment when your child brings home a mudduck or other such visual travesty:

For that moment when your entire ration of fucks to give hits 0:

 For those moments when you've said all you can say and the next stop will be side kicks and right hooks:

For those moments when people bring their personal bullshit into your personal space:

For those moments when you realize that your child(ren) really does have some of their father's family traits:

For those moments when there are no fucking words...:

  or how about

 or possibly:

 or maybe:

 or my personal fave:

Anyway, I hope this little shots of heaven filled your day up with as much joy as they did mine.  :-)

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!! 

Love & Marriage

Hubby and I will be celebrating 10 years of marriage next month.

Every now and again someone will ask me how we did it.  How we have lasted this long in an age where many people don't even bother getting married and the ones that do don't bother staying married.  Well, there are a lot of reasons.  But, I can narrow it down to three:

 1. Prayer 2. Patience 3. Fear of incarceration.

You weren't expecting that third one were you?  It's the truth though.  In fact, I implore you to ask any person that you know who has been married over 2 years if they've ever considered murdering their spouse.  I guarantee 100% of your responses are going to be "Hell YES!!".

This doesn't mean that they don't love their spouse or that they don't care.  This just means that they are human.  Occasionally some humans can get on your nerves so damn bad that the thought of putting a pillow over their face while they sleep or tossing a radio in the tub with them doesn't really seem like a far fetched idea.

Diabla.  That means "she devil".

But they would never do it.  Because nobody wants to do life without parole.  Well, most of you don't.  Some of y'all are crazy.  Tee definitely has thought about it.  But no way would I do it.  Why?  See #3.  Because I'm small-ish, I'm cute, and I have a smart mouth.  That's a bad combo for a person going in with major time.  Diabla would make me her bitch in a nanosecond.  No fuckin thank you ma'am.

Staying married has been hard fucking work.  Really hard.  Like think of the hardest thing that you've ever done.  Now multiply it by a gazillion.  Now tell it you love it.  That's marriage.  Or at least that's what marriage is for me.

Thing is, because of all of the hard work a beautiful relationship grows.  My husband is my very best friend.  There is nothing that I wouldn't do for him.  Except go to jail (see #3).  That's just bullshit.  But other than that...I've got his back.  And he has mine.  That's the payoff for all the blood, sweat, and tears that we've put into this relationship.

So I decided to write this blog in honor of our years together.  For some research I posted a status on FB asking my married (and boo'd up) friends to tell me about the greatest lesson they've learned since being married.  Let me tell you, they filled my inbox up with all kinds of stuff.  But I don't want to go into all of that because my name ain't Dr. Phil and Oprah's hoe ass don't sign my paychecks.

Anyway,  they had some really good stuff.  Most of it I won't use here.  But it was good stuff.  So based on their responses and my own personal experience, I've compiled a list for you to use to assist you in making sure your marriage lasts longer than the the life cycle of a fruit fly.

1. Communicate:  This is the most major lesson that you have to learn.  Bad communication is the death of most marriages.  You have to learn to talk to your mate.  And by talk, I mean use real words.  Word that come out of your mouth.  Not text messages and emails.  Nothing says I don't give a fuck about you more than: "U R the best bb.  <3 LOL SMH :-) ;-)".  Sit down, look your spouse in the eye and TELL them everything you hate about them.  I promise they will respect you more.  And if you get out of the conversation with nothing worse than a stretched collar then you know you got through to him/her.  Also, make sure you tell them everything that you love about them.  Don't assume that they know.  In fact, act as if they don't know shit and make sure you tell them something positive every single day.

2. Honesty is the Best Policy: Fellas, I promise that there is nothing that you've done that your wife doesn't know about.  She may be ignoring it right now, but trust me, she knows.  So when she asks you about whatever it is, don't lie.  Please don't lie.  Tell the whole entire damn truth.  It will save you a lot of trouble later.  And probably some time in the ER.  Ladies, even though most men aren't as astute to untruthiness as we are honesty is always the best policy.  There's not point in lying when the truth will do.  You want your partner to trust you.  Trust is impossible if they think you are a liar.  And a relationship built by liars or on lies will never last.  There are only two exceptions to this "do not tell a lie" rule: (1) Lie to keep yourself out of jail (see #3 above) or (2) Lie to get out of jail.  Anything other than that is useless.

3. Give Them the Royal Treatment:  Royalty ain't just shit for English folk people.  Treat your spouse like they are the Queen or King of whatever little podunk town you're living in right now.  In fact, treat them like they are the Ruler of the Universe.  [pause]Ruler of the Universe only applies within the confines of your home.  We all know that that spot is reserved for Tee.[play] If he's hungry, fix him a plate.  Don't skimp, don't complain about him always getting the big piece of chicken.  Just do it.  Clip his crusty toenails, help him put lotion on his ashy back.  Whatever needs he has, fulfill them.  If she needs you to go buy tampons, skedaddle on down to the CVS (or wherever she buys her wares) and get a box.  Give her a back rub, buy her flowers for no reason, don't complain about her monthly shoe budget.  Treating your love like royalty means that you will get the same treatment in return in some way, shape, form or fashion.  Everybody wins.  Remember that.

4. STFU: Sometimes it's best to say nothing at all.  Sometimes lots of yakking and screaming makes matters worse.  Sometimes you just have to learn to shut the entire fuck up and LISTEN to what your partner is trying to tell you.  You'd be amazed at what you can learn when you are silent. 

5. Pick Your Battles:  Everything is not worth fighting over.  In fact, I've learned that most things are not.  This doesn't mean that you let people run over you or always get their way.  Not hardly.  It just means that the things that you are arguing about are likely not going to matter in the grand scheme of things.  Sit back and think about what you are about to go crazy over.  Will it really affect your life in such a major way that you are willing to lose out on some good quality time with your spouse by yelling and screaming about dumb shit? I'm not.  I'd much rather practice making babies that be mad and giving folks the silent treatment because he won't put the toilet paper on the roll the right way.  But that's just me.

6.  Laugh: Try not to take everything so seriously.  Life is much easier when you can laugh at the foolishness that your encounter (self-made or otherwise) daily.  Learn a corny joke and share it. Tell your partner about the dumb shit you did that day. For example,  I walked into a closed patio door once thinking that it was open.  Knocked the wind all out of myself.  Hubby still gets tickled at one.  I guarantee your partner is going to do some dumb shit before the day is through.  Make sure you laugh at that too.

So, there's a list of 6 things that you can use immediately to make your marriage a better place for the both of you.  Now do I always follow these rules? Of  course not.  But I try to adhere to them more often than not.  I believe this is why I'm still married and I haven't had to serve any major time in the clink.

Good luck with your relationships.  I hope everyone has the strength and tenacity to make things last for the long haul.  Life is too short to be alone and bitter.  Be bitter with the love of your life.

That's Love

So today is Valentine's Day.  Millions of people all of the world are sitting at home with a shoestring around their necks ready to take themselves out because they ain't got a boo.  No one to share this long night with.  Nobody to stare at over flickering candles at the Bonefish.  No sucker with whom you can gift Hershey Kisses and personalized M&M's.  Well, honey, let me tell you something.  Sometimes having a boo isn't all it's cracked up to be.  Sometimes, you get so caught up in the love that you end up doing things that some love starved yahoo who is in their right mind would never, ever, ever do.  Sometimes you do very, very, very dumb shit.  And you know it's dumb, but you rationalize it by saying that it was done in love.

We all have a friend that has stayed with the wrong person too long because she loved him.  We all know a guy that went nuts over some tail that he should have left in the scrap heap where she belongs.  We all have done something so ludicrous that everyone in your family hits you with the *side-eye* years after it happened.  All of us have been fools for love. 

But, I'm willing to bet the NONE of us, and when I say us I mean me, have ever posted that foolishness up on these innanets so that the whole universe can giggle at your simpleness.  I'd bet big scratch that no one in your Circle of Trust has ever done some shit like this:



It takes a special kind of love to get on YouTube with your bestie and karaoke a love song into a flashlight to your main squeeze on lockdown. But Mook and Pooh express their love on a regular basis.  They have a actually have a whole series, The Inmate Wives of Baltimore.  Check them out.  I'm not saying anything else.

And what about these two clowns?  Love made them take a family photo.  A prequel of sorts....

Now I'm not one to knock a persons parenting skills or partying choices...but...4 Loko and Ciroc?  I'm sure her love of that particular mixture is why she's in the predicament she's in.  And he had to love her a whole lot to actually take a snapshot of himself sucking from a bottle of Enfamil.  All I know is, if life is like this when baby comes that kid doesn't stand a chance.  He's going to be tossing Avent bottles around like Tom Cruise did the Goose in Cocktail.

And just so that we are clear, I want everyone to know that we don't discriminate over here in Tee's World.  We know that tomfoolery comes in every color.  I have no idea who they are, but I've decided to call them Buffy and Powder.

Buffy must have a some major trap door action to get this grown ass man to do some shit like this.  I can barely get Hubby to go outside on a very windy day without a jacket on.  She's figured out a way to get Powder to do some pregnancy fetish porn via a Sears portrait studio photo.  That's game.  From the looks of things, that Powder loves him some Buffy.  This picture makes me wonder if he's been stuck in the position since the day of conception...

Love is a dangerous thing.  Love will have you doing all kinds of unsavory shit.  It's a feeling so strong that it makes you lose all command of your good common damn sense and you end up doing record levels of dumbassness.  Love will have you stalking Facebook photo albums and statuses of his exes.  It will have you bustin' windows out of cars.  It will have you tattooing stuff like "Eldrick 4-Eva" on your ass. 

The Book of Love says that love is patient and kind, it is never boastful, and it never fails.  Well, I'm here to tell you folks, that if that is the definition of what to look for then it's quite obvious that I have NO LOVE for any of the people above or anyone who does anything like them. 

So, if you want to keep your place in my world, before you press record on the video camera, before you open your mouth to say cheese...STOP! Stop and think about what it is that you are about to do and how it will look to you in 5 days, 5 weeks, and 5 years.  And if that doesn't do it for you think about how it's going to make ME feel. 

Yep.  Just like that.

What You Won't Do For Love

Have you ever had to do something that you really didn't want to do for the sake of love?  Like made some kind of difficult sacrifice that made you feel like maybe love really isn't worth it?  Well, of course it's worth it but you know what I mean.  In that moment you think "what the fuck am I doing here"?

I made that kind of sacrifice today.  My husband wanted to watch a movie.  This is not the problem.  I totally enjoy watching movies with him.  His commentary usually makes the most mundane story enjoyable.  And usually he picks pretty good ones.  Well, with the exception of slasher shit like Saw 1-60 and this madness that he is making me sit through right now.

It's called "The Expendables" and dammit it is living up to it's name.  If it were up to me I'd be hitting eject and dancing a jig on the DVD but he appears to be enjoying it.  I will say that the action scenes are pretty damn good.  Lots of bombs going off and lots of people getting their asses kicked/killed.  It's the dialogue that's in between all of the ass kicking that is killing me softly.  This is some of the worst acting that I've ever had the pleasure to witness.  I mean it's not as bad as some of those black church plays that they show on BET but it's still pretty painful.

I should've known it was going to be this way when I saw Eric Roberts was in it.  He's NEVER in good shit.  In fact if you see him in the credits it's safe to believe that you're dealing with something that went straight to DVD or was only in theatres for like 3 weeks.  I'm still slightly disappointed though because there are some guys that I like in it like Jason Statham and Jet Li. 

The rest of the cast was okay but I don't think they took advantage of the folks that they had.  Like Bruce Willis and Arnold Scwharzenegger, they should have had them both strap up the Uzi's and get busy in the jungle with the rest of them.  Also, I think it's safe to say that Sylvester Stallone uses steroids.  Lots of them.  Often.  I give this movie 2/5 stars.  One star for the action and the other for the tattoos.

I swear love is a bitch.  It will have you dealing with all kindsa unsavory shit.