When Keeping it Thug Goes Wrong...

The following video is running rampant on social media right now
(source)

By now you all should now my stance on bullying. I think it sucks. I also think that the best way to solve the bullying problem is to kick the bully's ass.  And I'm not talking about a few tap, I'm talking lefts, rights, uppercuts, and body blows. I say go straight Mike Tyson's Punch Out on that ass.

I'm not sure if that's the right thing to do, but that's surely what I teach my son. Apparently, the little lady in this video who is mollywhopping the cowboy shit outta her tormentor was taught the same.

This makes my heart smile. It's okay for you to judge me for that. I don't have a single, solitary damn to give about your feelings on the issue.

I'm hoping that somebody forwards this to Drake. Maybe the next time he gets into fisticuffs with another girl he'll know how to defend himself.

Also, can we talk about the bully's friends? The instigators? Why is it acceptable for them to tape the fight on their phones and provide ringside commentary? That's not friendship. Real friendship is stopping your friend from getting her ass kicked. Real friends sneak a punch when separating the fight...

Anyway, last night I was minding my own business and catching up on "Scandal." I had no plans on even talking about this video posted above until my friend, James the Great hipped me to this little ditty....

http://www.hulkshare.com/y7ns5bqj6134


First I cried...and then I died! Y'all play too much!!

OMG y'all have entirely too much damn time on your hands!

I don't have anything to say about this foolishness. Mainly because I feel like Jade's dumb ass needs to be made a fool of. Hopefully she (and her ain't shit friends) have learned a lesson.

Y'all gotta teach your kids to leave folks alone. If you don't, you'll have parents like me who don't give one single solitary fuck about throat checking a kid knocking on your door and calling them to the grass. Think about it.

It's Been A Long Time...I Shouldna Left You

The following post is a summary of why I thought the Mayan calendar was right and that shit was gonna get really real for us on December 21.

A few months ago a friend of mine (and I use the word friend loosely) sent me this jewel from a precious little lamb named Trinidad James: 

It took me a full 7-10 business days to realize this shit wasn't a joke. Like this dude is dead damn serious. Rapping about mollies, gold, and niggas. All while looking like he just might be one of the last folks to step off the Underground Railroad.

I just knew that this guy was a sign that the Mayans were right. When he signed a record deal with Def Jam, I went into Doomsday Prepper mode. I hit Safeway shelves for non-perishables, toilet paper, batteries, and bottled water.

Then this happened:

A Tyler Perry movie that I think I want to see. I don't think I have to say anything more. Just know that after this happened, I began watching the sky for locusts and checking to see if the Patapsco River was flowing blood instead of water.

One of my followers sent me a video. It's Ices Brown. I said a little prayer before I pressed play. Then this happened:

First of all...why is this chick so damn greasy? Look like she bobbed for wings and thighs in Precious' bucket of chicken. This purple shirt got her giving all kinds of Grimace realness. And don't even get me started on the fact that she don't even know the words to the dang song!!

When I tell you I got down on my knees and prayed to the Good Lord for help?!? Y'all just don't understand. Ices took me to the edge and I was gonna voluntarily take a swan dive off. I also seriously considered tunneling a bunker under my apartment building. When things like this are happening in the world, you just can't take chances.

But even with all of this calamity, the world didn't end. Sweet Baby Jesus' Daddy said he chooses the hour and the minute that the world's rotations stops. It's gonna be a surprise. But that doesn't mean that y'all can keep letting foolishness happen. We have to stop giving him reasons to push fast forward. 

Let's do better in 2013. Please.

This Is Your Brain On Drugs - Sponsored by iPhone 5

OK so this foolishness was posted on my FB wall today by TuTu83. I'm not going to spend a whole lot of time on this one because you'll see why I was LMAO in a minute.

I just feel like I need to do my D.A.R.E. representative duty and tell you all that drugs and alcohol are bad for you.  They fry your brain and make you sit in lines for shit that you don't even know about.  They make you share information that nobody cares to know.  They make you give permission to random street reporters to tape your dumb ass and post your interview on line so that millions and millions of the world's citizens can laugh at you.  And you won't remember any of it in the morning.

Jesus be a 12 step program and some solitude for Rachel.  She needs some help for reals.


(source)

The Wonderful World of White Folks: Here Comes Honey Boo Boo

I got an email the other day in response to my Removing the Ratchet post. I really didn't think people that I don't know were reading this so I was kind of shocked when I saw it. LOL

Imagine my surprise when I found out that I had offended somebody! *snicker*

I won't be giving this person a name because the email upset me (not really, I'm just being an asshole). It was chock full of bad grammar and misspellings so I'm going to paraphrase what it said:

You always talk about how ratchet black people are and how they always do dumb stuff.  You don't ever say anything about white people.  You mentioned ratchet white people in your blog but you didn't show any pictures or anything like you always do for black people.

I do believe this clown was calling me racist. Or at least trying to make it seem like I don't have love for my people. I can't really be sure because at times it was hard to decipher what language was being used.  My Rosetta Stone was taken to the limit, ya hear me?

Anyway, the idea that I'm racist or don't like my own people is asinine.  I love black people.  I just don't like black people all the time.  And the same things goes for pretty much every other race, color and creed on this planet. You do dumb shit, I'll clown. Period.

I don't discriminate.  Everybody can get it.

Anyway, since I'm not white, it's kind of hard to vividly describe what white people ratchet looks like.  I only know it when I see it.

And wouldn't you know it...I saw a commercial on TLC the other day that set off all of my alarms! I couldn't find the commercial but I did find this:


*blank stare*

I'll be damned.

White folks, y'all are going to have to explain this one to me.  What do you feel when you see this? Does it make you want to take a nosedive off the edge of the Earth? Is there pride? Is there sadness?  Is there a odd urge to crawl into a hole and hope nobody remembers you exist?

I really want to know.

I mean know how I feel whenever I see Ices Brown.  I'm pretty sure you are feeling those same emotions.  But I just want to be sure.

Anyway, there you have it rude emailer who won't be named.  I hope you're satisfied.

For those of you keeping count Honey Boo Boo is sign #564805448054344 that the end is near.

Get your lives right.

SISNS: High Fashion Failure

This past week has been pretty damn awesome for me.

I turned 34.  I stood with one of my besties as she married the love of her life. Tom Phan gave me the pedicure of life.  And the men of Chicago found out that I'm beautiful (I actually plan on traveling the Earth and sharing my beauty with the world, Chi-town was just the first stop on my Share-It-Tee [get it "charity"? don' judge my cleverness.] world tour, dates coming soon).

I'm still recovering from all of that.  I'm experiencing a delightful combination of jet lag, sleep deprivation, and bullshit overload.

Like I said. The weekend was UH-MAZE-ING.

I'm still on a high from it all.  I'm talking smiles, a couple jigs and some jazz hands.

In fact, I wasn't planning on being in a bad mood until at least next Thursday.

All that changed this morning when I logged onto Facebook.  I know, I know.  I set myself up by doing that alone.  My FB newsfeed is where struggle and hard times have a permanent residence.

Anyway, I log on expecting to see some regular run of the mill fuckery.  Well, my aintshit friends certainly didn't let me down.

Look at what I just saw*:

Ma'am? 

And Jesus wept.

I'm officially pissed the hell off.  

Rasputia done went and decided to play Fashion Star and created nothing but epic failure.

Sooooo.....we just making 2 piece sets outta wife beaters now?  Like were there no man made fabric short sets left on the clearance rack at Dot's for this broad?  Where there no skirts in her size on the Rainbow clearance racks?  

What exactly is this kind of ensemble called? Why not wear a tube top down there? Or just walk out in just your Spanx and call it a unitard? Not that either one of those would be better. 

Would wearing a regular ass skirt have been too much trouble?

I mean, I know Juneteenth and July 4th just passed, but you just gonna celebrate by granting your ass and saddle bags freedom through the fuckin armholes of an undershirt in public?

Hanes didn't create the awesome cottony comfort of this tee shirt so that it would be used like this!  I'm certain when they designed it, the thought that the racerback would be used to swath the crack of somebody's ass was never, ever, ever considered. 

No ma'am.

Who cracks open a fresh 3 pack with such dark and dismal thoughts as this? 

Times like these I wish I had the mental capacity to invent a human delete button.  I swuhfogawd I'd erase this heffa off the face of the Earth!

Shit like this is why we are experiencing this damn heatwave.  Y'all can call it global warming if ya want to, but it's just Satan preheating his ovens.  

You better get your lives right and start calling out folks who engage in this kind of chicanery.  You can sit there and pretend like this don't matter, but I'll be damned if I let broads like this drag me down with them.

Nah.  Right now The Good Lord is sitting back and taking notes on which citizens of the universe have no problem with these temps.  I'm gonna sit here with all my fans pointed at me, the AC on arctic, my feet in a bucket of ice, and eating Klondike bars so that there is no confusion when He's handing out backstage passes to the Throne Room.

*Full disclosure: This weekend I personally participated in all types of shenanigans, fuckery, and hoodrat shit. But since no felonies were committed or Commandments were broken (that I can remember) I still have room to judge.

Open Letter: Dear Drake

Drake,

Hold up, before I start I'm gonna need some music to set the mood.

Okay, where was I?

Look, I've been trying to avoid writing this letter for a long time.  I mean my disdain for you is pretty well known in Tee's World.  The fact that I think your insides are made of strawberry Pop Tart filling is no secret.  However, my opinion of you was based solely on your musical selections.  Not on who you are as a "man".

But all of that changed this morning.  Why?  Because I logged onto my computer and the first thing that pops up is that you took a wine bottle and mollywhopped the cowboy shit outta Chris Brown.

Imagine that.  You are in a club full of half nekkid broads with your boys but your frilly ass felt the need to bitch up and toss a bottle dude? So Breezy and his body guard end up leaking fluids and your pink pannie wearing ass ends up in the ladies room wringing your hands and hiding behind the toilet in the big stall.

All that over some island poon that ain't hardly considering the likes of your satin slipper wearing ass.

Only a man who wears extra smedium Spanx under his jeggings would think that this kind of behavior is acceptable.

There's no way a dude with fully functioning balls would ever go to these lengths over a woman his never had a real relationship with. No sir, only a man who has testes full of marshmallow fluff would do such a thing.

You let your slip show son.

This kind of behavior is NEVER acceptable.

Real men flip tables.  They engage in hand to hand fisticuffs and the occasional Greco-Roman wrestling move.  They sweep legs and throw vicious right hooks. They certainly don't send perfectly good bottles of liquor flying through the air all willy nilly.  Hell, I don't know of any woman in her right mind that would waste good drank.  Especially on the likes of Chris Brown.

I have some questions that I'm hoping you can answer.

Since you appear to have never gotten over it, I need you to tell me exactly what Rihanna's twat is lined with? I imagine that it's gilded with precious stones and metals.

When she opens her legs do pink hearts, yellow moons, orange stars, green clovers pop out?  Do all of Heaven's angels hit their dougie?  I need to know.  She obviously has some righteous vagina.  I mean you out in these streets committing felonies and class C misdemeanors.  There are very few women on this Earth who can say they have felonious pussy.  The kind that makes even the weakest man (you) feel strong enough to do dumb shit.

What did you say as you were tossing that bottle?  I'm certain is was some soft and pink shit like "nah nah nah boo boo I tossed a bottle at you" or some other weak ass Canadian prose.

Did you let out a squeal when you saw all the blood?

You don't have to answer that.  I'm certain you did.

When you ended up in tornado position behind the toilet in the ladies room, did you cry? Or just whine like you did on "Marvin's Room"?

Will this fiasco end up on a song? And if that's the case how will you feel if CB attempts to body you on the remix like Common did?

Look homie, I don't know how you are going to live this one down.  I'm pretty certain that the good citizens of the universe won't let this one die.  I know I won't. You'll be hearing about this from me until the Good Lord waves the red flag on us all.

Peace.

Tee

When All Else Fails...Sell Some Tail

I have a friend named The Good Reverend Doctor, I'll call him TGRD because typing all of that out more than once would be more keystrokes than I care to deal with.  Now, TGRD is an educated young man.  He's got all kinds of degrees and most people would think that he's a fairly intelligent dude.

Well, here's the thing about TGRD.  With all of the theology,  grammar, mathematics, and other stuff that he knows that would make people think that he actually uses the brain in his head, he's got no damn sense at all! Zilch. This guy...this guy is the one who supplies me with most of my foolishness fixes.  Not because he knows that it makes me happy.  He does it because he's one of the only other fools in this universe that get the same kind of pleasure out of pure, unadulterated fuckery that I do.

So with all of that said, I guess I should tell you that today's post is dedicated to TGRD.  But because the conversation that we had led me to look on these innanets for some foolishness to discuss and I came across a story that touched my soul.  It's a real life tale of hunger and the will to survive.  Kind of like The Hunger Games but with prostitutes, undercover fuzz, and drive-thru windows instead of Katniss, Peeta, and 'em.

So, please thank TGRD - missionary, teacher, fuckery fanatic for sending me off into the wild blue yonder to look for this shit.  It's pretty much all his fault.

Take some time out of your glorious day to click the link from The Miami Herald. I'll be waiting to discuss when you get back:

The Skeezburglar

http://www.miamiherald.com/2012/04/03/2728952/woman-offers-sex-for-dollar-menu.html

What the entire fuck is really going on with people these days?

What exactly would you call this kind of crime? Mackin' for McDoubles?  French Fried Flatbackin?

Look, I've felt the horrible twinge of an empty belly a few times in my life.  But never, have I ever thought I'd head over to the local drive-thru to hand out BJs for burgers and fries!!  I think far to highly of mysef.   There's so many things that I could do before I even considered offering up The Precious for bargain bin prices.  I mean, where there no Red Lobsters or Olive Gardens close by? If you are gonna give up some tail at least have the courtesy of covering it with a nice cloth napkin before the deed is done.

Jesus be some table manners.

It takes some real, live balls to stand in front of a statue of the great Ronald McDonald and offer up nook for $2.75! I mean, ma'am is your vajayjay not even worth the high ticket items like McRib or Big Mac? Not even one of those sweet and refreshing strawberry and banana smoothies or a hot beverage from the McCafe?

What would Grimace do?

I'm so outdone by this foolishness.

Just in case you were wondering, that cool breeze you just felt was our time on Earth speeding right past us.  This is reason #43459445632358.187 that the world is coming to an end.  The Good Lord didn't jack Adam's rib for us to be making these kinds of piss poor decisions ladies. Damn.