Real Talk: Are You There God? It's Me...Tee.

It's official. I need to make some changes in my life.

I've been trying to write this post for a few days.  I don't really know what to say.  I can come up with 35 wpm when it comes to fuckery and foolishness, but my real life issues? I'd rather not say a word about it.

I guess you could say I'm a pretty private person.  

No, I am a severely private person.  I can count on one hand the number of people that know something inherently personal about me that I shared with them (rumors don't count).  I just don't make a habit of talking about me.  This means nobody really knows what my real fears are, what my real dreams are, or even how I'm really feeling about life on any given day.

I pretty much subscribe a universal nunya policy.  Meaning: it's nunya damn business unless Tee wants to share.  And I usually don't want to.

Which leads me to this post.  Over the past few weeks I've had several different people tell me the exact same thing about me.  Some of these people don't know each other.  And the ones that know each other don't talk to each other in a way that they would share information.

So...how would they know to give me the same exact message?!

I can only put that on God.  I said a prayer a few months ago.  I won't go in to complete detail about what I prayed for but direction and confirmation where in there somewhere. 

So what was the message? Well, apparently people think I should write.  Blog, books, articles, and shit like that. Imagine that.  What's funny about this is, I kind of always wanted to be a writer or at least work in the literary industry in some capacity, editing or proofing or something. But I've always been too afraid to really go after that dream.

Why?

Because me and failure ain't friends.

I'm deathly afraid of things not working out for me.  So much so, that I'd rather not try something than to say I couldn't complete it. The fact that I'm even sharing this kind of pisses me off.  But I feel like if I say this "out loud" one of y'all will hold me accountable.  You'll ask me a question about progress.  You'll call me out for inactivity.  You'll make me feel all silly and I'll HAVE to do something. 

Unless I don't. Which could happen. Because like I said sometimes I let fear dictate my decisions.

So, I'm going to make a promise to myself right now.  I'm at least going to try.  I have no idea where to start.  I'm clueless on what to write about. But I'm going to try.

In the meantime in between time, maybe ya'll could help me.  Give me some ideas.  Maybe that will spark something in this cavernous hole where Tee's brain should be. Virtually give me a kick in the butt.  And I do mean virtually, because if any of you try it in real life you gonna be hobbling around on one leg for the rest of your days. 

I'll try to have something complete before the countdown clock hits zero and the end of days is here. Ices Brown is gonna make this hard for me so I know I'm gonna have to step my keystroke game all the way up.

Republican National Convention = An Insomniac DREAM!!

I'd like to thank all of my friends for their RNC commentary this week.  

I usually try to keep up with all things political, especially in an election year.  But I legit couldn't keep my eyes open when I turned it on.  That mess was a like a real live melatonin OD. I'm talking the kind of sleep that so deep that you wake up and have to take a few minutes and remember where you are! 

An insomniacs dream.  

Reeps should bottle it up and sell it.  

Good night.

Reality Bites: Johnson v. Lozada

Chad Ochocinco nee' Johnson is having the best week ever.

First this happened.

On day 38 of wedded bliss somebody found condoms in the other's car and all hell broke loose.  And Chad decided to use his cerebellum for more than thoughts of stillettos and skinny jeans and gave Eve a shot to the noggin. He was arrested and told by a judge that he couldn't go anywhere near his boo.

Then....this happened.

On day 39 of harmonious matrimony Chad began feeling the fallout of his playing head games. Homeboy got cut by the Miami Dolphins and was left with a part-time reality gig.  It has to suck to be given a pink slip while you are recovering from having to force that county jail peanut butter sandwich and stale Kool-Aid down for dinner.

Until this happened.

On day 40 of this loving union VH1 decided to chuck the deuces at the reality show of him and his betrothed showing the world their undying love for each other. Boop! *NeNe Leakes voice*

And today THIS happened!!

On day 41 Evelyn flipped a table, hurled some Dom P at her assistant and decided that she was over it already.  And by COB she had filed papers to give her ChaddyPoo his name and number back.

So now that you are all caught up on the marital shenanigans of the Ochocinco's, let me ask you this.... Are you really surprised?

Like folks are all up in arms about this one like this wasn't a damn train wreck waiting to happen from the get go!  I mean he's a an attention whore with a women's shoe fetish who's privy to pastel skinny jeans and she's an angry sack chaser with a penchant for tossing dranks issues.

Nothing good can come from that.

41 damn days.

Some people are saying this whole mess is just karma coming back on her for all of her bad ass, loud talking, drink throwing, I-slept-with-your-husband-cuz-you-a-nonmothafuckin' factor BBW behavior.

I guess it's possible.  I mean every time I put bad shit out in the universe, I end up taking a blow to the head.

There's nothing like a TBI to get your mind right.

Others are saying that Evelyn shouldn't have been upset when she found the receipt for condoms. That she knew that Chad was about that philandering life before they said "I do" so she just should have carried it.

I guess that's possible too.  I mean, every time I learned about a boyfriend cheating on me I figured it was something that I did to make me deserve him being an aintshit piece of shit that can't keep his willy in his trousers.

There's nothing like being betrayed by the man that you love to make you gain some perspective on the world.

There are even some that say that Evelyn likely forced Chad into the situation by being verbally abusive.

Look, we all know that Evelyn has a slick mouth on her.  At times her tone alone is enough to make folks want to reach through the flat screen and shake the shit outta her.  And most likely she said some shit that took Chad to another level angry.

That doesn't make what Chad did acceptable on any level though.

Now he's been told by a judge that he can't go near his wife.  He's been told by his job to not show up.  He's been told by his side-hustle thanks but no damn thanks.

I'm sure his girlfriend BFF Terrell Owens is offering all kinds of support and love in his time of need.

Sucks to be him.  Gotta suck to be Evelyn too.

She's got no job. She's got no husband. She's got no television show. AND she's got no BFF because her homie tried to tell her to leave Chad's cheating ass alone.

Look, like I said. I don't condone domestic abuse of any kind. There are so many things that Evelyn and Chad could have done to handle their situation. Like....not get married.

As of Saturday I've been married for 4021 days.  All of those days haven't been easy.  It's quite likely that I've thought of murder and/or other felonious actions on at least 2000 of them.  But I never acted on it.  Well maybe twice, but there was no significant blood shed. So it doesn't count.

Marriage is HARD WORK. I don't think people really realize that.  They see all of the pomp and circumstance of the wedding and never take the time to consider what they are going to do the day after the wedding and the days after that.

Love is not enough.

Y'all better consider compatibility, trust, finances, work ethic, credit score, criminal record, how his/her family looks, and his/her entire genetic make up before you say I do.  It's not a game out here.

I really hope this is the beginning of the end of people allowing the world into their relationships and sharing all of their business on television and the innanets.  If not for all of the publicity I'm sure the 85 family could have figured out a way to work this out.

No relationship will be successful if EVERYBODY has an opportunity to see what's going on and comment.  Not one.

Oh and before I go, I have a small request.  While y'all all are out in these streets worrying about how Adam and Steve are trying to ruin the sanctity of marriage, please do Tee a favor and consider the damage that fools who only stay married for 41 days do to it too.

Real Life Skills: Removing the Ratchet

So a friend asked me to give a few thoughts on how to remove the ratchet from your life.  At first I didn't know how to approach this subject. But then I realized that getting rid of stuff just isn't that easy for folks. 


That's why they have t.v. shows like Hoarders and Cheaters. People get attached and just keep useless shit around. Even when the useless shit is harmful to you health and your freedom.


In this case, the ratchet is harmful to mental sensibilities and common sense.  These people will have you questioning your sanity and sometimes considering to join in on the reindeer games.


None of that is acceptable.

So here are some easy steps to successfully eliminate the raggedy ass ratchet folk from your life and make sure that you remain an honest, decent citizen of the universe. 

How to DeRatchetize Your Life, by Tee

1. Eliminate all social networking. Surveys show that Facebook and Twitter supply 87.23% of all ratchetness witnessed by by all individuals capable of logging on to the Internet.  And just in case you're some kind of math genius and want to know what happened to the other 12.77% check out Instagram and Tumblr. You'll find all remaining fuckery there.  Simply deactivate your accounts on these sites and you've pretty much successfully eliminated all manners of fuckery from your life.  No more status rants about deadbeat baby daddy's on Mother's Day, no more ass pics taken in a toothpaste spotted bathroom mirror, no more videos from Ices Brown, no more e-beefs with strangers via @'s and inboxes.  Just think about it.  While you do that I'll sit over here and hum some Louie Armstrong...

2. Get emancipated. Every single one of us has a sibling or an uncle or a cousin that you wish you could vote off the island or at least erase the DNA that ties them to you.  This person seems to thrive on all things dramatic and has a life changing crisis every 3rd day.  It seems like you spend half your life bailing them out, loaning them money, and pretending like you give an ounce of a damn about what's going on in their life.  I know you're tired of dealing with that, so this is what you need to do (in no particular order): change your phone number, move out of state, join witness protection, get a new face.  I know all of that seems drastic, but remember this is family, you can't just ignore them like you do regular people.  You can't just say goodbye.  Family never takes that kind of simple shit seriously.  You have to go out with a bang so they know it's real.

3. Start hanging with white people.  Now this one is going to be controversial, but stick with me.  We all know that white folks have their very own patented brand of ridiculousness.  But white folks ratchet and black folks ratchet are two distinctly different things.  One embarrasses you.  The other makes you proud and happy that it's not anybody related to you engaging in the dumb shit.  Why not hang with people who will boost your self confidence and love for self instead of people that make you wanna tuck your head and tip out of the room or jump off a cliff?  *NOTE* If you're white and reading this, start hanging with Mexicans.  Same rules apply.

4. Stop being you. Nine times out of 10 the common denominator to all things ratchet in your life is YOU.  So you are going to have to make some changes.  Like get a close and personal relationship with dictionary and thesaurus. Not everybody understands the gullah gullah island type wack text slang that you speak and write. Let's learn how to spell, enunciate, and form complete sentences. You might want to cover up that tattooed tear with some concealer.  Most employers aren't into hiring folks that advertise that they shanked somebody in lockup. Or how about you stop telling all your business to anyone who will read it and/or listen!! The most ratchet of the ratchet are folks that are always in their bipolar ass flip floppy feelings and feel like they need to subject the masses to that bullshit! All of that to say: take a break from being you for a while.  Pretend to be anybody else.  I guarantee the ratchet quotient in your life with drop to negative numbers.

Well, that's all I have.  Four simple steps to ratchet removal. I hope they help.

I'm pretty sure there are other things you could do, but I'm thinking that if you successfully implement these 4 you won't have to much trouble with life.

And just so you know, ratchet ass tomfoolery is not allowed in Tee's World.  Over here we watch the shenanigans from afar, judge it, laugh at it, and then go home to reflect on ways to keep all of the ratchet people away.

Some would say it's a form of segregation.  They would be right.  The civil rights of the asinine, embarrassing, and stupid don't really matter to the inhabitants of Tee's World.  Think about that when you apply for citizenship. 

Here's To Hoping Your Ass Gets Kicked Too

I'm sure you see the title of this post and think "wow, Tee, that's harsh".  Well, it should be.  The other day I was watching the news and saw a story about a 13 year old young man in PA named Nadin Khoury, that was beaten and kicked and tortured for over 30 minutes by a pack of bullies.  I know this kind of thing happens everyday, everywhere, but this particular beatdown was at the hands of a very special breed of idiot: the kind that tapes the dumb shit they do.

Nadin, reported what happened to him. And somehow, someway the fuzz got a hold of the video and proceeded to go to the local high school that they all attended and locked up all those losers! I'm not ashamed to say that I smiled when they showed those jabronis being led out of the school in handcuffs.  Some people say that this is some innocent "boys will be boys" stuff.  That more lives of young, black men will be ruined if they are locked up or punished.  That jail time and the media attention will ruin their chances for higher education or jobs.  I say, tough shit.  The dummies should have thought about their futures when their overgrown man-sized asses were dragging a little boy (who looks like I have 5 inches and 20 lbs on) down the damn street by his legs or hanging him upside down from a fence.

That story has been on my mind all week.  I know what it's like to be bullied (small + quiet = target).  The shit ain't fun and I'm glad that these boys are being punished for what they did.  I was also happy to come across the following clip in my late night insomniac innanets surfing.
Did that make you misty too?  This video reminded me that standing up for yourself (even if it's after the fact) is rewarded in many different ways.  Saying nothing allows the abuser to win over and over again.  Don't ever be afraid to use your voice.

*sidenote* Did you see the size of those dudes with DeSean Jackson? A universal takeover would be a cinch with some goons like that on my team. 

The Power of Positive Thinking

Soooo....what are you doing today?  I'm super excited because I FINALLY got rid of the boot! Hot damn and hallelujah! That medival torture contraption set Operation Get It Together (G.I.T.) back one full calendar week.  So I'm going to have to go extra hard to get on track. I'm not going to complain though, because without it I'd still be dragging my leg behind me like Quasimodo.  That's definitely not a good look, so I am eternally grateful.

Today I'm taking step one to changing my life!!! *Imagine me standing up, hands clenched, and shaking my head from side to side* OMG that was very Oprah of me.  I'm not sure if I'm cool with that.  Y'all know how I feel about that heffa.  I'm not going to hate too much though today, because I officially let her infiltrate my life about a week ago.  My friend Cylia suggested a fitness vision board and I had to go to Oprah's website to get to it.  I'm still a big enough hater to not provide the link.  Click on Cylia's name and she can get you there.  I don't want any parts of it. 

Anyway, the vision board.  I made the vision board because it's supposed to be a great help with getting your positive thoughts down on paper and out into the atmosphere.  I'm sure there's some fancy name for it that Oprah uses like "dream power" or whatever, I don't feel like googling it.  All I know is that I'm carrying around a copious amountz of gut meat.  My BMI is way above the MaryKateandAshley level that is acceptable for my height.  I'm down for anything that will get me back down to my fighting weight.  This board is my billboard for fineness. My poster for greatness! I've got deadlines to meet and bikinis to fit so anything that that will get me there is a positive.  Even if it's an idea that was forged in the fires of Mount Oprah.

I won't hang my head in shame because I went to Oprah for help.  There is something way greater going on here.  I'm trying to take over the world.  And minions will listen to a long, lean superfine leader way before they will listen to one that's built like a basketball.  So, if I have to use that lady as a footstool in my quest to dominate the Earth, then so be it.  Don't judge me.  Save all that hate for when I'm running things. ;-)

Despite the positive thinking and everything that is involved with this vision board, I'm also going to have to do some work very hard work.  I'll be doing another round of P90X and hopefully, I'll get to the point where I can run again.  I would really like to run a 5K or two this year.  So, all this positive thinking should get me in a two piece and running again in no time. If not...I'm blaming Oprah.

Links that may interest you:
Vision Board Tactics
The Vision Board
The Complete Idiot's Guide to Vision Boards
Using a Vision Board to Activate the Law of Attraction

Happy New Year!

*I apologize for the lameness of the gif, but Mahogany doesn't make clip art.*

Well folks, 2011 officially here.  I hope that you all had really good times ringing the new year in.  I know I did.  I'm not much of a partier so I usually sleep through it.  But, this year I toasted some douche and scum bags (respectively) and even stayed up long enough to see the fireworks and to hear the gunfire that even suburbanites are compelled to pop off on the last day of the year.  Ain't that some shit?  All this hard work and money I put into moving away from the threat of death by stray bullet and these cookie cutter homeowners out here are the still putting me in danger.  Remind me to write an angry letter to my neighborhood association.

As you all know this is the time of year that we make resolutions and promises to ourselves that we know we aren't gonna keep.  I wonder who said that lying to yourself is a requirement for starting out the new year right?  Well, since Tee's World is a place of truth I won't be doing that.  Well, actually I just won't be calling them resolutions.  Resolutions have a bad rap.  I'm going to make some vows.  And I'm a person that takes things like vows very, very seriously so you won't have to worry about me breaking them. 

So here we go, my list of things that I vow to do in 2011. Try not to judge me mmmkay?

1. I vow to be a better listener.  This means I'm going to try to wait until the person I'm talking to gets their entire statement out of their mouth before I label them a moron or ass clown.
2. I vow step outside of my comfort bubble and to talk to at least one stranger (or strange person) once every 2 (or 3) weeks.  This is a big deal for me people.  Stranger danger is real Tee's World. We don't really mess with folks we don't know.
3. I vow to lose 15 - 20 lbs. of gut meat.  I know some of you think wide hips and jiggle is sexy.  That being "thick" is some kind of badge of honor. I don't. I wanna be built like a #2 pencil.
4. I vow to leave the all the grudges that I've been carrying around for the past few years alone.  I'm tired people.  Hauling around all that shit is fatiguing.  It's time to let it go. I'm sure that will help with my keeping #3.  Hell, I feel 20 lbs. lighter by just writing this down.
5. I vow to have some real fun this year.  I have not yet defined what "real fun" is to me yet, so that will be announced at a later date.  However, I know it will include some people watching, story telling, jokes, and what not. Yeah, that sounds like lots of fun....

That's it.  I don't want to make the list too long, or it's all I'll be dwelling on this year.  Have to leave some room for the random stuff that pops up.  And considering the way my life is, I'm sure the randomness will occur more often than anything else.  If you are reading this you are officially my accountability partner.  If you catch me doing something that doesn't adhere to the rules that I've set for myself I'm going to need you to call me on it.  I promise I won't take it personally.  Hell, I'd do the same for you and you don't even have to ask me to. 

Remember to make some vows to yourself that you know you are capable of keeping.  Figure out some ways that will help you keep them.  For example, I've come up with a mantra: "That's Me".  I've decided to make 2011 all about me, and every decision I make will be based on whether or not it makes me happy.  So, whenever I need to make a decision or come across something that I may want to do, I figure out if "that's me" and if it is, I do it.  Pretty simple right?  If a mantra isn't your thing, try on picking out a theme song that you can play in your head when things get real and you feel yourself about to give up.  There are actually several songs that play in my head at any given time, but I've decided that my theme song for the year is going to be "Monster" by Kanye West, it gets me pumped in a very major way for so many different reasons.

Have a great new year folks.  I hope you can come up with some life changing vows.  And even if you don't, just continue to live the best one that you can.  That's all that matters anyway.

This Christmas

Christmas is about a week away.  Lately, I’m pretty much irritated by all things Christmassy (all things holidays really).  It didn’t used to be this way. There was a time when Christmas was my absolute favorite holiday (tied with my birthday which, in my opinion, should be celebrated as an international holiday, this will be rectified when I take over the world).  At some point I went from Sally Brown (letter writing and all) to The Grinch.  And yes, my heart is absolutely microscopic right now.

So I know you are wondering, what made me this way? There are lots of reasons, but the quick and dirty answer is… just living.  Sometimes life has a way of changing even the most optimistic individual into a pessimistic curmudgeon.  Not that I was ever an overly optimistic person anyway. I’ve always been a little more Eeyore than Pooh.  Definitely glass half empty with a crack in it.  But whenever Christmas came around my frown would turn upside down, at least for a couple of hours.  But the world has ruined it for me!

This is supposed to be one of the happiest times of the year.  There’s supposed to be lots of “laughter and good cheer” but quite a few of you have forgotten that.   Like where’s the cheer in cussing some lady out because she got to the last Easy Bake Oven before you could? How jolly is it to fistfight over a Tickle Me Elmo? Was it really worth it to trample a pregnant lady as you stampeded toward the $20 DVD players? And all of this is supposedly done in the name of gift giving and happiness? Yeah right.

Maybe this is my grinchiness coming out but this seems to be one of the most selfish times of year.  Most people don’t give in the spirit of giving.  Yeah, you say that you give gifts out of love and to see the smiles that you bring to the recipients faces.  And, I guess this may be true in some cases.  But in my opinion, and I don’t get paid for them so you can take it for what it’s worth, you are doing the giving only for the recognition.  You want to be the coolest uncle, the most awesome mom or dad, the greatest grandma, or whatever.  And you’ll do whatever it takes to get and keep that title.  It’s ridiculous the things that people go through to make sure their loved ones get everything on their Christmas lists.  Now I’m not saying that making sure your people are happy is a bad thing.  I’m saying that you shouldn’t do dumb shit to make sure that it happens.

You shouldn’t be out in the mall calling other moms the carpet because they snatched up the last sweater in Old Navy.  You shouldn’t be going into debt to buy laptops and cell phones for toddlers.  You shouldn’t be skipping bill payments so that your teenager can have $200 jeans.  I mean if those pants can keep the whole family warm, then go for it.  If not, tell little Tray’KeiShia she’s going to have to wait or get a job.  You shouldn’t be contemplating hoe shit to make sure hubby gets that watch he really, really wants.

The world has lost sight of reason why we celebrate Christmas.  This is not a time for extravagant gifts and over the top celebrations.  Although they are fun for most they are certainly not a requirement.  This is a time of reflection and remembrance.  We should be celebrating the birth of Christ and all of the blessings in our lives.  Not going out of our way to prove something or to outdo each other.  All of this madness is the reason why people get stressed, depressed, and anxious at this time of year.  It’s useless and unnecessary.

Oh, and don’t even get me started on all of the family issues that rear their ugly heads around the Christmas dinner table.  I swear it’s like people save up all of their dysfunction just so they can wrap it up in a bow and deliver it on Christmas.  And what better place to do that than at dinner when everyone is trapped and can’t say anything back to you because their mouths are full of delicious, macaroni and cheese and yeast rolls? You know that it's coming.  But there's nothing you can do to protect yourself from it.  Because Uncle Petey or Cousin Clementine are going to show their asses regardless of what anybody says or does. 

Okay, I’ve said enough.  I know you’re not going to stop what you’ve been doing just because I decided to get up on my soapbox today.  I know you’re not going to change just because I told you to. So just take the words I’ve said and try to own whatever applies to you. Remember, the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem.  Consider that the next time you launch yourself at top speed into someone who cuts in front of you in the line for cheap flat screen televisions.

Real Talk

So, I was sitting in the bed earlier and a thought came to me that I would like to talk about.  Everything in Tee's world is not fun and games.  Sometimes shit gets real, real serious.  And I know that it's probably the same for most of you out there.  Apparently, I have a voice and people listen to me (who would've thunk it) so I decided to use my powers for good for at least a couple of minutes this year.  So bear with me.

This time of year is especially hard for lots of people.  The holidays bring out the some of the worst feelings and memories for a lot of us.  These memories could lead to anxiety, depression, and other emotional issues that people are too embarrassed to address because this is supposed to be "the most wonderful time of year".  So I decided I'd talk a little bit about what your options are if you are feeling not so good.

Everybody has their reasons for why they feel the way they do about the holidays.  And people act on these feelings in different ways.  Some people get super crazy and go all Uber Elf and decorate everything from their car to their kids.  Some people get super creepy and send out Christmas cards from their pet cat, Snookums (with love). Others, get super grinchy and sit around with a scowl on their face waiting for it all to be over and wondering who let all the Whos out of Whoville and when the hell they are going to make the trip back. 

Look, I'm not here to ask you the reasons why you feel the way you do and why you react the way that you do.  I'm not here to judge why you feel that way.  I just know that you do.  And I know that if the feelings get so bad that you really don't know how to manage them that you should do one thing and one thing only: SEEK HELP.  This is nothing to be embarrassed over, you would not be the first to admit that you could not control your feelings.  But actually talking to someone and finding an understanding ear is way better than sitting in a dark closet with a bottle of Children's Tylenol and a Blackberry tweeting your cries for help (I see you Fantasia).

There are LOTS of places that you can go for help.  Your Pastor, Priest, Rabbi, Imam, etc. are always a good first line of defense.  If they aren't available, find a good friend.  Preferably one the is a good listener, and who won't make your emergency situation about them.  Unless, they can truly relate and provide some good advice.  In non emergency situations, a therapist is an option,  they would provide a nonjudgemental ear and help you put together a game plan to combat your feelings and apply those lessons to real life situations.  And if all else fails, and shit gets really real and there's nobody around that you trust or can confide in dial 1-800-273-TALK, the National Suicide Prevention Hotline.  I gaurantee there will be a friendly voice on the other end that belongs to someone who's willing to go out of their way to make sure you get the help you need.

Do NOT suffer in silence.  You are not alone and there a places you can go and people you can talk to that will help you sort out your feelings.  Get the help that you need instead of coming up with a permenant solution to a temporary problem.

For more information visit:
http://www.yellowribbon.org/
http://www.befrienders.org/
http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/