Sunday, July 28, 2013

Beyond Scared Straight - The Taco Meat Appreciation Episode

So I was minding my own business laughing at lunatics on Facebook when I got a message from my homegirl, The Lovely Lucian.

When I tell you I screamed and hollered?

Ooh Lawd, y'all just gotta watch this shit.

First of all, let us concentrate on how delicately the young white man combed that chest hair please?

Little brother combed that shit like he had nothing but love and respect and tender gratitude for each and every fucking follicle.

*moment of silence for his manhood*

And what about "Hustle Man"? I haven't had so much love for inappropriate damn behavior since Fleece Johnson stole my heart a few years back. 

And let us not forget to mention the deference KJ showed for Mr. Taco Meat when he politely declined his Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday natural hair care shift?

Listen, I know it's been a while since I've been around here, but nothing has moved me as much as this has moved me in a very, very long time.

This is some high class fuckery right here people. Y'all need to savor it. I know I am.

Also, if you're still keeping count. This right here is going to be one of the reasons that the Good Lord slams both feet down on the brakes. Civilization doesn't stand a damn chance.

Saturday, February 16, 2013

Ripped from the Headlines: Man Slaps Baby On Plane, After Calling The Kid A Nigger

So the yesterday my homie Money Mike the King of All Goons, sent me this article:
FEBRUARY 15--After demanding that the mother of a crying toddler “shut that nigger baby up,” a male passenger allegedly slapped the 19-month-old across the face as a flight prepared to land in Atlanta last Friday evening, The Smoking Gun has learned.
The shocking February 8 incident aboard Delta Airlines Flight 721 resulted in Joe Rickey Hundley, 60, being charged with simple assault, according to a U.S. District Court affidavit. Hundley, seen at right, is president of an aircraft parts manufacturer headquartered in Hayden, Idaho.
In an interview, Hundley denied striking the toddler or using a racial slur, though he did acknowledge that he “asked the mother to quiet the child.” Hundley, who said he was traveling to Atlanta to visit a hospitalized relative, described himself as “distraught” on the flight, during which he said he consumed a single alcoholic drink.
As detailed by FBI Agent Daron Cheney, Hundley was traveling to Atlanta from Minneapolis in seat 28A on the MD-90 twin-engine jet. He was seated next to Jessica Bennett, who shared seat 28B with her son Jonah.
Bennett, 33, told investigators that the “aircraft was in final descent” to Hartsfield-Jackson International Airport when her child “started to cry due to the altitude change.” Bennett added that she “was trying to get [her son] to stop crying, but he continued.”
At this point, Bennett recalled, Hundley used the racial epithet as he told her to shut the child up. He then allegedly “turned around and slapped” the toddler in the face “with an open hand, which caused the juvenile victim to scream even louder.” The slap, Bennett said, “caused a scratch below [the child’s] right eye.”
After Hundley hit the child, Agent Cheney reported, Bennett received assistance from several other passengers, including Todd Wooten, who was in seat 16C. Wooten told agents that he “heard derogatory language coming from the rear of the aircraft” and got up to investigate. “According to Mr. Wooten,” Cheney noted, “he saw Joe Rickey Hundley strike” the toddler.
Bennett told TSG that she believed Hundley was intoxicated when he boarded the plane, adding that he “reeked of alcohol” and was “stumbling around wasted.” Bennett, who was traveling to a family funeral, said that Hundley drank several double vodkas during the two-hour flight and complained to her that her adopted son, seen at left, was too big to be a “lap baby.” Bennett’s Facebook profile photo shows her holding Jonah when he was a baby.
Hundley was charged this week with simple assault, according to a criminal complaint filed in federal court in Atlanta. If convicted of the misdemeanor count, he faces a maximum of one year in prison.
According to Virginia state court records, Hundley was arrested in 2007 following a fight with his girlfriend. Initially charged with simple assault, carrying a concealed weapon, and public intoxication, Hundley subsequently pleaded guilty to the misdemeanor assault rap. Hundley told TSG that the weapon he allegedly brandished was a wine corkscrew.

I'm gonna be honest and tell you that I didn't finish the entire article. I blacked out after I read that this motherfucker put his hands on the baby. 
My first thought when I came to?
I wish I may, I wish I might, cut the first clown that tries me tonight. 

I knew in .000035268 seconds what my reaction would have been in this situation. In no uncertain terms, I would have tried to rip that man's heart out through the back of his head.
Some of you may think that this is an overreaction. Judge me if you want. But there are 2 rules that I have that should never, ever, EVER be broken: 1. Don't touch me. 2. Don't touch my child. 
I am a strong believer in personal space. Gimme my 50 feet please and thank you. All violators of #1 will be issued a summons. And by summons I mean cussed all the way out. When it comes to touching my kid though? A summons is no where near punishment enough. 
The punishment for violating rule #2 is corporal. 
I swear to GAWD! I would have jumped on his back like a spider monkey and proceeded to wring all sources of life from his person.
I'm completely certain that the headline would have read: "Mother of Child Who Was Slapped By Geriatric Assclown Brings Whole Damn Plane Down in a Fit of Rage" or something like that. The skies would have been so damn unfriendly.
You wanna see some shit shut down? Put your hand on my kid without my explicit permission.
I'm going to be on you in such an epic Tasmanian Devil like manner that you won't even be able to defend yourself before your ass has been kicked 2 or 3 times. 
You want to hit my seed? No sir. Not acceptable at anytime.  You wanna slap kids and think that everything is all good? Nah, son. We don't play those kind of games.
That's grounds for major clap back. 
The great poet Tupac Shakur once said, "I'm not a killer, put don't push me." This is the kind of mess that would push me all the way over the edge. 
I give zero fucks about how your family is gonna feel at your funeral sir. Touch what's mine and there's gonna be some slow singin' and flower bringin'. Period.
This is another sign that the King Jesus is gassing up his chariot for the Rapture. Ain't no way he's gonna let the world keep spinning when foolishness like this is happening. Ain't no way.

Saturday, February 2, 2013

When Keeping it Thug Goes Wrong...

The following video is running rampant on social media right now

By now you all should now my stance on bullying. I think it sucks. I also think that the best way to solve the bullying problem is to kick the bully's ass.  And I'm not talking about a few tap, I'm talking lefts, rights, uppercuts, and body blows. I say go straight Mike Tyson's Punch Out on that ass.

I'm not sure if that's the right thing to do, but that's surely what I teach my son. Apparently, the little lady in this video who is mollywhopping the cowboy shit outta her tormentor was taught the same.

This makes my heart smile. It's okay for you to judge me for that. I don't have a single, solitary damn to give about your feelings on the issue.

I'm hoping that somebody forwards this to Drake. Maybe the next time he gets into fisticuffs with another girl he'll know how to defend himself.

Also, can we talk about the bully's friends? The instigators? Why is it acceptable for them to tape the fight on their phones and provide ringside commentary? That's not friendship. Real friendship is stopping your friend from getting her ass kicked. Real friends sneak a punch when separating the fight...

Anyway, last night I was minding my own business and catching up on "Scandal." I had no plans on even talking about this video posted above until my friend, James the Great hipped me to this little ditty....

First I cried...and then I died! Y'all play too much!!

OMG y'all have entirely too much damn time on your hands!

I don't have anything to say about this foolishness. Mainly because I feel like Jade's dumb ass needs to be made a fool of. Hopefully she (and her ain't shit friends) have learned a lesson.

Y'all gotta teach your kids to leave folks alone. If you don't, you'll have parents like me who don't give one single solitary fuck about throat checking a kid knocking on your door and calling them to the grass. Think about it.

Monday, January 21, 2013

Sing, Sing, Celebrate: Martin Luther King, Jr. and the Ratchet Artists Who Love Him

Today we celebrate the birth of one of the greatest civil rights leaders in our nations history, Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. 

 Many of us will honor his memory by participating in service projects. Others will relax and take advantage of the day off from work. 

Because MLK would say "way to go bro" on the National Mall...
And then there are the other citizens of the universe who will sit at their computers for hours scouring the innanets for pictures and then work diligently trying to tie together, Dr. King, President Obama, Nelson Mandela, Malcolm X, James Brown, Trayvon Martin, and their cousin Day Day. All in the name of the dream.

There will be galas, brunches, parades, and all other manners of celebrations in his honor. Including this soiree put on by the Pensacola Power Circle:

Excuse me for a moment while I close my eyes and wish that this shit ain't here when I open them again.
Damn. Didn't work. Welp, this one gets the blankest of stares and the most epic side-eye a girl can muster.

This is the part of black culture that I hate. My people can always find a way to take something that is respectful and honorable and create the most ratchet shit ever.

Really? We just gonna take a picture of The King and throw some Beats by Dre's on him? What exactly is this for? Are we tryna give the man street cred? 

I wish my mind was feeble, so that I could understand what is really going on. Okay, I'm lying. I'm pretty proud that my mind doesn't work this way. I think it's utterly disrespectful to put some Beats by Dre's on The King. Everybody knows he enjoyed the smooth sound of Thelonious Monk being played on his trusty victrola. 

I just know when folks walk in there will be nothing but the distinctive aroma of weed, sweat, and failure. 

I thought that nothing could get worse than turning the King into a 106 & Park VJ...then I saw this...

MLK bad looking like a bag o'money...

I should have known nothing good would come of it when I saw that the B.O.S.S.N.I.G.G.A.Z. were the one's putting on the function. I mean, I guess it makes sense though seeing as how it's all for Bad Bitch Sunday...

Although, I'm certain that the good Doctor relaxed with a nice glass of Henny every now and again, I'm pretty sure that he would never chill in front of somebody's Nikon flexing with the church offering and one of the members of the Mother Board in her draws. 

Why is this okay? Who approved this shit? I'm just know that there is one of these floating around with the man chilling in a wicker chair with 2 or 3 hoes on his lap or planking on a stack of money in front of a Biggie/Tupac airbrushed backdrop. Because that's what he was all about really. Money, hoes, and equality for all.

Pinky rings, Polo's, and processes...

I don't even have the words... so I'll just show you my reaction...

The people of the world with good common sense would like to request that all of you bootleg computer artists cease and desist. You are making us all look bad. And you are making the Good Lord   reconsider not rebooting the matrix. 

Monday, December 31, 2012

It's Been A Long Time...I Shouldna Left You

The following post is a summary of why I thought the Mayan calendar was right and that shit was gonna get really real for us on December 21.

A few months ago a friend of mine (and I use the word friend loosely) sent me this jewel from a precious little lamb named Trinidad James: 

It took me a full 7-10 business days to realize this shit wasn't a joke. Like this dude is dead damn serious. Rapping about mollies, gold, and niggas. All while looking like he just might be one of the last folks to step off the Underground Railroad.

I just knew that this guy was a sign that the Mayans were right. When he signed a record deal with Def Jam, I went into Doomsday Prepper mode. I hit Safeway shelves for non-perishables, toilet paper, batteries, and bottled water.

Then this happened:

A Tyler Perry movie that I think I want to see. I don't think I have to say anything more. Just know that after this happened, I began watching the sky for locusts and checking to see if the Patapsco River was flowing blood instead of water.

One of my followers sent me a video. It's Ices Brown. I said a little prayer before I pressed play. Then this happened:

First of all...why is this chick so damn greasy? Look like she bobbed for wings and thighs in Precious' bucket of chicken. This purple shirt got her giving all kinds of Grimace realness. And don't even get me started on the fact that she don't even know the words to the dang song!!

When I tell you I got down on my knees and prayed to the Good Lord for help?!? Y'all just don't understand. Ices took me to the edge and I was gonna voluntarily take a swan dive off. I also seriously considered tunneling a bunker under my apartment building. When things like this are happening in the world, you just can't take chances.

But even with all of this calamity, the world didn't end. Sweet Baby Jesus' Daddy said he chooses the hour and the minute that the world's rotations stops. It's gonna be a surprise. But that doesn't mean that y'all can keep letting foolishness happen. We have to stop giving him reasons to push fast forward. 

Let's do better in 2013. Please.

Saturday, October 13, 2012

Election 2012: Real Life Foolishness

2012 is an election year. I'm not going to talk about who you should be voting for. I'm not going to discuss whether or not your decision is right or whether it's wrong.  In fact, I'm not going to say much at all.

I'm gonna let this here picture speak for itself. I'm just going tell you that as much as I *heart* ratchetness and tomfoolery, this kind of ignorance is not acceptable.

Shirts like this let me know that as much as people would like to say that things are different, they really aren't.

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

This Is Your Brain On Drugs - Sponsored by iPhone 5

OK so this foolishness was posted on my FB wall today by TuTu83. I'm not going to spend a whole lot of time on this one because you'll see why I was LMAO in a minute.

I just feel like I need to do my D.A.R.E. representative duty and tell you all that drugs and alcohol are bad for you.  They fry your brain and make you sit in lines for shit that you don't even know about.  They make you share information that nobody cares to know.  They make you give permission to random street reporters to tape your dumb ass and post your interview on line so that millions and millions of the world's citizens can laugh at you.  And you won't remember any of it in the morning.

Jesus be a 12 step program and some solitude for Rachel.  She needs some help for reals.