Left Behind

A conversation with friends inspired the following post.  We were discussing things that we would leave behind in this decade and the things that we would keep.  In my opinion, the things left behind was the most interesting part of the topic for me, because that’s the one that required the most thought.   So many things have happened in the past 10 years that there are plenty of things to choose from.  During 2000-2010 I learned a lot about the world and the people in it.  Most of the lessons I’ve learned will be with me for the rest of my life.  Probably because most of them I learned due to some kind of trauma or tragedy.  So yeah, I’ll be damn glad to see this decade go away.  And I’m damn glad to be venting about the things that need to be left behind, never to be heard from again.

I guess the easiest thing to do would be to just leave everything.  To just start with a clean slate in 2011.  Now, I know that’s not realistic.  At least not with me, I swear when Erykah Badu wrote “Bag Lady” she was talking about me.  When I decide to hold on to some shit, I get a hold tight and I don’t let go.  Maybe it’s because I’m a Cancer, and am naturally super emotional.  Who knows?  Which just now led to a random thought: wouldn’t that be an awesome TLC show? Emotional Hoarders…hmmmmmm.  Anyway, instead of talking about the things that I share with my therapist, because I believe that violates HIPPA; let’s talk about the things that I would leave behind.

First and foremost, I would leave behind the wars currently being fought in Afghanistan and Iraq.  I’m all about peace.  And I honestly don’t understand what we are fighting these wars for.  I get that we are fighting against terrorism, but it seems like we are fighting against the wrong people.  I mean it’s possible that I’m missing something.  But are we really fighting 2 wars because we are trying to find one man?  The fact that this dude can’t be located really puzzles me.  We can find ANYBODY. And by anybody I mean anybody.  We have the technological ability to find the exact location to the centimeter of a wanted person who makes the mistake of farting in a high wind at noon on an off day, but not an aging 7 foot tall Middle Eastern man with bad kidneys and a bad attitude?  I’m not well versed on these things, but for some reason I’m thinking that that particular variety of man is probably pretty rare.  Anyway, I say leave the wars behind.  Let’s spend that money on fighting battles on domestic soil.  Like homelessness, healthcare, and equal opportunities for all.  Yes, that was very bleeding heart liberal of me.  So what?  I have my soft and pink moments on occasion.

I would definitely leave “Wives” shows behind.  I’m not sure when reality television became the only type of television that sells.  But why on Earth are these chicks considered entertaining?  These women are horrible.  All of them.  None of them are relatable.  They all have bad attitudes.  And how many of them are actually wives? Seriously, I can tell you exactly how an episode of Basketball Wives is going to go.  Scene 1: they all sit around a table drinking and trying to look pretty. Scene 2: All hell breaks loose at the dinner after one of them decides to call another one out for talking about her behind her back to another back stabber that she’s not mad at…yet.  Scene 3: Somebody gets a drink thrown in their face. End Scene.  Football Wives is no better.  All of the women seem extra miserable and unhappy.  And even though all of them are actually married, I’m not sure a couple of them are actually women.  I don’t care what any of you say, some of those chicks are going to have to show me a uterine ultrasound for me to actually believe that she’s currently working with the parts that she was born with.  And I totally cannot forget the Housewives franchise.  Every single heffa on every single show is out of her rabbit ass mind.  Every single damn one.  If you can name one normal one from ANY of the shows please let me know, because I haven’t been able to identify a sane brain on any season.  It all started with those touched Orange County crazies and it’s gotten progressively worse with every new area code that they add to the franchise.  They are filled with nothing but money, messiness, and misery.  At first it was entertaining but now it’s just sad.  So yeah, let’s go ahead and leave these types of shows behind.

I think it goes without saying that this piss poor economy that we are dealing with should be left behind.  The recession sucks! I want the days of affordable housing, cheap gas, and buying nice handbags and shoes without guilt back.  I want everyone to be able to enjoy the goodness that is purchasing things that make them tingle and smile.  If I ruled the world that would be a constitutional right, the right to purchase tingle worthy greatness whenever you damn well please.  Something has to be done to right this ship.  And hopefully it will be done in 2011, because I’m voting that the recession be over as of 11:59 p.m. on December 31.

If nobody minds, I’d also like to leave Moscato, Muscahtoe, Moscatuh, Moosekatoe, and all of the other variations of that damn wine in the dust.  I’m super sick of people saying that this is all that they drink like is some fine shit that been in somebody’s wine cellar collecting dust since 1947 just waiting on a special occasion.  You can buy the shit in Walgreen’s for like $5 a bottle.  I think it might even come in a box with a spout.  It’s just ridiculous that all these folks think they are doing something big because some rapper told them that it was the current drink of choice.  I also say leave it because if the people who are drinking it don’t have sense enough to look at the damn bottle that they are drinking from so that they can spell the shit correctly when they are bragging then it doesn’t need to exist.  Hold up, on second thought, Moscato can stay it’s not the wine’s fault people are stupid.  Let’s leave the morons who can’t spell it even though claim that they are constantly drinking it.

I also propose that female rap beefs be left behind when the decade ends.  That shit is just stupid.  I mean I know that battling on wax has been part of the rap game sense its inception but the chicks these days are absolutely no Real Roxanne or Roxanne Shante'.  I mean seriously, why exactly is Lil Kim firing verbal shots at Nicki Minaj?  Why is Nicki Minaj clapping back?  What does Foxxy Brown have to do with any of it? And who the hell told this heffa Keys that she had the right to say anything about any of ‘em?   What exactly are they angry over?  Whose ass is bigger?  Whose lace-front is lacier? Who has the dopest plastic surgeon?  I can’t take any of these broads seriously.  What I need them all to do is get on a record together and make some money instead of each of them individually thinking they have a monopoly on hoe prose.  The arguing and fighting over nothing needs to stop now before somebody does something stupid and ends up with a (or another) felony.  Foxxy and Kimberly have already seen the inside of federal lock-up I know they don’t wanna end up doing Remy Ma numbers.  So chill ladies.  Put your Louboutin wearing feet up, pour a glass of Moscato, smoke a Kool Mild Unfiltered, and just chill. Damn.

Since we are talking about female rappers and their foolishness, I think this is an appropriate segue for placing my vote for leaving bad lacefront wigs behind in this decade.  I guessing it was Beyonce’ that got all you broads thinking that this form of hair accessory is a good idea.  And honestly, when used correctly it really is.  But that's the problem, some of you aren’t using them correctly.  Some of you are using them all the way wrong.  You have to remember is B is using $50000 wigs made from the virgin hair of Tibetan nuns who haven’t seen daylight or been exposed to the elements since a fortnight after the day they were born.  She has a team of glue clerks that keep her shit tight and right.  She keeps her hair pieces locked up in a hermetically sealed chamber to make sure they can still be used past their expiration date.  Truth is, some of you actually do know who to apply these wigs and make them look like you grew them on your own.  Congratulations.  But the peole I'm talking about are the chicks that try to go the bargain basement route and end up with Elmer’s glue all balled up on their foreheads instead of using proper wig glue.  Or the ones that feel like washing and conditioning the wig is unnecessary because it’s not the hair that grew out of their head and the shit ends up looking like the pet gerbil from Mrs. Ferguson's class tried to mate with it.  Or the ones that have the damn things sitting all askew atop their domes looking like it’s a low budget winter hat.   These are the chicks that have ruined it for all of you. Don't be mad at Tee for this one, be mad at them for mucking up the game so bad that wearing Beverly Johnson and Motown Remi are no longer acceptable in 2011 and beyond. 

Hmmmm,  some of the things I've written above make it seem like I don't really like girls.  No worries people, I'm pro-XX.  I guess because I'm female I just notice the dumb shit that females do more than the dumb shit that guys do.  This is probably because I want to make sure that I avoid doing the dumb shit that would get me lumped into the group of ladies that do dumb shit that gets them noticed by people like me.  I want to make sure that people know that other than fallopian tubes, we have very little in common.  I'm sure that there are plenty of things that guys would like to leave behind when the ball drops this year.  I don't know, maybe being a pannie wearer makes me a little more sensitive to some of the more asinine things that go on in the world.

Wow,  I could really go on all day with this one.  But I'll stop here because I don't want to bore you.  But I don't mind you boring me.  So, tell me what you would leave behind in this decade?  What would you take with you?  I'm sure you all have some interesting things on your mind.  Hell, we might even come up with something to discuss in another post.

Conversations With My Son: This Christmas

Well, Christmas is officially over!! Hip hip hooray!! I guess I can crawl out of my hole now.  I'll  be honest and say that my day wasn't too bad.  It was actually much better than I thought it would be.  Definitely much better than the past few.  My son is definitely one of the reasons why.  He was extra excited this year about Santa coming.  Which is odd because he's never been a big believer.  He knows his parents, grandparents, and other family members give him gifts, Santa was just the cherry on top who brought a couple of special extras.  This year was different though. He talked more about the jolly old elf coming to our home.  He didn't tell me what he wanted Mommy and Daddy to get him for Christmas, as a matter of fact, we were taken completely out of the equation.  This year he wrote a very specific list of items that he wanted Santa to bring.  We were very surprised when he brought it to us to review.  We had the following conversation about it:

Him: Mama, Daddy I need you to check something out for me.
Me: Really? What is it?
Him: It's my letter to Santa.
Hubby: Letter? That's not a letter.  That's a list.
Him: Um, Daddy...stay with me.
Hubby: But a letter for Santa says "Dear Santa".  Yours doesn't.
Him: Seriously, Daddy?  I don't have to say "Dear Santa", Santa knows it's for him. Who else is a list of toys gonna be for? *exasperated sigh*
Me: We're getting off track people.  What's the letter for?
Hubby: Yeah, get em on track because shit is about to get very unmerry for somebody...

So before  the conversation results in a trip to the ER for the kid I intervene and actually look at the "letter".  It's actually a damn itemized list of toys, games, and puzzles that are "must haves" for him.  Seriously, I don't know who taught him how to write in outline format, but I swear he had everything in order.  I'm talking stuff like "Bioncles - red, green, blue, gold", "Transformers - Old school Bumblebee", "games for my Wii - fun".  So, I'm looking at this list 20 or so items and thinking that my son must really think that we live above the poverty line. We've really got him fooled.  So I ask:

Me: What happens if Santa doesn't get you everything on this list?
Him: That's not gonna happen. Each toy is something that I really, really, really need.  Especially the Bionicles and the Transformers. He knows.
Me: But what if he doesn't.
Him: *deep thought* Well, this is what we'll do.  YOU can take it to work and make a copy.  We keep the copy and send the one I wrote to Santa.  That way we can check off everything that he gets me.
Me: But what if everything doesn't get checked off?
Him: I won't be happy Mama.  I'll be vehwee, vehwee upset.  So that's how I know that he will.
Me: *blank stare*

Okay. I'm not sure when my child became The Godfather.  It obviously happened sometime between Thanksgiving and the first two weeks of December.   But, it's looking like he's ready to extort Santa for some Leggos and shit.  I'm not sure I'm with this, but I'm afraid I'll end up with horse's head in my bed.  As I sit there contemplating whether or not I want to ride with this little gangster, I'm also wondering what the hell Drake & Josh, Big Time Rush, and Phineas and Ferb have been teaching my poor, sweet little lamb.  No way he could've come up with this on his own.  What to do? What to do? I guess I could warn Santa that his shins are in grave danger if stuff doesn't turn out like the kid wants.  But since I'M Mrs. Claus and I already know the danger my husband is in, how do I handle this?  What to do?!

Well, dammit I did what any self respecting parent would do when her spouse is in danger.  He got everything on that damn list.  Look, don't judge me.  Don't judge me because I had to do some colossal hoe shit to make sure he had it all.  Don't judge me because I turned into the Christmas parent that I'm always talking about.  I wasn't thinking about all that.  I was thinking about my health and well being, I was thinking about the safety of my spouse.  I'm already in a damn boot.  I can't take anymore set backs folks!

Plus, I'm a sucker for that kids smile.  He was super amped yesterday.  So, it was worth it.  No bah humbugs here.  Oh, in case you were wondering, yes, yes he did recall everything that was on his list.  He said, "Wow.  I got everything I asked for! Plus some stuff I didn't ask for."
Me: I know, right?  You must have been a good boy this year.
Him: Well...I wasn't too bad.  I guess Santa knows what I like.
Me: Yep. I guess he does.
Him: Well, everything except clothes.  Who gives that for a gift? *stink face*
Me: SMH

I know I'm a day late, but happy holidays folks.

Robert's Rules Doesn't Cover This...

The following is a video shot during a session of the Romanian Parliment.  The man on the balcony is a father whose disabled child lost disability benefits.  He did not die.  He merely cracked up his face and needed reconstructive surgery.

I saw this clip last night when I was watching the 10 o'clock news and I want you to know that I laughed at it.  Hard. Over and over and over again.  I was so amused by it that I sought it out on YouTube and when I found it I laughed some more.  Before you judge me understand that I did not laugh because I revel in this man's pain.  No friends, I laughed because the shit is funny.  Plain and simple.  Sometimes life hands you lemons and it makes you do dumb shit that nobody in the world understands.  Sometimes it's so dumb that it's hilarious.  In my opinion, and I don't get paid for my opinions so take it for what it's worth, this is one of the funniest things I've seen in about...3 days.  You don't have to agree, but I ask you to check this video out before you judge me too hard.



This was not a suicide attempt.  This was a damn cry for help.  One man's personal protest.  And even it it were a suicide attempt, from the looks of things this kind of thing happens in the Romanian Parliment all the time.  Now, I don't speak Romanian (or whatever language Romanian's speak) but from this footage it looks it took a couple of those politicians 10 whole seconds to give a shit about the man trying to fly without wings. 

I think it's admirable that this guy felt so strongly about losing his kids check that he felt the need to take a swan dive into a sea of damn mahogany desks.  But, this could have been handled in so many different ways.  What ever happened to picket lines and picket signs?  What ever happened to writing an angry letter?  Look, I'm all for being down for a cause.  For getting all up in arms because I've been wronged in some way.  But there is nothing that I feel strongly enough about that will make toss myself off the top of anything.  I'm careful as hell rolling out of my bed, no way I'm going to climb on top of something with intentions to harm myself ON PURPOSE, just to prove a point.  And exactly what point what this guy trying to prove?  His child no longer has disability benefits, so he's going to crack every damn bone in his face in an attempt to show people how bad an idea it was to take the benefits away? He disabled himself to show how disabiling not having disability is? I'm totally freaking confused right now. 

I can't even take him seriously right now.  And it's obvious that some of the folks in the Romanian Parliment didn't either.  They were looking at him like, "Why are you wasting our time with this foolishness sir"?  I swear I saw one dude check the time on his watch, shake his head all exasperated and say "Fuck, I'm gonna be late for my mani/pedi!" He was super pissed about it too.  I know you don't believe me.  Look for it. 

Anyway, I'm done talking about this guy. I sincerely hope he gets the help that he needs.  And by help, I mean a series of 72-hour holds in a facility specifically designed to cater to the needs of the mentally imbalanced and deficient.  SMH

YouTube Shenanigans: Holiday Edition

Okay, Lawd knows I loves me some Antoine Dodson.  He had me from the moment he warned me about somebody raping errbody up in the LP (Lincoln Park PJs for y'all under informed individuals).  I rocked the "Bed Intruder" song like it was something off of Billboard's Top 100 and when I tell you that I played this right here over and over and over and over again...I'm totally NOT exaggerating.  I'm like the President and CEO of Antoine Dodson Fan Club, LLC.  I even contemplated coming off of my 20 plus year Halloween ban just so I could wear his costume.  I swear I *heart* him. His silky Dominican blow out, the way he smack his lips when he talks, that little shake of the head that does when he's giving attitude.  Oh me oh my.  I'm his biggest fan.  But sometimes, even a stan like me knows when shit has gone too far.  Sometimes, a superfan has to pump the brakes and say, "Antoine...WTF?"

That's where I'm at right now.  At first I tried to blame the fact that I was perturbed by the following video on my grinchiness.  But no, no friends. That's not it.  Mr. Dodson has officially swerved out of the foolishness lane that we've been cruising in together and is now traveling on the road to ridiculousness.  It's a one way street people and homeboy is driving in the wrong damn direction.  Check this shit out:

Look.  I know we are in a recession.  I know he's trying to get his folks out of the LP.  But dammit let's not make a mockery of some shit that was so delightful that just the thought of it made me smile and giggle.  There's only so many times that making fun of yourself is funny.  Then after a while, it just becomes sad and creepy.  You're getting dangerously close to creepy Antoine.  Please come back to this side of the street and chill with me.  I'll be easy to find. 
I'll be the lady wearing this and an orthopedic boot. 

YouTube Shenanigans: Pretty Ricky

File this one under "Extra Wacktackular".  Is anyone else as disturbed by this foolishness as I am?  Somebody is still letting these fools make records? Pleasure P is probably somewhere on his knees thanking 6 lb. 6 oz. baby Jesus that he escaped when he did.  I know I would be.

P.S.  I think I'd use this time to formally state that I believe that the name "Pretty Ricky" is one of the biggest misnomers in the history of the universe. 

P.P.S.  The fact that somebody even gave them a budget to make this record and film the video is another sign that the world is ending.  I don't know how many times I have to tell you folks to get your lives right but....dammit, get it done!

This Christmas

Christmas is about a week away.  Lately, I’m pretty much irritated by all things Christmassy (all things holidays really).  It didn’t used to be this way. There was a time when Christmas was my absolute favorite holiday (tied with my birthday which, in my opinion, should be celebrated as an international holiday, this will be rectified when I take over the world).  At some point I went from Sally Brown (letter writing and all) to The Grinch.  And yes, my heart is absolutely microscopic right now.

So I know you are wondering, what made me this way? There are lots of reasons, but the quick and dirty answer is… just living.  Sometimes life has a way of changing even the most optimistic individual into a pessimistic curmudgeon.  Not that I was ever an overly optimistic person anyway. I’ve always been a little more Eeyore than Pooh.  Definitely glass half empty with a crack in it.  But whenever Christmas came around my frown would turn upside down, at least for a couple of hours.  But the world has ruined it for me!

This is supposed to be one of the happiest times of the year.  There’s supposed to be lots of “laughter and good cheer” but quite a few of you have forgotten that.   Like where’s the cheer in cussing some lady out because she got to the last Easy Bake Oven before you could? How jolly is it to fistfight over a Tickle Me Elmo? Was it really worth it to trample a pregnant lady as you stampeded toward the $20 DVD players? And all of this is supposedly done in the name of gift giving and happiness? Yeah right.

Maybe this is my grinchiness coming out but this seems to be one of the most selfish times of year.  Most people don’t give in the spirit of giving.  Yeah, you say that you give gifts out of love and to see the smiles that you bring to the recipients faces.  And, I guess this may be true in some cases.  But in my opinion, and I don’t get paid for them so you can take it for what it’s worth, you are doing the giving only for the recognition.  You want to be the coolest uncle, the most awesome mom or dad, the greatest grandma, or whatever.  And you’ll do whatever it takes to get and keep that title.  It’s ridiculous the things that people go through to make sure their loved ones get everything on their Christmas lists.  Now I’m not saying that making sure your people are happy is a bad thing.  I’m saying that you shouldn’t do dumb shit to make sure that it happens.

You shouldn’t be out in the mall calling other moms the carpet because they snatched up the last sweater in Old Navy.  You shouldn’t be going into debt to buy laptops and cell phones for toddlers.  You shouldn’t be skipping bill payments so that your teenager can have $200 jeans.  I mean if those pants can keep the whole family warm, then go for it.  If not, tell little Tray’KeiShia she’s going to have to wait or get a job.  You shouldn’t be contemplating hoe shit to make sure hubby gets that watch he really, really wants.

The world has lost sight of reason why we celebrate Christmas.  This is not a time for extravagant gifts and over the top celebrations.  Although they are fun for most they are certainly not a requirement.  This is a time of reflection and remembrance.  We should be celebrating the birth of Christ and all of the blessings in our lives.  Not going out of our way to prove something or to outdo each other.  All of this madness is the reason why people get stressed, depressed, and anxious at this time of year.  It’s useless and unnecessary.

Oh, and don’t even get me started on all of the family issues that rear their ugly heads around the Christmas dinner table.  I swear it’s like people save up all of their dysfunction just so they can wrap it up in a bow and deliver it on Christmas.  And what better place to do that than at dinner when everyone is trapped and can’t say anything back to you because their mouths are full of delicious, macaroni and cheese and yeast rolls? You know that it's coming.  But there's nothing you can do to protect yourself from it.  Because Uncle Petey or Cousin Clementine are going to show their asses regardless of what anybody says or does. 

Okay, I’ve said enough.  I know you’re not going to stop what you’ve been doing just because I decided to get up on my soapbox today.  I know you’re not going to change just because I told you to. So just take the words I’ve said and try to own whatever applies to you. Remember, the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem.  Consider that the next time you launch yourself at top speed into someone who cuts in front of you in the line for cheap flat screen televisions.

Know Your Role

Dear Tee,

Why do whores, hoes, skanks, gutta sluts....whatev...why do they not accept their roles? Why do they believe they are more than what they really are even if it is clear that they are simply side lines or jump offs? Answer me this Tee.

Queen Bee

_____________________________________________________________

Dear Queen,

Look girlfriend, if it were up to me none of the types of broads that you mentioned in your question would exist.  If I ruled the world, I would make them disappear! Not  the Tony Soprano kind of disappear but like banished to a remote island or cave disappear.  I ain’t that crazy.  Alas, since I am not Supreme Ruler of The Universe and All Galaxies Hither and Yon, I can’t get rid of them.   However, since there’s obviously a use for them and because 2008-2010 have appeared to be the first few years in what I've been calling “The Era of the Jump-Off”, I figure I can probably get some kind of answer together for you.

First of all we need to separate regular whores from the group, because at least these bitches get compensated for their flat backing.  There’s obviously a market for them because they stay out looking for dates.  They are like the postal service of sexual favors: neither rain, sleet, nor snow can stop them.  Plus I’m sure the threat of a beat down for being out of pocket from Pimpin’ Ken, Ponytail, or Sugar Foot keeps them on the stroll.  Anyway, my point is there’s a distinct difference between whoring as a career choice and just being a home wrecking hoe.  And since we are in a recession, I’m giving the regular whores a pass.

Now let’s see what we can come up with regarding the others.  I won’t say that I hate them, because I don’t.  I just don’t respect them.  Now, I’m quite sure some of you out there reading this are members of  this particular group of scallywags and you are probably going to take offense to what I’m about to say.  So I feel like this is the appropriate time for me to tell you that I don’t give a shit about your feelings.  You made this bed (or messed around in it as it were) so lay in it.  And keep still, I know you ain’t used to using a bed for other than colossal hoe shit but gimme a few minutes and you can get back to what you were doing.   As I was saying, I don’t respect them, for a myriad of reasons.  Mainly because I think it takes a special kind of low self-esteem and lack of self-worth to fuck around with a person that you know is already in a relationship.  And low-self esteemers (LSEs) are pretty much tops on the list of things that make my ass itch. 

Some of you hoes will say that you do what you do because he pays your bills, or takes you shopping, or because YOU are soooo much better/smarter/prettier than his girlfriend/fiancé/wife.  There are plenty of excuses that you could use but that's not the real, real reason.  The real reason you do it is simply because you ain’t shit.  And because you ain’t shit, it's really easy for you to accept the fact that the person that you are fucking with ain’t shit either.  And your combined level of aintshitness leads to you thinking dumb shit like you are going to be together forever if you just do everything he likes, or the opposite of his girl, or whatever.  But just think about what you are doing.  Think about how this behavior makes you look.  What does it say about you that you are fine with being second or third or whatever on his list of priorities?  What does it say about you that you don't mind being a secret? What does it say about you that you only get a few hours of time that you mostly spend face down ass up, a sext, or a phone call is quality time? You have accepted a person who is a liar and a cheater, a selfish jerk who has no regard for his GF/SO/wife (and likely you) with open arms for exactly who he is because he lets you pop tags at Dots or some shit.  Well, I hope he can afford to let you pop tags, because if you are going through all this for a broke motherfucker then dammit you just can’t be helped.  Now, I know you are saying “well Tee, if you can say that about me, then what does that say about the woman that stays with him”? Well, it actually says a lot and in my opinion some of it is not all good, but since this question isn’t about her we aren’t going to go there.  You can hit the inbox with the question and I can give you response then.

Anyway, now that I’ve got that off my chest I can get to the actual response to the question, Queen.   I think the main reason these breezies don’t accept their roles is because they are not completely clear on what their role is.  I can only surmise that some of them may be under the assumption that they are more than just a cum dumpster.  The cheating asshole in question (I apologize if I’ve called somebody’s man an asshole, I’m sure you think he’s a very nice guy...) has probably sold her all kinds of dreams and lies to make her feel important.  He’s told her he loves her (or maybe just likes her a lot or that she's a cool gal, to most LSEs these mean the same thing).  He’s bought her nice things (or maybe promised her that he would, with most LSEs a promise is all that’s needed).  He probably even took her to Ruby Tuesday’s or Applebee’s for a nice romantic meal.  Thus, she feels like it’s okay to bring her mangy ass from out of the shadows of secrecy and shame in order to announce her existence.  The dummy usually does this by playing on your phone, sending dead flowers to your job, or boiling your kids pet bunny. 

So I guess, it’s not entirely her fault.  Ole boy should be better at telling his strange to stay in her lane.  She makes him feel all manly and shit and he makes her feel like she’s actually worth something.  He’s made her think that she’s someone important and that she really adds value to his life.  Truthfully, in some ways she probably does.  Cause let me tell you, nobody is better at stroking an ego than an guttersnipe*.  She’s going to make him feel like he’s the King of the World (which is poppycock because that position is already taken. )**  They are so enthralled by the purposes that they serve for each other that it begins to spill over into real life and wreaks havoc on the lives of both of the dummies involved and many other people who didn’t ask to be included.  And we end up with situations like Elin beating the cowboy shit out of Tiger with a 9-iron, Fantasia trying to off herself by taking twice the legal dose of Children’s Motrin, or in the worst cases Steve McNair getting snuffed out by his mentally ill floozy.

Now, in situations where it has been made clear that the broad is merely around for humping purposes only things get a little trickier.  Somebody inevitably catches feelings and ends up doing dumb shit, like lying about a baby, keying your car, or setting your trash on fire.  This particular strain of LSE is far more bold and unstable than the others.  She must be handled with care.  And by care I mean, dealt with directly by knocking on her door and then taking her monkey ass to the grass.  Okay, I’m not really being serious about beating her up.  Well, maybe in my younger days I would have been but I like freedom so I would never tell anyone to do anything to harm anyone.  Even if the bitch is a menace to society and womankind everywhere. *smile*

So, Queen, I said all of that to say that there’s really nothing we can do about these broads.  Our best line of defense is to be proactive with the person who brings the riff raff into our lives, because you know you wouldn’t deal with any of these bitches in your life if you had a choice.  I’m guessing that they wouldn’t be on your level.  Hell, with a name like Queen, I’m sure very few are.  Anyway, the one that we need to worry about is NOT the trifling broad that is willing to sleep with an unavailable man.  We need to be worrying about the unavailable man who is selfish enough to make himself available and risk his life (in more ways than one) dealing with these broads.  Don’t worry about her staying in her lane.  Worry about him staying in his.  As long as he stays within his boundaries, you probably won't have to worry about the hoes, sluts, scallywags, gutter sluts, and guttersnipes of the world.

Well, I believe that’s all I have to say on this matter.  At least that’s all I have to say today.  I appreciate your submission and I hope that I was able to help you out in some way.

Best Regards,

Tee

*I know you’re wondering how the hell I know so much about these hoes.  Well if you must know, I’ve done extensive research.  I immersed myself in the hoe habitat (for informational purposes only) and came out unscathed with lots of wisdom.  Spending time in the BeBe store, watching Maury Povich baby daddy shows, and being observant during meals during undergrad (shout-out to the Student Center) has not been as colossal a waste of time as some might think.   

**well it is if Kevin Garnett (or Tyrese) is available to stand at my side when I take over the universe.

I'm Luvin It! (Not)

So let me get this straight. You mean to tell me that this lady really wants to sue Mickey D's because she doesn't like how the toys entice children? Is she really serious? 

<Excuse me while I clear my throat> *ahem, ahem...ahem* BITCH PLEASE!

Does she not understand that this is what the hell toys are for??!! To ENTICE kids! She does say that she doesn't want money though, she only wants them to have healthier food options.  It's fuckin fast food.  That means burgers, fries, nuggets, and what not.  You're not gonna get everything on the food pyramid in your meal here people.  Exactly how healthy does the menu have to be? What the hell are apple dippers? Fruit and yogurt parfaits? Smoothies?  That's about as healthy as it should get in my opinion.  You need more than that then take your ass down to the Picadilly and get the vegetarian special or some shit.  Don't hate on the Happy Meal.  Don't hate on one of the things that has brought happiness to billions and billions of children served all over the world.

I'll tell you right now.  I'm all about a Happy Meal and so is the son. The reason we go to McDonald's is to get greasy cheesburgers, awesome fries, and icy Coca-Cola.  It's quick, it's hot, it's delicious.  And yes we go because the damn toys.  Shit, truth be told, I was over the moon when they were giving away mini Pound Puppies and My Little Ponies.  I hadn't seen those since Summer 1986, I wasn't about to let them pass me by.  And here you are trying to tell me that because YOU don't like the way they market to children that they have to shut shit down. Negatory!! Silly rabbit, they can market to kids all they want.  Kids don't have money.  They are banking on spineless, gutless parents like you who don't have the ability to say no to their bossy, whiny ass kids to come and collect all 100 Hello Kitty's or Hot Wheels cars or whatever the hell they are stuffing in the bags that week.  So, it would seem to me that the issue isn't McDonald's marketing and it's not your kid.  It's YOU. 

I bet you didn't have very many friends when you were growning up.  I bet you were the kid that snitched on all the kids that did fun shit because your parents wouldn't let you come out of the yard for more than 15 minutes at a time.  You seem like the type that takes being a wet blanket seriously.  You need to keep that shit other there where you rest because it don't fly with me.  You want your kid to eat carrot sticks, rice cakes, and soy milk?  That's cool.  But keep that on YOUR dinner table.  I just hope you understand that if you win this one, you are ruining your kids life not making it better.  Nobody wants to be friends with the kid who's Mommy took away all the Happy Meal toys.  You may want to take that into consideration while you are way up there on your high horse.  Because the little one is going to be lonely as hell and you are going to have to entertain her because Timmy and Tara across the street ain't gonna have shit to do with her.  Taking away a kids ability to play is like hiding a crackheads pipe.  They get creative and violent in their quest for an alternative.  No telling what kind of payback they could come up with.  Do you really want that for your little one?

I don't see anything wrong with a child eating a burger every now and again.  As long as they don't end up on one of Maury Povich's fat baby shows or as the youngest contest on The Biggest Loser, you're doing good.  Everybody knows that a child needs fruits and veggies and shit to grow up big and strong.  No moron is going to feed their seed a diet of only fries and burgers.  So let the kid have a damn McNugget and a toy and shut the hell up.  Don't steal a child's joy because you don't approve.  You and people like you get on my damn nerves.

If I Ruled The World

Recently a friend and I were chatting via BBM (BlackBerry Messenger for you lames who aren't up on game).   I truly enjoy my BBM conversations with my friends.  They always keep me abreast of all of the things going on in their lives, including foolishness and shenanigans in real time.  Anyway, I was talking to my friend, AquaNette*.  We were talking about all of the things going on on Facebook these days.  I told her, "AquaNette girl, FB is dangerous.  If the wrong person gets a hold of a creative, catchy status they could fuck around and rule the world.  All his/her minions would be cutting and pasting statuses (stati? I'm never sure about the plural of that word) and subliminally sending messages of world domination via social networking.  And don't let them get a hold Twitter.  Hot damn!  Could you imagine millions and millions of your followers retweeting all the platforms of your agenda? Of course Alicia Keys and em couldn't raise a milli for AIDS awareness but that kind of power in the wrong hands could have people donating their last dollar and first born for shit like autograph copies Souljah Boy's Casio keyboard or a chance to give Trey Songs a lap dance.  But anyway, that conversation got me thinking.  What would I do if I had that kind of power?  What would Tee do if she was the Ultimate Ruler of the Universe?  <insert evil laughter here> Honestly, I wouldn't do much.  I'd do just enough to make the world more comfortable for me. 

For example, if I ruled the world, I would outlaw jeggings, leggings, and any manner of spandex clothing that is not meant for wear unless actually working out.  I know you’re asking, “But Tee, why outlaw them, they are soooo comfortable”! Well, I’ll tell you why.  Because some of you broads have taken shit too far.  It’s one thing to dress for comfort, it is something entirely different when the way you dress makes EVERYONE else around you uncomfortable.  I’ve seen far too many misshapen butts and guts in the past year or so for me to conclude that wearing this stuff as acceptable behavior.  And before you say something slick, NO, Tee does not wear these things.  Why? Because I know MY over hangage would look a hot damn jiggly unrestrained mess.  If it looks crazy to me when I’m looking in the mirror at my damn self, why on Earth would I subject anyone to that?  Do you see that people? Do you understand what just happened?  Tee, thinks of others.  Tee understands that sometimes things just aren’t appropriate for anybody.  And like a friend said earlier today, some things just aren’t for EVERY BODY.  Don't get mad at me if this is a major component of your wardrobe.  Be mad at yourself because your grown ass knows that it shouldn’t be.

If I ruled the world, I would outlaw lying.  I have a personal rule: only lie for two reasons 1. To get out of jail 2. To get out of being put in jail.  Other than those two reasons, I can’t really fathom a reason for not telling the truth.  It's just foolish, and I don't understand why people do it.  Like, lying about dumb stuff for people to like you.  Or telling lies to your friends and loved ones to keep from hurting their feelings.  Seriously, what’s the point in that?  Your lie always gets found out and the thing that you were trying to avoid always ends up happening, so save everyone some trouble and either keep your lying ass from around here or tell the damn truth.  I definitely prefer the latter over the former, but some of you can just stay where you are.  See?  I just told the truth!  And it was damn easy.  Truth is: I don't like being around some of you, whether you are truthful people or not.  I know some of you are really into putting on pretenses and stuff like that so living a lie is like second nature to you, but check this out if you will.  Lying takes away options.  And I like having options.  You take away my right to choose and I become a very unhappy camper.  So let’s all try something new.  No lies.  Let folks keep their options.  You never know, they might choose to accept the thing that you think is so heinous that you need to make up some dumb ass story to cover it up.  Or you're right and they are gonna be pissed off like you thought.  But you shouldn’t have done the dumb shit that made you have to lie in the first place so suck it up.  Don’t  be a dumb ass AND a liar.  Neither is welcome in Tee's World.

If I ruled the world I would outlaw all music that sounds like it was produced on the Casio keyboard that I got for Christmas 1986.  This pretty much affects most music being played on the radio currently.  If we get rid of the mediocre music that has infiltrated the airwaves and turned the younger generations into little robots who only react to the sound of formulaic "hip-hop" with tight beats and catchy hooks we would be left with music that makes sense.  The kind of stuff that barely gets any airplay these days.  Can you imagine a world where folks like Talib Kweli, Goapele, and The Roots are more than just critically acclaimed?  I can and I think it would be pretty damn awesome. 

If I ruled the world I would eradicate jump-offs, hoes, scallywags, and guttersnipes.  I mean they all serve their purpose I'm sure but I honestly don't think they are necessary.  Think about it, once their work is done what do they really have left to do?  Monica Lewinsky tried to sale handbags but her jizz stained dress ended up getting more shine.  I think all but one of Tiger's side-pieces are back at the respective Waffle House's that they started in.  Most of them get a little shine I guess.  But their reality is one of shadows and secrecy, so what's the point of them being here?  They don't exist in real life anyway, right? Well, it doesn't matter because they wouldn't exist in my world either. #delete

If I ruled the world I would get rid of super preachers.  Now before you mistake what I'm saying and run with it, understand that I DID NOT say that I would get rid of religion.  I was raised Baptist and if I were to say something like that every good Christian woman in my family would carpool to my house to kick my ass.  I'm saying I'd get rid of preachers like Creflo Dollar, Jamal Bryant, Joel Osteen, Benny Hinn, and Eddie Long.  Why?  Not because I don't agree with their teachings, I'm sure there's truth in there somewhere if you look hard enough.  I would get rid of these dudes because there is only so much that I can take when I look at them.  They are like overstimulating for my brain (and they stimulate the brain only, although I'm sure some of them....I see you JB and EL are interested in stimulating other things).  So anyway, like I was saying, there's only so many 3/4 length suits with clown ties I can deal with.  Only so many lace front wigs. Only so many cans of Dax hair pomade I can allow my offering to go to.  Only so many times I can question whether or not a man named Dollar can be trusted with mine.  [I would also like to amend the list to include Pastor Kearney Thomas and his magic oil/prayer cloths/vials of Jesus' tear drops that he hawks on BET every morning.]  I really don't have the time to sift through all of the things that they do that gets on my nerves.  So they would be out of here!!  Maybe they can offer some righteous words to the guttersnipes so they can get their lives right or something.

If I ruled the world I'd get rid of Oprah.  Not because that heffa irks the hell outta me, but because there can only be one portly black woman at the top of the heap.  And since I'm ruling the world, dammit that's ME! I'll let Gayle stick around because getting rid of them both is just wrong.

Man, I could go on for days with this one.  Like I said, these are just things that would make the universe more comfortable for me if they went away.  So if the day ever comes (and it will because I'm working on a way to get a Disney show.  That's definitely the first step one should take if interested in taking over the world) that Tee is the Super Supreme Leader of The Universe and All Galaxies Hither and Yon, you better hope you're on my team.  If not....well I'll let you imagine all the things that could happen**. <insert evil laugh here>

*name changed to protect the "innocent"
**Lifetime banishment to a place where only Justin Bieber songs play *shudder*

Black or White...

It's been a pretty lazy day.  I've stayed in the house all day watching music videos and playing Words With Friends.  My son came into my room to snuggle and watch television with me.  We settled on a show called Soul Squared that comes on VH1 Soul.  The premise of the show is that they show two videos by the same artist back to back.  I really like the show because they normally play great music from awesome artists.

Like today, as my son and I were laying in bed they played some videos from Michael Joseph Jackson or MJJ as I lovingly call him.  The videos were "In The Closet" and "Rock With You".  While we watched these videos the kid commented on the tightness of MJJ's pants (in both videos), his girl hair, the glitter on his pants, his new girl face.  Every comment causing me to grit my teeth in anger and frustration because I really want to say something to the kid for his hateration.  But who really calls a 6 year old a hater?  Not Tee.  Anyway, I guess he was sitting close enough to feel the steam coming out of my ears because he whispered to me in a tone that was meant to not hurt my feelings, "Mommy...ummmm...in this video Michael Jackson is b-r-o-w-n, in that other one he was w-h-i-t-e...".  I didn't even bother to respond.  I just turned the volume up a bit.

So then a Robin Thicke video came on, it was the one for the song "Magic".  The kid says, "Mommy, he don't dance good like Michael Jackson".  This made me smile.  It's obvious he's trying to make up for the heinous things he said before.  I accept his subliminal apology and snuggle a little closer.  As we sit there talking about what the song is about and how there's nothing "magical" about the video.  In this case, that means no flying superheroes, intergalatic battles, or random lightning bolts striking folks in the street.  So the next Robin Thicke video comes on, it's "Dreamworld".  Kind of dark.  The subject matter in the song is pretty serious.  We watch in silence for a minute or so and then the kid asks a question that leads to the following asinine conversation that resulted in me banishing him to his room with Drake & Josh and Big Time Rush.  Check it out:

Him: Mommy, can I ask you a question?
Me: Ask.
Him:  Is Robin Thicke a real white man or a fake one like Michael Jackson?
Me: Say what?  Michael Joseph Jackson is most definitely a black man!
Him:  Not really.
Me:  What do you mean not really?
Him:  I mean he was brown but then he wasn't no more.  He looked-ed like a white lady.
Me:  Are you serious?  Are you seriously gonna sit here and say that to me?
Him:  I'm sorry Mama.  That's just reality.
Me:  Get out. Go to your room!
Him: What I do?  All I said was he looked-ed like a white lady.  You said always tell the truth.  And THAT'S the truth.
Me:  No the truth is Robin Thicke is white.  Michael Jackson is black.  And YOU are going to your room because this conversation is over! *silently pointing to my bedroom door*

Can you believe this shit?  I'm fuming! Did he really just call my idol a white broad?  See this is the type of behavior that gets a kid sent to Switzerland for military school or your letter to Santa returned to sender.  I'm pissed.

Mink, Lynx, Chinchilla...Oh My!!

I hate Winter.  I hate being cold.  I hate snow.  I hate ice.  I hate it all.  And I normally don't use the word "hate", because I feel like it's way too strong of a word to use in most instances.  Like, I feel like you can seriously despise something, and most people inappropriately use the word "hate" to describe that.  But in MY opinion for you to HATE something means that if you saw it (whatever it is) on the side of the road engulfed in flames you wouldn't stop long enough to squat over it and piss on it to put it out.  THAT'S hate.  And that's how I feel about Winter and everything that goes with it. 

Cold weather, snow, Jack Frost, Punxsutawney Phil, Baby New Year, Kris Kringle?  Every single one of them can kiss my ass!  Right now I'm feeling particularly pissed towards that son-of-a-bitch Jack.  His ass is working overtime sprinkling the world with snow and ice, freezing shit, and blowing cold air all over the place.  I'm over it.  Being cold is the most uncomfortable thing for me.  I have to work overtime to stay warm.  Mittens, coats, toe socks, thermal underwear.  I overutilize all of these things and I often end up looking like the little brother from the Christmas Story.  You know the one who has on so much crap that he can't get up when he falls down?  That's Tee.  Which brings me to another thing about winter that irritates me...people that don't like fur.

Now I know you are wondering: "Tee, what the hell do those people have to do with winter?" Well, dammit, if you gimme some time I'll tell you.  Now before I say what I'm about to say, I want you to know that I'm not an animal lover.  I mean, I won't be stringing up puppies or anything anytime soon, but I don't lose my mind over baby kittens, bears, and monkeys.  I just don't.  But I also don't walk around telling vegetarians how lame they are for not partaking in a nice tender piece of cow or chicken every now and again.  So it pisses me off whenever I hear about someone getting cussed out, or paint tossed on them, or receiving hate  for wearing animal skins.

That's pure foolishness to me people.  If I could afford it I'd have the pelt of every furry animal from hamster to chinchilla in my closet if it kept my ass from freezing during these East Cost winters.  I'm talking coats, boots, gloves, mittens, muffs, scarves, socks, and hats.  Hell, I'd even rock a fur bra and panty set,  if I knew for sure it would keep my nips off headlight status.  Yes, indeed.  Don't judge me.  Don't judge my love for alligator boots, butter soft cow leather handbags,  and fur coat and hat combos that make me look like the little chocolate offspring of Boris & Natasha.   That's just ME.  And as long as nobody bothers me for it, I won't bother them for the shit that they do that I think is dumb as hell. 

So in the Wintertime if you see me in the streets looking like this:


don't say shit unless you're stopping me to bask in the luxuriousness.

Real Talk

So, I was sitting in the bed earlier and a thought came to me that I would like to talk about.  Everything in Tee's world is not fun and games.  Sometimes shit gets real, real serious.  And I know that it's probably the same for most of you out there.  Apparently, I have a voice and people listen to me (who would've thunk it) so I decided to use my powers for good for at least a couple of minutes this year.  So bear with me.

This time of year is especially hard for lots of people.  The holidays bring out the some of the worst feelings and memories for a lot of us.  These memories could lead to anxiety, depression, and other emotional issues that people are too embarrassed to address because this is supposed to be "the most wonderful time of year".  So I decided I'd talk a little bit about what your options are if you are feeling not so good.

Everybody has their reasons for why they feel the way they do about the holidays.  And people act on these feelings in different ways.  Some people get super crazy and go all Uber Elf and decorate everything from their car to their kids.  Some people get super creepy and send out Christmas cards from their pet cat, Snookums (with love). Others, get super grinchy and sit around with a scowl on their face waiting for it all to be over and wondering who let all the Whos out of Whoville and when the hell they are going to make the trip back. 

Look, I'm not here to ask you the reasons why you feel the way you do and why you react the way that you do.  I'm not here to judge why you feel that way.  I just know that you do.  And I know that if the feelings get so bad that you really don't know how to manage them that you should do one thing and one thing only: SEEK HELP.  This is nothing to be embarrassed over, you would not be the first to admit that you could not control your feelings.  But actually talking to someone and finding an understanding ear is way better than sitting in a dark closet with a bottle of Children's Tylenol and a Blackberry tweeting your cries for help (I see you Fantasia).

There are LOTS of places that you can go for help.  Your Pastor, Priest, Rabbi, Imam, etc. are always a good first line of defense.  If they aren't available, find a good friend.  Preferably one the is a good listener, and who won't make your emergency situation about them.  Unless, they can truly relate and provide some good advice.  In non emergency situations, a therapist is an option,  they would provide a nonjudgemental ear and help you put together a game plan to combat your feelings and apply those lessons to real life situations.  And if all else fails, and shit gets really real and there's nobody around that you trust or can confide in dial 1-800-273-TALK, the National Suicide Prevention Hotline.  I gaurantee there will be a friendly voice on the other end that belongs to someone who's willing to go out of their way to make sure you get the help you need.

Do NOT suffer in silence.  You are not alone and there a places you can go and people you can talk to that will help you sort out your feelings.  Get the help that you need instead of coming up with a permenant solution to a temporary problem.

For more information visit:
http://www.yellowribbon.org/
http://www.befrienders.org/
http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

I Refuse to Take This Ish Seriously: *I've got nothin*

OK, so I'm sitting down at my computer attempting to write something.  I've had some serious writer's block the past few days.  I blame Kris Kringle, but we won't get into that right now.

Anyway, so I couldn't figure out what to write about.  When that happens I usually surf the innanets or my favorite blog sites for inspiration.  And wouldn't you know it, I found today's topic on Crunk & Disorderly.  There's a video on there by this chick that calls herself 1st Lady and two of her big boned friends.  Now, before I go further in this post I need to make a disclaimer.  I want to make myself abundantly clear that I am NOT anti-big girl or even anti-hoe shit (to a certain degree).  I'm pretty much pro-choice on everything.  You have a right to eat large amounts of hog maws and wangs, you have a right to sleep with every Tom, Dick, Harry, Jack, Raheem, James, George, Mustafa, Habib, and Bill.  Hell, you even have the right to walk around in ill fitting clothing that makes you ass looks like it's eating your pants for lunch.  You have these rights and if you CHOOSE to excercise them, then dammit that's on you.  Who am I to keep you from that? But you shouldn't tape it, or walk around in public, or take pictures and post them on Facebook, Twitter, MySpace, eHarmony, Reunion.Com or whereever else you go for your cyber hoe shit.  Because that's when it encroaches upon my life.  And THAT's when I have to comment on it.  And it's usually not nothing nice.

I've said it before.  I appreciate a fair amount of tomfoolery, shenanigans, and foolishness.  But at some point it becomes ridiculousness and all of the fun goes away.  And these broads happen to be participating in some ridiculousness of epic proportions. 


See what I mean?  Like seriously?  You gonna rap about selling twat on post it on these innanets?  You gonna actually stand in your little sisters lace legging and onesie combo and talk about your "juiciness"?  You really gonna rock an outfit that looks like some shit that fell out the back of Oaktown 357s tour van back in 1989?  You really gonna have a video that looks like you filmed it in that kiosk in the mall that sits right in front of Build A Bear and Spencer Gifts? Girl BOO!! This shit right here is so far beyond ratchetness that there isn't even really a word to describe it.  There are not enough adjectives, adverbs, verbs, conjunctions, participles, or whatever the hell in the lexicon of the universe to properly give this right here a proper damn description.

The first thing that I need for you ladies (and I use that word loosely) to do is change clothes, I mean I get that you are talking about trading coochie for coins but let's be provocative.  Secondly, I know the hair and make up budget was probably close to what my son makes for his weekly allowance but Walgreens and CVS stay having H.I.P. on BOGO and I just got a flier in the mail from Sally's with yaki for $9.99 that would have done well in a pinch.  Which brings me to three, if y'all are making so much bread offa selling p***y, why in the fuck are you looking like refugees from the island of Low Budget Bitches?  If it were ME and I was on the net advertising my ho skills on wax I'd damn sure have a better commercial than this shit.  Who the hell you think you gonna attract with this? I'll tell you: NO.FUCKING.BODY.  This shit is so far from sexy that you couldn't find it with a map, GPS, or compass.  Plus, I had to hang one of those pine tree car air fresheners AND spray some Febreeze to get rid of the stench.  Get it together please.

2012 is real people.  If you didn't believe me before, you better believe me now.  This shit right here was on the Mayan calendar filed under "what the fuck".  You can believe that.  Get your lives right folks.  The Rapture is upon us.  And 1st Lady and her husky sidekicks just sped that shit up.  *pouring out some liquor for common sense*

Random Thoughts

Today is not a good day for writing for me.  I'm just not in the mood.  But I've had a couple of random thoughts that I wanted to share.

For instance, has anyone ever noticed that the girls in Dirty Money never have a direct facial shot in videos and what not?  The videos are always gritty and smoky, which I guess goes with the whole "Last Train to Paris" theme, but seriously, even in pictures they always have bangs or something blocking a third of their grills.  Now, I have some ideas on why they powers that be over at Bad Boy do this.  It's nothing new.   Diddy uses fashion (like big glasses, hats and hair) and camera tricks to smudge out the unfortunate facial situations of some of the members of girl groups that he produces.   He make them stand way far back and in the rare instances that the do get an upclose shot, they cut away super quick.  Look at some old Total videos and you'll see exactly what I'm talking about.

I'll go ahead and post the trailer for the new album and a video below.  Check them out and let me know if I'm overexaggerating in the comments.

Dear Mama

Tee,

Could you please talk about mother-in-laws with black soul-less hearts?  The ones that are jealous of you and your relationship with your spouse because they are lonely ass bitches?

THICKNESS
_____________________________________________________________________

Dear Thickness,

pause[After that salutation I feel like I should put the obligatory urban "no homo" in this space.]play

First of all, oh my.  There's lots of anger there darlin'.  But I totally get why, so I won't judge.  Now before I can continue with this response I have to let you know that I totally cannot relate to your issue.  My mother-in-law is a sweetheart.  She's a little touched in the head, but who among us isn't?  I don't judge her for her wackiness and she doesn't judge me for mine.

But back to your question.  You are not alone Thickness.  I actually have several friends with this problem.  They are always talking about the mean and outrageous shit that their MILs say or do. The idea of bitchy MILs really perplexes me.  Again, I cannot fathom being mean to someone just because they are boinking my kid.   I mean I really, REALLY love my son.  But any broad that can take him and the bills that he accumulates away is alright with me.  Don't get me wrong, there are certain standards that this broad must meet and uphold.  Not because I don't want her with my baby.  But because I don't want any type of ratchetness associated with my family name.  That shit will get checked at the door. 

But I still don't understand being mean to the boo for no reason at all.  But I do have a theory, you mentioned it earlier.  Here it goes:  they are lonely.  Super simple right?  But this is what it has to be.  Only a chick with no goals, no life, no man, or no friends (or all of the above) would spend her time worrying about the goings on in another woman's home.  She's worried about you and what you and her son are doing because you took away the only thing that she had even a little bit of control over, her child.  Without that she's got nothing. 

You've heard the old addage "misery loves company", right?  Well, I can only guess that a chick with no goals, no life, no man, or no friends (or all of the above) is probably one of the most miserable beings on Earth.  She's just trying to pull you into her dark, murky world of miserable-ness.  Don't fall for it.  As much as you want to drop her with a "People's Elbow", don't! If you react violently, she wins.  If you act crazy, she gets to tell everybody "yeah, I told you Thickness ain't shit.  I told y'all she crazy.  I told y'all my son deserves better."

No Thickness, violence is not what's gonna win this battle.  This is what you do: SMILE.  I know right know you're thinking "WTF? Smile? I'm ready to murk this bitch you talkin' 'bout smiling?" Stay with me, please.  And yes, I said smile.  From this point on, say everything with a smile.  This works for me all the time.  You can say the craziest, off the wall shit but if you say it with a 1000 watt smile on your face and in a normal tone of voice, they don't take any offense.  Maybe because they don't take you seriously.  Which is fine.  You'll still get what you have to say off your chest.  You probably need an example, don't you? Here's one.  Let's say you are cooking pies for Thanksgiving dinner.  MIL is in the kitchen with you tasting and criticizing.  Your conversation goes like this:

MIL: Ummm....Thickness.  I don't know why I let you volunteer for the pies.  Next time, use more cinnamon. Damn.
You: Bitch, you can't be serious.  I've worked all day on these pies and I used my Great Grandmother's recipe.  I know it's bossy.  You are just a hater.  Get out of my kitchen with that bullshit.  *smile*
MIL: What?!?! I know you ain't talking crazy to me like that on the holidays!!!
You:  I'll talk crazy to you ANY day. That's the only shit you seem to understand you brainless scallywag. *smile*
MIL: I refuse to take this shit offa you! I'm gonna tell my son and then I'm leaving!!!
You: *smile*

See how that works?  You didn't yell, you didn't fight.  You said exactly what you needed to say.  She's the one that got so mad that she had to leave.  And THAT is what you wanted anyway.  Hopefully, she'll be so mad that she'll never come back.  Yes, the hubster will probably be upset for a little while that you ran his Mommy away but he'll get over it.  When you're a little older I'll tell you how to make him get over it quick.  ;-o 

So, I hope that little tip works for you.  If not, try not to catch a major charge.  I'm not trying to see you on a episode of Snapped or for them to make your case a special episode on Law & Order.  Good luck!

Tee

Darling Nicki?

Dear Tee,

I recently watched the Nicki Minaj Documentary on MTV and it totally changed my impression of her...Initially, I thought that she was being used as this hyper-sexual gimmick to make millions for the industry. However, she seems to be in full control of her image and her business. I realized that her image is no different than Madonna or GaGa( but their antics are regarded as artistic expression). She is not a replica of lil' Kim; NM rarely mentions sex in a rap(that I've heard). She is actually quite talented and creative. Have you seen the show? What are your thoughts on NM...

TW

 _____________________________________________________________________

Hello TW,

Yes, I've seen the show.  I actually watched it twice because the first time I missed the beginning.  I'll say this, the show was well done.  She has a super awesome PR squad.  Because they did a lot to humanize her.  Which was good because she's worked so hard at dehumanizing herself with all of the Barbie crap, the multiple personalities, and whatnot. 

It was interesting to see how much hard work she puts into her craft.  Which is something you have to respect her for.  And as a person who has been called a bitch a time or two, I can totally relate to her feelings on being a professional woman in a male dominated industry.  The information about her background was touching and I found myself wanting to BBM her my shoe size.  But even though I was entertained by the show, I can still say that I'm not a fan.  I'm just not that into her.  Why? Because she's STILL Nicki Minaj.  OK, this is the part where I'm going to be called a hater by somebody, somewhere.  I just can't get into her.  I don't "get" her.  I am perplexed by a her image, her accents, her lacefront choices.  Most everything about her image irritates me.  Which distracts me.  Which keeps me from really listening to what she has to say.
 
However, she plays the part of Nicki Minaj well.  And apparently, from the show, that's all it is, a character. Albeit, a nerve wreckin, nails on chalkboard, irritating, slit your wrists with a butter knife type of character.  She still plays the part with with an amount of vigor that can lightweight be respected.  Which is much more than I can say for Kimberly Jones. That heffa is now a caricature of herself.  Which to me is sad.  I used to be a huge fan.  She had so much potential.  I was enamored with her La Perla sets and premium multi-colored yaki.  She was one of the first to put hoe prose to wax and I thoroughly enjoyed that shit.  I don't know what's happened.  Prison?  Losing her main jump-off status with the death of B.I.G.? Babs Bunny taking Puff Daddy's attention for a milisecond?  I don't know. But she definitely needs Nick Minaj's people on her team.  They can teach her how to expolit bad plastic surgery with lots of contouring and padding.  Give her permission to scream "Young Money" on a track.  And of course she gets a song or two with a feature from Drake.  That shit right there is as good as Oprah playing it as her theme song. 

But like I was saying, the Minaj show was entertaining.  And yes, I do see her a bit differently now that I've gotten to know 2 or 3 more of her personalities.  But no, it does not make me wanna stand out in the cold to buy tickets to her next show.  No, I won't be dying any of my prized lacefronts fuschia.  And absolutely no, I won't be pumping my ass cheeks full of carbon monoxide or whatever the hell they use to give her girth.  I may write and ask for her surgeons info though because if they can transfer gut meat to butt meat the well I'm all about that.

Anyway, thank you for your question TW.  If you have any other topics you want to discuss feel free to drop them in the inbox or put it in the comments.  I truly appreciate you giving me the chance to give my insight. 

Tee

Conversations With My Son

My son is 6 and he says the darndest things.  He asks questions that make me think.  He gives me information about things that I didn't know existed in this world.  The kid is some kind of genius.  But this could be just the Mommy in me talking. 

He and I often have great conversations.  Usually, they are about mundane things like the latest happenings on Dragon Ball Z Kai or debates about who's more awesomer: Spiderman or Iron Man.  But occassionally, he will ask a question or drop some serious knowledge about life.  It's usually something that involves deep thought and often leads to introspection.  For example, today we had a conversation about where babies come from.  It went a little something like this:

Him: Mama, I know how babies get here.
Me:  Really?  How?
Him:  You poop them out. 
Me: Say what?
Him:  Yeah, you poop them out.
Me:  No baby, that's not exactly how it goes.
Him:  Then how does it go?
Me:  Babies come out of the mommy's vagina.  She doesn't poop them out.
Him: Sooooo....I didn't come out of your butt?
Me: No.
Him:  Are you sure, because I could've sworn I came out of your butt. 
Me:  I'm so sorry that you're memory is failing you.  But I promise you didn't come out of my butt.  That's something that I would definitely remember. 
Him: Hmmmm.  So I didn't come out of your butt?  I came out of your buh-gina? *puke face*
Me:  Correct.
Him:  Well that's just gross. *walks away disgusted*

At the moment I'm sitting on my couch letting VH1 Soul watch me while I try and figure this shit out.  I really want to go into his room, press pause on his Looney Tunes DVD, and ask exactly why a baby coming out of your ass is less gross that pushing one the normal way? Because in my opinion it soooooo isn't.  But I know it's going to lead to another conversation that's gonna leave me confused and with more questions, so why bother?  I'll ask the only other adult in the house, surely he'll be able to help me understand the goings on of a 6 year olds mind.

We'll call him Hubby.  Our conversation went like this:

Me: Do you think that a baby coming out of an ass is less gross than natural childbirth?
Hubby: Uhhhh...yeah.
Me: Seriously?  Childbirth, the way that it is, is a beautiful thing.*
Hubby: Yeah, I'm serious.  That shit is gross.  You didn't have to look at it.  I did. *puke face* *shiver*
Me: What did it look like?
Hubby: What? The baby coming out?
Me: Yes.
Hubby: *silence* *blank stare* *shiver* I can't really say because I've blocked it out.  Don't ask again, please.
Me:

Well, that was a bust.  So, here I am, sitting on my couch.  Now NCIS is watching me.  I'm not surprised that both of the XY's think that a baby coming out of one's ass is less gross than actual childbirth.  Men would never think that there's anything great about it.  Not even a kid who thinks you get pregnant by eating special foods that make babies grow in your belly.  Which, now that I think about it, totally goes with his shit 'em out theory!

See? This is what I'm talking about.  He's 6! But he's coming up with theories on things that he knows nothing about that totally makes sense when you put them together even though they are completely crazy and wrong!  This is what I get for reading and letting him listen to classical music in utero.  Next time, I'm dumbing the kid down.  I'm only reading Dick & Jane books and letting the kid listen to Souljah Boy.  I'll be damned if I end up with another one like this in the house with me.  I refuse to be the dumbest person in my own home.

*: I don't really think this.  I personally think pregnancy and childbirth are horrible.  The getting there? GREAT!  The end result? AWESOME! The in-between? *barf*