Apocalypse Now

So by now you know a running theme around these parts is that the end of the world is near.  Well, I'm not the only person who thinks this way.  In fact, I have this melanin deficient friend, we'll call him Stinkmeiner, that pretty much feels the same way as me.  And yes I realize that's an old black man from The Boondocks, but trust me, the attitude is the same.  This is why we get along.

Anyways, I asked him how he felt about the whole Harold Camping End of Days debacle. The following are his thoughts on the apocalypse.
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I was going to come up with some sort of fancy explanation/introduction for who I am and why Tee would request that I write a guest blog entry (specifically about the non-apocalypse), but then I figured you're already going to have to read and/or tolerate and/or be enraged or amused by what I write, so why not spare you the extra pain and let Tee do that instead.  I'm assuming she has and that you have already read it.  Thus, without further ado:

Countdown to Apocalypse!

Buckle up, kids!  The end is Nigh!  In 3... 2... 1...

Well...shit.  Looks like we should have saved for your college education after all! 

For those of you who have been living under a rock, some jackass predicted on his homebrew radio show that the world would end May 21st.  Somehow, he convinced a bunch of other jackasses that this was true, and they made a bunch of noise about it and have now slunk away to lick their wounds. 

So, in the wake of the recent end of the world shenanigans, we are left to wonder: Now what do we do?  The Bronx Zoo Cobra has returned to his home, the world didn't end, and for some reason people continue to watch Dancing with the Stars... (who won?  I didn't see it.  Oooh, I hope it was Chelsea!). [Tee's Note: I didn't watch it either, but Hines Ward won.  Dude, I told you to always bet on black...]

I suppose the easiest thing to do would be to continue to point and laugh, to watch the sad parade of the faithful as they slink back to their homes and their jobs (assuming they still have them).  But then, really, where is the fun in that?  And, truth be told, they weren't wrong.  The world is ending.  We just haven't noticed yet.  For that matter, it's probably already over with and we couldn't be bothered to look up from our mass-media trough of shit to see it.

You want real signs of the apocalypse?  They're everywhere.  At this point, you should be expecting a rant about reality TV, fast food, Lady Gaga, Nicki Minaj, Justin Bieber, that stupid girl who made that "It's Friday" song or whatever the hell it is, and every other dumbass thing that young people do and/or like.  And you would be right to expect it, all those things are fair game. 

But let's look at the bigger picture. 

Randy "Macho Man" Savage is dead.  Explain to me how that tireless purveyor of the Slim Jim, who should have been so loaded with preservatives, so as to effectively be immortal, has a heart attack and dies while the entire cast of Jersey Shore continues to live? 

Or, why we keep churning out Resident Evil movies, and Wesley Snipes thinks it's not fair that he has to pay taxes (and I agree, he should be paying me back for that last Blade movie), and oh my God they're really making a Transformers 3 (who watches these things? [Tee's Note: I do. Hater.]) and, oh yeah, Netflix is proud to announce that White Chicks is now available for instant streaming!  (To be fair, so is the Jim Carrey version of A Christmas Carol, for which I am still waiting for a personal apology). 

I guess what I am saying to you people is, please for the love of God find something better to do!  We're lucky that Old Testament God™ promised not to wipe us off the planet again, because man, if I were He (or She--who's to say, really?), I sure would do it!  [Tee's Note: Me too.  Except, I wouldn't take folks out in one fell swoop.  I'd drop folks sniper style.  With hopes that people would get a clue before everyone is gone.]

So here's what I want you to do.  If you have kids, like, little kids, I mean, ask them what they would like to do this weekend.  And, assuming it's possible, do it!  Go outside, go to the park, go to Kroger.  Whatever they want to do, find a reason and a way to say yes to it, and just go do something meaningful.  If you have adult children, call them, and tell them that you are proud of them.  Tell them that they have done a good job with their lives, and that you love them.  And then...here's the big part...withhold any criticism that you may have.  Just keep your mouth shut and enjoy the moment.  If you don't have little kids, or adult children, call your brothers or sisters, or even friends.  Just make sure that you spend some meaningful time with an actual person that does not involve television, iPad, smartphone, bluetooth, PC, or Mac.  That said, for those of you who have teenagers... well, piss on them.  They won't appreciate any of it anyway. ;)

So there you go.  Paris Hilton is getting another show.  There are now 5 different shows where people don't do anything except make cakes.  Criss Angel doesn't wash his hair but still hooks up with a Playmate...

You think the world is ending?  It's over, baby!  Put up a billboard about that!
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Many thanks to Stinkmeaner for his contribution.  I'm pretty much with him. 
Now, remember Tee has been telling you that the end is near for quite some time now, but it seems I don't have Yahweh on speed dial telling me all his bizness like Mr. Camping does, so I can't say for sure when it will be.

Anyway, since I don't have Jehovah in my BBM contacts, I figured he sent us a clue when I came across this:


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I've always said that walking into Walmart was like entering the gates of Hell. If People of Walmart isn't enough to convince you, this damn sure should be.

Seriously though? P-poppin in a grocery cart? Bussin' it wide open in the pannie aisle? Random dump truck built chicks giving it all they got in the parking lot? I can't.

I would ask who gave these clowns clearance for these shenanigans but...it's Walmart.  Nobody there gives a shit about life.

I could go on for days about this one, but I don't have time.  I got end of days fuckery to get into (just in case).

And if this don't happen and you see me on the news tomorrow, forward all bail donations to my PayPal.