Every now and again some white folks will get together and do a remake of a hit song recorded by some black artist. Then they post it on YouTube and the version is so awesome that black folks can't help but to shower them with praise, forward the video billions of times, and hurdle them into the coolness stratosphere.
It happened earlier this week with this group called Karmin. They have gone viral due to their uber Caucasian cover of Chris Brown's remix to "Look At Me Now".
I know the innanets are loving these guys, but I'm just not that into them.
Not because they don't have talent. It's obvious that they do. It's just everytime I see this video and especially after seeing their performance on Ellen this afternoon, I see this:
And I can't take them seriously.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Viva Las Vegas!
I spent last weekend in Las Vegas. It was super fabulous! I haven't had that much fun in a very, very long time. I love visiting that place and I know I'll be going back sometime soon.
Actually, I think I could live there. I mean, gambling is not an issue for me. I hate to lose and if I get rid of my scratch it's going to be on something I to accessorize my fabness or fill my belly.
But please don't think that becase I don't make a habit out of gambling that I don't know what I'm doing when I sit down at one of those tables friend. You should know that I straight housed this sweet little dealer named Helen from Taipei, Taiwan (it was on her name tag) for quite a few chips on the Blackjack table. I'm sure she'll be telling stories about my greatness for many years to come.
Anyway, like I was saying, I could live there. Not because of the gambling or the shopping, but because that place is the people watching mecca of the world!! Oh Em Gee!! So much damn foolishness and shenanigans going on!
I'm serious. I seriously had to take a seat on Las Vegas Boulevard. My mind literally overloaded on ratchetness and I shut the hell down. Some might say it was the delightful mix of sun + likka + lots of wholesome goodtimery that caused the blackout. But...nah....I can't say I'm going to blame it on that.
It was the frilly guy in all pink errthang highstepping down the street like his name was Naomi Campbell. (For the record, I totally didn't mean to snap my fingers and scream "WERKKKKK BITCH!!!")
It was the very husky girl in the extra petite booty shorts.
It was dusty Spiderman in a size smedium costume showcasing a ridiculous amount of moose knuckle.
It was the group of young men sprinting down the street in knee high argyle socks, suspenders, and very skimpy manties in an array of Springtime colors..
It was the guy in front of the M&M store who was so drunk off of his ass that he had to travel on his hands and knees, finally giving up and taking slumber on the sidewalk.
It was the one woman flash mob dancing to the music in her head in front of the Venetian.
There was plenty more, but just thinking about it is causing my heart to race.
Like I said, total shenanigan overload. But I loved every damn minute of it. I did have to hit a buffet to recuperate. But that hat didn't work out like I thought it would. Because as I tried to eat my plate of cheesecake and various other sugary sweet delectables, I watched one of y'all's MeMaw down a whole bottle Pinot, some crab legs, and a couple slabs of ribs. And then she proceeded to cuss out PaPaw for taking too long to help her up so she could get more.
Anyway, despite my near death by foolishness experience, I would totally pack my bags and move to the desert. That shit is the bomb!
Next time some of y'all will have to go with me! It would be such an awesome time.
Just be warned that if at any point in time I slow down and start walking 10-15 paces behind it's because I'm taking in some YOUR ratchetness and likely taking pics to preserve your shenanigans for a time when giggles are slow to come by.
Actually, I think I could live there. I mean, gambling is not an issue for me. I hate to lose and if I get rid of my scratch it's going to be on something I to accessorize my fabness or fill my belly.
But please don't think that becase I don't make a habit out of gambling that I don't know what I'm doing when I sit down at one of those tables friend. You should know that I straight housed this sweet little dealer named Helen from Taipei, Taiwan (it was on her name tag) for quite a few chips on the Blackjack table. I'm sure she'll be telling stories about my greatness for many years to come.
Anyway, like I was saying, I could live there. Not because of the gambling or the shopping, but because that place is the people watching mecca of the world!! Oh Em Gee!! So much damn foolishness and shenanigans going on!
I'm serious. I seriously had to take a seat on Las Vegas Boulevard. My mind literally overloaded on ratchetness and I shut the hell down. Some might say it was the delightful mix of sun + likka + lots of wholesome goodtimery that caused the blackout. But...nah....I can't say I'm going to blame it on that.
It was the frilly guy in all pink errthang highstepping down the street like his name was Naomi Campbell. (For the record, I totally didn't mean to snap my fingers and scream "WERKKKKK BITCH!!!")
It was the very husky girl in the extra petite booty shorts.
It was dusty Spiderman in a size smedium costume showcasing a ridiculous amount of moose knuckle.
It was the group of young men sprinting down the street in knee high argyle socks, suspenders, and very skimpy manties in an array of Springtime colors..
It was the guy in front of the M&M store who was so drunk off of his ass that he had to travel on his hands and knees, finally giving up and taking slumber on the sidewalk.
It was the one woman flash mob dancing to the music in her head in front of the Venetian.
There was plenty more, but just thinking about it is causing my heart to race.
Like I said, total shenanigan overload. But I loved every damn minute of it. I did have to hit a buffet to recuperate. But that hat didn't work out like I thought it would. Because as I tried to eat my plate of cheesecake and various other sugary sweet delectables, I watched one of y'all's MeMaw down a whole bottle Pinot, some crab legs, and a couple slabs of ribs. And then she proceeded to cuss out PaPaw for taking too long to help her up so she could get more.
Anyway, despite my near death by foolishness experience, I would totally pack my bags and move to the desert. That shit is the bomb!
Next time some of y'all will have to go with me! It would be such an awesome time.
Just be warned that if at any point in time I slow down and start walking 10-15 paces behind it's because I'm taking in some YOUR ratchetness and likely taking pics to preserve your shenanigans for a time when giggles are slow to come by.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Ummmmm.....thanks?
So today some friends and I were talking about compliments. We had run across a blog were the girl was super upset that someone had called her "cute". Apparently, because she was a grown ass woman being called anything but "grown and sexy" is offensive.
I can dig it. There are a lot of things that people call me that I don't particularly care for. One of them is "shawty". I happen to be on the smaller end of the stature stick, but there's not reason for folks to be rubbing it in my face. I have to own up to it every time my 7 year old has to get something off the top shelf for me. OK, so I know it's some pseudo term of endearment for folks that live down South, but damn, some of us are sensitive. Shit.
Anyway, I don't particularly think "cute" is a bad word. Mainly, because I think I'm cute. I have a delightfully appealing face. I'm just that awesome. If more people in the world were as cute as me, we would have world peace and the economy would stabilize.
Alright, I'm getting off topic. My awesomeness is not what I wanted to talk about today. What I wanted to say was, sometimes people think that they are giving you a compliment when it could quite possibly be the absolute wrong thing to say.
For example, today I wore my hair wrapped. Think Erykah Badu in the "On and On" video, but not as huge. Anyway, a coworker says to me "Tee, I love your headpiece. You look so warm and interesting. You always put yourself together so well."
Warm and interesting? What the fuck does that mean?
Warm and interesting? What the hell do you do with that? Most of you would say "say thank you you dumbass", but I really didn't want to.
Why?
Because I'm me. And I know that when I say things like a person looks "warm and interesting" it really means that they look like a hot, steaming, fresh pile of shit. Warm and interesting sounds like a way a dude would describe his girlfriends homely roommate when he's trying to hook her up with one of his friends. Warm and interesting is eating a nice, hot plate of mystery meat. Warm and interesting are fighting words. A damn declaration of war. That's what the hell warm and interesting are. Shit.
And I was kind of offended by the "you put yourself together so well" comment too. I mean, we were at work. The fuck I'm supposed to do? Come in there looking like I was rooming under the overpass with Ted Williams? I work in a professional environment, looking put together is part of my job. Tomorrow, I'm going to wear a pair of pajama pants and my son's Transformer house slippers. See what she thinks about that.
I'm sure I'm being overly sensitive. My husband thinks that I am. I guess I should concentrate on the fact that what she said was positive overall. But, whatever for that. From now on I'm going to be dropping all kinds of underhanded jewels on her ass. She's not going to know what hit her.
And I would totally rock Hubby's oversensitive argument if a different coworker hadn't come to me about an hour later with this foolishness: "Tee. You look so pretty! I love those colors in your headwrap. You look very African!"
Say what?
Really, ma'am? Really? I mean, in case you haven't noticed I'm black. At last count, I'd been black all my life. I look African every damn day.
Seriously though. Where do I find the compliment in that? I need someone to show me. Because if I had said some shit like, "Guten Tag, Betsey. You looking really German today" somebody would have filed a grievance on me.
Now for those of you that know me in real life, you know that NOT saying what I wanted to say was hard. Acting with tact and diplomacy in these types of situations is rather difficult for me.
You know that if this had happened over on MLK, Jr. Boulevard things would have been way different. I totally would have given those old hoes an epic beatdown. Verbally and otherwise.
The world would've been 2 grandmas short. That's all I'm saying.
You people need to get your acts together. You can't just be popping off with this kind of shit all willy nilly. It takes skill and complete disregard for humankind and their feelings to combine a bullshit compliment with a lightweight diss and come up with something so devasting that it makes your self-esteem dig a hole to China.
If you can't do that, just keep your piehole shut. You're only going to piss me off.
I can dig it. There are a lot of things that people call me that I don't particularly care for. One of them is "shawty". I happen to be on the smaller end of the stature stick, but there's not reason for folks to be rubbing it in my face. I have to own up to it every time my 7 year old has to get something off the top shelf for me. OK, so I know it's some pseudo term of endearment for folks that live down South, but damn, some of us are sensitive. Shit.
Anyway, I don't particularly think "cute" is a bad word. Mainly, because I think I'm cute. I have a delightfully appealing face. I'm just that awesome. If more people in the world were as cute as me, we would have world peace and the economy would stabilize.
Alright, I'm getting off topic. My awesomeness is not what I wanted to talk about today. What I wanted to say was, sometimes people think that they are giving you a compliment when it could quite possibly be the absolute wrong thing to say.
For example, today I wore my hair wrapped. Think Erykah Badu in the "On and On" video, but not as huge. Anyway, a coworker says to me "Tee, I love your headpiece. You look so warm and interesting. You always put yourself together so well."
Warm and interesting? What the fuck does that mean?
Warm and interesting? What the hell do you do with that? Most of you would say "say thank you you dumbass", but I really didn't want to.
Why?
Because I'm me. And I know that when I say things like a person looks "warm and interesting" it really means that they look like a hot, steaming, fresh pile of shit. Warm and interesting sounds like a way a dude would describe his girlfriends homely roommate when he's trying to hook her up with one of his friends. Warm and interesting is eating a nice, hot plate of mystery meat. Warm and interesting are fighting words. A damn declaration of war. That's what the hell warm and interesting are. Shit.
And I was kind of offended by the "you put yourself together so well" comment too. I mean, we were at work. The fuck I'm supposed to do? Come in there looking like I was rooming under the overpass with Ted Williams? I work in a professional environment, looking put together is part of my job. Tomorrow, I'm going to wear a pair of pajama pants and my son's Transformer house slippers. See what she thinks about that.
I'm sure I'm being overly sensitive. My husband thinks that I am. I guess I should concentrate on the fact that what she said was positive overall. But, whatever for that. From now on I'm going to be dropping all kinds of underhanded jewels on her ass. She's not going to know what hit her.
And I would totally rock Hubby's oversensitive argument if a different coworker hadn't come to me about an hour later with this foolishness: "Tee. You look so pretty! I love those colors in your headwrap. You look very African!"
Say what?
Really, ma'am? Really? I mean, in case you haven't noticed I'm black. At last count, I'd been black all my life. I look African every damn day.
Seriously though. Where do I find the compliment in that? I need someone to show me. Because if I had said some shit like, "Guten Tag, Betsey. You looking really German today" somebody would have filed a grievance on me.
Now for those of you that know me in real life, you know that NOT saying what I wanted to say was hard. Acting with tact and diplomacy in these types of situations is rather difficult for me.
You know that if this had happened over on MLK, Jr. Boulevard things would have been way different. I totally would have given those old hoes an epic beatdown. Verbally and otherwise.
The world would've been 2 grandmas short. That's all I'm saying.
You people need to get your acts together. You can't just be popping off with this kind of shit all willy nilly. It takes skill and complete disregard for humankind and their feelings to combine a bullshit compliment with a lightweight diss and come up with something so devasting that it makes your self-esteem dig a hole to China.
If you can't do that, just keep your piehole shut. You're only going to piss me off.
Monday, April 11, 2011
Random Thoughts: Theories
I don't profess to know everything, but I try my damndest to make up something so that I have an answer for all questions. Most of my answers come from what I call my "theories". Just about everything that I say, all of my non-religious beliefs usually can be traced back to one of my theories. Most are pretty random, but they all make complete sense to me. So much sense that I will debate you to within an inch of your life using just my brain and the foolishness floating around in it as a reference. My husband hates that. I'm sure most of my friends do too.
I've decided to share some of my less controversial theories with you today. I didn't want to give you too much because my shit would get red flagged quicker than a direct BBM to Kim Jong-il.
1. Every woman is one menstrual cycle away from starring in her own episode of Snapped.
When you are on your period there is always an XY close by doing the dougie on your last good nerve. What is it about this time that makes even a mute dude want to speak up and ask a million dumb questions? Seriously? How many different ways can you explain that it feels like the devil and his minions decided to build a pup tent on your ovaries and spend their free time dancing a jig up and down your uterine wall and you just want to be left the hell alone? I've counted 43,672 that I've used on my own. Maybe you have more.
2. Even the lowest of LSEs can find love on the innanets.
Thirst and desperation are running rampant in these streets folks. Some of the things that people do for attention just boggles my mind. I don't recall ever being able to photos of folks privacy without having to pay for access on a special site. Folks are doing all kinds of unnecessary stuff for attention. Like choreographing wack moves and dry humping electronics during these dance routines. Or a grown man covering himself in bubbles while basking in the glow of candlelight. I'm sure there are other ways to show off your Mama's garden tub. Stop it.
3. Politicians are not in politics for the betterment of the people, they are for the enhancement of their ego.
The threat of the government shutdown pretty much solidified my opinion of all politicians. Their level of aintshitness is above and beyond that of any other ainshit individual on this Earth. I believe that everyone who knows someone who would have been directly or indirectly affected by the shutdown should examine how this issue was handled by BOTH parties. Look at this and they way that other decisions that have affected policy have been made and make sure that you use this information to make an informed decision at the polls in 2012.
4. The Devil invented reality television.
I honestly never thought that I would get to the point where I would utter the following statement, but...I'm totally and completely over reality television. I'm convinced that the Devil and his minions have taken root in my HDTV. In the past week I've seen people participate in every deadly sin and every Commandment was broken at least twice. Now I don't profess to be the most religious person, but there's only so much sloth, greed, adultery, and coveting that my heart can take. That said, whenever I watch most shows, especially the ones with "wives" I feel like committing murders soooo......
5. The world will end soon because the Good Lord doesn't want the kids of today to be the leaders of tomorrow.
Have you ever heard of Ices Brown*? I rest my case.
6. Being an aintshit individual qualifies you to give advice on love and life.
Steve Harvey and Tyrese are best-selling authors these days and their books are not about telling jokes or singing songs. They are in the self-help category. Four marriages, a few mistresses, a bullshit Wendell Williams interview, and at least one domestic violence arrest between them. Just marinate on that for a moment.
7. The people who create the menus at Denny's are employed by Ghadafi (or maybe Castro).
Now I like a crispy piece of pork deliciousness as much as the next person. In fact, I'm not ashamed to say that Oscar Mayer thick cut applewood smoked bacon gives me immense amounts of joy. But anybody that tries to accelerate the death of the American people via high cholesterol with shit like "Baconalia" can't be for us. At all. I don't give a damn what you say.
8. Male aintshitness is genetic.
I don't care what folks say aintshitness is not learned behavior. I know some guys that ain't been worth a damn sense the day they were born. I'm not scientist, but I'd venture to say it's attached to the Y chromosome and that it activates at some point after conception but before the balls drop. You might think I'm hating on dudes, but I know for a fact that a child can be as aintshit as a grown man. For example, The Kid chumped me for damn near a month when he was around 9 months old. He had me picking him up and carrying his deadweight ass all over the place thinking that he couldn't walk but was actually moving and exploring the daycare like his name is Matthew Henson. But let me come around and he'd sit down and pretend like he had no use of his lower limbs. Aintshitness. At 9 months old. Eye color, hair color, height, aintshitness: you get them all the same way.
9. The economy has affected hoshit.
After having such an awesome 2010, 2011 ain't turning out so good for the hoes. New hoes impressed by the previous years returns have saturated the market. Supply is far greater than demand. Couple that with a recession and you get rappers are tossin' hoes out of front seats into the streets because $150 couldn't seal the deal. Gloria Allred can't get a jumpoff a book contract, reality show, or record deal. Chicks are twitter beefing over rappers with a hit and a half. Times are hard people. Good, clean ho type fun is no longer where it's at. I blame The Tea Party.
Well, that's all I can give you. Like I said, I have plenty more, but I totally don't want you to think that I'm a loon so I'm going to keep the rest to myself.
Oh, and sorry it took me so long to post something. Life has been pretty hectic lately. I'll try to neglect my family and other responsibilities a little more so I can write for you guys on a regular basis.
*Just thought you all should know that Ices Brown is sign #45939348293-344d and #12385485739 that the world is coming to an end.
I've decided to share some of my less controversial theories with you today. I didn't want to give you too much because my shit would get red flagged quicker than a direct BBM to Kim Jong-il.
1. Every woman is one menstrual cycle away from starring in her own episode of Snapped.
When you are on your period there is always an XY close by doing the dougie on your last good nerve. What is it about this time that makes even a mute dude want to speak up and ask a million dumb questions? Seriously? How many different ways can you explain that it feels like the devil and his minions decided to build a pup tent on your ovaries and spend their free time dancing a jig up and down your uterine wall and you just want to be left the hell alone? I've counted 43,672 that I've used on my own. Maybe you have more.
2. Even the lowest of LSEs can find love on the innanets.
Thirst and desperation are running rampant in these streets folks. Some of the things that people do for attention just boggles my mind. I don't recall ever being able to photos of folks privacy without having to pay for access on a special site. Folks are doing all kinds of unnecessary stuff for attention. Like choreographing wack moves and dry humping electronics during these dance routines. Or a grown man covering himself in bubbles while basking in the glow of candlelight. I'm sure there are other ways to show off your Mama's garden tub. Stop it.
3. Politicians are not in politics for the betterment of the people, they are for the enhancement of their ego.
The threat of the government shutdown pretty much solidified my opinion of all politicians. Their level of aintshitness is above and beyond that of any other ainshit individual on this Earth. I believe that everyone who knows someone who would have been directly or indirectly affected by the shutdown should examine how this issue was handled by BOTH parties. Look at this and they way that other decisions that have affected policy have been made and make sure that you use this information to make an informed decision at the polls in 2012.
4. The Devil invented reality television.
I honestly never thought that I would get to the point where I would utter the following statement, but...I'm totally and completely over reality television. I'm convinced that the Devil and his minions have taken root in my HDTV. In the past week I've seen people participate in every deadly sin and every Commandment was broken at least twice. Now I don't profess to be the most religious person, but there's only so much sloth, greed, adultery, and coveting that my heart can take. That said, whenever I watch most shows, especially the ones with "wives" I feel like committing murders soooo......
5. The world will end soon because the Good Lord doesn't want the kids of today to be the leaders of tomorrow.
Have you ever heard of Ices Brown*? I rest my case.
6. Being an aintshit individual qualifies you to give advice on love and life.
Steve Harvey and Tyrese are best-selling authors these days and their books are not about telling jokes or singing songs. They are in the self-help category. Four marriages, a few mistresses, a bullshit Wendell Williams interview, and at least one domestic violence arrest between them. Just marinate on that for a moment.
7. The people who create the menus at Denny's are employed by Ghadafi (or maybe Castro).
Now I like a crispy piece of pork deliciousness as much as the next person. In fact, I'm not ashamed to say that Oscar Mayer thick cut applewood smoked bacon gives me immense amounts of joy. But anybody that tries to accelerate the death of the American people via high cholesterol with shit like "Baconalia" can't be for us. At all. I don't give a damn what you say.
8. Male aintshitness is genetic.
I don't care what folks say aintshitness is not learned behavior. I know some guys that ain't been worth a damn sense the day they were born. I'm not scientist, but I'd venture to say it's attached to the Y chromosome and that it activates at some point after conception but before the balls drop. You might think I'm hating on dudes, but I know for a fact that a child can be as aintshit as a grown man. For example, The Kid chumped me for damn near a month when he was around 9 months old. He had me picking him up and carrying his deadweight ass all over the place thinking that he couldn't walk but was actually moving and exploring the daycare like his name is Matthew Henson. But let me come around and he'd sit down and pretend like he had no use of his lower limbs. Aintshitness. At 9 months old. Eye color, hair color, height, aintshitness: you get them all the same way.
9. The economy has affected hoshit.
After having such an awesome 2010, 2011 ain't turning out so good for the hoes. New hoes impressed by the previous years returns have saturated the market. Supply is far greater than demand. Couple that with a recession and you get rappers are tossin' hoes out of front seats into the streets because $150 couldn't seal the deal. Gloria Allred can't get a jumpoff a book contract, reality show, or record deal. Chicks are twitter beefing over rappers with a hit and a half. Times are hard people. Good, clean ho type fun is no longer where it's at. I blame The Tea Party.
Well, that's all I can give you. Like I said, I have plenty more, but I totally don't want you to think that I'm a loon so I'm going to keep the rest to myself.
Oh, and sorry it took me so long to post something. Life has been pretty hectic lately. I'll try to neglect my family and other responsibilities a little more so I can write for you guys on a regular basis.
*Just thought you all should know that Ices Brown is sign #45939348293-344d and #12385485739 that the world is coming to an end.
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