SISNS: The Inaugural Edition

The following foolishness has inspired a new blog post category: Shit I Should Never See or SISNS for short.  Now I'm sure you are going to say, "But Tee....most everything on your blog will fit into that category." And you would be correct.  But I've decided to reserve this particular segment for photos of ridiculousness sent to my inbox.  So if you happen to run across some tomfoolery and shenanigans in jpeg form, send it to me and we'll share it with the world. 

For some reason, I'm thinking that it's going to be a whole lot of apocalyptic bullshit in my inbox in the very near future.  You all can try and prove me wrong if you want to.  But I've been in the game a long time.  I know I'm right.

Anyway, I believe that this right here is an awesome way to start off this little social experiment.  I believe you'll agree with me when I say that this right here is some shit that I should never, ever, ever see.  Never in this life or the one beyond.  The following is by far one of the dumbest, most ignorant, shameful things I've witnessed since I hit these innanets way back in the 90s.

*blink blink*

Soooo.....this is what we're doing now people? This is what we are flossin' via our Old Navy v-necks and Forever 21 tees? 

There are so many things wrong with this picture, but how about we start with the most obvious: the fact that somebodies dumb ass can't spell.  Now, I'm no Wiz Khalifa but I have a couple pieces and I know for a fact that the artist asks you about a million times if everything is spelled correctly before they start working.  So how the hell did we get STARRING? Starring.  Seriously ma'am? Starring?  As in "them floppy ass jugs of yours are starring in the worst damn titty tattoo since titties were invented"?

I'm quite sure that you meant STARING.  And since we are on the subject...what exactly are your mammories looking at? Because they are suffering from a classic case of wonkiness dear.  I'm getting all kinds of Cookie Monster vibes.  No bueno.

I also find it hard to believe that you didn't know that folks would be staring at your dumb ass for putting two extra areolas on your titties.  Who wouldn't stare at that shit?  Right now I'm staring at the picture and wondering what the fuck your thought process was when you did this to yourself.  I'm staring at it and praying for our future generations.  I'm staring at it and hoping that no other variations of this colossal tattoo fail exist.  I'm staring and hoping the universe gets a do over.  I'm staring and praying that this doesn't cause a malfunction on God's End of Days stopwatch.

Exactly how much Boone's Farm and meth did your ass have to ingest for you to think that this was ever okay?  There's nothing right about this.  Seriously, even a baby being whose only way of being nourished is being fed from those thangs would give you a strong *side-eye* and WTF before they considered latching on.

This much I know is true: your friends and family don't like you.  If they did we wouldn't be sitting here with me telling your simple ass basic stuff like "never tattoo misspelled words and eyeballs on your bosom".  A real friend would have never cosigned on these kinds of shenanigans.  A real friend would have talked so greasy to you when the idea came up that you would cringe whenever the thought of it entered your brain.  No ma'am.  I hate to break this news to you, but your people might even hate you.  Because anyone with a little bit of love for you wouldn't have taken this picture and posted it on these innanets.  No there can't possibly be any love involved in this right here.  None what-so-ever.  Especially love for self.  This right here should be considered self-mutilation.  People that like themselves don't do this.



Under Dog says:It's for mankind that I shed a tear! And it's because of this shit right here!

I'm sure finding out that your friends hate you was a shocker.  And I really hate to be bearing all this bad news, but you also need to know that nobody was staring at your titties before you got that heinous tattoo.  They aren't even good jugs.  They look like freakin' hound dog ears.  Just laying there all lifeless, mopey, and depressed.  Nobody likes unhappy boobs.  Instead of walking around like you are carrying Under Dog in your top you should perk them shits up.  A good bra, some lotion, some bronzer even.  Then maybe folks will stare at you for reasons other than pity and disbelief. 
Honestly, if I were you, I'd invest in a lifetime supply of turtlenecks, scarves, overalls, ascots, and bibs. That foolishness right there should never in your life see another ray of sunshine.  But I know you are going to keep it on display.  You wouldn't have gotten it if you didn't want people to see.  So I have one request for you: could you tattoo some tears under those eyeballs?  Because you are killing me.

Oh, and for those of you keeping count, this is reason #39583492821354(ii) that the end of the world is near. *sigh*

Ripped from the Headlines: Stanky Leg

I'm posting this just to let you all know that dumbass criminals are not something that only the South can claim. Check this out...

MILFORD -- A man wanted for stealing 58 containers of deodorant from the Ocean State Job Lot store on Bridgeport Avenue in November was located and arrested on a warrant late last week.

Police said Joseph Mingolello concealed the 58 containers in his pants and then exited the store without paying. Mingolello allegedly pushed a store employee and tried to strike another when they approached him as he was leaving the store.

The incident occurred on Nov. 26. Mingolello of Jewett Avenue in Bridgeport was identified through video survelliance tapes, police said. The deodorant was valued at $188.

Mingolello was charged with third-degree robbery and sixth-degree larceny. He was held on $10,000 bond and is set to appear in state Superior Court in Milford on March 11. (source)

No mugshot was available, but I surely want to see this guy.  I imagine him to be a very small man with a very large crack/meth habit.  He wears a scraggly beard and a thin layer of filth to protect his skin from the third parties living on his clothes.  I describe him this way because only on stanking ass man would need this much Tussy.  And only a crackhead would think that he would get away with shoving that shit down his pant leg and trying to make a run for it.

I'm quite sure all of it wasn't for personal use.  Which begs the question: what in the hell is going on in Connecticut? Are times really that hard up there that folks are resorting to grand theft Arrid? Hell, I'm broke, but if I'm going to rob some folks for dry goods I'm going to go for the good stuff, like Gold Bond powder or something.

I really can't deal with this.  The simpleness of people has really amazed me today.  SMH

Ripped From The Headlines: Snail Mail Gangsta

A friend sent me some more America's Most Special Needs Criminal type ridiculousness.  I swear dumbassness should be a federal charge.

I don't even know where to begin.  I'll let your read and come up with your own shit....I can't.  Not today.

LOUISVILLE, Ky. (WHAS11)-  According to police, a man twice charged with murder and currently in jail awaiting trial has been busted for ordering a hit on a witness.

Antonio Ellison is now charged with solicitation to commit murder, after his mistake landed the letter in the hands of police.

Ellison is charged with the 2009 murder of Ricco Cunningham.

He allegedly sent a letter to a friend, asking him to kill a witness who is supposed to testify against him.

However, Ellison sent the letter to the wrong address.

It is Metro Correction's policy to search incoming mail, but not outgoing mail.

Ellison is currently in jail with a $250,000 bond.

When The Road To High Self Esteem Hits A Dead End...

I don't know how many times I have to tell you all that I'm not anti-hoe shit.  I embrace hoe shit.  I think participation in some healthy hoe shit can get you far in life.  However, there is a time and a place for these types of activities.  A backseat, your boss' office, under the bleachers at the local high school, in the fitting room at the local Big & Tall, there are plenty of options...but I'm here to tell you honey, unless your name is Ritzy Slickbooty, these innanets is.NOT.it!

I mean, I know you all are trying to blow up like like Kim Kardashian, but...some of you should leave the web cam and dance routines alone.  And by some of you I mean this broad


*Big ass blank stare * *SIGH*

Lawd hammercy!!This shit right here? This right here is unacceptable!!! Where are her parents? Is she wearing Depends? She said she has fans...who are these people? And have they booked their tickets to Hell yet?

Look, I can only take so much of this foolishness.  And if you heffas insist on posting your self-produced advertisments of low self-esteem and cries for help online we are going to have to lay down some damn ground rules. 

1. If you suffer from a severe case of noassatall I'm going to need you to focus your video on your titties or at least do us all a favor and wear some Booty Pop panties and try and fool us with an illusion of some ass.  If those bitches on RuPaul's Drag Race can do it, dammit so can you!

2. If you must project your limited ass towards a camera can we at least put on some decent pannies? I mean I'm not saying go out and spend your whole income tax return on La Perla, but some tangas from Target will get you where you need to be.  

3. Clean the area around you. I'm so damn tired of seeing these pics and videos of hoe shit that look like they were filmed in New Orleans the day after the levees broke.  Like, are you so hell bent on grabbing your ankles for your EasyShare that you forgot to clear last weeks laundry off the bed and pick those dirty towels and shit off the bathroom floor?  If I was a dude I would think that cleanliness is just as sexy as those draws you are trying to get off.

4. Clean yourself.  Look this should really be rule #1.  But if I'm watching you and start to itch because it looks like you have a cloud of funk hanging around you like your damn name is Pig Pen some things in your life have to change. 

5. This is really like a 4b.  Moisturize please.  An ashy ass is not a classy ass.  Although the question of class is really a moot issue if we are discussing posting ho shit online... Anyway, get out that tub of Queen Helene's cocoa butter and shellack your whole damn body.  There is really no reason for it to be 2011 and grown folks are still walking around with skin that is about as supple as the Crypt Keeper's. 

6. Make sure your props can carry your weight. It's one thing to watch you make a complete damn fool of yourself, but I don't want to watch you what could possibly be an episode of "I Should Be Dead". I'm just saying.

7. Practice your choreography.  There's really no reason for you to be on camera counting your steps.  Looking like a moose stuck in headlights is not a good look.  Freestyling ain't for everybody.

That's all I got.  I can't spend my life holding on to your hand and walking you dumbasses through this.  Get your acts together.

Also, I think that you all should know that the video I just posted is like sign #29394930481-30 that the world is coming to an end.

(source)

Burlesque Boy

Listen, I love a drag queen.  I'm into RuPaul's Drag Race like most folks are into sports and food.  In fact, I believe I may have been a gay man in a former life because I live for musicals, make up, fake hair, Glee, and club music.  In fact whenever songs like "Only Girl" or "It's Raining Men" comes on I feel it's my duty to stand up and twirl....location doesn't matter.  I've been caught at least twice at my job twerking it like I was the last man standing in Connections.

Anyway, I won't say much about this other than it made my heart smile and my soul get warm this good morning.  I guess they start them off young...


Original Video - More videos at TinyPic

I die. (source)

That's Love

So today is Valentine's Day.  Millions of people all of the world are sitting at home with a shoestring around their necks ready to take themselves out because they ain't got a boo.  No one to share this long night with.  Nobody to stare at over flickering candles at the Bonefish.  No sucker with whom you can gift Hershey Kisses and personalized M&M's.  Well, honey, let me tell you something.  Sometimes having a boo isn't all it's cracked up to be.  Sometimes, you get so caught up in the love that you end up doing things that some love starved yahoo who is in their right mind would never, ever, ever do.  Sometimes you do very, very, very dumb shit.  And you know it's dumb, but you rationalize it by saying that it was done in love.

We all have a friend that has stayed with the wrong person too long because she loved him.  We all know a guy that went nuts over some tail that he should have left in the scrap heap where she belongs.  We all have done something so ludicrous that everyone in your family hits you with the *side-eye* years after it happened.  All of us have been fools for love. 

But, I'm willing to bet the NONE of us, and when I say us I mean me, have ever posted that foolishness up on these innanets so that the whole universe can giggle at your simpleness.  I'd bet big scratch that no one in your Circle of Trust has ever done some shit like this:



It takes a special kind of love to get on YouTube with your bestie and karaoke a love song into a flashlight to your main squeeze on lockdown. But Mook and Pooh express their love on a regular basis.  They have a actually have a whole series, The Inmate Wives of Baltimore.  Check them out.  I'm not saying anything else.

And what about these two clowns?  Love made them take a family photo.  A prequel of sorts....

Now I'm not one to knock a persons parenting skills or partying choices...but...4 Loko and Ciroc?  I'm sure her love of that particular mixture is why she's in the predicament she's in.  And he had to love her a whole lot to actually take a snapshot of himself sucking from a bottle of Enfamil.  All I know is, if life is like this when baby comes that kid doesn't stand a chance.  He's going to be tossing Avent bottles around like Tom Cruise did the Goose in Cocktail.

And just so that we are clear, I want everyone to know that we don't discriminate over here in Tee's World.  We know that tomfoolery comes in every color.  I have no idea who they are, but I've decided to call them Buffy and Powder.

Buffy must have a some major trap door action to get this grown ass man to do some shit like this.  I can barely get Hubby to go outside on a very windy day without a jacket on.  She's figured out a way to get Powder to do some pregnancy fetish porn via a Sears portrait studio photo.  That's game.  From the looks of things, that Powder loves him some Buffy.  This picture makes me wonder if he's been stuck in the position since the day of conception...

Love is a dangerous thing.  Love will have you doing all kinds of unsavory shit.  It's a feeling so strong that it makes you lose all command of your good common damn sense and you end up doing record levels of dumbassness.  Love will have you stalking Facebook photo albums and statuses of his exes.  It will have you bustin' windows out of cars.  It will have you tattooing stuff like "Eldrick 4-Eva" on your ass. 

The Book of Love says that love is patient and kind, it is never boastful, and it never fails.  Well, I'm here to tell you folks, that if that is the definition of what to look for then it's quite obvious that I have NO LOVE for any of the people above or anyone who does anything like them. 

So, if you want to keep your place in my world, before you press record on the video camera, before you open your mouth to say cheese...STOP! Stop and think about what it is that you are about to do and how it will look to you in 5 days, 5 weeks, and 5 years.  And if that doesn't do it for you think about how it's going to make ME feel. 

Yep.  Just like that.

Twitter

The blog is attempting to tweet now.  I say attempt because I have no damn idea what I'm doing.  Anyway, follow me @alleyezon_tee.

Conversations With My Son: The Middle-Ages

Okay, last night while minding my own business and watching Criminal Minds The Kid saunters into my room.  It’s way past his bedtime so I’m curious as to why he is standing in my bedroom doorway with a peculiar smirk on his face.   Now, as long as I’ve been knowing him you would think that I would consider this particular knowing smirk a red flag.  Whenever I see it I know something ridiculous is coming.  But instead of heading things off at the pass and sending him back to his room, what do I do?  I invite him in.  That’s like the number one rule with all scary movies, never invite the stranger in! They always end up tearing you apart. 

And that's how it always is with my son.  I’ve been known to call The Kid by his alias The Self-Esteem Slayer*.  I swear he can figure out a way to make even the most conceited and convinced person want to turn all mirrors backward and stay locked in a dark room far away from civilization like The Beast. 

Anyway, I invite him in with the hopes of getting a hug or a snuggle or some kind of form of affection that a son normally gives his mother.  Instead, I get this:

Him:  Mama can I ask you something?

Me:  Sure.  Ask.

Him:  Are you middle-aged?

Me:  Ummmm.....I don’t think so.

Him:  Are you sure?

Me:  Yes, I'm sure.  I think middle-aged is like when you are in your 50s or 60s.  I’m nowhere near that.  What do you think middle-aged is?

Him:  35

Me:  Ha! Well, I’m not 35, so I’m not middle-aged.

Him:  But you’re close.

Me:  Well...yeah.

Him:  So...I’ll just call you middle-aged.  My middle-aged Mommy!

Me:  Seriously?

Him:  Yes.  Yes, Mama I so serious.

Me:  Well, what about your Dad? Is he middle-aged?

Him: *shakes head* No, Mama, Daddy isn't middle-aged...

Me: *interrupts* Say what?!?! We are the same da....

Him: *finishes* He's just old.

Me:  *blank stare* Oh.  Go to bed.  Tell the monsters in your closet I said hi!!**

I swear this kid thinks we are like Abraham and Sarah up in this piece!!  I mean he seriously thinks that we are living in a senior citizen situation.  And honestly, I’m slightly perturbed by it.  I mean, I have nothing against middle-aged folks, old folks,  or even folks that just have old faces.  But I am not a member of any of those groups.  I’m willing to bet that most people wouldn’t think I was a day over 25 if they met me.  And even if they did they wouldn’t say it out loud (yes that’s a veiled threat).  In other words, I LOOK GOOD! Where the hell this kid got this middle-aged stuff, I'll never know, but he needs to take it back.  He's not going to get through too many of these conversations unscathed.

And I just had a thought: I’m really going to have to work with this guy on how to filter comments when talking to a lady.  He has to know that there are some things that you just don’t say.  Because the first girl he sees with chin hair or a moustache he’s going to say something crazy to her.  I just know it!  And don’t let a poor little lamb ask him if she looks fat in her jeans... damn.  I'm just going to have to make sure we keep good health insurance. *sigh*

*This isn't his only alias, but it's the only one that matters for this story.

**Well, I didn’t really say the monsters part.  But dammit I really wanted to.

I Need Answers

It appears that my people are trying to kill me.  It's like they wait until I get my pressure meds to a therapeutic level and then they do their damndest to push it to astronomical levels.  Remember when I talked to you all about Gucci Mane's ice cream and lightning facial tattoo?  Remember how I said that there's an epidemic of people doing dumb shit to their faces? Well, this right here takes that foolishness to a whole other level.  Some people take their need for attention way, way, WAY too far.

I need somebody to look at this jabroni and give me an explanation on why the hell he would do any of the following:

I Smell Bitchs...

I have so many questions. For instance:
1. If you are going attempt to clown the female species with your wack ass body art can you at least do a damn spell check?
2. And if you're not talking about ALL "bitchs" then why not do a grammar check and add that apostrophe?
3. And if you are only talking about just smelling one breezie (whoever she is), could you identify exactly what part of Bitch are you smelling?  I can't call it, but I'm thinking whatever portion of the Bitch you talking about must smell awful damn delightful for you to draw attention to that snout in order to shout it out.

I swear my son drew a picture just like this shit when he was an embryo

More questions:
4. Do you think people are hating ON you or just hate you because you look the fool?
5. Don't you think "Bitch I'm Foolish" or "Bitch I Ain't Got A Future" or "Bitch I Pissed On All My Damn Options and Now I Can't Be Shit But Fodder For Blogs and Whatnot" would've been a better choice?

I can't keep doing this people.  My heart ain't strong enough.

Ripped From The Headlines: Officers Say Drugs Found In Man's Penis

I'm posting this foolery for several reasons. One, this dumbass is from my hometown (we am I even admitting that?). Two, this shit is the male equivalent of hiding contraband in your titties and gut meat. I had to show that XYs do ridiculous things too.  Three, this is a reason that all parents should check the "NO" box on the questionnaire that the doctor gives you at birth asking if you want you son to walk around with an elephant trunk betwinxt his legs.  Four, this is another sign.  And it's pointing directly to the billboard that says "The End".  I need y'all to recognize.

I'm so outdone by this clowns shenanigans that I don't really have much more to say. *sigh*
_________________________________________________________________

LOUISVILLE, KY. -- A Fairdale man faces charges after Louisville Metro Corrections officers said they discovered suspected crack cocaine in the foreskin of his penis.

According to the arrest report, officers asked Antoine Banks if he had any drugs, weapons or contraband on him as he entered Metro Corrections after his arrest. He told them he didn’t, police said.

During a clothed pat-down, officers said they found a small bag of suspected cocaine tied to the waistband of Banks’ boxers.

After that bag was found, a strip search was ordered, according to the arrest report. During the strip search, another small bag was in the foreskin of his penis, police said.

Police said Banks was originally arrested after a traffic stop led to the discovery of a bag of salvia and liquid codeine. Banks arrested on charges of second-degree possession of a controlled substance first offense and possession of synthetic cannabinoid agonists or piperazines.

Banks is now facing additional charges of trafficking a controlled substance and promoting contraband. (source)

How Much Stuff Can You Stuff In Your Mouth?

Call me shady but I'd be more impressed if this was a girl....

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Here's To Hoping Your Ass Gets Kicked Too

I'm sure you see the title of this post and think "wow, Tee, that's harsh".  Well, it should be.  The other day I was watching the news and saw a story about a 13 year old young man in PA named Nadin Khoury, that was beaten and kicked and tortured for over 30 minutes by a pack of bullies.  I know this kind of thing happens everyday, everywhere, but this particular beatdown was at the hands of a very special breed of idiot: the kind that tapes the dumb shit they do.

Nadin, reported what happened to him. And somehow, someway the fuzz got a hold of the video and proceeded to go to the local high school that they all attended and locked up all those losers! I'm not ashamed to say that I smiled when they showed those jabronis being led out of the school in handcuffs.  Some people say that this is some innocent "boys will be boys" stuff.  That more lives of young, black men will be ruined if they are locked up or punished.  That jail time and the media attention will ruin their chances for higher education or jobs.  I say, tough shit.  The dummies should have thought about their futures when their overgrown man-sized asses were dragging a little boy (who looks like I have 5 inches and 20 lbs on) down the damn street by his legs or hanging him upside down from a fence.

That story has been on my mind all week.  I know what it's like to be bullied (small + quiet = target).  The shit ain't fun and I'm glad that these boys are being punished for what they did.  I was also happy to come across the following clip in my late night insomniac innanets surfing.
Did that make you misty too?  This video reminded me that standing up for yourself (even if it's after the fact) is rewarded in many different ways.  Saying nothing allows the abuser to win over and over again.  Don't ever be afraid to use your voice.

*sidenote* Did you see the size of those dudes with DeSean Jackson? A universal takeover would be a cinch with some goons like that on my team. 

Ripped From The Headlines: Man Porks Pigs Gives 4 Vaginal Infections

This is the type of crap you run across when you can't sleep and you are forced to surf the innanets for entertainment because somebody (*side-eye* to Hubby) refuses to keep their measly eyes open and entertain you. It is the type of shit you should never, ever, EVER see in life.  But here it is. I found it over at Freddy O's place.  By the way, that slight quaking you just felt was not high winds from that storm.  It was you feeling the Good Lord pressing fast forward on His end of days tape....

Authorities said a man who was caught having sex with show hogs will have his case presented to the Leflore County Grand Jury next month. Andrew Lee Nash, 52, was arrested after police set up surveillance cameras in the owner’s stalls near U.S. Highway 82 and the Yazoo River in Mississippi.

Greenwood Police Chief Henry Purnell said the hogs were examined by a local veterinarian, during a routine examination, and the owner was told that four of the hogs had a vaginal infection.
“The owner of the animals knew someone was messing with his animals,” said Chief Investigator Huntley Nevels. “And the veterinarian confirmed the sexual assault. So, the owner contacted police and the officers staked it out and caught him out there.”Nash, who lives in the 700 block of Mississippi Avenue, was arrested at the scene and charged with 12 counts of unnatural intercourse.

Nash’s bond was initially set at $600,000, but later reduced to $60,000. Nash remains in custody at the Leflore County jail. Greenwood authorities said Nash’s case is scheduled to be presented before the Leflore County Grand Jury next month. If Nash is indicted and found guilty, he faces up to 120 years in jail.



My sentiments exactly Wendy.