When The Road To High Self Esteem Hits A Dead End...

I don't know how many times I have to tell you all that I'm not anti-hoe shit.  I embrace hoe shit.  I think participation in some healthy hoe shit can get you far in life.  However, there is a time and a place for these types of activities.  A backseat, your boss' office, under the bleachers at the local high school, in the fitting room at the local Big & Tall, there are plenty of options...but I'm here to tell you honey, unless your name is Ritzy Slickbooty, these innanets is.NOT.it!

I mean, I know you all are trying to blow up like like Kim Kardashian, but...some of you should leave the web cam and dance routines alone.  And by some of you I mean this broad


*Big ass blank stare * *SIGH*

Lawd hammercy!!This shit right here? This right here is unacceptable!!! Where are her parents? Is she wearing Depends? She said she has fans...who are these people? And have they booked their tickets to Hell yet?

Look, I can only take so much of this foolishness.  And if you heffas insist on posting your self-produced advertisments of low self-esteem and cries for help online we are going to have to lay down some damn ground rules. 

1. If you suffer from a severe case of noassatall I'm going to need you to focus your video on your titties or at least do us all a favor and wear some Booty Pop panties and try and fool us with an illusion of some ass.  If those bitches on RuPaul's Drag Race can do it, dammit so can you!

2. If you must project your limited ass towards a camera can we at least put on some decent pannies? I mean I'm not saying go out and spend your whole income tax return on La Perla, but some tangas from Target will get you where you need to be.  

3. Clean the area around you. I'm so damn tired of seeing these pics and videos of hoe shit that look like they were filmed in New Orleans the day after the levees broke.  Like, are you so hell bent on grabbing your ankles for your EasyShare that you forgot to clear last weeks laundry off the bed and pick those dirty towels and shit off the bathroom floor?  If I was a dude I would think that cleanliness is just as sexy as those draws you are trying to get off.

4. Clean yourself.  Look this should really be rule #1.  But if I'm watching you and start to itch because it looks like you have a cloud of funk hanging around you like your damn name is Pig Pen some things in your life have to change. 

5. This is really like a 4b.  Moisturize please.  An ashy ass is not a classy ass.  Although the question of class is really a moot issue if we are discussing posting ho shit online... Anyway, get out that tub of Queen Helene's cocoa butter and shellack your whole damn body.  There is really no reason for it to be 2011 and grown folks are still walking around with skin that is about as supple as the Crypt Keeper's. 

6. Make sure your props can carry your weight. It's one thing to watch you make a complete damn fool of yourself, but I don't want to watch you what could possibly be an episode of "I Should Be Dead". I'm just saying.

7. Practice your choreography.  There's really no reason for you to be on camera counting your steps.  Looking like a moose stuck in headlights is not a good look.  Freestyling ain't for everybody.

That's all I got.  I can't spend my life holding on to your hand and walking you dumbasses through this.  Get your acts together.

Also, I think that you all should know that the video I just posted is like sign #29394930481-30 that the world is coming to an end.

(source)