Love and the White House

I don't know if I've ever said this over here in Tee's World, but I have a little thing for the POTUS.

It's really pathetic actually.  Why? Because I hate politicians as a rule.  They are thieves and liars.  They are narcissistic egomaniacs.  And most of them are pretty dumb.

But the POTUS has stolen my heart.  I'm talking a real live when he smiles I get butterflies and giggles type of crush. I don't know how it happened.  Other than being over 6' tall, he's not even my type.  But, I swear I just know he's gonna be my main squeeze.  Or at least I hope to get a few clandestine squeezes in at some point before I take over the world.  After my takeover I won't have time.  Not even for that smile.....

Anyway, I happen to think the POTUS is one of the coolest men on the planet.  I bet his body temperature never gets above 72 degrees.  

We happen to agree on a lot of things.  He thinks Kanye West is an arrogant asshole.  I do too.  He thinks John Boehner is a crybaby asshole.  I do too.  He thinks Rush Limbaugh is an obese asshole.  Dammit, I do too!!!  

Since we agree on pretty much everything, I'm sure we would never argue.  We would hold hands, look into each others eyes,  and share tips on world takeovers.  That's the kinda shit real relationships are built on.  

And when he does stuff like he did at this years White House Correspondents Dinner?  Man, it just makes me love him more.

(www.worldstarhiphop.com)

He's the bomb.

I'm currently working on my submission package for the White House Intern Program.  Judge if you want.  While you are sitting there surfing the innanets for whatever it is that you look for....

I'll be checking for dust mites under the Resolute desk* and being the change that I believe in. ;-)



*Just jokes people.  I would never do that.  For several reasons: 1.  I've got arthritis.  2. FLOTUS is from Chicago's Southside.  I'm pretty sure she still carries a razor blade under her tongue for kicks. 3.  You've heard of Monica Lewinsky, but have you heard from her lately?  No ma'am, not even Presidential balls will keep me from Operation World Domination.

Random Thoughts: Lazy Day Edition

Before I start today's post, I just want to thank everyone who read and shared my last post.  Apparently, lots of folks thought it was funny and increased traffic around these parts A LOT.  I appreciate you all.  Anything you can do to raise my number of minions...I mean fans, means the world to me. :-)

Okay, on to today's post......

Today is an extra lazy day.  Besides getting up to head to a local diner to stuff my face with fatty and cholesterol laden deliciousness, I've done nothing but read, lay in bed and watch wacktackular movies.  The wacker the better. Movies like Burlesque, Honey, Glitter. I even considered a Tyler Perry church play.  So you KNOW I'm in a damn good mood.

Most people don't understand what I find entertaining about bad movies.  But my mind is kind of fucked.  I'm pretty much into everything that is inappropriate and I tend to laugh at the most unfunny things.  I happen to find humor in the fact that the people acting in these movies are really and truly being serious and giving it all that they have. I'm talking what I'm quite positive that they believe are Oscar worthy performances.  And they still suck. A LOT.  It's truly amazing to me. I can't get enough.  I can't stop watching them.  It's my strange addiction.

Anyway, I've been up since like 3 am.  It's days like these, when there is nothing really going on, and I have plenty of time to myself that I think of the most random things.  I mean, if you've been hanging around in Tee's World long enough you should know that my mind is pretty damn random on most days anyway, but if you give this gray matter time to roam on it's own there's really no telling what you're going to get.

I really didn't have a topic to write on and I promised myself that I would try to write at least once a week.

So here are some of my thoughts for April 28, 2012:

Never not funny. 

<-----This is my favorite shirt.  I should wear it more.  It's a great conversation starter.  Which 1sucks for me because I don't really like having conversations.

I'm 87.65% sure that Mitt Romney is the Manchurian Candidate.

Olivia Pope kinda makes me want to date women.  But not all women.  Just Olivia Pope. We'd share war stories and handbags and shoes.

Spot on casting!!

GCB is funny as all fucks. Those white broads are bat shit crazy. I love it.

Angelina Jolie really does look like Malificent!! OMG

My son will be taller than me soon.

Whatever happened to Tony Terry?  Is he singing "With You"? I wonder how much he charges for appearances? Was he a natural red head?

I should design some t-shirts.

I think I want a food truck. I have no idea what I'd serve.  Maybe ice cream.  But that would make it an ice cream truck...

Some prime rib would be nice.

I miss my Mama.

It really is funny when The Kid falls out of the bed.

Love Jones might be the best black love story ever told.  "I love you. That's urgent like a mothafucka." Smooth game.  Well played Darius Lovehall.  Well fuckin' played.

On second thought, Love & Basketball is the best black love story. Love Jones has the best soundtrack.

I wish I had a queen friend to submit for RuPaul's Drag Race.

Misshapen really is a great word.  I should use it more.

I really regret not going to Vegas with the homies. I can't miss anymore trips.  I just can't.

Well, those are some of the more normal thoughts I've had today.  I'll keep the more radical ones to myself.  I am trying to take over the universe.  I don't want you all thinking I can't rule over ALL because you think I'm crazy as hell.

Everyone Is NOT A Winner

Me and a friend were having a conversation the other day.

This friend was explaining to me how you can no longer cut children from teams or school activities.  Now because my child is younger, I'm not well versed on all the ins and outs of school sports politics.  I only know about shit like wee ball, youth basketball, and kung fu (The Kid is a beast with the left chop-right kick combo y'all).

Anyway, we were talking about how some of these kids that aren't cut suck donkey balls at whatever sport they are playing.  But because of the rule you have to let them play.

In my opinion, and here in Tee's World we know it's the only one that matters, that's WACK!!! If you suck you shouldn't be on the team. Point blank period.  Be a towel boy, go fetch water, shit join the Team Trainer Corps, but get the entire fuck off the field!!!

I hate the idea that all kids get a ribbon.  The fact that there are no losers anymore is what's wrong with the world.

I call it the pussification[1] of our youth.

Pussification is one of the reasons bullying is so rampant these days.  Everybody wants to be nice and there are no consequences for the kids that are wack.  Look, I've been bullied it's not fun.  And I'm not saying that it's not a real problem. What I'm saying is the way that these problems are being addressed are not the correct way.  When I was being bullied I ran home crying.  You want to know what happened? Big Daddy locked me out of the fucking house and told me not to bring my crying ass home until somebodies ass was kicked. I've carried that lesson in my heart and soul since I was 7 years old.  The last person that tried to bully me ended up with an eye patch for the Summer.[2]


And you want to know what else? I've been cut from teams. And I cried about it and I felt bad. But you want to know what happened? Big Mama said, "Girl get it together. So what you ain't make it on THAT team. You're good enough to make another." And I believed her.  I found something that I was good at and I did make another team. And we were ALL-STARS.

But these days, instead of playing outside, working hard at your craft, practicing hand to hand combat, and learning how not to be an all around loser, we've got a generation of vitamin D deficient simps who don't know battle outside of a fucking Worlds of Warcraft level.

Truthfully, it's really not the kids faults.  I blame the parents.  I'm quite sure the reason why everybody gets a ribbon on my sons b-ball team is because little LuQuane's daddy was extra wacktackular with his crossover and got cut from every team in every league in his hometown.  So now we have to suffer through watching LuQuane fumble, fall, and score goals for the other team because his daddy just wasn't good enough.

Fuck that.

I say bring back team cuts.  Bring back the sucky feeling you get when you get 2nd. Bring back the big shiny trophies and medals for first and the bargain bin homemade ribbons for everybody else. Bring back touchdown celebration dances and the art of talking shit to your opponent.  Bring back intimidation and the ability to make your opponent feel like they belong on the bottom of your shoe.

It's what the world needs.

Pussification is the reason why some many of today's youth are making piss poor decisions. No way a kid who knows the feeling of real life consequences would walk out of the house like this:

Seriously ma'am?

Only people who have walked pussified streets would feel safe walking around like this with no fear of retribution.

This ain't right!!

Pussification is the reason why Drake sells out stadiums.

Pussification is the reason why a man wearing skin tight chartreuse skinny jeans is acceptable.

Pussification is the reason why McDonald's started selling microscopic fries with their Happy Meals.

Pussification is the reason why folks like Rush Limbaugh can pop off without feeling the loving force of 5 knuckles to his jaw immediately afterward.

*sigh* Y'all gonna get enough of letting shit like this slide.  I fully expect someone like this to end up being the POTUS and there won't be anything any of us can do about it.  Hopefully, the Good Lord will see fit to press pause on Earth's rotation before then.

---

[1]Pussification: v. the act of turning something into a pussy. Also see bitch made, punk, aintshit.
[2]True story.
.

When All Else Fails...Sell Some Tail

I have a friend named The Good Reverend Doctor, I'll call him TGRD because typing all of that out more than once would be more keystrokes than I care to deal with.  Now, TGRD is an educated young man.  He's got all kinds of degrees and most people would think that he's a fairly intelligent dude.

Well, here's the thing about TGRD.  With all of the theology,  grammar, mathematics, and other stuff that he knows that would make people think that he actually uses the brain in his head, he's got no damn sense at all! Zilch. This guy...this guy is the one who supplies me with most of my foolishness fixes.  Not because he knows that it makes me happy.  He does it because he's one of the only other fools in this universe that get the same kind of pleasure out of pure, unadulterated fuckery that I do.

So with all of that said, I guess I should tell you that today's post is dedicated to TGRD.  But because the conversation that we had led me to look on these innanets for some foolishness to discuss and I came across a story that touched my soul.  It's a real life tale of hunger and the will to survive.  Kind of like The Hunger Games but with prostitutes, undercover fuzz, and drive-thru windows instead of Katniss, Peeta, and 'em.

So, please thank TGRD - missionary, teacher, fuckery fanatic for sending me off into the wild blue yonder to look for this shit.  It's pretty much all his fault.

Take some time out of your glorious day to click the link from The Miami Herald. I'll be waiting to discuss when you get back:

The Skeezburglar

http://www.miamiherald.com/2012/04/03/2728952/woman-offers-sex-for-dollar-menu.html

What the entire fuck is really going on with people these days?

What exactly would you call this kind of crime? Mackin' for McDoubles?  French Fried Flatbackin?

Look, I've felt the horrible twinge of an empty belly a few times in my life.  But never, have I ever thought I'd head over to the local drive-thru to hand out BJs for burgers and fries!!  I think far to highly of mysef.   There's so many things that I could do before I even considered offering up The Precious for bargain bin prices.  I mean, where there no Red Lobsters or Olive Gardens close by? If you are gonna give up some tail at least have the courtesy of covering it with a nice cloth napkin before the deed is done.

Jesus be some table manners.

It takes some real, live balls to stand in front of a statue of the great Ronald McDonald and offer up nook for $2.75! I mean, ma'am is your vajayjay not even worth the high ticket items like McRib or Big Mac? Not even one of those sweet and refreshing strawberry and banana smoothies or a hot beverage from the McCafe?

What would Grimace do?

I'm so outdone by this foolishness.

Just in case you were wondering, that cool breeze you just felt was our time on Earth speeding right past us.  This is reason #43459445632358.187 that the world is coming to an end.  The Good Lord didn't jack Adam's rib for us to be making these kinds of piss poor decisions ladies. Damn.

You Only Live Once...

Greetings!!!

I know it's been a month of Sunday's since I've been around these parts.  I apologize.  I've had a very mean case of writer's block.  Seems like I've been getting it a lot these days.  I mean it's not like there wasn't anything for me to write about.

Rick Santorum called the POTUS a n-word...almost.

Luigi opened his big mouth and said that Trayvon Martin was murdered because of his hoodie...and then gave the worst apology ever.

Two old dudes got it poppin' in a dialysis clinic over a basketball game.

All of that going on and I couldn't put the keystrokes together to write about.  But, you wanna know what did bring my thoughts and opinions out of hibernation?

YOLO. For you geezers and uninformed, that means "You Only Live Once". Now, I'm sure you all have heard this phrase over your lifetime. You probably even used it yourself.  As in, "I really don't want to go out on a date with this guy, but you only live once! Something good might come out of it. *smile*" It's even possible that you said, "I really don't want to go to school across the country.  I don't know anybody out there.  But you only live once! This is a great opportunity! *smile*" Or maybe you said, "I'm scared shitless of heights, but dammit I'm gonna skydive today. You only live once! *smile*" Or maybe you even said, "I'm going to get this tattoo of Rick Flair on my ass. He's the GREATEST! You only live once! *smile*

Most people would say that YOLO is something that you attach to positive things....mostly. It's a decision you make that you wouldn't normally make because you are a safe and cautious law-abiding citizen of this universe.

YOLO is stepping outside of your comfort zone to make some shit happen...mostly.

But this notion has been bastardized. In fact, whatever you once thought that it meant is pretty much in fuckin shambles.

I would like to blame it on Weezy and Drake's frilly asses. I mean, they did write a song that has Generation Z acting a complete damn fool. But I can't.  It's not a bad song.  In fact, I like it.  Drake and Weezy didn't say anything about making an ass of yourself anywhere in that little ditty.  I'm almost positive they didn't want their shit to be the theme song for piss poor decision making.

At this point I usually post pics of the dumb shit. But I don't want this blog here to catch scabies or any other communicable disease from them.  So just Google "YOLO" and hit images and see what you come up with.

On my search I found:

• A young lady engaged in sexual intercourse while eating what appeared to be a plate of hash.
• A creep walking through a crowded club with his peen on display.
• A really skinny dude doing his business on top of what appeared to be the 600 lb. virgin on a public restroom floor.

*Please excuse me while I go fumigate my laptop and take a decontamination shower*

Anyway, I'm not sure how people can take a positive idea like this and just shit all over it in the name of making an excuse for them to be aintshit in public.

It's beyond ridiculous.  

If I know you, PLEASE don't send me anything with the subject line: YOLO if you have anything to do with it.  I'm telling you now, I will judge you.  And then I will talk about you worse than the Mother Board talks about hoes who come to church on Easter wearing short skirts and red lipstick. 

Try me if you want to. 

Also, I've decided to blame this shit on Oprah.  If her ass didn't want to make the world so sunshiney and full of rainbows, we wouldn't have the masses rebelling against it and ending face down ass up on your FB timeline. 

YOLO is sign #456938040682-15c that the world is ending.  No way Baby Jesus is gonna let us keep breathing his sweet air if you all keep this shit up.