Things I See on Facebook: Baby Carter Edition

So apparently Beyonce' and Jay-Z welcomed a daughter into this cold, cold world yesterday.

For many months people have speculated whether or not the pregnancy was really real. There were rumors of fake tummies, surrogates, people buying babies, and lots of other foolishness.

Nobody has time for that kind of ridiculousness. Also, there are some things about pregnancy that you just can pretend.  Hot flashes, sweats, nausea, reacting to alien kicks from within your belly, leaky boobs, bell pepper noses, swollen lips, pie faces,  cankles, flat feet, stretch marks.  Nah, nobody can fake those.  And from what I saw in pictures, Beyonce' had quite a few unfakeables checked off her list.  

If you are foolish enough to think that a broad would walk around for the better part of 6 months with a prosthetically enhanced uterus you watch way too much damn One Life to Live and you need to have a seat.

Apparently some folks are pissed that the Carters named their bundle of joy Blue Ivy.

On Facebook I saw someone take the first letters of the name and turn it into some hidden message from the Illumanti.  Like somebody seriously released the following words for public consumption:
 “Ivy= Illuminati's Very Youngest. Blue= Born Living Under Evil. Spelt Backwards (Eulb Yvi) = Latin for "Lucifers Daughter"

Blankest. Stare. Ever. 

That's EXACTLY what I looked like when I read that shit.

Like really? The baby is less than 24 hours old and we are calling her the seed of Satan?  The one who will end the world as we know it?  Shenanigans.

I refrained from responding to that loon because I'm sure it would have gotten ugly.  

You dummies need to get your life  and have several damn seats! *Tamar Braxton voice*

There are children walking these streets on a daily basis with names like Moscato and Hennesyncoke and y'all mad at them for naming their baby after a 1-800-Flowers arrangement? 

Nobody gets up in arms when somebody names their child La-a (La Dash Uh) or Lemonjello, but give your kid the name of some foilage and a primary color and you're vilified? 

String together all the vowels, apostrophe's, and silent letters you can muster and all is well.  But give a child a name they can spell and others can pronounce and it's a problem?

Oh. OK.

I'm sick of all of you and I'm not even a big Beyonce' fan.  I'm sure she's somewhere right now conjuring up a nice, strong Creole root for all of you.  And I can't say that I blame her.  So when all your teeth and hair start mysteriously taking leaves of absence from your person, don't say I didn't warn you.