You want fries with that?

'Poop Burger:' Get It While It's Hot

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Story posted 2011.06.20 at 09:00 AM EDT

Just in time for summer grilling: Japanese scientists say they have created synthetic meat derived from human excrement.

The news that Mitsuyuki Ikeda, of Okayama Laboratory, perfected the meat streaked across the Internet. Whether or not the whole breakthrough is a crafty online hoax remains to be seen. But if it's true, the finding -- albeit disgusting -- could have some big implications on food of the future.

A now-viral video examining the purported breakthrough -- dubbed "poop burger" -- said the synthetic meat could be an answer to the high cost and environmental damage of industrial meat production.

Ikeda and fellow researchers claim to have extracted protein from raw sewage to create the meat and added food coloring to make it appear red.

Early taste tests say the meat tastes like beef. _________________________________________________________________________

A shit burger? Oh ok.

Like for real, who the hell sits around and comes up with this foolishness? Who sits at their desk and thinks the thought "You know what would be magically delicious? Some shit.  But not just regular shit. Shit that's shaped like a burger."

And where do they find the individuals to taste test this shit?  What exactly is the selling point?  How do you get someone to come into the office KNOWING they are going to ingest today what somebody's dinner from the night before.

I'm going to tell you right now.  There's not enough monetary compensation in this universe for me to allow you to look me in my eyes and say the words "Eat this shit" and my response be "OK".  No ma'am.  I'm not built to handle that level of disrespect.  I'm going to treat you like you've threatened my life.  And you know what that means don't you?  Suplexes, body blows, and throat chops son.  The situation would NOT end well.

Nah.  There's nothing in this world that you can promise me to make me sacrifice my taste buds, dignity, and self respect for a patty made from shit.  Ya'll can play those kinds of games if you want.  I'll stick to lavishing my belly with the flesh of bovine and domesticated fowl.

[Tee's Note] This whole shit burger story is a hoax.  But I wanted to write about it because the whole idea of it just made me cringe.  I mean really? Who the hell thinks this kind of stuff is funny?  For 15 whole seconds I was questioning my status as a carnivore and joining PETA.  How dreadful.

YouTube Shenanigans: Father's Day PSA

Today is Father's Day.

All around the country people will be honoring their fathers with greeting cards, cookouts, neck ties, and 3 packs of underwear. They'll be thanking fathers for teaching us life lessons that prevent people from maiming, mauling, and devouring us like they do the weakest of the herd. Showing our appreciation for instilling in us how to use our God given common sense.

My father taught me and my siblings all kinds of stuff. Because of my father I know how to landscape a lawn, tie a sailor's knot, make a 4 course meal for 6 on a $25 budget, and take a person who is 3 times bigger than me down with 3 well placed punches.

One of the most important lessons that we ever learned was "Don't make me look like a damn fool out in public".  For most of you that may be pretty straight forward and simple and for that trip, however long it was, you were on your best behavior.  But for Daddy, in addition to that it also meant: "Don't embarrass me and your mother by getting caught out there doing dumb shit".

Every time I power up my Dell, I am reminded that all children are not taught this lesson.

For example:



Oh. OK.
So, just so we are clear. Homegirls vagina ain't handicap. I'm glad she let us know. Because whenever I see folks riding big on their Hoveround's and shit that's the FIRST thing I think is "I wonder what that vagina do?" Ain't nothing like a little paraplegia to get those juices flowing. Nah mean?

Did she really say she got the coldest coochie AND the hottest parking spots though? And what about "like my momma said eat your vegetables"?

I can't. I just fucking can't. I don't give a shit if she's in a wheelchair, walking on stilts, or literally has two damn left feet and has to walk around on her elbows. Nothing about this is acceptable.  Like do you know how bad life would be for me if I made a video talking about I can't move my knees but I can take it all day?

Nah, my father taught me well. I don't get caught on tape doing shit that will make him want to 1-2 step on my dome. No thanks.

You guys out there have to father your children.  You have to teach them how to move out here in these streets.  You have to show your daughters that ridiculous acts of thirst and desperation are not the way to go.   Tell your sons that tatting a warlock on his face is not the best way to get attention.

I'd like to take this opportunity to thank all of the fathers that care about the way that the world sees you.  The one's who spend quality time with their kids and make sure that they aren't posting shit on these innanets that make people think that YOU are crazy for raising such a mucked up kid. 

Thank you for being a life-sized delete button on some of these piss poor ideas your kids saw fit to try and share with the world.  I appreciate you.

Eyes Wide Shut

Today we are going to talk about racism.  And not just your average, everday, run of the mill Tea Party type of racism.  We are going to talk about subtle racism.  This shit that you see everyday that makes you go "....that ain't quite right". 

It's not always obvious.  But it's always racist. 

That said, I think I should take this time to tell you that it's impossible for Tee to be a racist.  And no, I'm not gonna say it's impossible for me to be racist because I'm black.  That's just dumb.  I can't be a racist because I don't like anybody.  That makes me a generalist.

However, I will say that because of my favorite brand of joke to tell, some people may tell you that I have problems with one particular ethnic group.  Such is not the case.  I have 3 white friends.

Am I inappropriate at times? Absolutely.  Do I say shit most people probably wouldn't say in mixed company? Yep.  But that's just Tee.  I see things and I point them out.  The good, the bad, and especially the ugly.  I don't mean to hurt feelings....but I don't mind. 

My disdain for most of you has nothing to do with your paint jobs.  In no way do I ever say things to make myself look superior to any one group of people, I don't want to be better than anyone. 

What I say is always the truth (as I see it).  No stereoptypes or racial propaganda.  I do what I do to make people think.  I hold a mirror up to dumbassness (and we all know that a dumbass can come in any color) and hope that changes are made after the dumbass sees his/her reflection.

But some people aren't as direct as me.  They are way more passive with their hatred.  Some people would say that I'm too sensitive to that kind of thing, that I worry about things that really don't matter in this day and age.  They say I look for racism in everything.  Truth is I really don't.  I just see it.  And when I see it, I point it out.  Just like I point out all the other dumb shit I see that I see during my day. 

For instance, the other day I decided to send hand-written notes out to friends.  I was looking through some note cards and came across a set that portrayed vintage Kellogg's cereal boxes.  I initially thought that the idea was cute and was excited to share the cuteness with friends.  At least that's how I felt until I saw a Cocoa Crispies on with a monkey tipping his straw hat. 


Seriously? This shit ain't appetizing.

This mess ain't cute.  Not at all.  At least it's not to me.

When you look at that you might see a delightful little chimp loving the hell outta some chocolatey deliciousness.

When I look at it, I see a lot more than that.

I see: cocoa (brown) + crispie (black) + monkey (commonly used as derogatory for blacks). Compund that with the fact that the monkey is wide-eyed, grinning, and tipping his hat like a Sambo and....well...you got a pissed off Tee.

If that wasn't bad enough, one of my friends posted a pic on FB that made me wanna toss eggs at Robert E. Lee's childhood home.

Some people like to rock the Confederate flag.  They say it's because they are proud of their Southern roots.  I'm sure that's acceptable for most.  I mean, I don't necessarily know what people are thinking when they rock a flag that most people view as a pro-slavery advertisement.  But I don't knock them, because nobody says anything to me when I rock my dashiki, black fist afro pick, and Malcolm X lavalier.  But still, I steer clear of folks rocking that flag, just like most people steer clear of me.

Oh? OK.



Truth be told, I'd rather hang with those folks.  Because, I have some sort of idea where their head is at.  They are pretty blatant with their shit.  Way more than the guy that came up with this "Coon Hunter" shirt.  If you didn't know any better, you would think that this guys shirt is promoting the hunting of furry little woodland creatures.  If you see what I see, you know that this right here is bull-fuckin-shit. 

But freedom of speech keeps me from really being able to do anything about it.  That's cool though.  When y'all see me with my new t-shirt with a little black girl harming a bowl full Zesta's and the tagline "I Crush Crackers", don't say a word.

I'm not going to point out all the subtle racism that I see everyday.  I just hope that those of you who can't/don't/won't see it open your eyes. 

And when you see it do like I do and point that shit out.  Shine a light on it.  Open up your mouth and say:

I do this at least once a day.

Apocalypse Now

So by now you know a running theme around these parts is that the end of the world is near.  Well, I'm not the only person who thinks this way.  In fact, I have this melanin deficient friend, we'll call him Stinkmeiner, that pretty much feels the same way as me.  And yes I realize that's an old black man from The Boondocks, but trust me, the attitude is the same.  This is why we get along.

Anyways, I asked him how he felt about the whole Harold Camping End of Days debacle. The following are his thoughts on the apocalypse.
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I was going to come up with some sort of fancy explanation/introduction for who I am and why Tee would request that I write a guest blog entry (specifically about the non-apocalypse), but then I figured you're already going to have to read and/or tolerate and/or be enraged or amused by what I write, so why not spare you the extra pain and let Tee do that instead.  I'm assuming she has and that you have already read it.  Thus, without further ado:

Countdown to Apocalypse!

Buckle up, kids!  The end is Nigh!  In 3... 2... 1...

Well...shit.  Looks like we should have saved for your college education after all! 

For those of you who have been living under a rock, some jackass predicted on his homebrew radio show that the world would end May 21st.  Somehow, he convinced a bunch of other jackasses that this was true, and they made a bunch of noise about it and have now slunk away to lick their wounds. 

So, in the wake of the recent end of the world shenanigans, we are left to wonder: Now what do we do?  The Bronx Zoo Cobra has returned to his home, the world didn't end, and for some reason people continue to watch Dancing with the Stars... (who won?  I didn't see it.  Oooh, I hope it was Chelsea!). [Tee's Note: I didn't watch it either, but Hines Ward won.  Dude, I told you to always bet on black...]

I suppose the easiest thing to do would be to continue to point and laugh, to watch the sad parade of the faithful as they slink back to their homes and their jobs (assuming they still have them).  But then, really, where is the fun in that?  And, truth be told, they weren't wrong.  The world is ending.  We just haven't noticed yet.  For that matter, it's probably already over with and we couldn't be bothered to look up from our mass-media trough of shit to see it.

You want real signs of the apocalypse?  They're everywhere.  At this point, you should be expecting a rant about reality TV, fast food, Lady Gaga, Nicki Minaj, Justin Bieber, that stupid girl who made that "It's Friday" song or whatever the hell it is, and every other dumbass thing that young people do and/or like.  And you would be right to expect it, all those things are fair game. 

But let's look at the bigger picture. 

Randy "Macho Man" Savage is dead.  Explain to me how that tireless purveyor of the Slim Jim, who should have been so loaded with preservatives, so as to effectively be immortal, has a heart attack and dies while the entire cast of Jersey Shore continues to live? 

Or, why we keep churning out Resident Evil movies, and Wesley Snipes thinks it's not fair that he has to pay taxes (and I agree, he should be paying me back for that last Blade movie), and oh my God they're really making a Transformers 3 (who watches these things? [Tee's Note: I do. Hater.]) and, oh yeah, Netflix is proud to announce that White Chicks is now available for instant streaming!  (To be fair, so is the Jim Carrey version of A Christmas Carol, for which I am still waiting for a personal apology). 

I guess what I am saying to you people is, please for the love of God find something better to do!  We're lucky that Old Testament God™ promised not to wipe us off the planet again, because man, if I were He (or She--who's to say, really?), I sure would do it!  [Tee's Note: Me too.  Except, I wouldn't take folks out in one fell swoop.  I'd drop folks sniper style.  With hopes that people would get a clue before everyone is gone.]

So here's what I want you to do.  If you have kids, like, little kids, I mean, ask them what they would like to do this weekend.  And, assuming it's possible, do it!  Go outside, go to the park, go to Kroger.  Whatever they want to do, find a reason and a way to say yes to it, and just go do something meaningful.  If you have adult children, call them, and tell them that you are proud of them.  Tell them that they have done a good job with their lives, and that you love them.  And then...here's the big part...withhold any criticism that you may have.  Just keep your mouth shut and enjoy the moment.  If you don't have little kids, or adult children, call your brothers or sisters, or even friends.  Just make sure that you spend some meaningful time with an actual person that does not involve television, iPad, smartphone, bluetooth, PC, or Mac.  That said, for those of you who have teenagers... well, piss on them.  They won't appreciate any of it anyway. ;)

So there you go.  Paris Hilton is getting another show.  There are now 5 different shows where people don't do anything except make cakes.  Criss Angel doesn't wash his hair but still hooks up with a Playmate...

You think the world is ending?  It's over, baby!  Put up a billboard about that!
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Many thanks to Stinkmeaner for his contribution.  I'm pretty much with him. 
Now, remember Tee has been telling you that the end is near for quite some time now, but it seems I don't have Yahweh on speed dial telling me all his bizness like Mr. Camping does, so I can't say for sure when it will be.

Anyway, since I don't have Jehovah in my BBM contacts, I figured he sent us a clue when I came across this:


(Source)

I've always said that walking into Walmart was like entering the gates of Hell. If People of Walmart isn't enough to convince you, this damn sure should be.

Seriously though? P-poppin in a grocery cart? Bussin' it wide open in the pannie aisle? Random dump truck built chicks giving it all they got in the parking lot? I can't.

I would ask who gave these clowns clearance for these shenanigans but...it's Walmart.  Nobody there gives a shit about life.

I could go on for days about this one, but I don't have time.  I got end of days fuckery to get into (just in case).

And if this don't happen and you see me on the news tomorrow, forward all bail donations to my PayPal.