So this morning, The Kid has really been getting on my nerves. He keeps coming in here asking if he can use my laptop to play games on Disney XD. I told him he could, but apparently I'm not moving my shit fast enough because every 5 minutes he's in here looking at me and then his watch like "Heffa, I was just in here 5 minutes ago".
Who the hell does he think he is? This is my shit! I paid for this. Who the hell does he think he is to be coming at me with these impatient type shenanigans? The last person that came at me like this got a earful of choice words and a file folder tossed at his dome. Well, not really, but I sure wanted to do that.
This little dude can get it though. So I'm not sure why he's coming at me like he don't know me.
I guess my frustration was showing on my face because we just had the following conversation:
Him:Mama are you mad?
Me:Yea. I don't like it when you don't listen. I don't like to be rushed.
Him: Oh, I'm sorry Mama. I just really, really, really wanna play Disney XD.
Me: I know. But you'll get to play, when I say you can play. All this extra stuff you're doing is working my nerves.
Him: Don't be mad Mama.
Me: I'm trying not too. But you're making it hard for me.
Him: Aww, Mama. Don't be mad. I think you're beautiful. More beautiful than anything. But I can't describe it cuz that's like comparing a sunset to a rainbow.*smile*
Me:*totally forgot what I was mad about* Shit. . I'll bring the laptop in a minute baby.
What the hell just happened here? A few sugary sweet words and a smile and he had me doing whatever he wanted. I knew what was happening, but I had no way to fight it. But how did he know to use these types of war tactics on me? I mean, I recognized the game. His father hit me with some stuff like that way back in the summer of 1994 (or was it 1995?) and you see where that got me!
Ugh! This shit is not cool. I've got some survival skills to hone up on. I'm too easy. I gotta start treating him like I treat people in the streets.
Hide your daughters people! He's perfecting his game at 7 yo. Don't ever say I didn't warn you. SMH
Saturday, May 14, 2011
And One Shall Lead Them All...
I was talking to Hubby last night about some randomness. Our conversation turned to some foolishness that this clown name Rand Paul (R-KY) said about equating universal healthcare to slavery....or something like that.
This dude is a clown. Seriously. How does one even fix their mouth to spout some bullshit like that? Even his homegirl in back was like "Nah son!"
Anyway, I don't want to spend all my time talking about this loon representing the good people of the Commonwealth of Kentucky. While hanging my head in shame at the representation of my home state, I was inspired to write.
People voted for that fool Rand Paul. They actually pushed a button that said they wanted him to be the voice of the people of KY. This got me to thinking. What would the world be like if black people (and I only say black people because I happen to be black and I don't know what you white folks reading want out of life) actually picked a someone to represent them. To speak for them on a national level so that all of our thoughts and opinions and concerns are known by all.
Could you imagine what would happen if black people got together to fight for something that we truly believe in like the Tea Party did? How awesome would that be? I'm not sure what we would call it, The Hot Cocoa Party? The Black Coffee Caucus? The Hot Water Cornbread Coalition? I'll have to think further on this...
*pause* I think I should take some time to let the good white folks (and others) reading this to know that I'm not planning some sort of negroid uprising behind your backs. Don't call Faux News and em on me. *play*
What would happen if we all went to the polls and elected a spokesperson for all things black? I'm not saying that we need an exact clone of Malcolm and Martin. Although, that would be nice. I'm thinking that a leader these days has to be a little bit different than those guys.
Look, don't think that I'm dissing these dudes. That's not what I'm doing at all. Malcolm X happens to be one of the people alive or dead that I would invite to Sunday dinner. I would invite Adolf Hitler too. How crazy would that meal be? I've actually imagined how it would go in my head, but that's a story for another time.
Anyway, I appreciate everything that past leaders and activists have done for the black community. Without their sacrifices of time and sometimes their life, I would not be able to do many of the things that I do today. Like ride in the front of the bus, vote, or spew bullshit via this blog on these innanets.
But like I said before, shit is different these days. I don't want to say that it's because the social climate in the world is different and that these types of leaders not needed. Anybody who believes that is sadly mistaken. The issues that these leaders from the past that I speak of are still a problem today. Hell, some of it is worse. Because of this that I feel like there needs to be someone that we can look to to represent our community on the world stage. Someone who can take our issues to "The Man" (whoever that is) and be a voice for us. Someone who can lead us in protests, sit-in, telethons, YouTube video competitions, revivals, and what not.
But we don't have anyone these days who is capable of doing this. In fact, I'll go out on a limb and say that the people who currently consider themselves the leaders in the black community are truly incapable of leading anything. Well, that's not true. Some of them can lead a whole group of folks into all sorts of foolishness. Eddie Long got a bunch of you thinking that having barely legal boys as travel companions is perfectly fine behavior and Creflo Dollar (and his bottom bitch Taffi) got y'all planting seed offerings at the altar for Lear jets and Maybachs...that you'll only see in Polaroids passed during Wednesday Bible study.
Now I know a couple of y'all pressed pause on that one. Nobody wants anybody to talk about the folks that are supposed to be helping our people reached the proverbial Promised Land. Can't be calling folks pimps and pedophiles all willy nilly.
Welp. I didn't get that memo. Or maybe I ignored it. Tomaytoe, tomahtoe.
It is my opinion that today's black leaders are so full of selfishness and aintshitness that they are incapable of doing anything more that provide a few soundbites and fodder for blogs and local news.
Back in the day a person would start a movement from their front porch, out of church basements and what not. Any injustice qualified as a reason to stand up and say something. These days, if it doesn't get you an interview with Sean Hannity or a guest spot next to Barbara Walters on The View our "leaders" don't want anything to do with it.
Honestly, I don't think black folks could get a grass roots movement for change started if our lives depended on it. Hold up, I take that back. Let somebody ban the use of synthetic yaki or grown men with cornrows and some of you fools will be picketing and singing "We Shall Overcome" like it's 1952. You know who you are.
I know some of you are disagreeing right now. You are probably yelling out a list of folks that have appointed themselves leaders for all those black, brown, yella, and downtrodden.
Well, stop it. Stop it right now. The people you just called out ain't worth a damn.
Let us discuss some of those options please. The way I see it, black people usually pull our pool of candidates for leadership from 3 distinct groups: preachers, intellectuals, and athletes. When you read my list you'll pretty much be able to figure out where everybody goes. Some can fit into more than on category. Some are shaky on fitting into one. And most of them are going to be preachers because that's who we as a people usually look to for guidance and leadership.
So anyway, I present to you:
This dude is a clown. Seriously. How does one even fix their mouth to spout some bullshit like that? Even his homegirl in back was like "Nah son!"
Anyway, I don't want to spend all my time talking about this loon representing the good people of the Commonwealth of Kentucky. While hanging my head in shame at the representation of my home state, I was inspired to write.
People voted for that fool Rand Paul. They actually pushed a button that said they wanted him to be the voice of the people of KY. This got me to thinking. What would the world be like if black people (and I only say black people because I happen to be black and I don't know what you white folks reading want out of life) actually picked a someone to represent them. To speak for them on a national level so that all of our thoughts and opinions and concerns are known by all.
Could you imagine what would happen if black people got together to fight for something that we truly believe in like the Tea Party did? How awesome would that be? I'm not sure what we would call it, The Hot Cocoa Party? The Black Coffee Caucus? The Hot Water Cornbread Coalition? I'll have to think further on this...
*pause* I think I should take some time to let the good white folks (and others) reading this to know that I'm not planning some sort of negroid uprising behind your backs. Don't call Faux News and em on me. *play*
What would happen if we all went to the polls and elected a spokesperson for all things black? I'm not saying that we need an exact clone of Malcolm and Martin. Although, that would be nice. I'm thinking that a leader these days has to be a little bit different than those guys.
Look, don't think that I'm dissing these dudes. That's not what I'm doing at all. Malcolm X happens to be one of the people alive or dead that I would invite to Sunday dinner. I would invite Adolf Hitler too. How crazy would that meal be? I've actually imagined how it would go in my head, but that's a story for another time.
Anyway, I appreciate everything that past leaders and activists have done for the black community. Without their sacrifices of time and sometimes their life, I would not be able to do many of the things that I do today. Like ride in the front of the bus, vote, or spew bullshit via this blog on these innanets.
But like I said before, shit is different these days. I don't want to say that it's because the social climate in the world is different and that these types of leaders not needed. Anybody who believes that is sadly mistaken. The issues that these leaders from the past that I speak of are still a problem today. Hell, some of it is worse. Because of this that I feel like there needs to be someone that we can look to to represent our community on the world stage. Someone who can take our issues to "The Man" (whoever that is) and be a voice for us. Someone who can lead us in protests, sit-in, telethons, YouTube video competitions, revivals, and what not.
But we don't have anyone these days who is capable of doing this. In fact, I'll go out on a limb and say that the people who currently consider themselves the leaders in the black community are truly incapable of leading anything. Well, that's not true. Some of them can lead a whole group of folks into all sorts of foolishness. Eddie Long got a bunch of you thinking that having barely legal boys as travel companions is perfectly fine behavior and Creflo Dollar (and his bottom bitch Taffi) got y'all planting seed offerings at the altar for Lear jets and Maybachs...that you'll only see in Polaroids passed during Wednesday Bible study.
Now I know a couple of y'all pressed pause on that one. Nobody wants anybody to talk about the folks that are supposed to be helping our people reached the proverbial Promised Land. Can't be calling folks pimps and pedophiles all willy nilly.
Welp. I didn't get that memo. Or maybe I ignored it. Tomaytoe, tomahtoe.
It is my opinion that today's black leaders are so full of selfishness and aintshitness that they are incapable of doing anything more that provide a few soundbites and fodder for blogs and local news.
Back in the day a person would start a movement from their front porch, out of church basements and what not. Any injustice qualified as a reason to stand up and say something. These days, if it doesn't get you an interview with Sean Hannity or a guest spot next to Barbara Walters on The View our "leaders" don't want anything to do with it.
Honestly, I don't think black folks could get a grass roots movement for change started if our lives depended on it. Hold up, I take that back. Let somebody ban the use of synthetic yaki or grown men with cornrows and some of you fools will be picketing and singing "We Shall Overcome" like it's 1952. You know who you are.
I know some of you are disagreeing right now. You are probably yelling out a list of folks that have appointed themselves leaders for all those black, brown, yella, and downtrodden.
Well, stop it. Stop it right now. The people you just called out ain't worth a damn.
Let us discuss some of those options please. The way I see it, black people usually pull our pool of candidates for leadership from 3 distinct groups: preachers, intellectuals, and athletes. When you read my list you'll pretty much be able to figure out where everybody goes. Some can fit into more than on category. Some are shaky on fitting into one. And most of them are going to be preachers because that's who we as a people usually look to for guidance and leadership.
So anyway, I present to you:
Your Options
1. President Barack Obama. Well, this one was pretty obvious, wasn't it? n Why wouldn't he be a candidate? He's the leader of the damn free world! Can't get much more leaderish than that. The dude has swagger on a thousand billion trillion! He has an awesome voice. It's like a super, smooth Quiet Storm D.J. When he talks, people listen. Even if they don't want to hear what he has to say. That voice... Okay, enough of that. I'm not trying to have Chelly O going Southside on my ass and pulling out her razor on me.
What were we talking about? Oh yeah, anyway, another thing we have to think about is that just because he's black doesn't mean that all decisions he makes will be for the betterment of black people only. He's the PRESIDENT. He has more constituents to worry about than just those with high levels of melanin. As a side note while we are talking about the President I just thought I'd get out something I've been holding on to for a minute. It seems like some of you folks are confusing this guy with this guy I know named Jesus. You act like this man can wave his hand and the oceans will be stilled. That he's so light on his feet that he won't sink when he steps out on some water. You think that just because he's a brother that shit will automatically be better and different for you. This needs to stop. He's just a man. A man, who happens to be black, who's 9-5 happens to be the POTUS. He doesn't have time for the woes of all black people. Stop acting like he's going to change the world for you personally because of his paint job. So...while POTUS gets my vote for being leader of the free world, it's a nay for him being leader of black folks.
2. Rev. Jesse Jackson. One good thing about this dude is that he can go to foreign countries and get hostages freed. I think he's done it like twice already. I believe this is because he has no real command of the English language and those who speak English as a second language can relate. I only understand every 3rd word that comes out of his mouth. Now I don't discriminate against our brethren who are not fluent in the English, but I won't be voting for their worldwide representation either.
3. Louis Farrkhan. He's nothing like the good Rev. Jackson. He speaks so well! I mean, when the dude talks you gotta listen. He's the best kind of orator because he mingles truth with subtle (and sometimes not so subtle) put downs. He makes you really think about things that are going on in the world. Also, he's pretty easy on the eyes. At least compared to the other guys. I mean if you like that yellow bone, mean side part, $1000 pinstriped suit wearing geriatric deliciousness, I won't judge. Well, I will, but not a lot. Thing is, this man is batshit crazy. He can drop all kinds of well informed jewels, but he'll follow up with some "I've been yanked up by aliens" or "Me and E.T. had brunch at the Four Seasons last week" or "I spent the weekend with my alien concubine and she dropped me off on the White House lawn" type shit and negate all of the positive messages that he put down. I find it truly frustrating. Because sometimes I really want to agree with the dude. But he gets a no from me too.
4. Rev. Al Sharpton, this dude is fearless. I'll give him that. But he has to be. Any grown ass man that will get on a television show that is viewed throughout the whole damn world rocking a hard press and curl has got to have balls the size of the Rock of Gibraltar. No man should ever have hair that looks like it belongs on your MeMaw's wig stand. Do you really want a dude that looks like this representing our people to the world? I sure don't. Also, I fear that if chosen there would be a whole regions of people who would mistake him for Big Worm and then who would take him seriously?
5. Tyler Perry. I picked this guy as an example, because some of you act like his movies and plays are some serious life changing shit. Y'all are really believing that this dude represents the black community through an old broad wearing a bad wig and packing a .45. Y'all can go on somewhere with that. Always saying that there's somebody in your family that "acts just like that". Ummmmm.....no. Plus, nothing good can come from having a leader whose initials are TP. Folks wipe their asses with that. Some people (I see you Spike Lee) want to do that with his DVDs. But that can't be a healthy or safe habit to have. So let's keep our citizens asses chafe free...and keep him over --------->>> there.
6. Oprah Winfrey. Look, if this broad ain't playing Miss Sophia, then I don't want nothing to do with her. She's at the top of my aintshit list. I blame Oprah for everything that's wrong with the world. I blame her for Tyler Perry. I blame her for global warming. I blame her for Myspace. I blame her for Lil Boosie. I blame her for bad lace-front wigs. I think she invented jeggings. Oprah is the root of all evil. But most of you can't see it. You think that she's something special because she's got billions and billions of dollars. *Dr. Evil voice* She's got you fooled. Building schools in Africa and giving away cars with her right hand and doing all kinds of unknown evil shit with her left. I don't know what that evil is. I just know she's doing it. Look at each and every cover of her magazine (because nobody else is worthy of the cover), you can see it in her eyes. Something in the milk ain't clean with this broad. Nah, Oprah gets no vote from me. She ain't right.
7. Kobe Bryant. I almost picked Albert Haynesworth...but...well I won't touch that dude. Not that he would touch me back anyway. I pick Kobe because he has legions of black men hanging from his testicular region right now anyway. He may as well segue all this power into making a difference for all black people. Imagine how proud some of you would be to be able to say Kobe was your representative. I'm sure Vanessa wouldn't let him stay out once the street lights come on, but imagine the shit he could do while the sun is still high in the sky? I heard he's going to have some free time so y'all may wanna put in some calls and get him to figure out what his platform is. But whatever it is he gets a no from me.
Well, that's my list so far. I was going to add Steve Harvey, but I got pissed off at myself for even thinking it.
Anyway, what do you think of my list? I think it pretty much backs up the notion that we're coming up with a big ole 0 when it comes to leaders. But then again it's probably just me being picky. I tend to do that.
And before you ask, no I won't be nominating myself. I'm trying to be ruler of the universe. I don't have time to be dealing with the likes of you.
4. Rev. Al Sharpton, this dude is fearless. I'll give him that. But he has to be. Any grown ass man that will get on a television show that is viewed throughout the whole damn world rocking a hard press and curl has got to have balls the size of the Rock of Gibraltar. No man should ever have hair that looks like it belongs on your MeMaw's wig stand. Do you really want a dude that looks like this representing our people to the world? I sure don't. Also, I fear that if chosen there would be a whole regions of people who would mistake him for Big Worm and then who would take him seriously?
5. Tyler Perry. I picked this guy as an example, because some of you act like his movies and plays are some serious life changing shit. Y'all are really believing that this dude represents the black community through an old broad wearing a bad wig and packing a .45. Y'all can go on somewhere with that. Always saying that there's somebody in your family that "acts just like that". Ummmmm.....no. Plus, nothing good can come from having a leader whose initials are TP. Folks wipe their asses with that. Some people (I see you Spike Lee) want to do that with his DVDs. But that can't be a healthy or safe habit to have. So let's keep our citizens asses chafe free...and keep him over --------->>> there.
6. Oprah Winfrey. Look, if this broad ain't playing Miss Sophia, then I don't want nothing to do with her. She's at the top of my aintshit list. I blame Oprah for everything that's wrong with the world. I blame her for Tyler Perry. I blame her for global warming. I blame her for Myspace. I blame her for Lil Boosie. I blame her for bad lace-front wigs. I think she invented jeggings. Oprah is the root of all evil. But most of you can't see it. You think that she's something special because she's got billions and billions of dollars. *Dr. Evil voice* She's got you fooled. Building schools in Africa and giving away cars with her right hand and doing all kinds of unknown evil shit with her left. I don't know what that evil is. I just know she's doing it. Look at each and every cover of her magazine (because nobody else is worthy of the cover), you can see it in her eyes. Something in the milk ain't clean with this broad. Nah, Oprah gets no vote from me. She ain't right.
7. Kobe Bryant. I almost picked Albert Haynesworth...but...well I won't touch that dude. Not that he would touch me back anyway. I pick Kobe because he has legions of black men hanging from his testicular region right now anyway. He may as well segue all this power into making a difference for all black people. Imagine how proud some of you would be to be able to say Kobe was your representative. I'm sure Vanessa wouldn't let him stay out once the street lights come on, but imagine the shit he could do while the sun is still high in the sky? I heard he's going to have some free time so y'all may wanna put in some calls and get him to figure out what his platform is. But whatever it is he gets a no from me.
Well, that's my list so far. I was going to add Steve Harvey, but I got pissed off at myself for even thinking it.
Anyway, what do you think of my list? I think it pretty much backs up the notion that we're coming up with a big ole 0 when it comes to leaders. But then again it's probably just me being picky. I tend to do that.
And before you ask, no I won't be nominating myself. I'm trying to be ruler of the universe. I don't have time to be dealing with the likes of you.
Monday, May 9, 2011
When All Else Fails...Toss Something
I know it's been a while people. I apologize, but I've been living that life. Shit got real real in these mean surburban streets and I had to lay low for a while.
Anyways, I need you to check out the following video. It affirmed a theory that I've had for years.
Look, I'm no fan of piss poor customer service. When I go out, I want my meals to be prepared exactly the way that I order them. I like for the food to be delivered to me in a prompt and timely manner. And I want it to be delicious. If I get all of these things, I'm sure to reward the server with far more than the 15% he's supposed to get.
But, even if the service isn't stellar. I won't show my ass in a food joint. Hell no. People who handle my food are #1 on my list of folks I won't ever cut or cuss out. I don't need any foolishness and extra special sauce added to my burger. No ma'am. We don't take those kinds of chances with our nourishment.
Kimesa Smith apparently doesn't have that kind of rule. Kimesa just don't give a shit.
Kimesa is the girl that we all hate to see out in public. Loud, unruly, and all types of ignorant.
I have a hypothesis as to why certain females act this way. It's their face. Piss poor behavior correlates to attractiveness. I know you calling me a hater right now. But stay with me.
Now, I won't go all scientific on you or pull out charts and graphs, but just think about all the uncute people you know. Think about the dumb shit they do. I gaurantee that the more unforturnate the facial situation the higher they score on the dodumbshit meter.
Kimesa's current score is astronomical. See?
All of THAT over a freaking Whopper Jr.?
This broad really stood atop a fast food point of sale counter and showed her entire ass...over the swiftness in which a Whopper Jr. was prepared?
Seriously?
Girl.
You are an irritant. A rash on the ass of the society.
After watching that video I've decided that the "I tend to use the common sense portion of my brain" reflex is non-existent in this person. I'm actually sitting here trying to figure out how in the hell she made it out of a scrotum without making a wrong turn at her Mama's ass.
How does anyone justify this kind of behavior? When is shit like this ever, EVER okay?
Well people, I'm going to tell you why she thought this shit was okay.
Remember my "you act an ass cuz of your face" theory?
There's a reason why the food took so long. The guy who mans the grill probably spent some quality time with the girl that strains the grease trying to figure out where the hell that hairline went. I bet it's been a long ass time since they saw somebody in their spot with full frontal lobe alopecia. Hell, I ain't seen a case this severe since Susan Taylor stopped flossing her fod in every issue of Essence.
While they were in the kitchen trying to come to some definite conclusions about how to notify the authorities about that follicular abduction...time stood still. And homegirl went clean the hell off!
I want you all to look at this foolishness and learn a lesson.
You can't be going into places tossing tables all willy nilly. You can't expect people to treat you the the way they treat the normal citizens of the world if you are going to go around acting like your ass was raised on Pluto.
If you do, you will be judged. People, and by people I mean me, will look at your face, they will look at your behavior, and they will plot that shit on an x-y axis in order to prove random theories that they've made up in their head correct.
I don't know what has to be done to correct this kind of behavior. But while you are figuring out, I'm going to be working on getting this theory posted in some obscure scientific journal.
I'm trying to be great. If I can't cure you fools from your tomfoolery and shenanigans, I'll use it as kindling for my shine.
Anyways, I need you to check out the following video. It affirmed a theory that I've had for years.
Look, I'm no fan of piss poor customer service. When I go out, I want my meals to be prepared exactly the way that I order them. I like for the food to be delivered to me in a prompt and timely manner. And I want it to be delicious. If I get all of these things, I'm sure to reward the server with far more than the 15% he's supposed to get.
But, even if the service isn't stellar. I won't show my ass in a food joint. Hell no. People who handle my food are #1 on my list of folks I won't ever cut or cuss out. I don't need any foolishness and extra special sauce added to my burger. No ma'am. We don't take those kinds of chances with our nourishment.
Kimesa Smith apparently doesn't have that kind of rule. Kimesa just don't give a shit.
Kimesa is the girl that we all hate to see out in public. Loud, unruly, and all types of ignorant.
I have a hypothesis as to why certain females act this way. It's their face. Piss poor behavior correlates to attractiveness. I know you calling me a hater right now. But stay with me.
Now, I won't go all scientific on you or pull out charts and graphs, but just think about all the uncute people you know. Think about the dumb shit they do. I gaurantee that the more unforturnate the facial situation the higher they score on the dodumbshit meter.
Kimesa's current score is astronomical. See?
All of THAT over a freaking Whopper Jr.?
This broad really stood atop a fast food point of sale counter and showed her entire ass...over the swiftness in which a Whopper Jr. was prepared?
Seriously?
Girl.
You are an irritant. A rash on the ass of the society.
After watching that video I've decided that the "I tend to use the common sense portion of my brain" reflex is non-existent in this person. I'm actually sitting here trying to figure out how in the hell she made it out of a scrotum without making a wrong turn at her Mama's ass.
How does anyone justify this kind of behavior? When is shit like this ever, EVER okay?
Well people, I'm going to tell you why she thought this shit was okay.
Remember my "you act an ass cuz of your face" theory?
There's a reason why the food took so long. The guy who mans the grill probably spent some quality time with the girl that strains the grease trying to figure out where the hell that hairline went. I bet it's been a long ass time since they saw somebody in their spot with full frontal lobe alopecia. Hell, I ain't seen a case this severe since Susan Taylor stopped flossing her fod in every issue of Essence.
While they were in the kitchen trying to come to some definite conclusions about how to notify the authorities about that follicular abduction...time stood still. And homegirl went clean the hell off!
I want you all to look at this foolishness and learn a lesson.
You can't be going into places tossing tables all willy nilly. You can't expect people to treat you the the way they treat the normal citizens of the world if you are going to go around acting like your ass was raised on Pluto.
If you do, you will be judged. People, and by people I mean me, will look at your face, they will look at your behavior, and they will plot that shit on an x-y axis in order to prove random theories that they've made up in their head correct.
I don't know what has to be done to correct this kind of behavior. But while you are figuring out, I'm going to be working on getting this theory posted in some obscure scientific journal.
I'm trying to be great. If I can't cure you fools from your tomfoolery and shenanigans, I'll use it as kindling for my shine.
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