Republican National Convention = An Insomniac DREAM!!

I'd like to thank all of my friends for their RNC commentary this week.  

I usually try to keep up with all things political, especially in an election year.  But I legit couldn't keep my eyes open when I turned it on.  That mess was a like a real live melatonin OD. I'm talking the kind of sleep that so deep that you wake up and have to take a few minutes and remember where you are! 

An insomniacs dream.  

Reeps should bottle it up and sell it.  

Good night.

Conversations with My Son: A Cinematic Experience

Have you ever had a conversation with a child that made you realize that you are no where near as smart as you thought?

That maybe instead of working, you should just go back to school and learn some more shit, because what you know is obviously not enough?

I'm currently having that kind of conversation with The Kid.  We are watching one of his favorite movies Avatar.  I know, I know most people will not think that this is appropriate viewing for an 8 year old.  But...he gets it.

So anyway this is the conversation we are having while watching this long ass movie that I hate.  Well pieces of it because I don't have the strength to write it all.  And also because I've slept through some (most) of it.

The Kid on Online Fuckery
Him: Mama do you know what an avatar is?
Me: Yep, it's something that people use online to identify themselves.
Him: Uh huh. Most people use pictures that don't look like them because they don't want you to know who they really are.

The Kid is on to your Instagram shenanigans folks! Get it together!
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The Kid on Shiesty Settlers
Him: Why do they call the planet Pandora?
Me: Well, probably after the myth of Pandora's Box where all of the evils of the where where stored in
the box until some dummy let them out.
Him: Hmmm...No, Mama that's a theory.  People just make up stories to explain things that happen in life like evil, sickness, and bad things like that.
Me: Oh. *but ain't that what I just said though...*
Him: But that theory makes sense.  Those people don't have anything bad happen until the aliens from Earth come and mess everything up and try to steal their natural resources.

Tea Party he's talking to you....
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The Kid on Evil Army Generals
Me: Man that dude has some serious issues.
Him: I know right? He really needs to relax.
Me: Relax? How?
Him: Oh I don't know.  Read a book or watch a movie or take a nap or something.
Me: You think that would help?
Him: Probably not.  He probably needs a wife.  I know that's what you would say, right Mama?
Me: *side eye*

The Kid talks like he knows me or something.
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The Kid on Alien Animals
Him: That cat thing is vicious!!
Me: I know! It's pretty scary.
Him: Yes! It's really territorial. Kind of reminds me of you.
Me: Word?
Him: Yea Mama.
Me: Care to explain?
Him: *blank stare* Is that really necessary? *smirk*

It's officially official. I've raised the snarkiest kid on the planet. If you see any free adoption ads on Craigslist pretend like you don't know me.
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Okay, maybe you aren't as impressed as I am.  I get it.  He's not the fruit of your loins.  But I was pretty surprised at how well he grasped some of the themes in the movie that went over some adults (my) head.

Well, that's all I have for today.  Let me sit up and pretend like I've been watching this craptastic nonsense.

Reality Bites: Johnson v. Lozada

Chad Ochocinco nee' Johnson is having the best week ever.

First this happened.

On day 38 of wedded bliss somebody found condoms in the other's car and all hell broke loose.  And Chad decided to use his cerebellum for more than thoughts of stillettos and skinny jeans and gave Eve a shot to the noggin. He was arrested and told by a judge that he couldn't go anywhere near his boo.

Then....this happened.

On day 39 of harmonious matrimony Chad began feeling the fallout of his playing head games. Homeboy got cut by the Miami Dolphins and was left with a part-time reality gig.  It has to suck to be given a pink slip while you are recovering from having to force that county jail peanut butter sandwich and stale Kool-Aid down for dinner.

Until this happened.

On day 40 of this loving union VH1 decided to chuck the deuces at the reality show of him and his betrothed showing the world their undying love for each other. Boop! *NeNe Leakes voice*

And today THIS happened!!

On day 41 Evelyn flipped a table, hurled some Dom P at her assistant and decided that she was over it already.  And by COB she had filed papers to give her ChaddyPoo his name and number back.

So now that you are all caught up on the marital shenanigans of the Ochocinco's, let me ask you this.... Are you really surprised?

Like folks are all up in arms about this one like this wasn't a damn train wreck waiting to happen from the get go!  I mean he's a an attention whore with a women's shoe fetish who's privy to pastel skinny jeans and she's an angry sack chaser with a penchant for tossing dranks issues.

Nothing good can come from that.

41 damn days.

Some people are saying this whole mess is just karma coming back on her for all of her bad ass, loud talking, drink throwing, I-slept-with-your-husband-cuz-you-a-nonmothafuckin' factor BBW behavior.

I guess it's possible.  I mean every time I put bad shit out in the universe, I end up taking a blow to the head.

There's nothing like a TBI to get your mind right.

Others are saying that Evelyn shouldn't have been upset when she found the receipt for condoms. That she knew that Chad was about that philandering life before they said "I do" so she just should have carried it.

I guess that's possible too.  I mean, every time I learned about a boyfriend cheating on me I figured it was something that I did to make me deserve him being an aintshit piece of shit that can't keep his willy in his trousers.

There's nothing like being betrayed by the man that you love to make you gain some perspective on the world.

There are even some that say that Evelyn likely forced Chad into the situation by being verbally abusive.

Look, we all know that Evelyn has a slick mouth on her.  At times her tone alone is enough to make folks want to reach through the flat screen and shake the shit outta her.  And most likely she said some shit that took Chad to another level angry.

That doesn't make what Chad did acceptable on any level though.

Now he's been told by a judge that he can't go near his wife.  He's been told by his job to not show up.  He's been told by his side-hustle thanks but no damn thanks.

I'm sure his girlfriend BFF Terrell Owens is offering all kinds of support and love in his time of need.

Sucks to be him.  Gotta suck to be Evelyn too.

She's got no job. She's got no husband. She's got no television show. AND she's got no BFF because her homie tried to tell her to leave Chad's cheating ass alone.

Look, like I said. I don't condone domestic abuse of any kind. There are so many things that Evelyn and Chad could have done to handle their situation. Like....not get married.

As of Saturday I've been married for 4021 days.  All of those days haven't been easy.  It's quite likely that I've thought of murder and/or other felonious actions on at least 2000 of them.  But I never acted on it.  Well maybe twice, but there was no significant blood shed. So it doesn't count.

Marriage is HARD WORK. I don't think people really realize that.  They see all of the pomp and circumstance of the wedding and never take the time to consider what they are going to do the day after the wedding and the days after that.

Love is not enough.

Y'all better consider compatibility, trust, finances, work ethic, credit score, criminal record, how his/her family looks, and his/her entire genetic make up before you say I do.  It's not a game out here.

I really hope this is the beginning of the end of people allowing the world into their relationships and sharing all of their business on television and the innanets.  If not for all of the publicity I'm sure the 85 family could have figured out a way to work this out.

No relationship will be successful if EVERYBODY has an opportunity to see what's going on and comment.  Not one.

Oh and before I go, I have a small request.  While y'all all are out in these streets worrying about how Adam and Steve are trying to ruin the sanctity of marriage, please do Tee a favor and consider the damage that fools who only stay married for 41 days do to it too.

The Wonderful World of White Folks: Here Comes Honey Boo Boo

I got an email the other day in response to my Removing the Ratchet post. I really didn't think people that I don't know were reading this so I was kind of shocked when I saw it. LOL

Imagine my surprise when I found out that I had offended somebody! *snicker*

I won't be giving this person a name because the email upset me (not really, I'm just being an asshole). It was chock full of bad grammar and misspellings so I'm going to paraphrase what it said:

You always talk about how ratchet black people are and how they always do dumb stuff.  You don't ever say anything about white people.  You mentioned ratchet white people in your blog but you didn't show any pictures or anything like you always do for black people.

I do believe this clown was calling me racist. Or at least trying to make it seem like I don't have love for my people. I can't really be sure because at times it was hard to decipher what language was being used.  My Rosetta Stone was taken to the limit, ya hear me?

Anyway, the idea that I'm racist or don't like my own people is asinine.  I love black people.  I just don't like black people all the time.  And the same things goes for pretty much every other race, color and creed on this planet. You do dumb shit, I'll clown. Period.

I don't discriminate.  Everybody can get it.

Anyway, since I'm not white, it's kind of hard to vividly describe what white people ratchet looks like.  I only know it when I see it.

And wouldn't you know it...I saw a commercial on TLC the other day that set off all of my alarms! I couldn't find the commercial but I did find this:


*blank stare*

I'll be damned.

White folks, y'all are going to have to explain this one to me.  What do you feel when you see this? Does it make you want to take a nosedive off the edge of the Earth? Is there pride? Is there sadness?  Is there a odd urge to crawl into a hole and hope nobody remembers you exist?

I really want to know.

I mean know how I feel whenever I see Ices Brown.  I'm pretty sure you are feeling those same emotions.  But I just want to be sure.

Anyway, there you have it rude emailer who won't be named.  I hope you're satisfied.

For those of you keeping count Honey Boo Boo is sign #564805448054344 that the end is near.

Get your lives right.

Real Life Skills: The Anti-Judgement Initiative

If you haven't been living under a rock these past few days you know that the 2012 Olympics have been underway in London, England.

USA Men's Olympic Swim Team.

I've had a grand time watching Team USA break records, make history, and win medals.  Full disclosure: I also spent a far amount of your tax dollars swooning over the men's swim team.

My only complaint is that to get to the good stuff like swimming, gymnastics, women's beach volleyball, or synchronized diving; you have to sit through crap like table tennis or men's volleyball (beach or indoor).

These sports don't give me what I need.  So while attempting to watch these wacktackular events my mind began to wander.

As you know, the wandering mind and random thoughts really isn't out of the ordinary for me. Seeing all of the countries together competing and appearing to live harmoniously in the Olympic Village made me think of some things that I thing would make this world a much better place.

Mainly I was thinking about community service (not court ordered).  Ways to make people act like they have good sense.  Like, what kind of guidance could Tee give to make sure the good citizens of the world didn't embarrass themselves and end up viral on theses innanets?  But then I figured that that is a hopeless cause because some people are just good at being judged.  This is learned behavior for some, congenital for others. There is really no way to "cure" it.

But I can do my part to make sure that even if you have it in you, you can practice ways to keep it out of sight.  Kind of like birth control. Except instead of practicing safe sex, this is about practicing using your good damn common sense.

So, I decided that I would give some guidance on how to live a awesome and peaceful judgement free existence in Tee's World.

These aren't laws or anything, I'm no dictator.  These are just rules that you should abide by in life (or at least while in my presence) to prevent ridicule and self-esteem expulsion.

1. A man that is taller than 4'7" should never drive a Mini Cooper, Smart Car, or any other mode of transportation that looks like it should be an Bratz doll accessory.  I'm pretty sure you think you're cool or saving the Earth, but honey you just look silly folding yourself into those clown cars.  Buy a car that's made for humans you d-bag. 
2. No woman should have more facial hair than any 6 year old boy that you know.  I know you're thinking "but Tee, 6 year old boys don't have facial hair."  EXACTLY.
3. No human should walk these streets with feet that look like they have been in existence since the beginning of time. Jesus didn't invent paraffin dips and honey pedicures so y'all could be walking around with Hobbit feet!!  Dammit do us all a favor and at least buy a pumice stone and a bucket.  Let those thangs soak and scrub away the destitution and darkness that is covering your soles.  It's 2012.  There's absolutely no fucking excuse for you to be walking looking like you personally mapped out the Underground Railroad with your metatarsals.
4. Brush, floss, gargle. Rinse, repeat. Get yourself some dental  insurance and make sure you take full advantage of everything those DMDs have to offer. I know this seems really random, but y'all are going to have to trust me on this one.  I've seen some shit in my lifetime that would make Baby Jesus take a header out of the manger. You don't want to be walking these streets looking like Jack Skellington. A copay is nothing compared to the warm feeling you will get when you smile and see every tooth the Good Lord gave you. 
5. Wear clothes that fit. There's nothing worse than seeing a woman in an awesome outfit that is 10 sizes too small.  I'm sure you think you're sexy but the whole world is standing in judgement against you dear.  Ain't nothing hot about walking these streets looking like a busted Summer sausage casing.  And fellas can we please stop it with the oversized jeans and tees AND the undersized jeans and tees? If you can't walk because your pants are so big you have to keep pulling them up or so small that you balls chafe you need to make some changes in your life! Nothing makes me want to commit vehicular manslaughter more then a young man in a cross walk who's delaying my trip because his damn pants don't fit. In Tee's World tapping a pedestrian like this with the grill of your SUV will only be a misdemeanor.  You won't even have to come to court for that shit. 
6. Keep personal conversations personal.  Now THIS is a novel idea. I know way more about people than I could ever want to based off of the things that they say out loud while chatting on the phone. If I didn't use my powers for good I could have stolen at least 27 identities, pilfered 8 homes while the owners were on vacation, slept with 12 aintshit husbands, took 7 aintshit wives out for drinks and bj's, and enjoyed some illegal pick-me-ups with 32 good for nothing teenagers.  You people need to learn how to whisper and or get the hell up from your desks.  Cubicles are made from carpet and wire.  They have no ceiling. They are NOT soundproof.  Jeez.
7. Stop talking strangers about hair. Look me in the eyes when I tell you this. I DON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT YOUR HAIR CHOICES.  NOT ONE. That's pretty much it. Anybody that randomly comes up to me and starts talking about why they started relaxing again, why they stopped relaxing, giving unsolicited hair tips, or touching my afro for texture checks get sideeyes, rolled eyes, blank stares, and maybe even a long frustrated exhale.  What you do with your mane is your business ma'am.  What I do with mine, is mine. I never had a fuck to give about your head and what you do with it.  Just because we both can't use a fine toothed comb does not make us sisters in the struggle. Get your life.

I'm going to stop now because this list would get extra lengthy.  

Anyway, that should be enough to get you good folks started.  Keep doing any of them and the citizens of the world will keep treating you like....well like they've been treating you. 

Y'all have a good day.  I'm about to go stare at Ryan Lochte's webpage, so I know I will.  ;-)

SWWWWWOOOOOOOONNNNNN!!!!