Ripped From The Headlines: Hi Ho! Hi Ho!

This has been a very trying week for me personally.  Lots of stuff going on in my life that pretty much made me want to throw in the towel and go live with some Shaolin monks in silence.  I even booked my flight.

But then The Kid gave me some advice that made everything make sense: "Haters gonna hate Mama."

Indeed.

And so, instead of heading to Staten Island to live amongst the mute and learn Kung Fu.  I continued to apply my awesomeness to all of my endeavors and wouldn't you know it? Things got better.

Things got so much better that by the middle of the week instead of everything making me want to cry, I was laughing at the most inappropriate things.  You know, as per my usual.

This morning a friend of mine, Lovely Lucian, posted an article about the Fokken twins.  A pair of 69 year old women of the night.

When I tell you that the sheer audacity of this article brought Tee to tears? I don't think you would be able to fathom the amount of dew that covered my face.

69 year old flatbackers? For serious? There are really people out in these streets in search of geriatric tail and gummy BJs?

I can't.

But I did anyway.  And you want to know what I found?  The Fokken's made a movie!!!!!


These old broads really filmed themselves for perpetuity talking bout how that money from the state ain't putting bread on the table!!  That spreading legs that have seen the beginning of time and all things since keeps them eating that good food like steaks and chops and shrimp?

And one of them is a dominatrix!! Say what? Exactly how does that work? She looks like you could blow her over with a feather, but she's got men willing to pay dubloons (or whatever the currency in Amesterdam is) for her to tell them to chill in a wet Depends for a few seconds longer as punishment?

This is killing me.

The article said one sister retired because she got arthritis and can't lift her legs like she used to.

Jesus be some Capsaicin.

Look folks, I know times are hard all over the world. I know a lot of your 401Ks are looking like Number Munchers had their monthly meeting all up and through your accounts.  But I need for you to do me one good favor.  Do NOT seek flatbacking as a way to supplement your retirement income.  I understand that some of you don't have any other talents, but you need to find a way.  Sell oranges on the side of the road.  Braid hair.  Shine shoes.

But don't ever let me hear about you giving up access to your ancient ovaries like that shit is what's hot in these streets.

Nobody wants to see old balls.  I need you old men to keep those harnessed in whatever old me use to hold them up.  I definitely don't want to hear about anybody paying to cuddle them.

In Tee's Universe, we don't play these kinds of games.  All freaky XXX activity should be not be bartered but freely given away in the comforts of your own home.  We don't care how old you are, we just don't want to see it in the streets!

*sigh*

I'm pretty sure this isn't a sign that the world is ending.  I'm certain that the Fokken's went to grade school with 5 or 6 of The Disciples, so they understand their aintshit ways.  Not saying they get a pass, just that when you have friends in high places sometimes you just get to wallow in your shenanigans a little longer than most.

So yeah, no 2012 on this one.  But it IS a sign to get your life right.  Stop spending all your coins on Farmville bucks and invest in yourself.

Mother's Day Joy

This post is dedicated to all of the women who have taken take out of their lives to love, nurture, and on occasions smack the piss out of a kid.  This kid may not have been born from your womb, but you loved him or her enough to make sure they didn't make an ass out of themselves and embarrass you and the rest of the people who share your genetics or zip code.

I salute you ladies.

Today's post is my gift to you.

The following are GIFs from around these innanets that I think will help you express your thoughts and feelings on all of the shenanigans and tomfoolery that you may encounter. I know they damn sure help me.  Enjoy!

For those moments when you promised the Good Lord you wouldn't act a damn fool, and somebody tries your patience:

or maybe:

For that moment when your child brings home a mudduck or other such visual travesty:

For that moment when your entire ration of fucks to give hits 0:

 For those moments when you've said all you can say and the next stop will be side kicks and right hooks:

For those moments when people bring their personal bullshit into your personal space:

For those moments when you realize that your child(ren) really does have some of their father's family traits:

For those moments when there are no fucking words...:

  or how about

 or possibly:

 or maybe:

 or my personal fave:

Anyway, I hope this little shots of heaven filled your day up with as much joy as they did mine.  :-)

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!! 

SISNS: No. Just...NO!!!

Jesus be a soft landing....

I thought I'd start of this edition of "Shit I Should Never See" with a gif that pretty much shows everything that happened to me the moment I laid eyes on the picture that is the subject of today's post.  It's one of those things that you feel like if you blink slow enough, it will be gone once you open your eyes.

I'm sure you'll understand once you get a chance to check the shit out for yourself.

Eenie, meenie, miney, NO!! 

This morning I woke up to see the red message light flashing on my cell.  I fell asleep in the middle of an extremely hilarious text conversation with the BFF, so I just knew I was going to wake up to some unprecedented foolishness.

Never could I have ever imagined this epic level of tomfoolery.  Not ever.

I'll tell you right now, this is not the kinda shit you need for a 6 am damn wake up call!

I mean, really? This heffa was comfy enough with her position in the universe to put on (what I assume to be) a onsie! 

Although, due to the placement of the FUPA, I can't really be sure. 

*sigh*

I really can't.  I just can't. 

There's so much  wrong with this!  I'm all for self-esteem and what not, but this is where I draw the line.  You should never love yourself so much that you are willing to subject the rest of the world to looking at you whilst you walking around looking a hot, flaming, surface of of the Sun flaming mess!!

This is not okay!!

Anyone who finds this acceptable has to have a soul filled with darkness, deception, and the woes of the downtrodden. .

How is it okay for her to be walking these streets looking like Rasputia went and got lost in an alternate PBS dimension?

Can the Teletubbies sue her for defamation?

If you move the antennae on her head, will her eyes straighten up?

I guess the really important question would be: WHERE IN THE HELL ARE HER FRIENDS??? 

I can pretty much guarantee that my friends wouldn't allow me to leave my closet looking like this, let alone be seen in pictures or on the streets.  No ma'am.  I'm pretty sure they like me enough to tell me I look the fool.  In fact, I'm almost certain a fight of some sort would break out before I could make out of the front door.  A good girlfriend will knock you clean out in the comfort of your own abode before she lets you embarrass yourself and all of your ancestors by looking like Tinky Winky and 'em's long lost cousin.

That's what friends are for.

Nothing in my day has gone right since I laid eyes on the heffa.  So, I'm respectfully requesting a mulligan.

No way a good law-abiding citizen of the universe like Tee should have to suffer through a bad day because of someone else's piss poor decisions.

For those of you keeping count, this is sign #98739429404 that the Good Lord is pull Earth's rotation back faster than Kid Capri does a record on his turntables.  

Get your life right.  The clock End of Days bomb keeps on ticking...and The Big Guy just trimmed a few feet off of the fuse.