Real Life Skills: Removing the Ratchet

So a friend asked me to give a few thoughts on how to remove the ratchet from your life.  At first I didn't know how to approach this subject. But then I realized that getting rid of stuff just isn't that easy for folks. 


That's why they have t.v. shows like Hoarders and Cheaters. People get attached and just keep useless shit around. Even when the useless shit is harmful to you health and your freedom.


In this case, the ratchet is harmful to mental sensibilities and common sense.  These people will have you questioning your sanity and sometimes considering to join in on the reindeer games.


None of that is acceptable.

So here are some easy steps to successfully eliminate the raggedy ass ratchet folk from your life and make sure that you remain an honest, decent citizen of the universe. 

How to DeRatchetize Your Life, by Tee

1. Eliminate all social networking. Surveys show that Facebook and Twitter supply 87.23% of all ratchetness witnessed by by all individuals capable of logging on to the Internet.  And just in case you're some kind of math genius and want to know what happened to the other 12.77% check out Instagram and Tumblr. You'll find all remaining fuckery there.  Simply deactivate your accounts on these sites and you've pretty much successfully eliminated all manners of fuckery from your life.  No more status rants about deadbeat baby daddy's on Mother's Day, no more ass pics taken in a toothpaste spotted bathroom mirror, no more videos from Ices Brown, no more e-beefs with strangers via @'s and inboxes.  Just think about it.  While you do that I'll sit over here and hum some Louie Armstrong...

2. Get emancipated. Every single one of us has a sibling or an uncle or a cousin that you wish you could vote off the island or at least erase the DNA that ties them to you.  This person seems to thrive on all things dramatic and has a life changing crisis every 3rd day.  It seems like you spend half your life bailing them out, loaning them money, and pretending like you give an ounce of a damn about what's going on in their life.  I know you're tired of dealing with that, so this is what you need to do (in no particular order): change your phone number, move out of state, join witness protection, get a new face.  I know all of that seems drastic, but remember this is family, you can't just ignore them like you do regular people.  You can't just say goodbye.  Family never takes that kind of simple shit seriously.  You have to go out with a bang so they know it's real.

3. Start hanging with white people.  Now this one is going to be controversial, but stick with me.  We all know that white folks have their very own patented brand of ridiculousness.  But white folks ratchet and black folks ratchet are two distinctly different things.  One embarrasses you.  The other makes you proud and happy that it's not anybody related to you engaging in the dumb shit.  Why not hang with people who will boost your self confidence and love for self instead of people that make you wanna tuck your head and tip out of the room or jump off a cliff?  *NOTE* If you're white and reading this, start hanging with Mexicans.  Same rules apply.

4. Stop being you. Nine times out of 10 the common denominator to all things ratchet in your life is YOU.  So you are going to have to make some changes.  Like get a close and personal relationship with dictionary and thesaurus. Not everybody understands the gullah gullah island type wack text slang that you speak and write. Let's learn how to spell, enunciate, and form complete sentences. You might want to cover up that tattooed tear with some concealer.  Most employers aren't into hiring folks that advertise that they shanked somebody in lockup. Or how about you stop telling all your business to anyone who will read it and/or listen!! The most ratchet of the ratchet are folks that are always in their bipolar ass flip floppy feelings and feel like they need to subject the masses to that bullshit! All of that to say: take a break from being you for a while.  Pretend to be anybody else.  I guarantee the ratchet quotient in your life with drop to negative numbers.

Well, that's all I have.  Four simple steps to ratchet removal. I hope they help.

I'm pretty sure there are other things you could do, but I'm thinking that if you successfully implement these 4 you won't have to much trouble with life.

And just so you know, ratchet ass tomfoolery is not allowed in Tee's World.  Over here we watch the shenanigans from afar, judge it, laugh at it, and then go home to reflect on ways to keep all of the ratchet people away.

Some would say it's a form of segregation.  They would be right.  The civil rights of the asinine, embarrassing, and stupid don't really matter to the inhabitants of Tee's World.  Think about that when you apply for citizenship. 

SISNS: High Fashion Failure

This past week has been pretty damn awesome for me.

I turned 34.  I stood with one of my besties as she married the love of her life. Tom Phan gave me the pedicure of life.  And the men of Chicago found out that I'm beautiful (I actually plan on traveling the Earth and sharing my beauty with the world, Chi-town was just the first stop on my Share-It-Tee [get it "charity"? don' judge my cleverness.] world tour, dates coming soon).

I'm still recovering from all of that.  I'm experiencing a delightful combination of jet lag, sleep deprivation, and bullshit overload.

Like I said. The weekend was UH-MAZE-ING.

I'm still on a high from it all.  I'm talking smiles, a couple jigs and some jazz hands.

In fact, I wasn't planning on being in a bad mood until at least next Thursday.

All that changed this morning when I logged onto Facebook.  I know, I know.  I set myself up by doing that alone.  My FB newsfeed is where struggle and hard times have a permanent residence.

Anyway, I log on expecting to see some regular run of the mill fuckery.  Well, my aintshit friends certainly didn't let me down.

Look at what I just saw*:

Ma'am? 

And Jesus wept.

I'm officially pissed the hell off.  

Rasputia done went and decided to play Fashion Star and created nothing but epic failure.

Sooooo.....we just making 2 piece sets outta wife beaters now?  Like were there no man made fabric short sets left on the clearance rack at Dot's for this broad?  Where there no skirts in her size on the Rainbow clearance racks?  

What exactly is this kind of ensemble called? Why not wear a tube top down there? Or just walk out in just your Spanx and call it a unitard? Not that either one of those would be better. 

Would wearing a regular ass skirt have been too much trouble?

I mean, I know Juneteenth and July 4th just passed, but you just gonna celebrate by granting your ass and saddle bags freedom through the fuckin armholes of an undershirt in public?

Hanes didn't create the awesome cottony comfort of this tee shirt so that it would be used like this!  I'm certain when they designed it, the thought that the racerback would be used to swath the crack of somebody's ass was never, ever, ever considered. 

No ma'am.

Who cracks open a fresh 3 pack with such dark and dismal thoughts as this? 

Times like these I wish I had the mental capacity to invent a human delete button.  I swuhfogawd I'd erase this heffa off the face of the Earth!

Shit like this is why we are experiencing this damn heatwave.  Y'all can call it global warming if ya want to, but it's just Satan preheating his ovens.  

You better get your lives right and start calling out folks who engage in this kind of chicanery.  You can sit there and pretend like this don't matter, but I'll be damned if I let broads like this drag me down with them.

Nah.  Right now The Good Lord is sitting back and taking notes on which citizens of the universe have no problem with these temps.  I'm gonna sit here with all my fans pointed at me, the AC on arctic, my feet in a bucket of ice, and eating Klondike bars so that there is no confusion when He's handing out backstage passes to the Throne Room.

*Full disclosure: This weekend I personally participated in all types of shenanigans, fuckery, and hoodrat shit. But since no felonies were committed or Commandments were broken (that I can remember) I still have room to judge.