SISNS: High Fashion Failure

This past week has been pretty damn awesome for me.

I turned 34.  I stood with one of my besties as she married the love of her life. Tom Phan gave me the pedicure of life.  And the men of Chicago found out that I'm beautiful (I actually plan on traveling the Earth and sharing my beauty with the world, Chi-town was just the first stop on my Share-It-Tee [get it "charity"? don' judge my cleverness.] world tour, dates coming soon).

I'm still recovering from all of that.  I'm experiencing a delightful combination of jet lag, sleep deprivation, and bullshit overload.

Like I said. The weekend was UH-MAZE-ING.

I'm still on a high from it all.  I'm talking smiles, a couple jigs and some jazz hands.

In fact, I wasn't planning on being in a bad mood until at least next Thursday.

All that changed this morning when I logged onto Facebook.  I know, I know.  I set myself up by doing that alone.  My FB newsfeed is where struggle and hard times have a permanent residence.

Anyway, I log on expecting to see some regular run of the mill fuckery.  Well, my aintshit friends certainly didn't let me down.

Look at what I just saw*:

Ma'am? 

And Jesus wept.

I'm officially pissed the hell off.  

Rasputia done went and decided to play Fashion Star and created nothing but epic failure.

Sooooo.....we just making 2 piece sets outta wife beaters now?  Like were there no man made fabric short sets left on the clearance rack at Dot's for this broad?  Where there no skirts in her size on the Rainbow clearance racks?  

What exactly is this kind of ensemble called? Why not wear a tube top down there? Or just walk out in just your Spanx and call it a unitard? Not that either one of those would be better. 

Would wearing a regular ass skirt have been too much trouble?

I mean, I know Juneteenth and July 4th just passed, but you just gonna celebrate by granting your ass and saddle bags freedom through the fuckin armholes of an undershirt in public?

Hanes didn't create the awesome cottony comfort of this tee shirt so that it would be used like this!  I'm certain when they designed it, the thought that the racerback would be used to swath the crack of somebody's ass was never, ever, ever considered. 

No ma'am.

Who cracks open a fresh 3 pack with such dark and dismal thoughts as this? 

Times like these I wish I had the mental capacity to invent a human delete button.  I swuhfogawd I'd erase this heffa off the face of the Earth!

Shit like this is why we are experiencing this damn heatwave.  Y'all can call it global warming if ya want to, but it's just Satan preheating his ovens.  

You better get your lives right and start calling out folks who engage in this kind of chicanery.  You can sit there and pretend like this don't matter, but I'll be damned if I let broads like this drag me down with them.

Nah.  Right now The Good Lord is sitting back and taking notes on which citizens of the universe have no problem with these temps.  I'm gonna sit here with all my fans pointed at me, the AC on arctic, my feet in a bucket of ice, and eating Klondike bars so that there is no confusion when He's handing out backstage passes to the Throne Room.

*Full disclosure: This weekend I personally participated in all types of shenanigans, fuckery, and hoodrat shit. But since no felonies were committed or Commandments were broken (that I can remember) I still have room to judge.

Open Letter: Dear Drake

Drake,

Hold up, before I start I'm gonna need some music to set the mood.

Okay, where was I?

Look, I've been trying to avoid writing this letter for a long time.  I mean my disdain for you is pretty well known in Tee's World.  The fact that I think your insides are made of strawberry Pop Tart filling is no secret.  However, my opinion of you was based solely on your musical selections.  Not on who you are as a "man".

But all of that changed this morning.  Why?  Because I logged onto my computer and the first thing that pops up is that you took a wine bottle and mollywhopped the cowboy shit outta Chris Brown.

Imagine that.  You are in a club full of half nekkid broads with your boys but your frilly ass felt the need to bitch up and toss a bottle dude? So Breezy and his body guard end up leaking fluids and your pink pannie wearing ass ends up in the ladies room wringing your hands and hiding behind the toilet in the big stall.

All that over some island poon that ain't hardly considering the likes of your satin slipper wearing ass.

Only a man who wears extra smedium Spanx under his jeggings would think that this kind of behavior is acceptable.

There's no way a dude with fully functioning balls would ever go to these lengths over a woman his never had a real relationship with. No sir, only a man who has testes full of marshmallow fluff would do such a thing.

You let your slip show son.

This kind of behavior is NEVER acceptable.

Real men flip tables.  They engage in hand to hand fisticuffs and the occasional Greco-Roman wrestling move.  They sweep legs and throw vicious right hooks. They certainly don't send perfectly good bottles of liquor flying through the air all willy nilly.  Hell, I don't know of any woman in her right mind that would waste good drank.  Especially on the likes of Chris Brown.

I have some questions that I'm hoping you can answer.

Since you appear to have never gotten over it, I need you to tell me exactly what Rihanna's twat is lined with? I imagine that it's gilded with precious stones and metals.

When she opens her legs do pink hearts, yellow moons, orange stars, green clovers pop out?  Do all of Heaven's angels hit their dougie?  I need to know.  She obviously has some righteous vagina.  I mean you out in these streets committing felonies and class C misdemeanors.  There are very few women on this Earth who can say they have felonious pussy.  The kind that makes even the weakest man (you) feel strong enough to do dumb shit.

What did you say as you were tossing that bottle?  I'm certain is was some soft and pink shit like "nah nah nah boo boo I tossed a bottle at you" or some other weak ass Canadian prose.

Did you let out a squeal when you saw all the blood?

You don't have to answer that.  I'm certain you did.

When you ended up in tornado position behind the toilet in the ladies room, did you cry? Or just whine like you did on "Marvin's Room"?

Will this fiasco end up on a song? And if that's the case how will you feel if CB attempts to body you on the remix like Common did?

Look homie, I don't know how you are going to live this one down.  I'm pretty certain that the good citizens of the universe won't let this one die.  I know I won't. You'll be hearing about this from me until the Good Lord waves the red flag on us all.

Peace.

Tee

Can You Hear Me Now?

I had the most interesting conversation with The Kid this morning.  It all began with him talking about getting his yearbook signed by his classmates, then it took a left turn that had me reeling (well not really, but I did cuss a little bit).

It went a little something like this:
Him: Mama, I think I'm gonna take my yearbook to get it signed by my friends.
Me: Sounds like a good idea to me.
Him: Yeah, I'm pretty sure I'm gonna get some phone numbers.
Me: Really? From who?
Him: My friends.  Some of them are girls. *smile*
Me: Interesting.  But, you don't have a phone, so how are you going to call these friends that are girls? Him: Funny you should mention that.  I think it's time for me to get a cell phone.
Me: No shit?
Him: Yeah, all my friends have cell phones.
Me: Really?
Him: Airick has a Blackberry, Kimora has an Iphone, *goes on to name several other children with smart phones*
Me: Wow. Well, let's do this. You write them all letters this Summer and tell them to use their paltry imaginations and pretend that they are texts.
Him: Dang Mama. You just shattered my greatness. I mean I'm gonna be in the 3RD GRADE!! *sigh*

Me:


Soooo....coolness in the 2nd going on 3rd grade is a cell phone?

This dude seriously came out of his face asking for an iPhone.

How on Earth are there people walking these streets thinking it's okay for children who can barely wipe their own asses to have rollover minutes?

I mean, I know this is a technological generation and all but I'll be damned if I let a dude that doesn't have a close and person relationship with FICA rock with Siri on the regular.  No ma'am.

No way I'm going to add a kid who thinks that it's completely possible that his super powers will manifest any day now to my Friends and Family plan.  I'll mess around and have all kinds of calls to Goku, Spiderman, and Thor on my bill.  No bueno.

But I tell you what I will do....

I'll dig this Nokia out of the 1996 crate and he will deal.

I'll tie 2 Dixie cups to a string and let him and his friends figure it out.

I'll give him a box full of spare buttons and foil and tell him to pretend like his name is Phineas or Ferb.

I don't have time for this foolishness.  I need you parents to let your kids be kids for just a little while longer.  Hell, we already know they are the generation that's going to end it all. Why the hell are y'all rushing shit?

Ripped From The Headlines: Hi Ho! Hi Ho!

This has been a very trying week for me personally.  Lots of stuff going on in my life that pretty much made me want to throw in the towel and go live with some Shaolin monks in silence.  I even booked my flight.

But then The Kid gave me some advice that made everything make sense: "Haters gonna hate Mama."

Indeed.

And so, instead of heading to Staten Island to live amongst the mute and learn Kung Fu.  I continued to apply my awesomeness to all of my endeavors and wouldn't you know it? Things got better.

Things got so much better that by the middle of the week instead of everything making me want to cry, I was laughing at the most inappropriate things.  You know, as per my usual.

This morning a friend of mine, Lovely Lucian, posted an article about the Fokken twins.  A pair of 69 year old women of the night.

When I tell you that the sheer audacity of this article brought Tee to tears? I don't think you would be able to fathom the amount of dew that covered my face.

69 year old flatbackers? For serious? There are really people out in these streets in search of geriatric tail and gummy BJs?

I can't.

But I did anyway.  And you want to know what I found?  The Fokken's made a movie!!!!!


These old broads really filmed themselves for perpetuity talking bout how that money from the state ain't putting bread on the table!!  That spreading legs that have seen the beginning of time and all things since keeps them eating that good food like steaks and chops and shrimp?

And one of them is a dominatrix!! Say what? Exactly how does that work? She looks like you could blow her over with a feather, but she's got men willing to pay dubloons (or whatever the currency in Amesterdam is) for her to tell them to chill in a wet Depends for a few seconds longer as punishment?

This is killing me.

The article said one sister retired because she got arthritis and can't lift her legs like she used to.

Jesus be some Capsaicin.

Look folks, I know times are hard all over the world. I know a lot of your 401Ks are looking like Number Munchers had their monthly meeting all up and through your accounts.  But I need for you to do me one good favor.  Do NOT seek flatbacking as a way to supplement your retirement income.  I understand that some of you don't have any other talents, but you need to find a way.  Sell oranges on the side of the road.  Braid hair.  Shine shoes.

But don't ever let me hear about you giving up access to your ancient ovaries like that shit is what's hot in these streets.

Nobody wants to see old balls.  I need you old men to keep those harnessed in whatever old me use to hold them up.  I definitely don't want to hear about anybody paying to cuddle them.

In Tee's Universe, we don't play these kinds of games.  All freaky XXX activity should be not be bartered but freely given away in the comforts of your own home.  We don't care how old you are, we just don't want to see it in the streets!

*sigh*

I'm pretty sure this isn't a sign that the world is ending.  I'm certain that the Fokken's went to grade school with 5 or 6 of The Disciples, so they understand their aintshit ways.  Not saying they get a pass, just that when you have friends in high places sometimes you just get to wallow in your shenanigans a little longer than most.

So yeah, no 2012 on this one.  But it IS a sign to get your life right.  Stop spending all your coins on Farmville bucks and invest in yourself.

Mother's Day Joy

This post is dedicated to all of the women who have taken take out of their lives to love, nurture, and on occasions smack the piss out of a kid.  This kid may not have been born from your womb, but you loved him or her enough to make sure they didn't make an ass out of themselves and embarrass you and the rest of the people who share your genetics or zip code.

I salute you ladies.

Today's post is my gift to you.

The following are GIFs from around these innanets that I think will help you express your thoughts and feelings on all of the shenanigans and tomfoolery that you may encounter. I know they damn sure help me.  Enjoy!

For those moments when you promised the Good Lord you wouldn't act a damn fool, and somebody tries your patience:

or maybe:

For that moment when your child brings home a mudduck or other such visual travesty:

For that moment when your entire ration of fucks to give hits 0:

 For those moments when you've said all you can say and the next stop will be side kicks and right hooks:

For those moments when people bring their personal bullshit into your personal space:

For those moments when you realize that your child(ren) really does have some of their father's family traits:

For those moments when there are no fucking words...:

  or how about

 or possibly:

 or maybe:

 or my personal fave:

Anyway, I hope this little shots of heaven filled your day up with as much joy as they did mine.  :-)

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!! 

SISNS: No. Just...NO!!!

Jesus be a soft landing....

I thought I'd start of this edition of "Shit I Should Never See" with a gif that pretty much shows everything that happened to me the moment I laid eyes on the picture that is the subject of today's post.  It's one of those things that you feel like if you blink slow enough, it will be gone once you open your eyes.

I'm sure you'll understand once you get a chance to check the shit out for yourself.

Eenie, meenie, miney, NO!! 

This morning I woke up to see the red message light flashing on my cell.  I fell asleep in the middle of an extremely hilarious text conversation with the BFF, so I just knew I was going to wake up to some unprecedented foolishness.

Never could I have ever imagined this epic level of tomfoolery.  Not ever.

I'll tell you right now, this is not the kinda shit you need for a 6 am damn wake up call!

I mean, really? This heffa was comfy enough with her position in the universe to put on (what I assume to be) a onsie! 

Although, due to the placement of the FUPA, I can't really be sure. 

*sigh*

I really can't.  I just can't. 

There's so much  wrong with this!  I'm all for self-esteem and what not, but this is where I draw the line.  You should never love yourself so much that you are willing to subject the rest of the world to looking at you whilst you walking around looking a hot, flaming, surface of of the Sun flaming mess!!

This is not okay!!

Anyone who finds this acceptable has to have a soul filled with darkness, deception, and the woes of the downtrodden. .

How is it okay for her to be walking these streets looking like Rasputia went and got lost in an alternate PBS dimension?

Can the Teletubbies sue her for defamation?

If you move the antennae on her head, will her eyes straighten up?

I guess the really important question would be: WHERE IN THE HELL ARE HER FRIENDS??? 

I can pretty much guarantee that my friends wouldn't allow me to leave my closet looking like this, let alone be seen in pictures or on the streets.  No ma'am.  I'm pretty sure they like me enough to tell me I look the fool.  In fact, I'm almost certain a fight of some sort would break out before I could make out of the front door.  A good girlfriend will knock you clean out in the comfort of your own abode before she lets you embarrass yourself and all of your ancestors by looking like Tinky Winky and 'em's long lost cousin.

That's what friends are for.

Nothing in my day has gone right since I laid eyes on the heffa.  So, I'm respectfully requesting a mulligan.

No way a good law-abiding citizen of the universe like Tee should have to suffer through a bad day because of someone else's piss poor decisions.

For those of you keeping count, this is sign #98739429404 that the Good Lord is pull Earth's rotation back faster than Kid Capri does a record on his turntables.  

Get your life right.  The clock End of Days bomb keeps on ticking...and The Big Guy just trimmed a few feet off of the fuse. 

Love and the White House

I don't know if I've ever said this over here in Tee's World, but I have a little thing for the POTUS.

It's really pathetic actually.  Why? Because I hate politicians as a rule.  They are thieves and liars.  They are narcissistic egomaniacs.  And most of them are pretty dumb.

But the POTUS has stolen my heart.  I'm talking a real live when he smiles I get butterflies and giggles type of crush. I don't know how it happened.  Other than being over 6' tall, he's not even my type.  But, I swear I just know he's gonna be my main squeeze.  Or at least I hope to get a few clandestine squeezes in at some point before I take over the world.  After my takeover I won't have time.  Not even for that smile.....

Anyway, I happen to think the POTUS is one of the coolest men on the planet.  I bet his body temperature never gets above 72 degrees.  

We happen to agree on a lot of things.  He thinks Kanye West is an arrogant asshole.  I do too.  He thinks John Boehner is a crybaby asshole.  I do too.  He thinks Rush Limbaugh is an obese asshole.  Dammit, I do too!!!  

Since we agree on pretty much everything, I'm sure we would never argue.  We would hold hands, look into each others eyes,  and share tips on world takeovers.  That's the kinda shit real relationships are built on.  

And when he does stuff like he did at this years White House Correspondents Dinner?  Man, it just makes me love him more.

(www.worldstarhiphop.com)

He's the bomb.

I'm currently working on my submission package for the White House Intern Program.  Judge if you want.  While you are sitting there surfing the innanets for whatever it is that you look for....

I'll be checking for dust mites under the Resolute desk* and being the change that I believe in. ;-)



*Just jokes people.  I would never do that.  For several reasons: 1.  I've got arthritis.  2. FLOTUS is from Chicago's Southside.  I'm pretty sure she still carries a razor blade under her tongue for kicks. 3.  You've heard of Monica Lewinsky, but have you heard from her lately?  No ma'am, not even Presidential balls will keep me from Operation World Domination.