Do You See What I See?: Real Life Skills: The Anti-Judgement Initiative

If you haven't been living under a rock these past few days you know that the 2012 Olympics have been underway in London, England.

USA Men's Olympic Swim Team.

I've had a grand time watching Team USA break records, make history, and win medals. Full disclosure: I also spent a far amount of your tax dollars swooning over the men's swim team.

My only complaint is that to get to the good stuff like swimming, gymnastics, women's beach volleyball, or synchronized diving; you have to sit through crap like table tennis or men's volleyball (beach or indoor).

These sports don't give me what I need. So while attempting to watch these wacktackular events my mind began to wander.

As you know, the wandering mind and random thoughts really isn't out of the ordinary for me. Seeing all of the countries together competing and appearing to live harmoniously in the Olympic Village made me think of some things that I thing would make this world a much better place.

Mainly I was thinking about community service (not court ordered). Ways to make people act like they have good sense. Like, what kind of guidance could Tee give to make sure the good citizens of the world didn't embarrass themselves and end up viral on theses innanets? But then I figured that that is a hopeless cause because some people are just good at being judged. This is learned behavior for some, congenital for others. There is really no way to "cure" it.

But I can do my part to make sure that even if you have it in you, you can practice ways to keep it out of sight. Kind of like birth control. Except instead of practicing safe sex, this is about practicing using your good damn common sense.

So, I decided that I would give some guidance on how to live a awesome and peaceful judgement free existence in Tee's World.

These aren't laws or anything, I'm no dictator. These are just rules that you should abide by in life (or at least while in my presence) to prevent ridicule and self-esteem expulsion.

A man that is taller than 4'7" should never drive a Mini Cooper, Smart Car, or any other mode of transportation that looks like it should be an Bratz doll accessory. I'm pretty sure you think you're cool or saving the Earth, but honey you just look silly folding yourself into those clown cars. Buy a car that's made for humans you d-bag.
No woman should have more facial hair than any 6 year old boy that you know. I know you're thinking "but Tee, 6 year old boys don't have facial hair." EXACTLY.
No human should walk these streets with feet that look like they have been in existence since the beginning of time. Jesus didn't invent paraffin dips and honey pedicures so y'all could be walking around with Hobbit feet!! Dammit do us all a favor and at least buy a pumice stone and a bucket. Let those thangs soak and scrub away the destitution and darkness that is covering your soles. It's 2012. There's absolutely no fucking excuse for you to be walking looking like you personally mapped out the Underground Railroad with your metatarsals.
Brush, floss, gargle. Rinse, repeat. Get yourself some dental insurance and make sure you take full advantage of everything those DMDs have to offer. I know this seems really random, but y'all are going to have to trust me on this one. I've seen some shit in my lifetime that would make Baby Jesus take a header out of the manger. You don't want to be walking these streets looking like Jack Skellington. A copay is nothing compared to the warm feeling you will get when you smile and see every tooth the Good Lord gave you.
Wear clothes that fit. There's nothing worse than seeing a woman in an awesome outfit that is 10 sizes too small. I'm sure you think you're sexy but the whole world is standing in judgement against you dear. Ain't nothing hot about walking these streets looking like a busted Summer sausage casing. And fellas can we please stop it with the oversized jeans and tees AND the undersized jeans and tees? If you can't walk because your pants are so big you have to keep pulling them up or so small that you balls chafe you need to make some changes in your life! Nothing makes me want to commit vehicular manslaughter more then a young man in a cross walk who's delaying my trip because his damn pants don't fit. In Tee's World tapping a pedestrian like this with the grill of your SUV will only be a misdemeanor. You won't even have to come to court for that shit.
Keep personal conversations personal. Now THIS is a novel idea. I know way more about people than I could ever want to based off of the things that they say out loud while chatting on the phone. If I didn't use my powers for good I could have stolen at least 27 identities, pilfered 8 homes while the owners were on vacation, slept with 12 aintshit husbands, took 7 aintshit wives out for drinks and bj's, and enjoyed some illegal pick-me-ups with 32 good for nothing teenagers. You people need to learn how to whisper and or get the hell up from your desks. Cubicles are made from carpet and wire. They have no ceiling. They are NOT soundproof. Jeez.
Stop talking strangers about hair. Look me in the eyes when I tell you this. I DON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT YOUR HAIR CHOICES. NOT ONE. That's pretty much it. Anybody that randomly comes up to me and starts talking about why they started relaxing again, why they stopped relaxing, giving unsolicited hair tips, or touching my afro for texture checks get sideeyes, rolled eyes, blank stares, and maybe even a long frustrated exhale. What you do with your mane is your business ma'am. What I do with mine, is mine. I never had a fuck to give about your head and what you do with it. Just because we both can't use a fine toothed comb does not make us sisters in the struggle. Get your life.

I'm going to stop now because this list would get extra lengthy.

Anyway, that should be enough to get you good folks started. Keep doing any of them and the citizens of the world will keep treating you like....well like they've been treating you.

Y'all have a good day. I'm about to go stare at Ryan Lochte's webpage, so I know I will. ;-)