You want fries with that?

'Poop Burger:' Get It While It's Hot

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Story posted 2011.06.20 at 09:00 AM EDT

Just in time for summer grilling: Japanese scientists say they have created synthetic meat derived from human excrement.

The news that Mitsuyuki Ikeda, of Okayama Laboratory, perfected the meat streaked across the Internet. Whether or not the whole breakthrough is a crafty online hoax remains to be seen. But if it's true, the finding -- albeit disgusting -- could have some big implications on food of the future.

A now-viral video examining the purported breakthrough -- dubbed "poop burger" -- said the synthetic meat could be an answer to the high cost and environmental damage of industrial meat production.

Ikeda and fellow researchers claim to have extracted protein from raw sewage to create the meat and added food coloring to make it appear red.

Early taste tests say the meat tastes like beef. _________________________________________________________________________

A shit burger? Oh ok.

Like for real, who the hell sits around and comes up with this foolishness? Who sits at their desk and thinks the thought "You know what would be magically delicious? Some shit.  But not just regular shit. Shit that's shaped like a burger."

And where do they find the individuals to taste test this shit?  What exactly is the selling point?  How do you get someone to come into the office KNOWING they are going to ingest today what somebody's dinner from the night before.

I'm going to tell you right now.  There's not enough monetary compensation in this universe for me to allow you to look me in my eyes and say the words "Eat this shit" and my response be "OK".  No ma'am.  I'm not built to handle that level of disrespect.  I'm going to treat you like you've threatened my life.  And you know what that means don't you?  Suplexes, body blows, and throat chops son.  The situation would NOT end well.

Nah.  There's nothing in this world that you can promise me to make me sacrifice my taste buds, dignity, and self respect for a patty made from shit.  Ya'll can play those kinds of games if you want.  I'll stick to lavishing my belly with the flesh of bovine and domesticated fowl.

[Tee's Note] This whole shit burger story is a hoax.  But I wanted to write about it because the whole idea of it just made me cringe.  I mean really? Who the hell thinks this kind of stuff is funny?  For 15 whole seconds I was questioning my status as a carnivore and joining PETA.  How dreadful.

YouTube Shenanigans: Father's Day PSA

Today is Father's Day.

All around the country people will be honoring their fathers with greeting cards, cookouts, neck ties, and 3 packs of underwear. They'll be thanking fathers for teaching us life lessons that prevent people from maiming, mauling, and devouring us like they do the weakest of the herd. Showing our appreciation for instilling in us how to use our God given common sense.

My father taught me and my siblings all kinds of stuff. Because of my father I know how to landscape a lawn, tie a sailor's knot, make a 4 course meal for 6 on a $25 budget, and take a person who is 3 times bigger than me down with 3 well placed punches.

One of the most important lessons that we ever learned was "Don't make me look like a damn fool out in public".  For most of you that may be pretty straight forward and simple and for that trip, however long it was, you were on your best behavior.  But for Daddy, in addition to that it also meant: "Don't embarrass me and your mother by getting caught out there doing dumb shit".

Every time I power up my Dell, I am reminded that all children are not taught this lesson.

For example:



Oh. OK.
So, just so we are clear. Homegirls vagina ain't handicap. I'm glad she let us know. Because whenever I see folks riding big on their Hoveround's and shit that's the FIRST thing I think is "I wonder what that vagina do?" Ain't nothing like a little paraplegia to get those juices flowing. Nah mean?

Did she really say she got the coldest coochie AND the hottest parking spots though? And what about "like my momma said eat your vegetables"?

I can't. I just fucking can't. I don't give a shit if she's in a wheelchair, walking on stilts, or literally has two damn left feet and has to walk around on her elbows. Nothing about this is acceptable.  Like do you know how bad life would be for me if I made a video talking about I can't move my knees but I can take it all day?

Nah, my father taught me well. I don't get caught on tape doing shit that will make him want to 1-2 step on my dome. No thanks.

You guys out there have to father your children.  You have to teach them how to move out here in these streets.  You have to show your daughters that ridiculous acts of thirst and desperation are not the way to go.   Tell your sons that tatting a warlock on his face is not the best way to get attention.

I'd like to take this opportunity to thank all of the fathers that care about the way that the world sees you.  The one's who spend quality time with their kids and make sure that they aren't posting shit on these innanets that make people think that YOU are crazy for raising such a mucked up kid. 

Thank you for being a life-sized delete button on some of these piss poor ideas your kids saw fit to try and share with the world.  I appreciate you.

Eyes Wide Shut

Today we are going to talk about racism.  And not just your average, everday, run of the mill Tea Party type of racism.  We are going to talk about subtle racism.  This shit that you see everyday that makes you go "....that ain't quite right". 

It's not always obvious.  But it's always racist. 

That said, I think I should take this time to tell you that it's impossible for Tee to be a racist.  And no, I'm not gonna say it's impossible for me to be racist because I'm black.  That's just dumb.  I can't be a racist because I don't like anybody.  That makes me a generalist.

However, I will say that because of my favorite brand of joke to tell, some people may tell you that I have problems with one particular ethnic group.  Such is not the case.  I have 3 white friends.

Am I inappropriate at times? Absolutely.  Do I say shit most people probably wouldn't say in mixed company? Yep.  But that's just Tee.  I see things and I point them out.  The good, the bad, and especially the ugly.  I don't mean to hurt feelings....but I don't mind. 

My disdain for most of you has nothing to do with your paint jobs.  In no way do I ever say things to make myself look superior to any one group of people, I don't want to be better than anyone. 

What I say is always the truth (as I see it).  No stereoptypes or racial propaganda.  I do what I do to make people think.  I hold a mirror up to dumbassness (and we all know that a dumbass can come in any color) and hope that changes are made after the dumbass sees his/her reflection.

But some people aren't as direct as me.  They are way more passive with their hatred.  Some people would say that I'm too sensitive to that kind of thing, that I worry about things that really don't matter in this day and age.  They say I look for racism in everything.  Truth is I really don't.  I just see it.  And when I see it, I point it out.  Just like I point out all the other dumb shit I see that I see during my day. 

For instance, the other day I decided to send hand-written notes out to friends.  I was looking through some note cards and came across a set that portrayed vintage Kellogg's cereal boxes.  I initially thought that the idea was cute and was excited to share the cuteness with friends.  At least that's how I felt until I saw a Cocoa Crispies on with a monkey tipping his straw hat. 


Seriously? This shit ain't appetizing.

This mess ain't cute.  Not at all.  At least it's not to me.

When you look at that you might see a delightful little chimp loving the hell outta some chocolatey deliciousness.

When I look at it, I see a lot more than that.

I see: cocoa (brown) + crispie (black) + monkey (commonly used as derogatory for blacks). Compund that with the fact that the monkey is wide-eyed, grinning, and tipping his hat like a Sambo and....well...you got a pissed off Tee.

If that wasn't bad enough, one of my friends posted a pic on FB that made me wanna toss eggs at Robert E. Lee's childhood home.

Some people like to rock the Confederate flag.  They say it's because they are proud of their Southern roots.  I'm sure that's acceptable for most.  I mean, I don't necessarily know what people are thinking when they rock a flag that most people view as a pro-slavery advertisement.  But I don't knock them, because nobody says anything to me when I rock my dashiki, black fist afro pick, and Malcolm X lavalier.  But still, I steer clear of folks rocking that flag, just like most people steer clear of me.

Oh? OK.



Truth be told, I'd rather hang with those folks.  Because, I have some sort of idea where their head is at.  They are pretty blatant with their shit.  Way more than the guy that came up with this "Coon Hunter" shirt.  If you didn't know any better, you would think that this guys shirt is promoting the hunting of furry little woodland creatures.  If you see what I see, you know that this right here is bull-fuckin-shit. 

But freedom of speech keeps me from really being able to do anything about it.  That's cool though.  When y'all see me with my new t-shirt with a little black girl harming a bowl full Zesta's and the tagline "I Crush Crackers", don't say a word.

I'm not going to point out all the subtle racism that I see everyday.  I just hope that those of you who can't/don't/won't see it open your eyes. 

And when you see it do like I do and point that shit out.  Shine a light on it.  Open up your mouth and say:

I do this at least once a day.

Apocalypse Now

So by now you know a running theme around these parts is that the end of the world is near.  Well, I'm not the only person who thinks this way.  In fact, I have this melanin deficient friend, we'll call him Stinkmeiner, that pretty much feels the same way as me.  And yes I realize that's an old black man from The Boondocks, but trust me, the attitude is the same.  This is why we get along.

Anyways, I asked him how he felt about the whole Harold Camping End of Days debacle. The following are his thoughts on the apocalypse.
_____________________________________________________________________

I was going to come up with some sort of fancy explanation/introduction for who I am and why Tee would request that I write a guest blog entry (specifically about the non-apocalypse), but then I figured you're already going to have to read and/or tolerate and/or be enraged or amused by what I write, so why not spare you the extra pain and let Tee do that instead.  I'm assuming she has and that you have already read it.  Thus, without further ado:

Countdown to Apocalypse!

Buckle up, kids!  The end is Nigh!  In 3... 2... 1...

Well...shit.  Looks like we should have saved for your college education after all! 

For those of you who have been living under a rock, some jackass predicted on his homebrew radio show that the world would end May 21st.  Somehow, he convinced a bunch of other jackasses that this was true, and they made a bunch of noise about it and have now slunk away to lick their wounds. 

So, in the wake of the recent end of the world shenanigans, we are left to wonder: Now what do we do?  The Bronx Zoo Cobra has returned to his home, the world didn't end, and for some reason people continue to watch Dancing with the Stars... (who won?  I didn't see it.  Oooh, I hope it was Chelsea!). [Tee's Note: I didn't watch it either, but Hines Ward won.  Dude, I told you to always bet on black...]

I suppose the easiest thing to do would be to continue to point and laugh, to watch the sad parade of the faithful as they slink back to their homes and their jobs (assuming they still have them).  But then, really, where is the fun in that?  And, truth be told, they weren't wrong.  The world is ending.  We just haven't noticed yet.  For that matter, it's probably already over with and we couldn't be bothered to look up from our mass-media trough of shit to see it.

You want real signs of the apocalypse?  They're everywhere.  At this point, you should be expecting a rant about reality TV, fast food, Lady Gaga, Nicki Minaj, Justin Bieber, that stupid girl who made that "It's Friday" song or whatever the hell it is, and every other dumbass thing that young people do and/or like.  And you would be right to expect it, all those things are fair game. 

But let's look at the bigger picture. 

Randy "Macho Man" Savage is dead.  Explain to me how that tireless purveyor of the Slim Jim, who should have been so loaded with preservatives, so as to effectively be immortal, has a heart attack and dies while the entire cast of Jersey Shore continues to live? 

Or, why we keep churning out Resident Evil movies, and Wesley Snipes thinks it's not fair that he has to pay taxes (and I agree, he should be paying me back for that last Blade movie), and oh my God they're really making a Transformers 3 (who watches these things? [Tee's Note: I do. Hater.]) and, oh yeah, Netflix is proud to announce that White Chicks is now available for instant streaming!  (To be fair, so is the Jim Carrey version of A Christmas Carol, for which I am still waiting for a personal apology). 

I guess what I am saying to you people is, please for the love of God find something better to do!  We're lucky that Old Testament God™ promised not to wipe us off the planet again, because man, if I were He (or She--who's to say, really?), I sure would do it!  [Tee's Note: Me too.  Except, I wouldn't take folks out in one fell swoop.  I'd drop folks sniper style.  With hopes that people would get a clue before everyone is gone.]

So here's what I want you to do.  If you have kids, like, little kids, I mean, ask them what they would like to do this weekend.  And, assuming it's possible, do it!  Go outside, go to the park, go to Kroger.  Whatever they want to do, find a reason and a way to say yes to it, and just go do something meaningful.  If you have adult children, call them, and tell them that you are proud of them.  Tell them that they have done a good job with their lives, and that you love them.  And then...here's the big part...withhold any criticism that you may have.  Just keep your mouth shut and enjoy the moment.  If you don't have little kids, or adult children, call your brothers or sisters, or even friends.  Just make sure that you spend some meaningful time with an actual person that does not involve television, iPad, smartphone, bluetooth, PC, or Mac.  That said, for those of you who have teenagers... well, piss on them.  They won't appreciate any of it anyway. ;)

So there you go.  Paris Hilton is getting another show.  There are now 5 different shows where people don't do anything except make cakes.  Criss Angel doesn't wash his hair but still hooks up with a Playmate...

You think the world is ending?  It's over, baby!  Put up a billboard about that!
___________________________________________________________________________

Many thanks to Stinkmeaner for his contribution.  I'm pretty much with him. 
Now, remember Tee has been telling you that the end is near for quite some time now, but it seems I don't have Yahweh on speed dial telling me all his bizness like Mr. Camping does, so I can't say for sure when it will be.

Anyway, since I don't have Jehovah in my BBM contacts, I figured he sent us a clue when I came across this:


(Source)

I've always said that walking into Walmart was like entering the gates of Hell. If People of Walmart isn't enough to convince you, this damn sure should be.

Seriously though? P-poppin in a grocery cart? Bussin' it wide open in the pannie aisle? Random dump truck built chicks giving it all they got in the parking lot? I can't.

I would ask who gave these clowns clearance for these shenanigans but...it's Walmart.  Nobody there gives a shit about life.

I could go on for days about this one, but I don't have time.  I got end of days fuckery to get into (just in case).

And if this don't happen and you see me on the news tomorrow, forward all bail donations to my PayPal.

Conversations With My Son: He Got Game

So this morning, The Kid has really been getting on my nerves.  He keeps coming in here asking if he can use my laptop to play games on Disney XD.  I told him he could, but apparently I'm not moving my shit fast enough because every 5 minutes he's in here looking at me and then his watch like "Heffa, I was just in here 5 minutes ago".

Who the hell does he think he is? This is my shit! I paid for this.  Who the hell does he think he is to be coming at me with these impatient type shenanigans? The last person that came at me like this got a earful of choice words and a file folder tossed at his dome.  Well, not really, but I sure wanted to do that. 

This little dude can get it though.  So I'm not sure why he's coming at me like he don't know me.

I guess my frustration was showing on my face because we just had the following conversation:

Him:Mama are you mad?
Me:Yea. I don't like it when you don't listen.  I don't like to be rushed.
Him: Oh, I'm sorry Mama.  I just really, really, really  wanna play Disney XD.
Me: I know.  But you'll get to play, when I say you can play.  All this extra stuff you're doing is working my nerves.
Him: Don't be mad Mama.
Me:  I'm trying not too.  But you're making it hard for me.
Him:  Aww, Mama.  Don't be mad.  I think you're beautiful.  More beautiful than anything.  But I can't describe it cuz that's like comparing a sunset to a rainbow.*smile*
Me:*totally forgot what I was mad about* Shit. . I'll bring the laptop in a minute baby.

What the hell just happened here? A few sugary sweet words and a smile and he had me doing whatever he wanted.  I knew what was happening, but I had no way to fight it. But how did he know to use these types of war tactics on me? I mean, I recognized the game.  His father hit me with some stuff like that way back in the summer of 1994 (or was it 1995?) and you see where that got me!

Ugh! This shit is not cool.  I've got some survival skills to hone up on.  I'm too easy.  I gotta start treating him like I treat people in the streets. 

Hide your daughters people! He's perfecting his game at 7 yo.  Don't ever say I didn't warn you. SMH

And One Shall Lead Them All...

I was talking to Hubby last night about some randomness.  Our conversation turned to some foolishness that this clown name Rand Paul (R-KY) said about equating universal healthcare to slavery....or something like that.

This dude is a clown.  Seriously.  How does one even fix their mouth to spout some bullshit like that? Even his homegirl in back was like "Nah son!"

Anyway, I don't want to spend all my time talking about this loon representing the good people of the Commonwealth of Kentucky.  While hanging my head in shame at the representation of my home state, I was inspired to write.

People voted for that fool Rand Paul.  They actually pushed a button that said they wanted him to be the voice of the people of KY. This got me to thinking.  What would the world be like if black people (and I only say black people because I happen to be black and I don't know what you white folks reading want out of life) actually picked a someone to represent them.  To speak for them on a national level so that all of our thoughts and opinions and concerns are known by all. 

Could you imagine what would happen if black people got together to fight for something that we truly believe in like the Tea Party did?  How awesome would that be? I'm not sure what we would call it, The Hot Cocoa Party? The Black Coffee Caucus? The Hot Water Cornbread Coalition? I'll have to think further on this...

*pause* I think I should take some time to let the good white folks (and others) reading this to know that I'm not planning some sort of negroid uprising behind your backs.  Don't call Faux News and em on me. *play*

What would happen if we all went to the polls and elected a spokesperson for all things black? I'm not saying that we need an exact clone of Malcolm and Martin.  Although, that would be nice.  I'm thinking that a leader these days has to be a little bit different than those guys.

Look, don't think that I'm dissing these dudes.  That's not what I'm doing at all.  Malcolm X happens to be one of the people alive or dead that I would invite to Sunday dinner.  I would invite Adolf Hitler too.  How crazy would that meal be? I've actually imagined how it would go in my head, but that's a story for another time. 

Anyway, I appreciate everything that past leaders and activists have done for the black community.  Without their sacrifices of time and sometimes their life, I would not be able to do many of the things that I do today.  Like ride in the front of the bus, vote, or spew bullshit via this blog on these innanets.

But like I said before, shit is different these days. I don't want to say that it's because the social climate in the world is different and that these types of leaders not needed.  Anybody who believes that is sadly mistaken.  The issues that these leaders from the past that I speak of are still a problem today.  Hell, some of it is worse.  Because of this that I feel like there needs to be someone that we can look to to represent our community on the world stage.  Someone who can take our issues to "The Man" (whoever that is) and be a voice for us.  Someone who can lead us in protests, sit-in, telethons, YouTube video competitions, revivals, and what not.

But we don't have anyone these days who is capable of doing this.  In fact, I'll go out on a limb and say that the people who currently consider themselves the leaders in the black community are truly incapable of leading anything.  Well, that's not true.  Some of them can lead a whole group of folks into all sorts of foolishness.  Eddie Long got a bunch of you thinking that having barely legal boys as travel companions is perfectly fine behavior and Creflo Dollar (and his bottom bitch Taffi) got y'all planting seed offerings at the altar for Lear jets and Maybachs...that you'll only see in Polaroids passed during Wednesday Bible study. 

Now I know a couple of y'all pressed pause on that one.  Nobody wants anybody to talk about the folks that are supposed to be helping our people reached the proverbial Promised Land.  Can't be calling folks pimps and pedophiles all willy nilly.

Welp.  I didn't get that memo.  Or maybe I ignored it.  Tomaytoe, tomahtoe.

It is my opinion that today's black leaders are so full of selfishness and aintshitness that they are incapable of doing anything more that provide a few soundbites and fodder for blogs and local news. 

Back in the day a person would start a movement from their front porch, out of church basements and what not.  Any injustice qualified as a reason to stand up and say something.  These days, if it doesn't get you an interview with Sean Hannity or a guest spot next to Barbara Walters on The View our "leaders" don't want anything to do with it.

Honestly, I don't think black folks could get a grass roots movement for change started if our lives depended on it.  Hold up, I take that back.  Let somebody ban the use of synthetic yaki or grown men with cornrows and some of you fools will be picketing and singing "We Shall Overcome" like it's 1952.  You know who you are. 

I know some of you are disagreeing right now.  You are probably yelling out a list of folks that have appointed themselves leaders for all those black, brown, yella, and downtrodden.

Well, stop it.  Stop it right now.  The people you just called out ain't worth a damn.

Let us discuss some of those options please.  The way I see it, black people usually pull our pool of candidates for leadership from 3 distinct groups: preachers, intellectuals, and athletes. When you read my list you'll pretty much be able to figure out where everybody goes.  Some can fit into more than on category.  Some are shaky on fitting into one.  And most of them are going to be preachers because that's who we as a people usually look to for guidance and leadership. 

So anyway, I present to you:

Your Options

 

1. President Barack Obama.  Well, this one was pretty obvious, wasn't it? n Why wouldn't he be a candidate? He's the leader of the damn free world! Can't get much more leaderish than that.  The dude has swagger on a thousand billion trillion! He has an awesome voice. It's like a super, smooth Quiet Storm D.J. When he talks, people listen.  Even if they don't want to hear what he has to say. That voice...  Okay, enough of that.  I'm not trying to have Chelly O going Southside on my ass and pulling out her razor on me.

What were we talking about? Oh yeah, anyway, another thing we have to think about is that just because he's black doesn't mean that all decisions he makes will be for the betterment of black people only.  He's the PRESIDENT.  He has more constituents to worry about than just those with high levels of melanin.   As a side note while we are talking about the President I just thought I'd get out something I've been holding on to for a minute.  It seems like some of you folks are confusing this guy with this guy I know named Jesus.  You act like this man can wave his hand and the oceans will be stilled.  That he's so light on his feet that he won't sink when he steps out on some water.  You think that just because he's a brother that shit will automatically be better and different for you.  This needs to stop.  He's just a man.  A man, who happens to be black, who's 9-5 happens to be the POTUS.  He doesn't have time for the woes of all black people.  Stop acting like he's going to change the world for you personally because of his paint job. So...while POTUS gets my vote for being leader of the free world, it's a nay for him being leader of black folks.

2. Rev. Jesse Jackson.  One good thing about this dude is that he can go to foreign countries and get hostages freed.  I think he's done it like twice already.  I believe this is because he has no real command of the English language and those who speak English as a second language can relate.  I only understand every 3rd word that comes out of his mouth.  Now I don't discriminate against our brethren who are not fluent in the English, but I won't be voting for their worldwide representation either.

3. Louis Farrkhan.  He's nothing like the good Rev. Jackson.  He speaks so well!  I mean, when the dude talks you gotta listen.  He's the best kind of orator because he mingles truth with subtle (and sometimes not so subtle) put downs.  He makes you really think about things that are going on in the world.  Also, he's pretty easy on the eyes.  At least compared to the other guys. I mean if you like that yellow bone, mean side part, $1000 pinstriped suit wearing geriatric deliciousness, I won't judge.  Well, I will, but not a lot.  Thing is, this man is batshit crazy.  He can drop all kinds of well informed jewels, but he'll follow up with some "I've been yanked up by aliens" or "Me and E.T. had brunch at the Four Seasons last week"  or "I spent the weekend with my alien concubine and she dropped me off on the White House lawn" type shit and negate all of the positive messages that he put down.  I find it truly frustrating.  Because sometimes I really want to agree with the dude. But he gets a no from me too.

4. Rev. Al Sharpton, this dude is  fearless.  I'll give him that.  But he has to be.  Any grown ass man that will get on a television show that is viewed throughout the whole damn world  rocking a hard press and curl has got to have balls the size of the Rock of Gibraltar.  No man should ever have hair that looks like it belongs on your MeMaw's wig stand.  Do you really want a dude that looks like this representing our people to the world? I sure don't.  Also, I fear that if chosen there would be a whole regions of people who would mistake him for Big Worm and then who would take him seriously?

5. Tyler Perry.  I picked this guy as an example, because some of you act like his movies and plays are some serious life changing shit.  Y'all are really believing that this dude represents the black community through an old broad wearing a bad wig and packing a .45.  Y'all can go on somewhere with that.  Always saying that there's somebody in your family that "acts just like that".  Ummmmm.....no.   Plus, nothing good can come from having a leader whose initials are TP.  Folks wipe their asses with that.  Some people (I see you Spike Lee) want to do that with his DVDs.  But that can't be a healthy or safe habit to have.  So let's keep our citizens asses chafe free...and keep him over --------->>> there. 

6.  Oprah Winfrey. Look, if this broad ain't playing Miss Sophia, then I don't want nothing to do with her.  She's at the top of my aintshit list.  I blame Oprah for everything that's wrong with the world.  I blame her for Tyler Perry.  I blame her for global warming.  I blame her for Myspace.  I blame her for Lil Boosie.  I blame her for bad lace-front wigs.  I think she invented jeggings.  Oprah is the root of all evil.  But most of you can't see it.  You think that she's something special because she's got billions and billions of dollars. *Dr. Evil voice* She's got you fooled.  Building schools in Africa and giving away cars with her right hand and doing all kinds of unknown evil shit with her left.  I don't know what that evil is.  I just know she's doing it.  Look at each and every cover of her magazine (because nobody else is worthy of the cover), you can see it in her eyes.  Something in the milk ain't clean with this broad.  Nah, Oprah gets no vote from me.  She ain't right. 

7. Kobe Bryant. I almost picked Albert Haynesworth...but...well I won't touch that dude.  Not that he would touch me back anyway.  I pick Kobe because he has legions of black men hanging from his testicular region right now anyway.  He may as well segue all this power into making a difference for all black people.  Imagine how proud some of you would be to be able to say Kobe was your representative.  I'm sure Vanessa wouldn't let him stay out once the street lights come on, but imagine the shit he could do while the sun is still high in the sky? I heard he's going to have some free time so y'all may wanna put in some calls and get him to figure out what his platform is.  But whatever it is he gets a no from me.

Well, that's my list so far.  I was going to add Steve Harvey, but I got pissed off at myself for even thinking it. 

Anyway, what do you think of my list? I think it pretty much backs up the notion that we're coming up with a big ole 0 when it comes to leaders.  But then again it's probably just me being picky.  I tend to do that. 

And before you ask, no I won't be nominating myself.  I'm trying to be ruler of the universe.  I don't have time to be dealing with the likes of you.

When All Else Fails...Toss Something

I know it's been a while people.  I apologize, but I've been living that life. Shit got real real in these mean surburban streets and I had to lay low for a while.

Anyways, I need you to check out the following video.  It affirmed a theory that I've had for years.



Look, I'm no fan of piss poor customer service.  When I go out, I want my meals to be prepared exactly the way that I order them.  I like for the food to be delivered to me in a prompt and timely manner.  And I want it to be delicious.  If I get all of these things, I'm sure to reward the server with far more than the 15% he's supposed to get.

But, even if the service isn't stellar.  I won't show my ass in a food joint.  Hell no.  People who handle my food are #1 on my list of folks I won't ever cut or cuss out.  I don't need any foolishness and extra special sauce added to my burger.  No ma'am.  We don't take those kinds of chances with our nourishment.

Kimesa Smith apparently doesn't have that kind of rule.  Kimesa just don't give a shit. 

Kimesa is the girl that we all hate to see out in public.  Loud, unruly, and all types of ignorant. 

I have a hypothesis as to why certain females act this way.  It's their face.  Piss poor behavior correlates to attractiveness.  I know you calling me a hater right now.  But stay with me.

Now, I won't go all scientific on you or pull out charts and graphs, but just think about all the uncute people you know.  Think about the dumb shit they do.  I gaurantee that the more unforturnate the facial situation the higher they score on the dodumbshit meter. 

Kimesa's current score is astronomical.  See?

All of THAT over a freaking Whopper Jr.?

This broad really stood atop a fast food point of sale counter and showed her entire ass...over the swiftness in which a Whopper Jr. was prepared? 

Seriously?

Girl.

You are an irritant.  A rash on the ass of the society. 
  
After watching that video I've decided that the "I tend to use the common sense portion of my brain" reflex is non-existent in this person.  I'm actually sitting here trying to figure out how in the hell she made it out of a scrotum without making a wrong turn at her Mama's ass. 

How does anyone justify this kind of behavior?  When is shit like this ever, EVER okay?

Well people, I'm going to tell you why she thought this shit was okay.

Remember my "you act an ass cuz of your face" theory?

There's a reason why the food took so long.  The guy who mans the grill probably spent some quality time with the girl that strains the grease trying to figure out where the hell that hairline went.  I bet it's been a long ass time since they saw somebody in their spot with full frontal lobe alopecia.  Hell, I ain't seen a case this severe since Susan Taylor stopped flossing her fod in every issue of Essence.

While they were in the kitchen trying to come to some definite conclusions about how to notify the authorities about that follicular abduction...time stood still.  And homegirl went clean the hell off!

I want you all to look at this foolishness and learn a lesson. 
You can't be going into places tossing tables all willy nilly.  You can't expect people to treat you the the way they treat the normal citizens of the world if you are going to go around acting like your ass was raised on Pluto. 

If you do, you will be judged.  People, and by people I mean me, will look at your face, they will look at your behavior, and they will plot that shit on an x-y axis in order to prove random theories that they've made up in their head correct.

I don't know what has to be done to correct this kind of behavior.  But while you are figuring out, I'm going to be working on getting this theory posted in some obscure scientific journal.

I'm trying to be great.  If I can't cure you fools from your tomfoolery and shenanigans, I'll use it as kindling for my shine.